8:50 AM Monday, September 29, 2003

Sunday found me in the arms of loved ones and family... check out my nephew and niece



That's Bonita... real name, Ashley Sofia, 2 and a half years old, spoiled to pieces with her dad, and my dad, and her godmommy, my sister



That's Bitoy... real name, Exekiel Eisen, 3 months, real cute and demanding that you converse with him, will only sleep when being carried by overweight people...

4:10 AM Sunday, September 28, 2003

And I wonder why we hold on
with tears in our eyes,
and I wonder why
we have to break down to just
make things right.
And I wonder why
I can't seem
to tell you goodbye
yeah, I wonder why
I'm no angel
with my selfish pride
but I love you more every day.


It's nice to have realized yet again that am free of Alvin... and that i'm really happy for him...

It's sad to realize yet again that it was wrong to not have allowed for some little bit of innocence to remain in me...

LOVE, not with expectations, but with hope...

Alas... there will be no rest yet for this tired heart and wandering soul of mine...

I've been home since 2 am, having gone to my NGO friend's birthday party and our counseling group's yearly gathering...

My ex was there... gushed over their 9-month old baby. Happy that both of them are real proud and fulfilled and hopeful parents. Was equally proud about my newphew. Invited them all to my birthday party... and dang, if my ex comes... I swear my sister might just cry about it. They haven't seen each other since 1999. A long time indeed...

Anyway... can't sleep... and am supposed to go to Batangas and visit my Dad and nephews and nieces... I don't know why but am feeling real sad... and suddenly worrying about finances (since there is the suspicion that my fone would require major fixing)

And dang bro and the mother of my nephew are fighting... now am not sure if I should get the baby and just have him sleep w/ me...

Which of course would mean, no sleep for me... even if the baby IS sleeping...

4:47 PM Saturday, September 27, 2003

Don't my new digicam and my 7-week old nephew just go amazingly together?



Of course, I still don't know a hell lot about using the cam... so Photo Sessions w/ the MyGers, here I come!!!

*~*

Birthday is on Friday... am lacking birthday funds na since I have to do something about my cell fone that just got broken...

Other birthday gifts am hoping to get for myself... anytime this month... heaven help me....

1) 128 compact flash card (my cam supports up to 256 but I don't wanna be that tirgger happy)

2) a tripod

3) a new backpack... one that can support my earth pad

4) hydration bladder

5) tent (yikes, do i really wanna be carrying one?)

6) new sandals

7) sexy outfits

8) sexier underthings

9) silver jewelries (preferably with KEY motiffs)

10) new boots

11) a haircut

12) swedish massage

13) lots and lots of white chocolates (oh wait, this is what my friends are for!)

14) a new fone?

Ahihihi, wishful thinking that my measly allowance will allow such, esply since am now paying off the loan i took to get the cam... and paying for two pension plans at that...

But it's nice... that am not sooo troubled physically and emotionally and psychologically and financially... that I can still manage to think of material things.

10:19 AM Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Packingtapesheffffff.... our firewall is back to it's gatefilter crap again so now, i can't view my blog at work again... grrr....

*~*

My nephew had his first DPT shots yesterday... so I went home last night only to find him all red and tearful... ooooh, the hurt expression on his face...

I swear, my Mom was feeling the pain for him too... she wouldn't even put him down... And me, I cried a little everytime he cries 'coz I felt all too strongly for him too... wishing I could spare him the pain... realizing that it's a threshold for him, experiencing his first necessary hurt...

And I also had to tell myself... he's not mine... he's not mine...

*~*

My sister, 17 years old, is contemplating a break up w/ new bf (23 years old)... for the following reasons:

1) She's taller than him

2) He has a car but hasn't got the money to buy gas for it (he's already graduated from college but decided to take up another undergrad course.. Psych)

3) He picks a fight when he finds out my sister has been chatting online

4) He discusses my sister's "wrong priorities in life" with my older cousin

5) My sister cannot go out just anytime now since he's always checking up on her... and will pick a fight when she goes out at odd hours of the night (like, go w/ the maid to buy chips and beer at 7-11)

And tho... the protective sister in me can't help but laugh that my sis has found a stricter bf who want to account for her every move... the loving sister in me however wonders if this guy, because he's a lot older... is just some twit trying to fashion my sister according to his values, wishes and rules...

Told my sis that I want the bf to attend my birthday party... so I can deduce for myself if he's really just a mature and caring person looking out for her... or a manipulative and insecure guy hoping to emotionally disable her...

Am I worried for my sis? A little... actually, am more worried that, since the guy has a car.. she might take it upon herself to straddle him there... But it doesn't seem likely... and since she's already fed up w/ the man's demands anyway...

Life....

5:17 AM Sunday, September 21, 2003

Btw, my nephew turns 2 months today...

Was also intending to say something about how humbling an experience it was to listen to his heartbeat... so strong, when he's so fragile...

What a miracle indeed!

VERA, thank you talaga friend, for my new template... and yeah, i've noticed the roaming cleavage pic... work in progress pa din naman to devah??? kasi the boobie pic look is getting all gelatin-like, ahehehehe... and what to do kaya w/ that scroll bar... hmmm...

*~*

I intended to post an incriminating negativized pic of my boobies in this blog, living up to the new thread name... then again... my nips were like, sooooo erect in that pic, that even if it was negativized (i just coined the term ok?), it was still really, really.... graphic...

9:50 AM Tuesday, September 16, 2003

I once defined/described PERFECT FLINGS as:

there were no commitments

there were happy times

and then there would be no guilt afterwards

no sadness

just really great memories of being together with someone for sometime....


And I've also always told myself that I'm not made for this... for ultimately, I tarnish whatever I may have with changes in hopes and dreams... or my usual drive-your-loved-one-away-to-preserve-yourself-from-pain habit...

Which can really take the fun out of the experience of being with someone... of knowing him... of perhaps, truly loving him...

11:52 PM Saturday, September 13, 2003

Ahihihi... i'm really appreciative of the visitors of this blog of mine... And i'd like to assure you blogger friends that i've always had a depressive streak... and especially around my birthday... other than that, am really ok

I don't know why but i've always been one for celebrations... and i've always thought that birthdays are important because it's the day we celebrate the birth of people who have brought something more in our lives... people who have given us something, taught us something, inspired something in us...

And so, I feel justified feeling bad when people I consider significant in my life... don't consider it a special celebration that I was born to be their relative and friend...

*~*

Spent the weekend at home... spent the night just babying PYRO and playing this Bach album I bought yesterday...]

Relaxing... sweet... rejuvenating...

*~*

Went to a bar with friends last night (everybody should check out 90 proof along Emerald Avenue in Ortigas)... wearing this denim dress which you can zip both ways...

And it must be the ambience... or the booze... but it was driving a lot of people crazy... and I literally had to evade (masterfully and fumblingly) a lot of proposals and uhm... hands on my body parts...

4:52 PM Friday, September 12, 2003

lemme see..... we officially broke up 98... he went steady w/ my friend 99... they got married 01... had a child last year...

and i always say pa din talaga.... i miss him...

and no, am sure, i don't wanna be w/ him in a romantic relationship... happy na ako for him....

but i miss what i had with him... real, true, inspiring love that encouraged both of us to really grow.... and where i didn't feel suffocated and hampered.... and where i felt totally understood, supported, cared for.. and where i truly, truly surrendered to just loving someone....

*~*

and if anyone is curious as to why i broke up with him and let him get away... i have no real justification other than:

1) i was 20... i was restless... feeling then that HE could not have been the prize of my life already... for what else will I be working for?

2) he ended up marrying someone else and is happy w/ his family... meaning WE were really meant to be lovers for a SEASON

the only thing that sometimes bother me is that... could the disillusionment of my separation from him, both as friend and lover, have take my REASON for really LOVING too?

*~*

my last ex just called... chit chat... had to prevent myself from crying when I was telling him about how I already bought all the things I wanted as birthday gifts...

remembered how he tried throwing a surprise party for me last year...

6:07 PM Wednesday, September 10, 2003

recently bought alyssa ashley body moisturizer in white musk... and this new lipstick...

just missed the dream little black dress from maldita too...

what else... ahhh, i also bought the TALTOS book na... completing my Mayfair Witches books... and this other book...

and just bought sandals too... and might buy a bag later...

a lot of these things, i had hoped to get as birthday gifts from friends, labskis, those who supposedly love me...

but then, like what i said, i already bought them...

and am also on my way to getting my new digicam... i'd probly be tinkering with it the whole weekend...

and tho i feel kinda sad that i'm the one buying myself these things, there's also this sense of pride and independence when the material thing your heart so desires... can be had by just getting some money out of your bag...

your own money... borne from loyalty to a company... borne from suffering stress from menopausal, conservative colleagues...

it feels good to be able to buy myself things... and my nephew some things...

*~*

by the way, here's my loved one...



wait till i get my new digicam.... :)

5:16 PM Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Fire to water to earth to air
It's a circle of life, the dance without end
So merry meet and merry part and merry meet again
Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again

10:27 AM Monday, September 08, 2003

This is bad...

Had a really bad allergy attack last night... and I don't have anyone to gripe to... Not anyone... Nobody...

Well, at least, nobody who'd give more than the token "GET WELL SOON"...

And it's not that I want someone to be worrying over me needlessly... but of course it makes me feel good somehow to know that someone else feels bad because i'm running a fever and not sleeping yet...

Or that am miserable...

3:03 PM Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Pahabol Hirit for the bed weather...

I have tied someone up. I have blindfolded someone up. I have tied and blindfolded someone up.

But now, I'm wondering if it will send a man reeeling into heights of pleasures he's never attained before... if... he's standing in front of me... and i'm kneeling in front of him... just lapping on his balls... just enjoying his maleness... exploring him, pleasuring him, teasing him, making him beg... making him moan... my mouth clamped on his cock while my hands are tied behind me and my eyes are blindfolded.

Hmmmm....

There goes a saying, something to the effect that...

FOOD IS NOT SOMETHING YOU FILL YOURSELF WITH WHEN YOU'RE FEELING EMPTY.

Anyway, to heck with that... I've recently found myself always hungry and always having cravings unstatisfied...

And so, I miss my ex.

It's bad, I know.

But he was a person who would always lament and grieve when I skip meals. He was one person who'd always shower me with cravings and favorite stuff. He was one person who would always insist on what I want to eat when we go out. He was one person who'd forego a lot of things, even nookie or a movie date, as long as I can eat satisfactorily. He would even spend hard-earned money on just feeding me. And even when it's really ok that we not eat, he'd be devastated. He'd always tell me that he feels useless when he's not able to feed me... to provide for that very basic need and pleasure.

Nobody has been feeding me lately. And because I'm feeling all kinds of insecure and sad... it's really nice to be fed sana...

And it's not that I don't appreciate the Kitkats and token WCs given me by friends...

But it's not the same.

With my ex, my stomach was my heart and he took great care of that.

I miss my ex.

(Besides, there is something very intimate about sharing a meal with a loved one...)

10:01 AM Tuesday, September 02, 2003

The household was kept awake by my nephew's incessant crying, which started at roughly 2 am and only really ceased around 7 am...

I left him wrapped in his baby blanket and nestled on my cousin's bosom... sniffling and whimpering from exhaustion... finally falling asleep... feeling every bit the misery of desertion and a mother's absence but unable yet to comprehend what it is. Just that, in his own small way, he's hurt by it.

(Nope, my hipag didn't leave him for good... she just flew to Davao for two weeks to work)

5:31 PM Monday, September 01, 2003

pa-gripe

GRIPE No. 1

My birthday is coming up. Yeah, it's not due for another month but still, it's coming up soon. And again, I'm battling with 'gift' issues again.

I'm real sorry, it's the only time of the year that I actually expect gifts from friends. Or letters/cards. I can't help it... supposedly I know a lot of people and am involved in a lot of other people's lives... but when my birthday comes along... everyone is just either too busy to come to my party (which, before, i'd even schedule according to THEIR schedules... good thing i've stopped that na) and everyone is just too broke to give me anything.

And then, i'd sometimes attend a party of someone else... and i'd see heaps and heaps of useless, expensive gifts and I think to myself... how come she's getting them when am nicer than her?

It's bad enough that often in my life din, even if I am in a relationship, my birthday would find me on a tentative break with the guy (thus, no birthday date/treat and gift).

Am I not worth stuffed toys? (Ok, in a sane mood, i'm not fond of them naman nga... also flowers).

But it's not really the gift per se... It's the fact that people take time to spend money on me... or save money for me... or exert extra effort for me.

And I really sometimes hate it that I'm easily taken for granted by the people I care about.

Then again, I must probably not that much of a friend really... since Ate Ene, who IS a good friend, used to get heaps and heaps of treats for her birthday... why, she didn't even need to spend anything and a party is always secured pa rin... and i've always said, it's because she's a great friend.

Ok fine, am no great friend. Sigh.



GRIPE No. 2

I'm cool with being one of the boys... but then it sometimes suck because I get inconvenienced along with them as they cater to feminine wiles and whims and tardiness and fickle minds...

The other thing that sucks is... I'd see them travel in the late hours of the night to fetch some girl... but absolutely refuse to say, offer me a ride home. It sucks when the same man who would not allow this female friend to walk some 5 minutes to Mega Mall will find nothing wrong with say, letting me walk over to some other place that was convenient for the other girl. It sucks when you bend over backwards to make sure you don't hurt their feelings... but will allow themselves to be used in all ways possible by some other damsel in seeming distress.

And dare you point out the highly-selective treatment? Of course not. And if you point it out to others, you run the risk of having them tell you that... hello, you're not pretty, so why should you get free dinner?


Man...

THIS PERSON had the gall to plagiarize material OFF my blogfriends' online journals...

So far, she only copied my August 10 post... which was just a rambling really.... but my gosh, she also copied a lot of articles and posts off other journals...

It's such a violation and I want everyone to know about it. Sayang, she can write naman.