MEComposing

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

- Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt

journeys end in lovers meeting, supposedly. But what happens when a relationship ends? Where do you go from where he/she said goodbye?

*~*

Guys can be weird sometimes. They won't commit to you. There won't be avowals of love and forever. There won't be flowers. You get to pay your own way in dinners and movies. You get introduced as a friend. You're even teased to other guys.

And yet, the sexual encounters are as passionate and regular as the convesations, e-mails, text messages exchanged. But of course, since there are no grand gestures moving towards commitment, you assume that you ARE just f*ck buddies... you assume that this IS a meantime relationship.

And when you've gone out of your way to seek a partner you know you deserve, someone who speaks of forever and marriages and family... someone who isn't scared of making plans with you and for you... after you've transcended what you thought was a temporary, superficial, seasonal relationship for something more... you learn of the truth.

His weirdness. His quiet fantasies of you having a child together. That child already having a name, a cute combination of both your names. His dreams where he does household chores for you. His plans of going someplace with you. His goal of introducing you to his Mother. His secret anxiety for his Mother to approve of you. His belief that you will make the best Mother. His belief that he cannot make love to anybody else. His belief that you hold the key to his soul. His trust that he can be himself with you. That he loves you. And needs you. And wants to be with you.

*~*

Girls can be weird sometimes. Here's a guy in love with you, and accepts you for who you are. Here's a guy wiling to commit to you and brings you flowers and gives you a backrub. He makes plans with you, includes you in his life, gets involved in yours. And yet you shun this gift for someone who doesn't always give you the time of day. For someone who's hurt you many times before. For someone you don't really trust to care enough for you.

You put your happiness in the hands of someone who never deserved the honor, who cannot really rise up to the challenge. You may be rewarded sometimes, but memories of how loved the other guy used to make you feel keep haunting you.

*~*

There are no hard and fast rules in a relationship.

I fell majorly in love with someone even after meeting JRA and enjoying his love. Who knows how many times i've let JRA go. There were two other times when I really imagined a future with someone else... or at least longed to have a real chance at love with someone else. But I didn't stick around long enough to wait for them to make up their minds. I knew then that I loved them. That I could love them forever, given a chance. And yet, for me, it's either they want to be with me or not. I felt that if they couldn't make that choice then, they would never make a choice in my favor. So I let them go.

JRA fell in love with me and never let go. He stayed through the times when my heart beat someone else's name. Everybody said, even I, that he deserved someone better. He had much love to give and therefore should get much love in return.

But Life is wiser far than we. Given our situations before, who would say that we'd still end up happy?

*~*

I just recently found out that a friend used to beat up his girlfriend... this on top of cheating on her in their love nest.

I cannot manage hate for the man... not because he's my friend, but because they've separated... and I feel more pity for him. I just know that in the end, he wouldn't be happy. And since he hasn't been taking good care of himself, I can't help but think he'd die alone... and soon.

I also cannot manage pity for the woman... not because what happened to her isn't sad... but because the greater question I have that she needs to answer (for herself) is: what stopped her from loving and honoring herself? And eventhough she's still depressed and bitter and feeling lost, I have no doubt that she'd end up happy someday. She finally has a chance at real happiness... and I intend to be with her till she has it.

*~*

I have been totally remiss in visiting my links and blog friends. I am sorry. And I have no excuse.

Meanwhile, updates on Py are here.

*~*

Jaejaym thank you for the mp3.

*~*

Happy long weekend everyone. I shall brave a swimsuit shot tomorrow while I frolick with my husband and our youngest siblings in Laiya.