my sadness...

11:16 AM Thursday, September 21, 2006

Myabe it's really just birthday blues.

But I find myself very unproductive these days. I even have to be constantly reminded to do the littlest things... and my home is a mess. I'm just not really apllying myself to anything, or even if I do, it feels like am not there.

Like am not present.

Like I don't exist.

Ugh. How melodramatic.

I look around and see colleagues losing loved ones. Even in-laws are losing loved ones. My fave boss is leaving for ADB. Other friends have found new jobs, published a book, hooked up with someone new, tried a new sport, and gotten pregnant. Husband has Phuket and Singapore coming up, aside from his exams (which, when he's reviewing for them, drives him to not go home early since I prove so much of a distraction walking about naked at home).

It's like people around me are living active lives... and i'm just watching them. But I really don't have anything I look forward to, or feel passion for. The bit about digiscrapping and photography are things i've also already shelved.

(actually, am going to Davao on my birthday because of some Budget Hearing... but though I haven't gone there for years, it's still a routine thingie here at work... and yes, we do have a Palawan trip all planned up)

I have started scouring the net for vacancies because i've really been forced to confront my unhappiness and stagnation here at my present job. 6 years of the same bureacratic drudgery is bound to kill something in someone. But I have yet to send my resume to companies i'm targetting.

And still, there's no tingling feeling of being alive.

I am numb, detached.

Well, of course, Pyro and our cause (getting him to meet Batista) will always touch me.

But still... detachment. Ambivalence. Indifference.


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