MEComposing

Both were born via C-section. Pyro was breech with one foot and hand up, so my SIL's labor did not progress. Yakee was not breech but he didn't get in position, my cervix remained closed and I was not even having contractions at 40 weeks.

I didn't see Py born. I delivered Yakee and got to kiss him within minutes.

I first saw Py through the window of the nursery and was chagrined that he looked like my father. A lot.

Yakee was the spitting image of his father when he was born.

I didn't see Py again till they moved in with us... he's around 1-2 months old then. Yakee was sleeping with me from day 1 because we roomed him in.

Py seldom cried and didn't seem to get hungry. Yakee was colic for a while and nursed every 2 hours. Both had strong bones though, evidenced by their early neck control and ability to sit and stand (with support). Both 'talked' early too, vocalizing and whining and shrieking, you'd think they were girls.

Both had smiles that could melt even the coldest of hearts.

Both are great loves of my life.

But Py had always been thin, while Yakee is the picture of health from the beginning. Sometimes, I can't help but feel an irrational guilt that my son is healthy while others, like Py, are not.

Maybe because Yakee is purely breastfed and Py was not.

Py was very intelligent, however, and I hope Yakee will be too.

Py grew up with me documenting his development using my camera. Yakee is growing up under the glare of at least two digicams, three cam phones and one videocam.

I bought Py's yellow comforter but I couldn't find an equally-nice one for Yakee.

I only changed Py's diaper once while I am as familiar with Yakee's tush as I am with my hands. I think I also only fed Py once. Our household then didn't trust me alone with him. But I am totally, naturally, in-charge of Yakee.

When my son was still an infant and preferred sleeping prone, I lay awake those nights just watching him breathe, because I was scared of SIDS. But with Py, there was only that one night when I didn't dare sleep, scared that he'd get another allergic reaction from his chemotherapy drug.

I miss Py. I think i'm missing him more now because my son is interacting more now. And always, there is that faraway cloud hovering over my son's future inside me, scared that he might get sick like his cousin. And then there is sadness, that soon, Yakee will be doing more than Py ever did... enjoying more than Py got to.

I once said here that I loved Py first. But he's not anymore the only one I love best.

And I know that it's okay.

I just really wish I can love them together... but maybe it's enough that I love them forever.