7:50 AM Thursday, September 23, 2004

two years was a long time
to have loved you
two years is a long time
to still care about you
after having said goodbye
you felt so right
and i was so in love
still, i wish you didn't say
you COULDN'T commit
because i believed you could
that you would, in time
but i guess i wasn't woman
to fight for love
when i keep fighting
with the lover
i really loved you then
and still love you
in my way
but i had to love myself
a little

true, i got tired of
and wondering
i knew love seldom went
but i didn't think
it should be so hard
you could have at least
been clear
about wanting a
and when you were
talking about committing
and your fantasies
of OUR baby in my arms
of me being your wife
i was still too numb
with the pain
from your half-baked words
from before
and because i fell
in love
too much, too soon
i was more scared
that it would be
another roller coaster
of uncertainties
for us

and then i find out
that you've lately
just committed
to someone
i was devastated
for lack of a sadder term
for a while
i felt all our memories
and undone
but then i realized
just because you felt so right
didn't necessarily mean
we were right for each other
true enough, i was just
"in the meantime"
true enough, like what i said
i was meant to prepare you
for something better
and here you are
willing at last
to surrender to the
beauty of love

last year, i only gave up
on you
and what could be between us
but now i find
i can finally let you go
and wish you greater
than you've ever experienced
and now, though there is sadness
for what could have been
and though there is
longing still
when things i associated
with you
collide with my present
at least, there is
peace, finally

i've always said before
no woman could ever love you
as much as i did
and no woman can give as much
of herself to you
the way i can
but now i pray, i'm wrong
i just hope that you
sometimes, think of me
and smile when you think
that at one point in time
there was a possibility
of us...

I suspect that sometimes, there is really no closed book on great and true loves... and that there really is no ending to true loving, even after a relationship hasn't worked out.

In my life, i've seen myself married to three guys. This makes me feel all the more blessed, that Life saw it fit to send my way more than one guy to spend a lifetime with and really love. I've made my peace with Alvin (I just miss the fact that he understood me the most) and am making my peace with AE (I will always miss his drawings and poems made for me).

I almost lost JRA to another woman (and I couldn't really blame him if he chose her over me, because I did give him a hard time) and am trying to make peace with that fact too. And I am doing my best (in a non-desperate, non-pathetic way, of course) to win back his trust and his faith in my love. It isn't easy... it verges on really painful at times...

But love, for all its pain, has some truly great rewards...


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