MEComposing

I cannot deny the WOMAN I am...

SENSUAL... I like pleasurable things... I like gentle words... I like stimulating conversations... I like touching... I like connecting... I like being aware... I like feeling alive...

FLIRTATIOUS... and even exhibitionistic... a shameless flirt who loves stimulating banters... an attention whore eventhough I don't necessarily strip in clubs or go out of my way to have everyone's eyes on me...

EXPRESSIVE... even though my heart is like an ocean filled with secrets and half-thoughts... I don't like keeping what I think shouldn't be kept inside... lest I burst, lest I become represed, lest it inhibit me from being who I am, lest I encourage false expectations about myself...

CONSERVATIVE... i've always known my place, my boundaries... even though I test and challenge them myself... i'd always value institutions like marriage and families... i'd always defer to a life purpose... i'd always put premium on things like honesty, loyalty, trust, respect and growth...

INTELLIGENT... and still learning about living and loving

LIBERAL... I want sex and my sexuality to be an OK thing... not something I should shy away from... not something I cannot share with other people, through words of wisdom, encouragement, rebuke... I want to celebrate how good it feels being a woman... I do not define intimacy as something totally secret...

DISCRIMINATING.... much as I like attention, much as I glorify my body... or sex, in general... I never felt I owed anyone anything... and therefore choose my friends well... and who I cavort naked with... Only I decide when and where and for whom to spread my legs for... regardless of whether he may already be a lover who'd feel I owe him that... because i've never been easy... i've never been a slut... Had I the capacity for immorality, i'd have been wallowing in free & expensive dinners now, topped with equally expensive gifts and trips...

VULNERABLE... I am as easily hurt as the next woman... I have hopes that can easily be dashed... I have feelings... I still don't have any armor against rejection, prejudice, unrealistic expectations... and yet, have my own silent expectations from my family, my friends, my lover...

ADVENTUROUS... I want to try new things, and meet as many people as I can... to learn from them and teach them some things myself... I want to explore my limits... I want to know how far I can go without losing myself... and killing myself... or doing harm to myself except for the sleepless nights I spend away dancing/hanging out with friends...

HOPEFUL... ROMANTIC even... never, for a day, giving up on my ultimate dream, to become a mother to children I will forever love and protect... and wife to a man who love me as passionately as I love him...

I am all these things and many more. I know I am becoming a better person. I know I will mellow out someday. I know that my priorities will always be both dynamic and fixed... I know what's true in my heart even if I don't say or show it... I know the most important things in my life... and I know the people I'd really hope I won't have to live without...

I'm a woman... with my own personality, my own interests, my own life to live... I have been hurt before and isn't really looking forward to all the other things that are sure to hurt me yet...

I'm a woman... and yet still human... I live therefore I love... I love therefore I hurt... I'm imperfect and unique therefore I cannot help but hurt myself, or other people... no matter how I love them...

*~*

Enchang is a stage actress who admits that she's had abortions before... and yet she still found Mari Kaimo, a man, who loved and married her despite her past... despite who she was and because of who she's become due to her past...

I like to believe that my outspokenness in Pex, MTC, MyG and my blog... my seeming lack of concern of who gets to read about intimate things about myself... or even promiscuous posts exchanged in jest with online friends... and my lack of regard for whoever gets to see some sexy pictures of myself.... I like to believe that those things are still far lesser crimes to humanity... and my future husband...

And if she can find someone who was able to accept her and love her still... surely, someday... a man would embrace what kind of woman I am and love me for it... surely, someday... a man would accept that my exhibitionistic streak can never take away from my capacity to love and care for him... from my capacity to be loyal and true... Surely, someday... a man would believe that I love him and bank his faith on me... not on what other people may perceive me to be... and not how I project myself on other people...

Because he'd be loving me... and he'd be having a relationship with me...

Surely, someday... that can... and will... happen...