conflicted and triumphant

9:00 AM Friday, March 03, 2006

Ever since I can remember wanting to become a mother, I also started envisioning myself as a stay-at-home Mom. I guess that's partly why i've never really been ambitious enough, career-wise, because all I ever wanted to do for the long-term is be a Mom and be a counselor/teacher.

Nurturing, caregiving roles.

And the more crap I get from people who put more premium in earning a living than raising a child hands-on, the more passionate i've become about being a stay-at-home Mom.

Unfortunately, I forgot to be brilliant in any career first, which would have allowed me to save money probably, for all the years I will not be chipping in.

And having been honest about it, I, of course, expect that if the means is there (read: a husband that's earning well), I can have my wish.

And now that i've married, this has become an issue. It's not that hubby isn't willing to support me. It's just that we have yet to tackle our definition of what will be a comfortable life for us, if he alone will be earning.

And it's driven me to tears for many a night the past weeks, feeling guilty of possibly burdening my hubby with the role of sole provider (because it's just not VOGUE anymore for a woman to stay home, what more, a woman like me who graduated cum laude for crying out loud), and yet knowing that I wouldn't be happy getting pregnant, knowing I won't be watching the child grow from infanthood to childhood.

And wouldn't that be the shtt!est thing to have, an unhappy mother and a bitter wife.

I know I'd have to pull my share of the weight when times are hard (and yes, times are really hard). I also know I grew up living comfortably enough with nary a care as to where i'd get tuition money, or an allowance. My parents provided well for us, and we never wanted for our basic needs. I also know i'm so spoiled I have slightly expensive cravings (right now, i've been on an ice cream and kettle corn binge).

I have yet to dialogue with my hubby and map out our 5-year plan. We know we want babies. We know we're not exactly young anymore to have them later than neccessary. We have yet to draw the lines where we'd compromise.

But right now, I just really feel VERY POOR when I consider possibilities I don't like.

On a lighter note, i've decided to take digiscrapping on. Unfortunately, i'm just learning the basics of Photoshop. And the laptop am using at home, being an old model, couldn't really support Photoshop 8. So now, Photoshop version 5 is the one installed there... and it's not so easy to digiscrap using it (I can't even move texts and what-nots, nor use PNG files anymore, hay).

Still, it feels great to be doing something i've never thought i'd ever do: Photoshop. :D

I have already around 1 gig of downloaded freebies from such sites as Digital Design Essentials and Digital Freebies.

But my fave, fave site is Digital Scrapbook Place where i've gotten, not only elements and ploppers and kits and fonts, i've also gotten a lot of literature to help me along. Yes, i've been printing a lot of their tutorials (which I can't really use right now, considering the Photoshop version at home). I'm also enjoying viewing the layouts in their forum's challenges.

Other forums I like include Rakscraps and Digital Scrapbook Pages.

Tons of freebies could also be gotten from Shabby Princess.

And now, am up to my neck downloading more font styles from the following sites:
Get Free Fonts
Webpage Publicity
Harold's Fonts
Fonts for Kids


Sample achievements so far include the ff:

My first attempt! Who knew I'd ever paste picture on picture? Hehe

This time, the latest version of Photoshop was still working, which was why I was able to use PNG butterflies (Girl Thing by LSmith) and alphas (Metallic Alpha). Used Lainie Day SH, Beautiful ES and Regency font styles too. Tribute to my Kikay sis!

See, I couldn't use PNG files anymore :( And I can't create effects yet to save my life. Used Lainie Day, regency and Jacoba fonts.


I don't think i'd ever be as good as my blogfriends Aggie and Tin (who are geniuses) but I don't mind. I've known ever since I'm not as creative as most peaople :) Besides, am more after embellished pictures I can have printed.

Oh and yes, I intend to take photography lessons this summer to augment my photographic skills and maximize the use of my digicam. Maybe, my picture blog will thrive then.


THEME SONG daw sakin to nung isa kong blog friend kasi naaalala nya ako when he hears this song. Siguro kasi, I'm a little bit of crazy, I'm a little bit of a fool, I'm a little bit of lonely, I'm a little bit of all...


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