random morbid thoughts

9:08 AM Monday, June 05, 2006

Maybe because Py has cancer and is being operated on today, and because my colleague just had his late husband's 40th day... and maybe because i've always had a weird fascination over death...

I started Friday last week asking JRA if he wants me to do all I can to text him a final, "I LOVE YOU" even when am all bloodied and dying.

And then colleagues and I got to talking about death, how families deal with it, how one prepares for death in the family, how costly it can be (average of P100,000 for the funeral services and plot), how it can bring out what's good in your family (my colleague was just made to sit with her late husband while her family took care of everything, contacting funeral service, cooking, etc without even asking her first if she can pay them), how you should discuss such with your spouse (I do) and siblings (we don't), etc.

Hubby and I can't help but discuss such things... we're eldests. We expect (unrealistic probably) that when the inevitable death of a parent comes on our doors, we can let the remaining parent and the rest of our siblings just grieve. It's not some here complex going on, it's just usually the case, what more, JRA being a man. That's why it's also important right now for us to be there for our respective families, so that we can command authority and respect for our decision-making capabilities in times of crisis.

And then a visit to Py yields other what-ifs in me. What if, Fate deciding to be a little more cruel, takes away my brother, or SIL, or both as my brother fetches my SIL on his motorcycle? I'd have to get Py (because SIL's siblings already have kids)... and will JRA support that (he gave me a you-have-to-ask look and asked me, "Am I not his godfather?")?

And then I feel sad that I or my brother could die, and we still wouldn't be best friends. The damage wrought by my parents' favoritism and our own family dynamics is just too deep... and i've long since accepted that I don't have a choice about loving my brother, but that we'd also never be close.

And of course, I cannot imagine losing my sister.

And then I went asking my husband to take care of my siblings when I die, same way that I intend to take care of his. Because again, we're firstborns.

And of course, i'd be inconsolable if I ever lose my husband.

Death... it's a gripping world all its own.

And yes, what a somber way to start my week... but my brother and sister and SIL are all going crazy in the hospital... and I'm going crazy here... and i'm sorry to suspect that somewhere in the US, my Mom is also going crazy with fear and worry.


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