MEComposing

I love my brother. Shamefully though, only because he is my brother.

He turned 29 today and to celebrate, he invited all his tambay friends from our street last night to go drinking at our home... where he doesn't really live anymore. So aside from being upset because of the noise they were making till 4 AM today, that kept the neighbors (and us, my son and husband included) awake, and slightly annoyed for having our pantry and ref raided (one or two canned good would have been okay, more than that affects our meal budget already... and MY chocolates are MINE alone, and therefore MINE to give away)... I was also royally pissed that my brother could afford to splurge on five cases of beer grande (though he was happily saying to his friends to thank Lhuillier for the beer, implying he pawned something) but had to get some of our parents' money from me several days before to pay for his son's immunization.

My mother is literally breaking her back in the US to earn money. All her retirement benefits have already been spent on Py's treatments before. So a part of me cannot help but coldly wish for lightning to strike my brother for not even having learned gratitude and consideration from all that has happened.

I was literally torn last night... pitiful of a brother who did lose his firstborn, smug about having a good life compared to all those tambays in our home, offended for my parents, annoyed because I really don't get why those without money will choose to hold drinking sessions, sad for my nephew who has my brother for a Dad, embarassed that my husband has to be deprived of sleep when he pays all the bills in both houses, angry that my brother is without consideration...

I fought to control my temper. Although I didn't think his birhday is reason enough to be a jerk, I chose the high road. It was pointless to pick a fight anyway, considering he's drunk. Besides, going on a rampage would only result in my husband having to intervene, and I really didn't want to invite more trouble for him as well.

The high road. I'm not even sure where it is exactly, or what it looks like. I am so scared of enabling my brother to be more of a jerk, but I don't know which fights in relation to him are worth it anymore. My Mom enables him... and I have picked so many fights about it with my Mom already too. You would think, losing a child will already teach someone about consideration...

Before, when my brother's in a fix, I'd always tell our sis that what makes me angry the most is karmic retribution. That life will collect from my brother in a big way for every wrong choice he made, and that I was scared because karma usually involves someone beloved to you. Back then, I was scared that something has to happen to our Mom, something awful, in order to push my brother to do right.

And in my darkest moments pondering my brother, I couldn't help but think that Py might have been his chance to do right, but God saw him undeserving of the chance so He punished him instead by taking Py away.

I really feel so lost. What else can I do? And how do I love a brother for who he is, and not just because we share the same parents?