MEComposing

Warning: Major Rant Ahead


I've often felt... and silently believed, that I am an innately angry person. Of course, if I consider what i've learned in my college years about a person's psychology, I should maybe also say that something in my childhood caused this personality trait. But I just really believe I was born angry.

And I don't really want to debate over the possibility and rationality of that statement. And yes, I am channeling an Ally McBeal line about Ally being terminally lonely. You know, how some people just seem to be born sad? I was born angry.

(I think Sigmund just rolled over in his grave to mumble "birth trauma", hehe)

Hemingwei.

I am consumed with anger right now, thus the lack of sleep yet again. Angry about plans not pushing through, about circumstances, about things I can't control, etc. But mostly i'm angry over the things I can control but have chosen not to. I'm angry at myself for being the one sabotaging my chances at more/greater happiness.

Case in point, not studying at all.

Another case in point, filling myself with food because I was feeling empty.

Not sleeping right.

Not managing my time well.

Not doing the things I ought to do.

And yes, blogging about these things. I'm all bark and no bite.

I come up with dreams and schemes and lists and plans... but do not have the backbone to see them through. Sometimes, I really wonder if am just a sloth like that, you know, too lazy to make things happen for myself... or if, despite the bravado, i'm really just an insecure girl, sitting in front of a computer, pretending to matter.

Ugh.

I have a life. Am I living it?

And why, oh why, do I still have to ask?

*~*

You would think that awareness of one's self-sabotage would already set one free. Sigh. I'm just thankful that am not wallowing in unrequited love and drugs and crimes, but still, i'm feeling just as wasted as them. As senseless.

*~*

Is this still a really bad PMS talking? Is this a year and eight months' worth of hormones raging that's making me crazy with sadness and madness right now?

A friend just bounced back from a quarter-life crisis. Am I too impressionable that I am in one too? Or just still really adjusting to the life changes?

Oh, God... I want to ask for a reprieve, for some quiet for my restless soul, but how can I ask for more rest when I haven't moved at all? How dare I ask for liberation when I alone chained myself up?

And yet.. and yet... looking within isn't helping... at least, not just yet.