MEComposing

... hears the song in my heart, and sings it to me when my memory fails. (Anonymous)

My second confinement for this month (acute gastroenteritis) which lasted for some 5 days found me in the lowest of lows. I was just too tired and feeling too dumb and helpless. The fact that I actually got sick enough to require confinement (which I may not have needed had I not been pregnant) was just too much to bear, along with the guilt over the expense, my capacity as a mother, the safety of my unbonr, and the burden I was putting on my husband.

It was just too much. I literally cried and cried buckets because there was nothing else I could do. I was just tired. And I was ready to give up... the old usual escape of wishing I could just curl up and die was too tempting.

I'm going to sound overly redundant but really, I was just too tired.

Then my friend Jaejay pays me a visit in the hospital. He wanted to bring me his pasalubongs from the US, push incentives really: a Discovery Channel documentary on the Human Body, a 2-gig hi-speed SD card for my cam (for taking lots of pics once my little one is out) and an I Hope You Dance Journal.

He was a friend I met over the net around some four years ago... we've seen each other about once or twice a year at most. We mainly chat or e-mail each other... or text. He was one of two friends who went to Pyro's wake to console me, and condole with my family. And he remembered how touched I was before when a friend shared with me the inspirational song I blogged about.

He reminded me to dance. And as if woken from a dream, I slowly got myself together enough to express myself better and get my significant others to really be able to help me.

Jaejay heard the song in my heart... and sang it to me when my memory failed. Hopefully, I don't fail him and really keep on dancing this time.

For the mp3 of the song, click here.

*~*

Labski, hope you're finding Texas a lot friendlier and rewarding the second time around. And that you'd get yourself a date for that something you've already bought tickets for. Mwah!

*~*

One other thing that greatly humbled me while I was at the labor room, having my contractions monitored lest they really trigger premature labor, was the fact that during the time Py was sick, all of us who loved him dearly wished we could suffer the cancer in his stead. It's still heartbreaking to think of all those times he had to be poked and prodded and tampered with just so he can be saved...

And I thought then... my illness and the pregnancy discomforts that had me so compromised the past months are still nothing compared to what he had to go thru. And I had a chance to do for my baby what his mother couldn't do for him. I could take better care of myself, and I could suffer the confinement, just so I could save my baby.

I also thought then... that maybe this is some kind of life deposit I was making. Suffering now would spare my child. Or at least teach me important lessons i'd need to be a better parent.

But then, depression struck me... and it was only after being able to bounce back that I realized how Py still has much to teach me. I wrote in my IHYDJ (I hope you dance journal):

"Pyro kept dancing till the end, despite the tears and the trauma, he didn't stop being a child, he didn't lose his sense of wonder. Even his morose, whimpering attitude on his last few days don't seem to me as if he stopped dancing. I know he was just sad he couldn't dance to the beat we wanted anymore."

*~*

I face more trials and challenges and stumbling blocks and unknowns... I vow to dance around and over them to get to the opportunities and rewards and bliss.

*~*

addendum: June 01, 2007
Around a month before we found out Py was sick, I blogged about dancing with him. I was reminded of that entry by MommyBa's comment about how Py is still dancing with me.