I Don't Have To Do Anything

10:19 PM Wednesday, August 27, 2008

... but i'm itching to at least text/talk to my SIL or my brother.

My leaves-much-to-be-desired brother has moved back in my parents' home with his family. And maybe because they don't have a maid/yaya now, or he got spoiled when they were living with his in-laws, but all he ever really does is camp on the sofa all day and night, watching TV and downloading mp3s.

He even went on leave just to watch the Olympic games (mostly the swimming events).

It's very irritating to see him stuck on the sofa calling his wife to fetch him water, juice, the remote, etc. I mean, the house is small... it wouldn't cost him five steps to get to the fridge.

Meanwhile, my SIL attends to their baby and juggles the laundry/other chores when the baby's sleeping. And if ever my nephew wakes up crying while his Mom is doing something, my awful brother would be heard calling her to attend to the baby... who's sleeping beside him.

One time, I couldn't help myself, I did tell my brother to hang their clothes to dry instead, so his wife can nurse/pacify their baby.

But really... my brother is just so shamelessly... macho.

And now it turns out, when my SIL doesn't respond asap, my brother has taken to verbal threats, as in, "Sampalin kita dyan eh" or something to that effect. Even in the presence of SIL's family.


Heaven knows i've prayed many times for my brother to become a better man. Heaven knows i've appealed to Pyro's spirit that he guide his Dad to be a better man. I've come short of literally asking God to strike my brother with a lightning bolt so many times...

Then again, i've warned my SIL. I've told her several times already that my brother isn't going to change especially since she lets him walk all over her... that she's just destined for a lot of misery with him. But she wanted him, love him, and enables him to be this way. No self-respect to her name, that one.

So what are we to do? The dynamic is between them, after all, so we really shouldn't concern ourselves with how they want to float their boat. But it's just so embarassing to be siblings with him, and my sister sees the way he treats our SIL, and our SIL sees how royally and lovingly my husband attends to me and our son, and my nephew is going to grow up watching his father treating his mother like his slave.

And for all my Dad's imperfections, he never treated my Mom like that.


I felt better after ranting early this morning. But anyway, I just wondered if, psychologically, something in our family dynamics made my brother and I resistant to applying ourselves.

And yes, it fills me with disgust to grant that I may just be the same as my brother...

Heaven help me, I just hope I will be a better parent, to happier, more productive kids...

Warning: Major Rant Ahead

I've often felt... and silently believed, that I am an innately angry person. Of course, if I consider what i've learned in my college years about a person's psychology, I should maybe also say that something in my childhood caused this personality trait. But I just really believe I was born angry.

And I don't really want to debate over the possibility and rationality of that statement. And yes, I am channeling an Ally McBeal line about Ally being terminally lonely. You know, how some people just seem to be born sad? I was born angry.

(I think Sigmund just rolled over in his grave to mumble "birth trauma", hehe)


I am consumed with anger right now, thus the lack of sleep yet again. Angry about plans not pushing through, about circumstances, about things I can't control, etc. But mostly i'm angry over the things I can control but have chosen not to. I'm angry at myself for being the one sabotaging my chances at more/greater happiness.

Case in point, not studying at all.

Another case in point, filling myself with food because I was feeling empty.

Not sleeping right.

Not managing my time well.

Not doing the things I ought to do.

And yes, blogging about these things. I'm all bark and no bite.

I come up with dreams and schemes and lists and plans... but do not have the backbone to see them through. Sometimes, I really wonder if am just a sloth like that, you know, too lazy to make things happen for myself... or if, despite the bravado, i'm really just an insecure girl, sitting in front of a computer, pretending to matter.


I have a life. Am I living it?

And why, oh why, do I still have to ask?


You would think that awareness of one's self-sabotage would already set one free. Sigh. I'm just thankful that am not wallowing in unrequited love and drugs and crimes, but still, i'm feeling just as wasted as them. As senseless.


Is this still a really bad PMS talking? Is this a year and eight months' worth of hormones raging that's making me crazy with sadness and madness right now?

A friend just bounced back from a quarter-life crisis. Am I too impressionable that I am in one too? Or just still really adjusting to the life changes?

Oh, God... I want to ask for a reprieve, for some quiet for my restless soul, but how can I ask for more rest when I haven't moved at all? How dare I ask for liberation when I alone chained myself up?

And yet.. and yet... looking within isn't helping... at least, not just yet.


7:41 PM Thursday, August 21, 2008

McDonald's caramel sundae already costs P35. Thirty-friggin-five pesos!


It's times like these that I really feel inflation biting my a$$. Good thing the attendant put two dollops of caramel sauce on my sundae... the shock from the price increase became tolerable somehow.

be still, my wander-lusting feet

1:47 AM Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I sometimes can't help it.

I get these promos from airlines and shipping lines for promo fares... and there's always that momentary feeling of bitterness over not being able to take advantage of them.


It's almost two years since my last plane ride (that was when we went to Palawan). And it's not that I haven't been anywhere this year (been to North mostly, with Bataan, Pampanga and Baguio), but somehow it still doesn't feel the same.


I guess I got so used to travelling yearly, even if only because of work, and got so used to having a change of scenery. Ever since last year, i've seen sceneries from the TV mostly (I think that was why, for a while, I was hooked on Discovery Travel and Living and Living Asia channels). I was feeling so deprived.

I still feel deprived. And it doesn't matter that I know I am not deprived, I still just feel it. But this is one of the downsides of a one-income family and becoming a Mom. There just isn't that much disposable income anymore, and not enough time.


I just hope I get that body scrub i've been longing for soon. Then again, since I haven't been working my a$$ off in my blogging sideline and studies, I shouldn't really be feeling sorry for myself for not having rewards. There is that matter of deserving, after all.



Wonder when this PMS funk will go away. Not only is my appetite monstrous, i'm just generally sad, whatever I do.


I've Always Been In Love With Her

1:33 AM Tuesday, August 19, 2008

... though lately, she's looking like a ghost.

But still, Madonna is 50 years old and all kinds of wonderful still. I love the fact that her music changed over the years and matured with her.

LIKE A VIRGIN is a classic! MATERIAL GIRL too! And heaven help me, I know all the lyrics of BORDERLINE. And when I was in college, I used to cry and emote myself to sleep to the whole BEDTIME STORIES album (because then, I was in love with a jerk and dedicated TAKE A BOW to that episode in my life).

But my all-time favorites will always be CRAZY FOR YOU... and THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND, which I find haunting and sad.

Oh and I can't help myself... whenever I hear BEAUTIFUL STRANGER, I think of my husband and how we met (thru an IRC chan!).

Anyway, Madonna... here's to more years for you! And here's to your contribution in music! :)

Without meaning to, I finally solved the mystery of the showering divers. My sister, cousin and I wondered about this and were sure it was washing the chlorine off, and modelling sort of till the results came in. Hehe.

I mean, have you seen the men's abs? Ugh. Sinful. And their a$$es too!

I know... I've been turning this blog into an Olympic monologue. So Sorry. It's a major preoccupation now really. And it sucks that the synchronized swimming competition has been moved next week, which would mean I wouldn't be studying again!


Two reasons why I also never followed the Olympics before as closely as am doing now is that...

1) It was only in this decade that we had cable, and

2) It is only now that it happened in a country in the same time zone.


1:18 PM Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Going back to Baguio City proper from La Trinidad, I saw a sign for "Hidden Massage" on a building. I asked my husband if he has an idea what it was and he directed my gaze to another sign in that complex (middle of pic) for "Wild Cets Bar" (Wild Cats dapat).

Ahehe. Now I guess we an all properly deduce what a hidden massage involves :)

Olympic Preoccupation

7:52 PM Monday, August 11, 2008

I've never been a sports buff. But I do have this vague memory of watching gymnastics and swimming events every four years. I never even bothered to know the names of the Olympians, I just really like watching them.

My favorite of all events, of course, is synchronized swimming. Hopefully i'd remember to watch it this Friday. I just spent the whole afternoon watching the swimming events and saw how USA won the 400-meter freestyle relay. Also enjoyed the synchronized diving event where China won (and Great Britain had an 11-year Olympian!).

So yeah... now there's an added reason for me to not study. Bad...

Mother dear has just e-mailed, suggesting that my nephew's baptism and my son's birthday be celebrated together. Para isang handaan na lang daw!

It might seem like am such an utter b!tch but an eyebrow really rose upon the suggestion.

First of all, it's not like they're the ones spending for my son's party. And is she really so clueless of our family dynamics? They have never ceased to remind me that I am their most selfish child, after all, so would I really want my child's day to be shared with Pyro's brother's baptism (which is really a wonderful gift after all the pain)?

And if I bring up the matter of who pays for their guests, would that make me more selfish? My brother earns very little, and considering that his son will require well-baby visits aside from diaper money, can we really expect him to come up with the amount they'd have to pitch in for our catered event? Or would Mommy, who's complaining of the high cost of living in the US, foot their bill?

Or does she really expect she can talk my brother into having a family-only celebration? This is the child, after all, who feels he's not as valued as I am just because he wasn't as bright (and I really don't want to have to bring up the fact that he was given the same opportunities as I was, he only wanted his life more colorful and challenging).

Hay, my Mom!

I just e-mailed her back asking her to think what she suggested over before pushing for it. Because it's really one idea that I think is only welcome to her (and my Dad probably).


Actually, my Dad has been telling me that if we'd hold my son's party in Lipa instead, he'd shoulder the expenses. But having annoying relatives and half the barrio (as well as my cousins' drinking mates) for guests isn't exactly inviting. Plus, my Dad's idea of celebrations isn't the same with the general public. Plus, I had expected to be the first one to give a grandchild... which didn't happen. And I had expected my kids to grow up enjoying their grandparents... and that isn't happening. So i'll be damned if I will be deprived of throwing the kind of birthday party I want for my son.

If that makes me selfish and ungracious, so be it.

the inertia of my life

2:27 PM Friday, August 08, 2008

This could be my resignation finally sinking in... or I have just really come upon a crux in my life. The challenges of being a Mom and going to school again seem not enough. I still feel like I am not doing anything, not fulfilling anything. I do not feel passionate and with a cause/purpose. I feel stuck. I don't feel productive. I can't think of an accomplishment. I don't feel any drive, to move forward, to make things happen.

I feel like nothing is happening in my life.

I am stuck.

Now, how do I rock my boat without seeming as if I don't appreciate the blessings that I do have? because for what it's worth, I am happy that I am happy.

Uhm... can anyone be too happy and content that she ceases to grow anymore?


addendum: of course, it might also be just PMS... ame way that am manic eating and cleaning. I just feel restless for reasons I think are hormonal... I doubt am preggy again anyway

Harry Potter Happiness

2:41 PM Monday, August 04, 2008

First, there was the happy news that JK is publishing The Tales of Beedle the Bard for everyone who wants them to enjoy (and that literally means millions of Harry Potter fans).

And then this, the official trailer of the latest movie (6th), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

If truth be told, however, I am a hundred times more excited over the new book than the movie. I really think JK can make the Bard series into yet another succesful series.

photohunt: clouds

9:00 PM Saturday, August 02, 2008

Clouds and the Manila Cathedral at an afternoon wedding

Rainclouds as we climbed Mt. Tapyas, Coron

Rickety bridge to the banca taking us to Calauit sanctuary, Palawan

I love clouds. They are very interesting natural works of art. But I cannot seem to take pictures of them right. Sad really, since they're most interesting at sunset and when it's about to rain.