Just A Little Envious

12:53 AM Thursday, September 04, 2008

A good friend's father passed away. And she wrote a really beautiful entry about him. And I cannot help but be envious... not that her father is dead (because I love my Dad enough to be happy he's still alive) but that her father was the way he was, and that she is the daughter she is.

I am racking my brains right now for a memory of my Dad surprising me with something nice. Not that he wasn't thoughtful... both my parents were, in their own way. But I think the fact that my Dad chooses to 'keep things from us' in pursuit of feeding his ego with false praises by users and abusers... that has really estranged him from me.

And it's really traumatic to have someone you've put on a pedestal all your life be disclosed as not just far from perfect, but sometimes even downright mean. And I never will get why, although he never had affairs, he'd also choose to betray my Mother's trust and allow people to think otherwise. Where is the loyalty in that, if her honor wasn't something you protected?

I know I am being very cruel and heartless and selective. But I have really yet to accept that my father never loved my mother as I expect a husband should love his wife. Therein lies my misery. It's why I think he's failed me as a father.

Hopefully, we still have time to be a better father and daughter to each other.


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