turning 30...

9:09 AM Monday, October 01, 2007

Pondering all my years in this lifetime, I cannot help but feel like a distant observer at some points in my life. How could I have been so unhappy and angry and lost and just plain ridiculous? :)

But then again, all those angst-ridden years worked itself out in the end to bring me to ME... to this ME that's happy and fulfilled and hopeful.

Some plans I made for myself paid off... like not getting pregnant or marrying way before I was prepared for the challenges, and deserving of its rewards.

And because i've chosen well where it counts, forces are conspiring and making everything fall into place.

The first ten years of my life... I was an unhappy child with a happy enough childhood. I was blessed with mental stimulation, escape from things that disappointed me, material things that would sustain me, and a sort of love that, though I found wanting, will still always be more than what others have enjoyed. And being the eldest child will forever cloak me with certain favors and expectations that would facilitate my becoming self-possessed.

The second ten years of my life... was tumultuous and basically involved, wasted, focused, spent on finding answers to questions I have not phrased well. Thus, the wandering. But still, I had the time of my life. I had friends, I had admirers. Despite the acne and the thinness, I never felt ugly... even in times of rejection. I also got a glimpse of what true love can be.

The last ten years so far... have been spent on ridding myself of the angst and the drama that drove me to stupid, self-defeating scenarios... and formulating my questions well so I can get the answers I was seeking. I guess I got so good in formulating some of these questions that they answered themselves :) The last two years have particularly seen me go through the most painful, the most beautiful, the most life-defining, the most humbling times of my life... and the privilege of being loved and having loved has seen me through.

So now I can't help but be very optimistic of the next years ahead. I am aware that my troubles will be more dire, more serious, more gut-wrenching... but I also know that the rewards can more than compensate for all the times that i'd cry.

It's true... once you decide for sure where you want to go, the journey becomes a little more clearer and easier. The road even sometimes seems to be paved in gold, with street signs directing you to shortcuts and invaluable sidetrips to further enrich the trip.

Life has been good to me, despite the scars and the souvenirs, my spirit has triumphed... and I have the luxury of still being able to dance my way thru life.

So I thank the greater force that has kept me safe and healthy and that has blessed me so... and I thank all the friends and foes that have enriched my life with lessons I wouldn't have learned otherwise...


The only thing I can really wish for now is a safe, non-CS delivery that will deliver a healthy baby to me and my husband's arms.

(but ok, I wouldn't say no to material things... wehehehe, but even a brand-new DSLR cannot make my heart skip a beat these days)


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