MEComposing

I have been kidding a lot of my friends about jumping off Banahaw this weekend... and how i'd do it at Durungawan III instead of Durungawan I since I don't wanna be sharing a tombstone with BULOY...

Anyway, I feel shitty and all... and I didn't really know that... I could so speedily plunge into the same darkness that I was in last 1999... darkness sooo total that I actually wish and wish and wish i'd just die...

Just die... I don't even take care of myself when I cross streets now... I just wish and wish and wish for everything... everything... to stop...

But alas... i'm either too weak or too strong to contemplate suicide... I don't know, I've always deemed it as a coward's way out... and i'd always, probably even hypocritically, tell myself that i'm not a coward... i'm just... tired...

And then I think... I love my loved ones too much to bail out on them... how i can never put my parents or my sister through a suicide... especially my sister... and now that Pyro has come into my life, I feel all the more responsible to be alive...

And I think, that is what ultimately separates people who commit suicide from people who don't... the knowledge that he is needed... the feeling that he's responsible for somebody else's life... somebody else's happiness...

And then I also can't help but wonder how strong my desire to live is... if I encounter an accident now and will be attached to tubes and stuff, would I really have what it takes to fight for my life? Would my spirit be stronger than my flesh? Would I actually WILL myself to live?

And so, why am I wishing to DIE now?

*~*

One other thing about suicide...

I sincerely wish that my family, past, present and future will always be composed of averagely intelligent human beings... and not geniuses who, because of their special uniqueness, can no longer allow their lives to be touched by someone else...

I would rather have kids worrying over how to be loved more and to love more... and how to get more out of life... than have them contemplating on religion, God's existence and their own... unable to enjoy moments and just believe that they were born for a purpose...

Also, I would rather have my kids live a congruent life... able to express how they really feel without having to hide from masks...

And I would demand that my kids, however much it might pain me as well, to get used to troubles as soon as possible... to be tested by life in different ways... to know how it is to be scarred and to stumble... and get back up again and heal...

*~*

Note to self: Believe that things hurting you now WILL pass... that you will get the congrunece you so seek... and that... you should always take care in crossing streets...