6:07 PM Sunday, August 31, 2003

Had my first ever Tarot Card reading done last night. It felt good to have beliefs about myself confirmed... and affirmed. I wasn't told anything really new or surprising (and the man who read my cards was the one actually suprised, knowing me a little the way he does).

It also felt sad... to have certain suspicions shaped in words you have been seeking for the longest time.

And anytime soon in the coming days, I know, i'd be crying for the innocence I seem to have completely lost.

And on a more personal note... it grieves me a little more to realize yet again, how greatly I am capable of loving still... but no longer being capable of keeping faith.

Hope will always be there. But faith... it no longer is. The total lack of romantic illusions and the generally very realistic view of how men are, of how they will treat women and what things they can do in the name of and inspite of love... consumes me right now...

Faith can only exist in NOT KNOWING. That's my tragic flaw, I know, and therefore, there are some things I can no longer be... and can no longer give...


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