2:29 PM Wednesday, October 29, 2003

How do you tell someone you can't be with him anymore because you feel, he didn't preserve the best of him for you?

What if, it was you that didn't take care of yourself... your past... your choices... which offends and hurts this person that loves you now... leading him to a choice where he can't be with you anymore?

Where does one draw the line in doing something for oneself... and considering how loved ones might be affected by one's choices?

How can a trait so highly admired in you by others be abhorrent to your loved one?

How can a person tell you he loves you and still make love to another person...?

And how can you love a person and yet feel better about who you are when not with him?

Congruence... congruence...

*~*

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off where the DRIFTS GET DEEPER
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"You must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't alyways be around"

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear


What is the right question....

Mec, when are you going to love YOU as much as So-and-So loves you?

or

So-and-so, when are you going to love Mec as much as she does herself?

2:53 PM Friday, October 24, 2003

I'm not sure what happened to my mountaineering blog... I seem to have lost it... and I don't know how... anyway...

Tomorrow... I climb Guis-Guis... again, may Banahaw find me worthy...

And in advance, I thank everyone who's been giving me moral support, but most of all... my fellow pasaways... for being such good friends and team mates

11:21 AM Wednesday, October 22, 2003

I have been kidding a lot of my friends about jumping off Banahaw this weekend... and how i'd do it at Durungawan III instead of Durungawan I since I don't wanna be sharing a tombstone with BULOY...

Anyway, I feel shitty and all... and I didn't really know that... I could so speedily plunge into the same darkness that I was in last 1999... darkness sooo total that I actually wish and wish and wish i'd just die...

Just die... I don't even take care of myself when I cross streets now... I just wish and wish and wish for everything... everything... to stop...

But alas... i'm either too weak or too strong to contemplate suicide... I don't know, I've always deemed it as a coward's way out... and i'd always, probably even hypocritically, tell myself that i'm not a coward... i'm just... tired...

And then I think... I love my loved ones too much to bail out on them... how i can never put my parents or my sister through a suicide... especially my sister... and now that Pyro has come into my life, I feel all the more responsible to be alive...

And I think, that is what ultimately separates people who commit suicide from people who don't... the knowledge that he is needed... the feeling that he's responsible for somebody else's life... somebody else's happiness...

And then I also can't help but wonder how strong my desire to live is... if I encounter an accident now and will be attached to tubes and stuff, would I really have what it takes to fight for my life? Would my spirit be stronger than my flesh? Would I actually WILL myself to live?

And so, why am I wishing to DIE now?

*~*

One other thing about suicide...

I sincerely wish that my family, past, present and future will always be composed of averagely intelligent human beings... and not geniuses who, because of their special uniqueness, can no longer allow their lives to be touched by someone else...

I would rather have kids worrying over how to be loved more and to love more... and how to get more out of life... than have them contemplating on religion, God's existence and their own... unable to enjoy moments and just believe that they were born for a purpose...

Also, I would rather have my kids live a congruent life... able to express how they really feel without having to hide from masks...

And I would demand that my kids, however much it might pain me as well, to get used to troubles as soon as possible... to be tested by life in different ways... to know how it is to be scarred and to stumble... and get back up again and heal...

*~*

Note to self: Believe that things hurting you now WILL pass... that you will get the congrunece you so seek... and that... you should always take care in crossing streets...

11:35 AM Tuesday, October 21, 2003

MGA HALIMAW NA NAKAPALIBOT LAGI SA BABY

I didn't think i'd smile so early... or that I could really feel any hope today... but I heard the following over the radio while going to work...

Do not ask what you owe the world, ask instead what makes you feel ALIVE... because that's what the world needs, people who are ALIVE

11:25 AM Monday, October 20, 2003

I cannot deny the WOMAN I am...

SENSUAL... I like pleasurable things... I like gentle words... I like stimulating conversations... I like touching... I like connecting... I like being aware... I like feeling alive...

FLIRTATIOUS... and even exhibitionistic... a shameless flirt who loves stimulating banters... an attention whore eventhough I don't necessarily strip in clubs or go out of my way to have everyone's eyes on me...

EXPRESSIVE... even though my heart is like an ocean filled with secrets and half-thoughts... I don't like keeping what I think shouldn't be kept inside... lest I burst, lest I become represed, lest it inhibit me from being who I am, lest I encourage false expectations about myself...

CONSERVATIVE... i've always known my place, my boundaries... even though I test and challenge them myself... i'd always value institutions like marriage and families... i'd always defer to a life purpose... i'd always put premium on things like honesty, loyalty, trust, respect and growth...

INTELLIGENT... and still learning about living and loving

LIBERAL... I want sex and my sexuality to be an OK thing... not something I should shy away from... not something I cannot share with other people, through words of wisdom, encouragement, rebuke... I want to celebrate how good it feels being a woman... I do not define intimacy as something totally secret...

DISCRIMINATING.... much as I like attention, much as I glorify my body... or sex, in general... I never felt I owed anyone anything... and therefore choose my friends well... and who I cavort naked with... Only I decide when and where and for whom to spread my legs for... regardless of whether he may already be a lover who'd feel I owe him that... because i've never been easy... i've never been a slut... Had I the capacity for immorality, i'd have been wallowing in free & expensive dinners now, topped with equally expensive gifts and trips...

VULNERABLE... I am as easily hurt as the next woman... I have hopes that can easily be dashed... I have feelings... I still don't have any armor against rejection, prejudice, unrealistic expectations... and yet, have my own silent expectations from my family, my friends, my lover...

ADVENTUROUS... I want to try new things, and meet as many people as I can... to learn from them and teach them some things myself... I want to explore my limits... I want to know how far I can go without losing myself... and killing myself... or doing harm to myself except for the sleepless nights I spend away dancing/hanging out with friends...

HOPEFUL... ROMANTIC even... never, for a day, giving up on my ultimate dream, to become a mother to children I will forever love and protect... and wife to a man who love me as passionately as I love him...

I am all these things and many more. I know I am becoming a better person. I know I will mellow out someday. I know that my priorities will always be both dynamic and fixed... I know what's true in my heart even if I don't say or show it... I know the most important things in my life... and I know the people I'd really hope I won't have to live without...

I'm a woman... with my own personality, my own interests, my own life to live... I have been hurt before and isn't really looking forward to all the other things that are sure to hurt me yet...

I'm a woman... and yet still human... I live therefore I love... I love therefore I hurt... I'm imperfect and unique therefore I cannot help but hurt myself, or other people... no matter how I love them...

*~*

Enchang is a stage actress who admits that she's had abortions before... and yet she still found Mari Kaimo, a man, who loved and married her despite her past... despite who she was and because of who she's become due to her past...

I like to believe that my outspokenness in Pex, MTC, MyG and my blog... my seeming lack of concern of who gets to read about intimate things about myself... or even promiscuous posts exchanged in jest with online friends... and my lack of regard for whoever gets to see some sexy pictures of myself.... I like to believe that those things are still far lesser crimes to humanity... and my future husband...

And if she can find someone who was able to accept her and love her still... surely, someday... a man would embrace what kind of woman I am and love me for it... surely, someday... a man would accept that my exhibitionistic streak can never take away from my capacity to love and care for him... from my capacity to be loyal and true... Surely, someday... a man would believe that I love him and bank his faith on me... not on what other people may perceive me to be... and not how I project myself on other people...

Because he'd be loving me... and he'd be having a relationship with me...

Surely, someday... that can... and will... happen...

3:45 PM Friday, October 17, 2003

I wonder why... since last Tuesday night... i've been terribly, terribly sad... close to inconsolable really...

What could I possibly cannot put into words? What did I realize? What truth lies in the pain in my chest?

What is not making me sleep these days...

What do I have to do about it...

3:55 PM Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Nobody told me it feels so good,
Nobody said you would be so beautiful,
Nobody warned me about your smile,
Your the light,
Your the light,
When i close my eyes,
Im colourblind.

- Colourblind {Darius}

... ha! someday... someone would mean those words for moi...

There are 21 office tables in my department. 1 conference table. A mezzanine with a wooden bed, with cushion. 2 big sofas. A stairway leading to the mezzanine. Lots of floor area. A copy machine. And 3 doors using the same key.

And I finally have my own key to our office...

Go figure the implications of... that... one... key...

10:04 AM Monday, October 13, 2003

Thanks to my blog-friend Vidar... I managed to lose the scroll bar in this blog :)

*~*

My Mom is super weird... she happily told a sleepy-eyed me this morning that some people in Sta. Cruz found this python in their ceiling/roof.

I mean... why is she happy about that?

*~*

To the someone who asked what KICK i get from having my boobies pictured w/ someone else's pair... uhm, nothing really aside from the real fact that women's boobs feel nice... all soft and nice...

And the guys get crazy over that... since they are aware of that fact...

Which makes me wonder then... what are you?

3:38 PM Friday, October 10, 2003

Morpheus
Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


THIS I GET WHEN I WAS SHOOTING FOR ATHENA... DANG!!!

My boss (section chief) is listening to the Friday Magic Madness over the radio, which is playing such classics that just cannot help but make us both giggle and laugh and feel all kinds of ancient (think Ice, Ice Baby ... Streetbeat... Make It Easy On Me... Time and Tide... Boys Fall In Love...)

And it's amazing how... old songs you grew up with... really have that SMELL... I mean, when they play, you cannot help but remember ONE MOMENT you were hearing that song, and all the thoughts and feelings and happenings you had for that one moment...

You cannot help but forget all that's happened in between and feel young again... everything is just... recaptured... relived...

*~*

On a sad note, I'm missing my ex again... i've been sick 2 weeks now and I miss him... he'd have showered me with lotsa food by now and would have insisted in tucking me in... and would have quarrelled with me to go see a doctor (not that I can afford to be sick since am strapped for cash till November, I think)...

Come to think of it, he DID shower me w/ food last Oct. 3 (see picture of gifts I received).

Ok, am not as sad now...

*~*

Not taken by my cam... but i'd like to post this pic with Draq (my new friend, a photographer). And I know, it's super deceiving but I really love my shot here... I looked happy!!! (And notice how see-thru the back of my top is? Note to self: do not wear a bra with that top anymore...)

6:31 PM Thursday, October 09, 2003

Twenty-three-year-old Mec had a lot of realizations while watching the movie "Boys and Girls." "I realized that there were a lot of people involved in this kind of relationship." She went online (www.pinoyexchange.com) and started searching for people who were in the same boat.

She enumerated some possible scenarios, "Single girls who spend all their time with their boy best friends, girls who've gotten close to their male friends and have fallen in love, those who fell in love but settled for friendships..."

She speaks about pseudo-relationships in a matter-of-fact manner. "People now are getting really scared of commitment or are too lazy to do the dirty work of keeping relationships. The thing that causes pain in these cases is the fact that one wants more. And that has got to hurt, as most one-sided things do."

Underneath this analytical approach is a woman who has also lost a battle to her emotions.

"I have had lots of boy friends but I've been so scared of being a girlfriend-substitute, or him being a boyfriend-substitute for me that I never let any guy be that close to me. I worry that if one of us falls in love with somebody else, the other will be left all alone. Or, heaven forbid-one could fall in love with the other and destroy the friendship in the process."

Despite the precaution, Mec has also become a girlfriend-substitute.

"My most recent experience involved a lot of confrontations-but the guy still won't commit. He's the type who got hurt too deep too young. He's so afraid now to be hurt in that way again." Yet another wonder of relationships. How the present has to pay for the sins of those before them.

"He chooses to control what he's feeling. He chooses to let those he has been hurting suffer-I am the last in the list so far. He chooses not to regret what he has and what he might lose. But he's asking for time," Mec continued.

"I know how he must really feel because we share an affinity. I am here as a close friend for him. Our friendship now has this unwritten clause. We love each other so much and we need each other so much."

"He's sort of given up on love after being hurt. And I can understand him because I gave up on love once. But then I met someone who made me realize what true love is. And after him, I just couldn't give up on love anymore. It's like an obsession-to be that happy, to be that alive again."

But she knows it might not last. "Our hearts can change-and we can say
goodbye anytime. I just hope, for myself, I'll do it soon."

When I expressed my wishes for things to work out, or, at the very least, for her not to get hurt if they don't, she answered dejectedly, "Sorry, this one already hurts like hell. Sometimes, I think that's the only reason he's in my life."

Listening to their stories gave me the courage to set things straight. Now I am no longer a girlfriend-substitute. I've become the real thing.


May 23, 2001... article written by Pam for 2bu on GF SUBSTITUTES

No... I will not give up on love and finding a good man to love me... no matter how disillussioned I am... no matter how i've lost faith in men...

*~*

And then I read about Happyclam's friend and ponder over the merits of being with a man for life... all over again...

I swear, life screws me sometimes...

Shared booze and chocolate cake and crispy chicken wings with my AA friends last night... dang, too much sex stories for one night... was shocked to find out we were all still together at 2 am... and all of us working today too!!!

Anyway, dare I share a nice pic? Hmm....



*~*

On a more serious note... I sometimes cannot help but wonder sometimes who will really be the greatest love of my life...

Is it anyone i'd meet online, seeing that am mostly online anyway?

Is it one of my mountaineer friends, so I won't end up getting crap from a non-understanding boyfriend/hubby?

Is it one of my EXs? Since 3 of them are married... would I become a mistress? How long will I wait before those that aren't married have really established themselves and can finally support a family?

Is it one of my labskis... one of those male buddies i've counseled and watched out for... sometimes pampered and played Mother Hen and Older Sister to... sometimes recommended/pimped to female friends?

Is it anyone from where I work?

Or any brother of my friends?

Is he already in my life? Have we already met? Have I already started touching his life?

Is he someone I've turned away? Is he someone i've rejected? Is he anyone who didn't want me at first?

Is he any of my friends' ex?

I know... I believe... that he's on his way to me...

I just can't help sometimes but wonder... how he'd come into my life... and how we'd know he's meant to stay with me... perhaps, forever...

Surely, forever...

1:40 PM Monday, October 06, 2003

Kudos to Dr. Erlinda Maria Gordon for paving the way some more for cancer cure research...

*~*

It's official... nothing beats the feeling of a freshly washed p***y... and I swear, you can take on anything after you've washed... ahihihi, just a realization...

Just recently, someone told me goodbye... simply because letting go of me seemed best...

And then, over the weekend, someone bid me adieu again... for reasons that he never really should feel what he's feeling... I hope the friendship remain somehow...

And then... this other man that's supposed to be in love with me... well, found out he's been hankering to date this girl we commonly know...

So... that gives me 3 lovers... lost... kinda liberating and sad at the same time...

Told a friend, I know i'd survive without love interests, lovers, admirers, sweethearts and the like without my esteem really suffering... esply since I have a bundle of joy at home always cheering me up...

Anyway, just wanted that noted...

9:10 PM Sunday, October 05, 2003

BIRTHDAY RANTS AND THOUGHTS
Oct 3 - 5, 2003

October 3 dawned with several people wanting to be the first to greet me a Happy Birthday... I was also not yet finished with the desserts I was making...

Woke up heavy-lidded and woozy, due to my allergic rhinitis at 9 am or so. Went to the office so my colleagues could feast on the food my Mom prepared for them. Went back home at around 4 pm. Mom was still preparing food...

It was nice... a lot of family (a lot of nieces and nephews from cousins) and friends (college, NGO and mountaineering org) attended... and of course, everyone gushed at how absolutely cute my nephew Pyro is.

Imagine my drinking friends chugging beer and eating lanzones at the same time!

Oh yeah, fell in love with White Chocolate Mudslide by Shakers. Absolutely DIVINE!!!

And I just have to really thank my Mom for all the preparation she did...

And I can't help but mention that it was weird... having GLD (Alvin) come (my Mom and Sis were happy indeed to see him and am happy that he's every bit the proud father that he is now...) and also have my last ex, Jojo there...

October 4, found me going to Villa Valencia II for an Over Night Swimming... the gimik was overflowing w/ real cute men but it was enough for me to spend time with girl friends and unwind. Not that my girl friends weren't the naughty ones...

And not that it was actually a tame gathering either.... Lolz...

And despite my wish to never partake of Tequila Rose again... I still had two shots of the stuff... Man, i'm bad...

October 5, after eating goto somewhere w/ my fellow MyGers... and going home... I had a nice surprise... details of which are best left to the innermost recesses of my mind...

Anyway, this last picture shows what I got for gifts... the reflection book my boss gave me, and the cat figurine GLD gave me are both not here... plus the sarong I used (which Allee gave me)...



Anyway, the best thing about turning 26 is... still being alive to live it...

Thank you, God...

5:02 PM Thursday, October 02, 2003

BIRTHDAY WISH
By: Myself 8-18-99 (12:00-12:15 am)

Oh, to be held
Gently, but firmly
To have one whole
Blessed night
In which to feel
Secure
Special
Loved.
To be in the arms
Of someone
Who values you
As much as
You value yourself;
To be able to talk
And say anything
Without reservation,
And without fear
Of being judged;
To feel in every touch,
In every sweet caress
That it's okay to let down
Your defenses,
And know
That you will not
Be let down;
To be silent with a loved one
And yet, speak
Volumes in every breath
To be able to cry
And be ensured
That every teardrop shed
Will be wiped away
For you;
To suffer gladly
Tender kisses
On your hair,
On your lips;
To believe
For one moment
In eternity;
To smile, and look into
Your loved one’s eyes,
And know you’re home…
That is intimacy.
That is making love.

Oh, to feel the heaven
Of two bodies
And two souls
Merging,
To just be.
For a night, to just be.


Note the date I wrote this one... well, anyway, the point is... it still applies...

*~*

A sad poem I wrote last October 21, 2000 found its way into MyG... posted by a hurting friend...

Weird, i'm happy something I wrote touched lives... but I'm sad that it had to be a friend who could relate to the pain I once felt...

Spent bonding time with a friend last night... we watched UNDERWORLD... nice movie... then we had coffee... then I went home... toting the very first birthday gift i've received for this year (well, of course am expecting some more tomorrow... from my family alone)... and from someone I really didn't expect anything from...

Thank you, Fuzzy... mwaaaaahhh!!!!!!

*~*

My nephew is turning into a real camera ham... even when he's crying, once he sees the zoom lens of my cam, he'd pause for awhile... long enough to seemingly wait for the flash... before crying again... or flailing his arms as he's always wont to do...

*~*

The only wonderful thing about myself, even though I am quite phenomenally average-looking, is that... my birthday fell just right in the middle of my estrus period... and so, even with the puffy eyes due to allergic rhinitis (which has been at me for the whole week)... people have been telling me I am positively glowing and... dare I say it... more beautiful? Ahihihihi...

*~*

If ____ attends my birthday party at home tomorrow... someone will sure be happy and crying because of it.