MEComposing

Aside from all the things i wanted for myself... things I said i'd never compromise... like engaging (nay, enjoying!) in pre-marital sex, making sure i can still bend my body/trunk when am 60 (i think i should rethink this seeing as i'm already having trouble now!), not ever allowing myself to stay with an unfaithful partner, never allowing myself to be abused, exploited, taken for granted, etc by a partner, marrying someone who is financially-stable and has all the potential and drive to remain so, never doing drugs, enjoying my single blessedness before settling down, projecting an air of a sensual, sexy woman, immortalizing my youthful body in photographs (I could really have been crass and shot for porn... but i'm actually conservative)...

Well ok, the list can go on a long time... but aside from all those things, a major driving force in my life has always been to be a Mom.

I believe, am mostly driven by the fact that I didn't really get to enjoy mine. And the reaction to my childhood, to my upbringing, to my circumstance is such that I grew with only motherhood really as a life purpose.

No, I wasn't pathetic enough to get knocked up the minute my first period started... nor did I look at men as possible sperm donors strutting about. But always, the grand dream is to be a Mom.

At first, I didn't even really think about being a biological Mom... visions of a gaping vagina oozing with blood and gore (Ok, maybe not exactly gore) and ejecting a crying infant was not exactly... a nice picture, to say the least. So, in days when am just really contemplative of the future, i'd see myself old (around 40) and sitting on a porch, watching many kids playing in my yard. So yes, I wanted kids and I wanted many of them... and I also want a yard and a porch.

But more than wanting to be a Mom, I also wanted to be a better Mom than my mother ever was. (Mom is not actually a monster... but the uber-sensitive child that I was got hurt all the time by her seeming coldness and indifference... I also think I read way too many books that led me to have illusions that all mothers should be their daughter's best friend... someone who would fuss and comfort and hug and play with you and hang out and stuff... but my Mom was maybe too old to play at age 29, when she had me, and too tired working her a$$ off to augment the family's disposable income... and too marked by her own hard childhood). So despite my love for infants and patience for them (basing from all the times I helped out with younger cousins), I also set out not to have an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy.

I was responsible. I pride myself with that... because it was a choice that involved a lifestyle that's not always convenient. Honestly, I even really believe that my parents should have fainted in relief that I was able to graduate from college without getting pregnant...

So though I didn't 'save' myself for my husband, I made sure I saved my firstborn child all the stability and love I can offer (which I know I couldn't have possibly given had I not wanted the child in the first place)... and all the blessings and eagerness from everyone who's going to be around him or her. I told myself, no child of mine will not be wanted and unwelcome (however initially).

But alas... I have now been married for 8 months... and my reproductive prospects look a little grim. And am seriously allowed to be melodramatic about things, seeing as it's already three in the morning...

We found out that there's a growing cyst in my left ovary aside from the fact that I am actually suffering from overproduction of hormones by my thyroid gland. I am actually still due for more screening so my endocrinologist can better determine which treatment/medication i'd require. I went into his clinic expecting to be told, "Oh, it seems you may have a problem but it's good we caught it early before your T3-T4 levels have really risen"... but instead I was told, "Your T3-T4 levels are really high and your heart rate is already faster than normal, eventhough you're not exhibiting other signs..."

*insert pursed lips here*

Hyperthyroidism isn't exactly terminal (like... say... cancer?) but now, it's like my world is spinning.... no, make that... it's like am spinning and the world is at a stand-still. I'm now afraid to get pregnant (because despite the cyst in the ovary, which could actually be due to the hormonal imbalance caused by my thyroid problem, everything inside me is just dandy for conception) in case my thyroid problem causes abnormalities to the baby (both when I undergo treatment or not). And then, there's also that fact that my thyroid problem just may be the reason why I haven't gotten preggy yet... and what if it results in actual infertility?

I feel like a child who did all the right and good things... but don't get rewarded in the end. A petulant child yearning for some reward. A moping, angry, confused, hurt child who couldn't get her toy.

But really, there's just sadness (and ok, impatience!) when I ponder the possibility that... the girl who pulled her friends to the Baby Stuff section in department stores all the time will never actually get to buy those booties for her own child... that there will be no wooden crib, and color-coordinated baby stuff (yellow and green), no tummy caresses from the husband, no Mother's Day cards doodled with stick drawings...

Again, I could go on and on.

And then I look back at my 'practicing safe sex' phase and ask myself... if I had known i'd have problems later on... would I have been less responsible? Would I have risked teenage pregnancy?

And then I sigh as I answer myself that NO... I still wouldn't have. I was still taking care of me then... and raising myself, so to speak. I wanted to be a good mother after all.

*more melodramatic sigh here*

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A sort of related post

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The gym thing is at least making me lose pounds as fast as I gained them. Though it's really weird that i've got hyperthyroidism and yet kept gaining weight.

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Heaven find me ways to sleep tonight.

But if not... can I just ask for Pyro's cancer to go away for good?

And if not that... the new Canon EOS 400D really makes my heart skip a beat :)