MEComposing

... i've really loved before...

and who, in a way, i always will

the guys i was able to imagine a forever with

and who, i somehow care for still

A
you were my first Baby, you were my first true love
you were the first guy to ever make me feel special
and worthy of love
you were the one who broke my expected reality
of growing old alone
(you know, i didn't know if i'd be a wife
but i've always known i'd be a mom)
you were also the first
to really break my heart
and my spirit
you taught me a lot about love
and pain
and letting go
and moving on
and now am happy
that we're friends again
see you on my wedding day
with your beloved wife
who is my friend again, too

B
i was your darling
i was your dearest
i still somehow believe
that we're soulmates
i never knew anyone i felt such affinity for
despite our differences
it's both eerie and magical
and then, of course, tragic
i'm not sure if we'd ever have closure
seeing as we never talked
and there are regrets
i'm not sure if we'd ever be friends again
seeing as there were bridges burned
and we both really haven't changed
but know what, you made me realize how brave i can be
for love
for you, whom i loved
and if ever you'd pass by
if ever you'd know it's you
hurt me not for the last time
be happy instead, be brave as i was
and be braver
sooner

C
words left unsaid
may spare a person pain
and yet, words that were unsaid
usually means feelings were unexpressed
i made the mistake of dreaming dreams
and scheming schemes
involving 'you', 'me' and 'forever'
but i kept it to myself
believing it will never be welcome
the weirdest thing was
all i had to do was ask
the crazier thing is
all you had to do was ask too...
and so it ended that
we'd never dance together in this life
for nobody took the first step

*~*

after all is said and done
after all the feelings felt
all the songs sung and played
the words said and un-said
i know i can still say
i'm happy with my choice
i am not with someone as a failsafe
to growing old alone
i am with him
because i love him
and he loves me
and because i can allow him to be him
and he allows me to be me
yes, i'd always care for A, B, and C
they colored my life
and made it more meaningful
for a time
they were my beloved for a reason
for a season
and i'd always be grateful they were
temporary witnesses to my life
and i hope someday
they'll learn as much as i have
and be at peace as much as i am
and have as much courage and hope as i do
(A actually is already there)
so they'd be happy as much
as i expect to be

I often wonder if my baby felt that it was going to be replaced soon... that's why it decided to bail out on me first... and has since been languishing at the Canon repair shop.

Service units are hard to come by. Its parts will be arriving next year pa.

Sigh.

Am looking at a picture-less Holidays.

I wish nde na magtampo my cam... I intended to pass it on to JRA's family anyway, where it can feast on a newborn girl come February. It's not like I was going to just throw it away or completely forget all about it.

I mean, it was my FIRST digicam after all.

It was my precious, my baby, my favorite toy.

It was, and always will be.

It's just that i've come at a point where a cam upgrade is necessary.

Gosh, I wish the wedding to be over soon so i'd have enough money to buy the cam I want.

*~*

Meanwhile, my Baby gave me a Nokia 7270... my first NEW phone for like... 4 years ata.

Somebody send me polyphonic ringing tones... meows would be nice...

I'd rrecord my moans in exchange for the favor, if you want... mwehehe.

This song has always been this catchy tune I associate with beaches and fun times... and maybe, certain Hollywood movies.

While compiling songs i'd want to be played for my wedding, I included it among the ones I want to greet my guests with at the reception, as they arrive.

Then it occurred to me that it might not be a 'happy' and 'inspirational' song at all... so I LISTENED to what it's saying for the first time.

Now, it's one of the songs that inspire me.

*~*

There are two ways to look at the song.

One is that it's a SAD song... imagine reaching a point where you're cryng for help to have strangers rescue you from a life you're not happy with... imagine being in a relationship where you were not able to show who you really are, much less, know who your partner really is... imagine your partner actually throwing caution to the wind to 'escape'

Another is that it's a HOPEFUL song... or one that should remind a person to have faith in his chosen love... for it turns out that the love you've been looking for IS already the one you're already with, and IN the one you're already with... it's just really there... the passion you're seeking...

I know how often, marriages end up in this catatonic-like state where the people involved lose interest in expressing their love and individuality... everything gets boring as people stop acting on how they really feel... but the love, it's always just there...

Isn't it nice to know that who you chose to be a witness to your existence... who you chose to love and live for/with... IS the one?

And isn't right now the perfect time to show each other that you have chosen well?

But yeah, you have to communicate... and work together...

And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

click here for the song's lyrics and melody

... is like being a child again.

My cousin is a great cook... but nothing will ever beat Mom's cooking. Arroz caldo for breakfast today was divine...

She lost a lot of weight. I look chubby if put side by side with her. She has complaints about her caregiving stint in the US but she also looks really happy. She loves all the people she's been taking care of (even if they're depriving her of mealtimes). Then again, she's one of those who seemed to have been borne to nurse and give care. Her charges are people who used to hold high positions (at NASA and in hospitals) who suffered from illnesses that reduced them to a state of second-childhood at the prime of their lives.

Anyway, because she has her earnings in the US and retirement pay for 30 or so years in the government service backing her up... she took us grocery shopping and my sis and I were like pakawala bilmokos :D Mom has been offering also to buy me this and that appliance :)

Anyway, here's looking forward to more of her cooking... more of her nurturing kakulitan to Py... her child-like shyness about small favors done for her...

Missed you, Mom!

... i'd know who among my friends would really take the time and effort to celebrate with me.

and i'd realize again which people are really in my life, eventhough i don't regularly connect with them...

Just last week, I was panicking and filled with anxiety... but a call from one of my closest friends was healing... helpful... soothing.

We talked as if it wasn't a year or so since we last saw each other, or talked to each other. So, I told her, "bestfriend talaga kita, it's like we just made chikahan yesterday"

We knew where each other were coming from.

We were finishing each other's sentences.

And come my wedding day, I know she's among the few who won't make paimportante and gripe about this and that, like being served last or not getting a giveaway.

In fact, she'd be among the few who'd help out... who'd greet my parents with familiarity and good wishes... who'd say a silent prayer IF they see Pyro about... who'd laugh at how I used to be, wacky and demented and ridden with commitment issues.

I missed you Libet. And am glad I can comfort Allee these days. And Icel will be bringing her hubby along. And hopefully, Lota still lives where they used to. And more hopefully, Fuz will attend and join the photo ops... for once.

There will be no chikahan talaga on my wedding day.

But I want to reconnect with my best friends. I think it's also the perfect time to have them all with me.

Not sure if i've already shared it here... how it's LEGEND to my Dad how, when I was younger and we attended Mass, I dipped my hand on the usual bowl of Holy Water, and proceeded to make the sign of the Cross on the angel statue holding the bowl.

Dad tells that story every chance he gets. I think he found me uber cute that time.

*~*

First of all, am saying a prayer for a certain Veluz Family... who lost a 2-month old child last Monday.

The child is my bestfriend's pamangkin... not even sure if it's a girl or boy. My friend doesn't talk much.

I feel so bad for him/them... esply since i've been asking my friend to pray for MY nephew... tas sya yung mawawalan ng pamangkin.

I hope, they can still find a reason to feel blessed this Christmas.

*~*

There is going to be a World Pyro Olympics you guys might want to check out with your families.

Last Monday, there were fireworks at the Closing Ceremonies of the SEA games. I thought of Py... how he'd love to see all those lights lighting up the sky. And then I learn of this event. Needless to say, I got depressed.

Still, i'm looking forward to this Christmas with my family. Not only is it a last Christmas of so many possibilities, both welcome and not, but also a Holiday that will complete my family again... now I can count on sotanghon and hot chocolate again, for Noche Buena. Last April, I didn't know who to spend Christmas with. Heaven was kind, He sent us back all those who migrated to the US... and we're all still alive (pwera bati).

*~*

Aside from wishing for a hassle-free and happy wedding and reception, I can't really come up with other things for a wish list.

But ok... a digicam upgrade is top on the list. My digicam has been officially broken for weeks now, and I dread not having it fixed by the time Christmas comes around.

Still, the plan is to get myself a new digicam to replace my original baby with... only, am having one heck of a trouble choosing what i'd get to replace it with.

I want to feel the upgrade... so more megapixels please! Before I was bent on a Rebel XT... but I figured I can't really be carting it with me all the time since it's both heavy and bulky.

So I said, something more compact this time. But the Canon S80's batteries leave MUCH to be desired... for me at least, who is used to shooting like crazy. That, and the fact that its pictures tend to be overexposed sometimes.

Am actually in love with Canon S2 IS... but it's bulkier and heavier than my present cam! Gosh, without batteries, it weighs about 400 gms. already! It's only 5 megapixels but its packed with power, and has 12x optical zoom. And it uses rechargeable Nimh batteries... like the ones am currently using! It can shoot up to 500 pics with the LCD on before running out of battery charge (comapred to s80's 200 shots).

Yes, yes... obviously the chances of getting the bigger cam is more likely, hehe. They cost the same too.

And yes, i've tried checking the reviews on other brands... but I can't seem to get excited about them. I think, for me, Canon will always ROCK where digital cams are concerned!

Now... what other things would I like? Gift certificates to spas would be nice. And the Calvin and Hobbes complete collection (gosh, it costs P7k ata).

The generic new shoes, bags and clothes, I guess...

Oh...i'd love trips... not sure if i'd have a honeymoon but i'd love to have trips!

I'd also wanna be rid of my allergies, but that would be too much to ask, I guess...

I'd also love MORE of that TORTA DE LOS REYES sans rival cake from Aristocrat... a new discovery (JRA is to blame) that got me hooked. It's chilled/frozen for best effect... and the alternating chocolate ganache-like icing, and the cream-icing.... ahhhh... ecstasies are made of them, I swear!

They melt in your mouth, teasing you with just enough sweetness... sigh, ansarap talaga!

Oh, i'd love to have swarovski necklace and super dangly earrings... to wear with my wedding gown.

And an oven so I can learn to bake... but that would be pretty scary for my loved ones since they'd be scared I'd start a fire :D

Santa Claus, I believed in you before... so please deliver NOW! :p

Because my Dad was busy, and my Mom wasn't here, the duty to witness my sister's capping ceremony (she's a Nursing student) fell onto me.

And though I forgot flowers for my sister, we were armed with a divicam as we strained our necks trying to spot her from all the bunned heads at the Plenary hall last Saturday.

Only, the ceremony took a really long time. And with over 400 students getting capped and pinned, twas a good thing I brought along the book I was re-reading (Needful Things). JRA fell asleep since there were 10 sections and my sister was in the 7th.

*~*

Looking around, one can't help but wonder about how many of the parents there sent their child to become a Nurse because it was what their kid wanted... and not because they were hoping a nursing stint will be their child's ticket abroad.

And of the 400+ students there, how many will really graduate?

Worse, how many will pass the Nursing Board here?

And how many will pass the Nursing Board in the US?

How many parents will have their hopes crashing down when a child fails to deliver?

And how much of the child's failure to deliver is due to a system of education that has been failing to really deliver?

Actually, all my sister's life, I was egging her to be a doctor. She seemed to like the idea anyway. Care-giving was one of her strong suits. But I guess she didn't feel confident enough.

As it is, her course schedule has been depriving her of both sleep and meal times.

Well, our plan anyway is to have her graduate... and then work in a hospital abroad. She and my cousin Adri are both US migrants anyway, so they can easily seek employment there.

After the exposure, and while working in the hospital setting as a nursing aide or whatever else, they can both review for the Nursing Board (NLEX?).

Hopefully, they'd be more prepared and trained then for it.

(then again, my sister was already being courted to work for a hotel last May, but we all wanted her to get a degree)

*~*

JRA notices:

Female nurses get to wear a cap. And they were called CAPPIES.

Male nurses get to don a pin. Shouldn't they be called PINNIES?

*~*

By the way, more on my sister.

*~*

And I can't help but feel nice about all the golds we're winning at the SEA games.

And feel really bad trip about Garcillano's seeming righteous indignation about being caught in an election scandal. The nerve! (wonder what he knows to be valuable enough for Moslems to protect him so)

noun.

defined by Answers.com as:

1) A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.
2) Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association
3) An excessively high opinion of oneself; conceit.

*~*

As a child, I grew up watching my Dad governed by this, and sometimes negatively.

Worse, I acknowledged very early in life that my Dad and I are too much alike where PRIDE is concerned, esply with regards our baser motivations.

*~*

There was once this CHARMED episode where the sisters and Leo were consumed by one of the 7 deadly sins each.

Leo became a sloth. Phoebe became uber carnal. Piper got real greedy.

And Prue kept making 'sacrifices' and 'big decisions'.

Only, she was making them with PRIDE, ergo, no sacrifice was sacrifice because it was self-serving in that she was indirectly affirming herself. She was being good, look, see... bravo!

*~*

I've wondered many times if having a sense of responsibility generally comes with being the eldest. And being female.

And certain theories of personality seem to support that idea... attributing a greater sense of responsibility to the eldests, who were generally asked to grow up for their younger sibling/s, thereby also growing up to be more neurotic...

And a sense of responsibility may just be the manifestation of a female's baser longing to be secure... who really can tell.

*~*

Pride has went before many of my falls. Usually, it's the general folly of believing myself exempt from the laws of nature, and human nature... turning a blind eye even when there are already warning signs and sirens ringing...

But sometimes I also wonder, how much of my life has been motivated by false/negative pride?

How much of the good i've done and chosen was done and chosen because I really wanted it for myself, and I really believed it was good... and how much was fuelled by the nasty desire to just look better than other people? To be able to say I was above whatever?

Someone once said that shame and honor are just two sides of the same coin... what about pride? Is it just the other side of dignity and integrity?

And when someone tells you that you're a fake, only doing good to lord it over others... and you hurt... do you hurt because he got it right? or because he was so wrong?

'Orrible!

All I knew was I ate pancakes for breakfast. One pancake actually from a MAYA mixture (with egg), to which I added less than a teaspoon of syrup. (May I just add that we have the same every 3 weeks or so for breakfast, it's all regular fare)

Within 20 minutes, my eyes started getting red and itchy and well... swell-y. I also started getting itchy all over. I also started gasping for breath. I also had to vomit out what I had for breakfast.

And then everything just got worse... even after a 10 mg. Iterax.

As fate would have it, Wednesday found me forcing my cousin to make a decision of bringing Pyro with her to accompany me to the ER. Nobody else was home. I couldn't wait for JRA anymore because I was red-blue in the face already.

It took every ounce of will to live to get dressed and walk the length of our street. I had to squat on the pavement and WILL myself to be able to wait till I get help... while my cousin flagged cab after cab after cab.

It seemed like forever before fate smiled upon me that morning.

Good thing the driver got equally alarmed at how PUFFED and RED I was getting... he drove maniacally!

Good thing too, that MaDocs ER was a little quiet.

The security guard assisted my cousin instead of me (I had the PRESENCE OF MIND and VANITY to don a pair of shades), seeing her carrying a bald tot with a mask on.

Howell.

After 2 drugs (IV), 2 nebulization cycles (which caused tremors the whole day) and some 5 hours of oxygen... I was stable enough to be sent home.

I just missed an anaphylactic shock that could have really spoiled my LIVING plans.

*~*

Doctors and nurses alike coo'd over Pyro, who was slipperless and sockless, and found him too cute for words.

Oh and yeah, they were a fan of Jack-Jack too, which Py happened to be clutching with him to the hospital.

Weirdly enough, he didn't call attention to himself, and didn't show panic.

I had the PRESENCE OF MIND again to ask my cousin to cover his eyes lest he gets traumatized.

*~*

JRA spent the whole Tues night at work. Imagine having me call him at 7:30 AM that Wednesday morning, gasping for breath, telling him he has to bring me to the hospital.

Imagine him being unable to immediately get a cab too... and fearing he can't get to me in time during the long ride from Bicutan to MaDocs...

Talk about a bad morning for my beloved.

And to further demonstrate how stressed and rattled he was... he arrived on the scene, watching me twitch here and there (because my body was panicking and not relaxing enough to let to oxygen do its work), and immediately grabbed my wrist...

HARD

Exactly where the IV needle was (see, in case I don't respond to the drugs, they'd have to inject me some more, and left this needle with some sort of stopper on my right wrist).

I had the PRESENCE OF MIND to slap his arm!

*~*

I was actually CALM inside, while doctors and nurses and interns surrounded my bed. In fact, I was even talkative... always motioning to my cousn to tell the good care givers that I managed to take one lousy antihistamine... that they could call my allergologist if things get really BAD... that am allergic to pain relievers... that it was the first time I got rashes that's not from liquor-intake, etc

I even had the PRESENCE OF MIND to don nice undies (although I kept wondering talaga why nobody at the ER thought to unclasp my brassiere... like duh, that's SOP in giving first aid, esply since I was there not because I looked like Garfield, but because I was like a fish out of sea) in case they have to open my shirt up and revive me using electric gadgets that are no fun...

I even had the PRESENCE OF MIND to tell myself that I'd blog about JRA and the needle thing... OUCH!

*~*

We didn't know just how blessed we were that day.

I was lying in my bed, naked (because I was freshly showered...and till about 10 minutes ago planned to go to work, as usual), coughing as I tried to NOT PANIC and SUMMON chocolates (because I knew I wouldn't eat sugar by the spoonful)...

Pyro's sleep was seemingly disturbed by my coughing...

He started crying... he's been a bawler since he got sick... so there I was, fighting to LIVE...

While aching because for the first time in our lives, I couldn't come to comfort my nephew...

And I couldn't then really shout for my cousin (who was downstairs, in the CR).

I heard footsteps and then I heard my cousin saying soothing words... and Pyro quieted down.

It was only after we've gone home and all... during dinner at that, that we realized that PYRO WENT DOWNSTAIRS ON HIS OWN!

I thought Ate Gang went to him.

Ate Gang thought I brought Pyro down.

When we realized this, we knew how narrowly we missed real tragedy that day.

For Py, cryng and in his PJs, could have easily fallen down the stairs... smack dab into this computer (with table).

Worst case scenario... internal hemorrhaging (like what did Dolphy's 4th child in) for him...

And i'd still have been upstairs, clutching my neck for breath.

And my cousin, bless her, could have lost either or both of us.

Thank heavens for the guardian angel watching over him.

*~*

I was CALM. But because I was groggy, I mistook the 12 o'clock prayer as someone giving someone else his last rites.

And true enough, seeing all doctors and nurses and interns surrounding another bed... and covering it up... I felt pity that someone didn't make it.

That someone turned out ALIVE (still)... and a celebrity to boot. Seems Wycoco had an aneurism or something... (am too lazy to search for updates about his health, sorry).

*~*

Thursday found my a$$ in so much pain.

A visit to my allergologist resulted in:
1) a change in prescription (seems i didn't need the steroids offered by Claricort)
2) a schedule of desensitization treatments (to last for 3-5 months, and cover 8 allergens... which will hopefully protect me for 3 years) next year (which basically means more injections)
3) knowledge that am the 10th case my doctor has met who got allergic reactions from eating pancakes... and that it could be because the mix was contaminated, by either a bug or a tear in the packaging (which can only ba FATAL to people like me, as proven by my entire household who ate the same thing that morning)
4) a strict change in diet to follow for a month
5) Globulin (antibodies) shots on my dorsogluteal (PIGE) that's still sore till now
6) an emergency kit prescription

It's allergy season for me, based from my skin allergy test (based on the aero-allergens and perennials)... and with the wedding stress, my allergologist wasn't surprised my immune system was DOWN... thus, the exaggerated hypersensitivity. Thus, the need to boost my immune system, if only for the next 3 months.

Anyway, fellow sufferers from allergic rhinitis, and drug and food allergies... am not advising you get all the treatments, tests am getting. But it would be wise to discuss them with your doctor, and let yourself have options...

The skin test, for example, can at least show you which food/allergens can combine and connive to bring about a rhinitis episode... and which things to avoid when you're desperately trying NOT TO GET SICK...

The antibodies shot, on the other hand, can offer relief for those who break out in hives/rashes when cold season is upon us (and seemingly for no other reason, and the rashes appear usually a night).

The emergency kit is actually just an Adrenaline/Epinephrine ampule and syringe/needle... but you'd need someone who can CORRECTLY get .2 cc and inject you with it... Overdose of such COULD BE FATAL. And administration is only justified when the patient is having trouble breathing.

Angioedema (rashes and swelling of eyes) isn't enough. But when air passages constrict, then it really is an emergency!

*~*

I've just consumed half of my intended budget for a new fone on medical bills/expenses.

And my digicam is still broken.

I have every right to feel bad!

And every reason to feel blessed.

I hated it.

Ooohhh... I was realistic about not everything being included in the movie (otherwise it's going to require some 3 movies!) and things being tweaked a little to make the movie able to stand on its own (as a movie that's part of a series).

But wtf were they thinking, messing up with Dumbledore's character?

Argghh...

Where was his calm, his quiet command of people's respect and attention?

Why was he violent and agitated and twitchy like a ferret?

Grrr...

And because Dumbledore is such a large part of Harry Potter...and seeing him portrayed like that... I hated the movie.

I'd have been able to forgive the fact that Mad Eye was porky, or that Madame Maxime was not... or that there was no reference to the Triwizard winnings (crucial to the Weasley twins' confidence in the next book to leave Hogwarts).. or there was no Molly Weasley anywhere... or that Harry worked the Gryffindor common room with his egg... or that Hermione seemed flighty... or the lack of information as to why Ron, Hermione and Cho were put to sleep under the lake... or that both Cho and Fleur disappointed where looks are concerned... etc

But Dumbledore acting like he was Mad Eye... grrr talaga!!!!

aside: the writers and director seemed to be in love with the Weasley twins however, giving them additional lines and tricks to do in the movie...

But ok... Ralph Fiennes was PERFECT. He oozed madness and charm and his voice was just right.

The woman who played Rita Skeeter was also delightful.

Howell...

re-read the GoF book before watching the movie. Also finished re-reading HBP.

For more nitpicking, click here.

You know how girls, esply if they're expecting nookie, would make sure they coordinate their undies (like both color black, or coordinates talaga)?

I've never been one of them.

Weirdly enough, I coordinate the color of my undies depending on what color my top/skirt/pants is. Sure, i'd sometimes be wearing black panties and brassiere... but mostly my panties and bra don't match. And because I wear thongs to avoid panty lines and not to make myself feel sexy, I usually wear cotton boyleg undies with jeans.

And banking on the truth that guys don't really care if your undies match (though yes, it's nicer to look at if they match), my undies seldom match even when I am expecting to get laid.

Good thing though that most of my undies have shades of pink, or are red, or black.

But yet another reason for the mismatch is my slightly bigger nips than the average Jane's. That, coupled with the fact that I don't care for heavily padded bras and scared of Nipless, means that I spend a lot of time matching bra with the top I want to wear.

So even if I intended to wear matching undies... i'd sometimes end with a red bra even if I had black panties on, just so I can wear the top I want.

So yes, there'd be discarded outfits and bras on my bed before I am thru dressing up.

*~*

"
maybe i fell in love by chance? my mind tells me dat i dont have a chance, my heart tells me dat its never felt dis way b4 and dat it wont get another chance

- text message from someone, 08 Oct 2000

Mind you, nothing happened between us. But I was sooo kilig with this text. And I liked this guy very much. One of those i'd always hold dear in my heart because in a way, everything was perfect with us. Maybe because nothing happened and we didn't reach a point where we'd have to really hurt each other.

He's sweet and intelligent and nice-looking and charming and attentive and thoughtful. Gave me white chocolate the first time we met.

He was also a lot younger than I was... 19 years old when I just turned 23.

Last I heard, he's happy as a lark with his girlfriend.

(and yes Ayma, you know him)

*~*

ALL BECAUSE YOU KISSED ME GOODNIGHT
(author unknown)


i climbed the door and opened the stairs
said my pyjamas and put on my prayers
i turned off the bed and crawled into light
all because you kissed me goodnight

next morning i woke, scrambled the shoes and polished the eggs
toasted the news ansd read the bread
i couldn't tell my left from right
all because you kissed me goodnight

that evening at last i'm my normal self again
so i picked my mom and called the phone
spoke to my puppy and threw dad a bone
even at midnight the sun is still shining bright
all because you kissed me goodnight.

can't remember when i was this kilig... buckling knees and all... o high school days and college days, and every windang phase since...

*~*

Ngapz, if you got time... read how i am a Manila Girl

Am sure a lot of people have heard already that there is such a thing as a Make-A-Wish Foundation. And I know there is a Philippine counterpart to this American original.

Mainly, we'd catch features of kids with cancer who have always dreamed to go to Disneyland, or a beach, or the zoo... and the foundation realizes such dreams for them.

Usually, big time companies and celebrities would honor and sponsor such requests too, bringing joy to a sick person's life.

Anyway, not many would know that Hortaleza Beauty Center (HBC) has given the phrase Make-A-Wish a slightly new meaning...

My friend Carol, who works at their HR, goes through dozens of letters monthly... letters from HBC employees who have a wish they want fulfilled. HBC's management has been gracious enough to allot funds for around 3 wishes to be granted monthly. My friend says it's usually a request for computers, be it for a younger sister or a cousin or a nephew. Otehr requests include fine dining for the whole family.

Not necessarily grand, expensive things, yes... but HBC's heart is certainly in the right place, opting to make their employees just a little happier. True, if they could extend help to others, why not to the people who move them?

Hopefully, other companies would follow suit.

*~*

Meanwhile, I have three important wishes for today.

First, may God grant my friend Laura some solace today, her late husband's first death anniversary, and that may she continue living and loving just as passionately.

Second, may my friend Allee recover from her operation without complications. She's been in the OR all morning and it's hard not to be worried for her and her new husband, Jay.

Third, may Pyro's check-up yield good tidings of positive reaction to his chemo treatment... and that his heart, kidneys and liver stay strong to fight for his lung.

Last week saw me getting a pedicure, and then my hair relaxed.

I also got my first body scrub.

It was kinky and sensual and a trifle painful, kaloka!

First, there was the shower. Then came time in a steam bath where I was given runny honey to lather onto my body.

Who knew honey all over could prove soooo titillating? I didn't want my time there to end! I was so enjoying just touching myself all over (and no, not in a masturbating kind of way), tasting some of the honey in my mouth, feeling cleansed and rejuvenated and sinful.

(commercial: honey on your privates isn't encouraged because the sugar will just invite bacteria)

Then came the sea salt body scrub. OUCH. I was sore in places and wondered if I could ever do it again. I was also feeling self-conscious because I was naked and the attendant scrubbed even my singit.

When she was around my chest area, I was even covering my nipples! Bwahahaha... but I let go when the attendant started scrubbing my neck because I was ticklish!

And dang cold too!

Weirdly enough, I felt like this freshly-scrubbed little girl after.

Is my skin softer? No one could say, because it's always been softer than theirs.

Howell...

*~*

Got dry massage too, day after that!

*~*

Do find time to visit blogkadahan for we're talking about CULTURE. Different kinds of culture from people from different parts of the world with different perspectives :)

I've been wondering lately if I have such a thing.

Because sure, there is this calling to always be the sensual, naughty, SPO person that I am.

And sure, there have been many times when I wanted to initiate men to the wonders of the female form... and because I used the word initiate, yes, i mean young boys (but i don't mean total teeners).

And sure, I want certain men to never forget the delights I have had them experience with me... how I let them explore me and own me and mark me.

Nor how I, in turn, made them my sex slave by demanding from them, by challenging them, by making them feel like a sexual god.

I also sometimes wish I have more of me to share with other men... to chastise them for thinking that they've had it great, to challenge their beliefs that they're any good, to educate them to the minute differences of pleasuring a woman and being one with a woman.

And there's all these other guys i've exchanged naughty conversations with... and guys i've almost had encounters with (if only I wasn't so easily hassled, and didn't take hassles as a sign to not continue)... who deem me as the best sex they never had...

Yes, there's that part of me that really wants to 'spread the love' only it's really spreading the "perfect sexual experience"...

But alas, eventhough I feel i'd make a wonderful (if not legendary) courtesan... motherhood has always been my higher calling.

And wifehood.

I cannot deny the woman that I am but I also will not deny the woman I intend to become.

And besides, I never really like bedding just anyone.

So baka nga hindi inner-whore.

Inner-sex goddess lang.

Was absent from work since Wednesday.

Wednesday, I was just too sick to go to work because of allergies aggravated by the government's austerity measures (turning the a/c on and off at certain times to 'save' on electricity).

Thursday, Pyro got re-admitted for his chemo treatment.

Friday, I was just too exhausted.

Saturday, attended a wedding.

Sunday, relieved cousin in the hospital.

Monday, attended a healing rally by Father Corsie for Pyro.

*~*

A guy privately messages me in MTC:

"HI, i'm arthur, from laguna
age 30. married with 3 kids. looking for fun.

how about you?"

I reply:

"Oh yeah? Maybe you should take your kids to Avilon Zoo"

:D

*~*

Speaking of which, I did go to Avilon Zoo just recently.

*~*

Shameless promotion:

My friend is selling Bag Charms for P250 each. Contact her at bead_dazzled101 @ yahoo.com :)

know what
i know we're just friends
and i know am more unavailable right now because i am getting married
and i know you're going thru a lot because you've recently been heartbroken
and i know you have other things that keep you busy
and i know that nothing i can do can really cheer you up
or make you feel better
and i know am not the one you want nor need
and i know you mostly keep quiet about things that hurt or bother you

but knowing all those things still don't stop me from getting hurt or upset
when i don't hear from you
i think i've really, really grown attached to our routine....
the usual reminders to eat or sleep
the assured companionship
and i guess it doesn't help
that although i've mostly been in love with other guys
you're the one who have been a constant fixture in my life
so yes, you were the man in my life
and i've grown accustomed to being the girl in yours
so even in the times that am the one preoccupied with other things
i miss the usual treatment from you
yes, how unfair and irrational

and i guess this is something i shouldn't resist
the changes in our friendship
and i guess it's always hard saying goodbye
even if it's not really a goodbye

anyway, i just really hope you grow to be more actively passionate
for those you care about
same way that i hope our friendship will continue to blossom
and afford us a harbor
in times that we'd need one
and you shall forever remain very important and precious to me
same way that i believe i am to you

and wouldn't it be nice if our kids ended up as friends too?

My birthday last week resulted in really great gifts :)

My sister knew i've been wanting a green bag for the green shoes I want to buy. Well, I still have yet to see green shoes I really like. But I love the bag and appreciate the fact that Rez wanted to give me something more special for my birthday, it being the last birthday i'll have as a single woman. Before, she used to just give me white chocolates.

In preparation for my digicam upgrade, JRA bought me this from HK. I guess it's really going to be a conjugal property, but it still tickles me pink to be suddenly having all these gadgets. And it makes me feel closer to my dream cam :D

Yes, I still have yet to learn to use the shooting modes in my cam but...

Speaking of gadgets, this one i've been really loving ever since I got it. It's not an IPod but I don't really care. It's 512 mb of music and mostly, it contains Dawson's Creek songs and dance hits from the 90s. When am feeling sleepless or travelling long hours to Quezon Ave, it's what keeps me company.

And JRA was thoughtful enough to include 12 GP batteries that last for 12 hours each. *Happiness*

But of course, the favorite gift is this Anna Sui perfume :) It's vanilla scent is sooo sweet and sooo fresh and mild. The instruction is to wear this scent on my wedding day :)

Unfortunately for me (who still has several bottles of different vanilla perfumes/colognes), it works so well with my pheromones that I become more attractive to insects. Ahehe.

*~*

By the way, I got the 7 cakes before my birthday, and got another cake on the day of my birthday.

I wouldn't post the remaing four anymore because visitors have been getting diabetes just by looking at the pics :D

*~*

Sunday before my birthday, had college barkada have dinner at my home. We were missing one in the peer group but we still had lost of fun catching up with each other and reminsicing about what things we used to crazily do (like cook 10 pancit cantons for us 5, and then let them make me eat half of it because the otehr two would eat crackers instead).

It was like we're that young again... falling easily into former roles and laughing just as easily at each other's jokes.

I sooo love ABWB :)

Allee, Jerry, Me and Bhing

*~*

I've decided to take control and be a little happier here again. The thing I didn't want to do (create a separate blog just for Py) seemed the wiser thing to do now. I want some sort of separation from the pain Py's sickness is bringing into our lives to the other aspects of my life.

I also think it's better if I document the ups and downs of his confinement, his struggle, his fight in a separate blog where others may even learn... or get support for their own troubles.

IN TIMES OF PAIN, writing has always given me some solace.

One can always contend that one is never without the capacity to do something.

But I sure feel helpless right now.

Helpless because I'm in the office and was not the one who talked to Pyro's doctor and was not able to grill him with questions.

Helpless because the lab and the doctors at PCMC have been on Pyro's case for a week now and all we can get are "initial findings", sometimes giving us hope (yesterday, negative biopsy findings, possible tuberculoma), sometimes making us feel hopeless (today, malignant tumor).

Helpless because the dang DOH site and Philippine Cancer Society couldn't be bothered to really update their websites with more current information and statistics.

Helpless because if it's really lung cancer, I have yet to find a site in the internet that will tell me it's NOT the Number 1 Cancer killer all over the world, and we've already been in limbo for ten days, we may be running out of precious time.

Helpless because I can't find any articles about lung cancer in children that seem to answer my questions, except they all say that second-hand smoking is the usual cause (aside from asbestos inhalation).

And I wonder, IF it's really lung cancer, could it be possible that all this is the result of his mother being a 2ndhand smoker because she used to frequent bars as a singer in a band... well into her pregnancy?

My colleagues at work tell me they're impressed (or confused) with my seemingly COOL and CALM attitude towards this... but am so very far from that.

All I know right now is that Pyro is a child we love very much.

just the other week
i was
watching you go about
your merry antics
singing along with the TV
singing "happy birthday" to me
amazed
as always
that you're brimming with
life
and mirth
and yet scared
envisioning
skinned knees soon
or possible bullying
at school
for you

we both missed your
godfather badly
and when he came
and we were hugging
you so adorably tried
to take his attention
away from me
but was gracious enough
to settle for
hugging his leg
instead
and of course
we found you cute
and i gave way for him
to gather you in his arms
and hold me
another time

weirdly enough
you taking his attention
from me
endears him more to me
and you, clamoring to
tell him stories
and make "lambing"
makes me all the more
in love with you
and makes us look forward
some more
to having kids like you
you
a bundle of drool
and snot and grime
and icky poo

but then
it's always taken just
a smile from you
or hearing you
call our name
(in that sweet, sweet voice
of yours
that bodes of naughty things
to come)
for our trifle worries to
evaporate
for fatigue and stress to go away
and for us to
remember
there are far greater things
that move this world

and now i hope
you'd live long enough
to understand
how painful the past days
have been for us
watching you cry
seeing you scared
gritting our teeth
as we suffer the look
of betrayal in your eyes
when we pin you down to beds
to be poked and prodded
and needled and marked
make no mistake
dearest
we'd spare you from pain
if we could
oh, if only
we could

we know
you're braver and far more
resilient
than the average child
someday, we hope you'd
understand
without having to go through
the same
and in the meantime
stay as sweet
and brave as you are
the worst is yet to come, Py
but help is on its way
and family, friends
and strangers alike
are praying so you can
go home soon

with a wish that the next time
you return to a hospital
will be to welcome
your own firstborn

- Poem for Py, 06 Oct 2005

*~*

And so the clock ticks slowly for us as we await the biopsy results. Bloody fluid in his lungs suggests real darkness ahead but we cannot be without HOPE.

He's started medication for primary complex... and he's still a demanding little fellow who pollutes his surroundings with the noise from his chicken key chain.

Yesterday, he asked me to leave my "baby" with him. It's a small crawling baby (half of a thumb) I got from a friend in college that i've always had with me.

And again, I'd like to thank those who have been praying with us.

*~*

Aside:

My horrible love affair with rats is getting freakier. Coming from the hospital last Thursday night, I entered our compound with my family. A street rat seemed to have been going thru our neighbor's garbage can and was surprised by us so it rushed headlong onto us... or should I say, me.

Surprised and terrified of them as always, I lost my balance and managed to twist my right ankle... and lost my balance again to come crashing down on my already bad leg. My dad would have laughed (imagine getting into an accident when am just two doors from our home?) if he wasn't so worried to see his firstborn sprawled on the ground, unable to stand up.

I missed work again last Friday, being unable to walk. Saturday, I could limp very well.

Yesterday ended with my brother and I missing work, and my sister missing school. The talk with Pyro's pedia proved devastating and I can't help but thank the heavens that Py was asleep and didn't see us break down and cry.

It's just all the frutration and fear and worry and concern and pity for someone so young to find himself in such a situation.

And again, I find myself wondering how his pedia could have missed this, when Py's breath sounds differ so for each lung. There's also this basic flicking thing you can do on a kid's back to check for any congestion. A clear lung has a totally distinct sound (more hollow, echoing one). But we're past finding someone to blame. At least my hipag will finally allow us to get another pediatrician for Py once all these has passed.

But the worst is yet to come... for him, for all of us. 2 hospitals and 4 days into this crisis, we know that life will be harder and sadder once Py undergoes all the treatments necessary for him to recover his health.

And because there was some miscommunication, our transfer from Metropolitan Hospital to PCMC yesterday was anything but smooth. (six hours at the ER!)

And in the midst of the emotional and physical exhaustion, I appeal to the attending nurse at the ER for a doctor, because Pyro seemed feverish.

She sternly called my attention to the fact that one child just had cardiac arrest and was being revived by the doctors... and so many other babies were either lying in beds/cots or taking comfort in their mother's arms... also unattended.

Most of them also with fever.

And I had to silence a petulant "But I love Pyro!" voice in my head... and managed to feel sufficinetly chastised and slightly ashamed.

For in the great scheme of things, Pyro's health (life) is no more or less important than the other babies'. And most of the babies there were actually just infants, some premature and awaiting their chance to an incubator or at the ICU... and most came from really poor families where getting an X-ray is something one can only do when they have disposable funds... where parents wait with their young just to be nebulized...

While we have our own nebulizer at home.

Metropolitan said they're not equipped to deal with what's wrong with Pyro... so they directed us to Philippine Children's Medical Center (PCMC) where the experts are.

And because we're PAY Patients, we were led to an anteroom where one can actually sit... and where a child is allowed more than the ONE allowable companion.

And we bridged the length of the ER thankful that we're still blessed, and depressed with the disparity in attention and care.

God blessed us furthermore by allowing me to secure the one last room available in the hospital...

And so, though it breaks my heart to see Pyro sick... I am also reminded that so many others are also sick.

This isn't personal.

I just wish MORE can be given and done for them all.

*~*

Trying times are ahead of us... I can't imagine right now any light, happy post forthcoming.

Though life isn't without JOY... where there is LOVE, there is always JOY.

Still, I want to thank all those who still visit... and i'd understand if others stop because it's depressing in here... and I thank those who offer prayers for strangers like me.

... but it was bad.

Actually, my birthday couldn't have been better... but some things happened that also made me wish it wasn't my birthday.

First, my bestfriend is hurting. And I have no idea how to comfort him. I've gotten used to him being my emo crutch for so long, always looking out after me, always listening to my rants, always assuring me that bad times will pass. And now, i'm not exactly sure how to reach out to him and really help... esply since he seldom volunteers information, especially about personal problems. I'm just so sad that he's sad and am just praying he'd be happy again.

But yes, I assured him am just around... in case he needs me.

He's sweet... he gave me one of my 7 cakes and was the first to greet me HAPPY BIRTHDAY yesterday (apart from JRA of course, who I was still making kulit with at the stroke of midnight).

Second, Pyro is confined at the Metropolitan Hospital right now due to pneumonia. We're hoping he'd respond to antibiotics otherwise they have to do something more drastic.

I don't even want to dwell on the fact that we're all so bothered by this and that i want to change his pediatrician... and his father. I know kids get sick but this one could have been checked early at least.

I'm sure he's going to be ok now. I'm HOPING he's going to be ok. I'm WILLING him to be ok.

And I don't want to cry because my brother and sister have both already shed tears (actually, my brother couldn't stand watching Py get 6 different needles (?) attached to him while pleading "Tama Na Po!"). I don't want to sound OA and melodramatic but we just really love that kid!

Prayers for him will be really appreciated.

Let me see...

I went to kindergarten and prep school. That's one teacher per year (were we fewer then or are kids just more unmanageable now?).

Then Elementary. Let's just say 6 teachers per year (although I think I graduated in 6th grade with more than 8 subjects).

Then High School. Say, 8 teachers per year. Roughly.

Then college. Say another 8 professors per sem.

So generally, a Filipino student goes through 130-150 teachers all in all.

How many of these teachers will actually TOUCH your life? How many will serve as a helping hand when you're at the end of your rope? How many will really inspire you to do great things? How many of them will make you realize how truly beautiful and unique you are?

I remember a lot of teachers.

Teachers who were bullies.
Teachers who played favorites.
Teachers who had humongous boobs.
Teachers who were pushovers.
Teachers who had bad grammar.
The teacher you hit with a flying polvoron.
The teacher your class walked out on.
The teacher who looked like your parrot.
The teacher who can teach very efficiently in both perfect English and perfect Tagalog.
The teacher who gave you another chance.
The teacher you disappointed.
The teacher who hit your palms with a ruler.
The teacher who died of cancer.

But there's only one or two that I really loved, and would be forever grateful for.

Dr. Mancao (forgive me, Ma'am, I have forgotten your first name) was my professor in Theories of Personality in college. She made us write reflection papers for each personality theory studied (how that theory could explain our own personalities). Sometimes tho, we couldn't help but rant in the papers we submit.

You'd love her. She actually reads your paper. Not only does she correct your grammar, she also reacts to your thoughts. With smileys, with questions, with rebuttals, with caring words, with words of wisdom.

When I say something about how feelings can be misleading, she'd remind me that feelings can also be revealing.

When I submit 10 pages of my interpretation of Freud's "goal of life is death" and what I believe "penis envy" really is, she'd be quick to thank me for raising points she has never considered before.

And once, in the midst of adolescent wandering, she wrote this:
LET NOT THE SILENCE OF ANSWERS PULL YOU DOWN

Sigh. I still labor over rhetorical, irrational, stupid, self-serving questions sometimes, Ma'am. There are still moments when I ache for explanations to help me deal with frustrations, with injustices, with pain.

But at least I realized then that I don't always need answers.

I have saved all the papers you made us do. And the wisdowm and grace that has always emanated from you has continued to save me.

*~*

We are preempting Halloween. Join me and my BlogBerks as we swap ghost stories.

*~*

An advance birthday gift that really touched me is getting to be chosen as BLOG OF THE WEEK. So thank you to all those who regularly visit me here, even those who are just after naughty pictures and sensual/sexual tips.

Thanks to PINOYBLOG and the Sassy Lawyer.

I know of a woman who would have made a great mother because she's one of the gentlest souls there is. However, life deemed it best to let her be born without a uterus.

Did she turn out gentle because of that 'incapacity'? Maybe. Or maybe not.

But I still believe she'd have made a great mother.

And yes, because of decisions she's made, and probably some luck, she's living a wonderful life with her husband. They both love kids and adore their nieces and nephews so.

*~*

One other very endearing woman I know is fertile enough. Nothing is wrong with her reproductive system.

But something is not exactly right with her heart... making it very risky for her to get pregnant.

I know she wants kids, and would have also made a wonderfully lukring Mom, and her partner wants her alive.

And yes, she's living a full life.

*~*

There is a woman i've recently 'met'. Nothing was also wrong with her reproductive system. But the son that Life gave her, Life also took away from her. The child died when he was just 2 or 3 yrs. old from some heart ailment.

Imagine the pain of being a mother to someone already dead.

And yes, there was ANGUISH and DESPAIR.

And questions nobody could really answer.

But Life really works in mysterious ways. She's now mothering her adopted 16-year old son wonderfully. The leaps and bounds of caring for a toddler, and then a teenager, is overwhelming enough but the courage to be a mother has always been with her.

And yes, she may forever mourn the son she lost, but Life also goes on for her and her living son.

*~*

One of my best friends was born without a vaginal hole. She found out the hard way... her period couldn't come out so she was getting sick and her belly just kept getting all the more painful. An Ob Gyne guessed right and my friend was operated on.

She led a basically normal life after that. Her Ob Gyne's only request is that she come in for a check-up every year, and that my friend have all the kids she wants by 35.

My friend had to undergo treatment for myoma at age 28 or so.

She got married at age 30.

Now at age 31, she has polycystic ovaries and is generally having trouble conceiving.

*~*

Once upon a time, my boss dabbled in pre-marital sex with her then bf. One hit wonder of wonders, she got pregnant from one mating. She was 18.

They finished college, got their degrees and licenses and got married at age 22.

They later on had 2 more kids (2 boys, 2 consecutive years).

Then last year, they had another girl.

And she's expecting to give birth again May next year. yes, to their 5th child. And she's only 31 years old.

*~*

In fact, 4 of my colleagues became mothers the moment they gave up their virginity.

And one of my colleagues has one child and miscarried 3 times.

*~*

One other bestfriend suddenly found herself being probed and checked by an Ob Gyne. Her period wouldn't stop and it's been a month.

She was diagnosed to have an 8-cm MYOMA. And she was told it's been cramping her 9.5 something cm uterus. She has to have it operated on asap before it could do more damage. True enough, she's been severely anemic these days because the bleeding wouldn't stop. Unless she takes Hemostan like they're multi-vitamins.

It only showed symptoms around 2 months ago.

And I don't know why her operation would be BLOODY (is it like that for cysts?) but she's also taking Iron pills right now. And we've delegated JRA to stand by for blood donation since they're both Type O.

To say am worried for her is putting it mildly. Esply if you put in the fact that she's also prone to allergies and she's an epileptic.

*~*

And there's that odds thing. What are the odds that 2 of my bestfriends would have reproductive health problems?

I went to a new Ob last Saturday. So far, the most I have is mild UTI (i've always been plagued by UTI since childhood anyway) and she says she doesn't feel any mass or whatever at all in my belly.

I also had a pap smear/gram stain done. Awaiting results. We just wanted to be sure since I am on the pill and sexually-active.

*~*

Suddenly, fertility has become a personal issue for me.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Yes, I have also always been open to adoption. But I have always wanted to be a mother.

And adoption before was something generous I can do for some stranger's child, not something i'd HAVE to do just to become a Mom.

But suddenly, it occurred to me, I don't really have an idea if i'd be blessed with 'natural sons and daughters'.

Could I still live gracefully even if I can't conceive? Will I rage?

I know that just because a woman could shouldn't automatically mean she would want to get pregnant. But I can almost taste how awful it could be to have always wanted to be a Mom and be unable to be one.

*~*

And in the midst of all these uncertainties and worries, my respect for adoptive parents was strengthened.

And my gratitude for men who stuck by their wives increased.

And hope springs anew to see marriages thriving despite the lack of kids.

And I'd still always pray that women all over the world lead fuller, richer, more inspiring lives, even if they don't become Mothers (by virtue of choice or circumstance).

And i'd still always be amazed that every child indeed is a blessing... that every pregnancy, a miracle. For even the healthiest of couples sometimes cannot conceive.

And i'd always be grateful that JRA seems to be a man who will make a good father and also a good husband, who will stay in-love with me even if I don't become a 'natural Mom'.

*~*

Life has a greater plan. May I learn to bend to its will more willingly and gracefully indeed.

But if it isn't a tall order... healthy twins would be nice :)

But like most parents, i'd settle for healthy, happy children. Of course.

It was worse last week i think, when wedding stress exacerbated an already bad PMS and birthday blues combination.

Then again, i've always been known to be majorly depressed prior to a birthday, and being poor lately doesn't help.

So yes, it's now just birthday blues and wedding stress. But the hormonal and psychological upheaval resulted to a brainstorm:

Consume 7 birthday cakes before my actual birthday! Yey!!!

Of course, this means additional crunch time at the gym.

And heaven help me, my nephew seems to have gotten the idea that a cake is some sort of staple food... for he goes "Hmmpf, ala nang cake" everytime the fridge door is opened and he peeks in and there's no cake there.

And unfortunately for the household, all I really want is caramel or mocha cake, with sugar flowers.

Notice that the brazo de mercedes suddenly sprouted sugar icing and flowers? That's a tell-tale sign of how much I was pouting one Sunday afternoon, and Becky's has run out of cakes, and even Goldilocks Paco has run out of cakes. And they refused to sell just sugar flowers, so JRA came up with the grand idea of having some on the brazo cake instead. And notice the 3rd cake, how it had more sugar flowers?

(oh yeah, I bought the 1st cake, because I was sad nga)

And before leaving for HK, JRA thought it fitting to leave me with a promise that came in the form of half a caramel cake from Becky's. And one good slice of potato almond crunch from the same bakeshop.

And yes, my sister and cousin are already begging me to quit with the mocha cake frenzy. My sis is asking for a chocolate cake for a change, but all I really like to eat is mocha or caramel, or anything non-fruity or chocolatey. Besides, Pyro prefers caramel and mocha too. He doesn't like chocolate much. (and I don't like Red Ribbon's sugar flowers at all, which is why i've been buying from Goldilocks mostly).

And last night, because Py has been channelling my 'depression' and throwing the tantrums for lack of cake, I bought a round of marble cake from Goldilocks (instead of another mocha cake). Well, I drowned in the butter icing and would never buy it again... but I asked my cousin to just save all the icing they also don't like so we can try using it as spread (something I learned that a colleague does) for bread.

And I think am now ready for a choco mallows cake from Red Ribbon (I just learned recently that Jollibee bought Red Ribbon already, and some believe that's the reason for the 'lower quality' of their cakes... could that be the reason why they wiped out the Choco Walnut Mousse Cake? Hmmpf!). This weekend then.

*~*

Meanwhile, I also made Brownies that people loved!

*~*

I have been putting off writing about something... maybe, next week.

*~*

I'm very interested however with Category 5 Rita implying doom for Texans. And to be honest, although I feel for Americans, I also can't help but be grateful that natural tragedies are hounding them instead of Asia.

I mean, we need the reprieve. November will mark the anniversary of the tragedy in Real and Infanta, Quezon. And December 2005 will be the anniversary of Aceh ghost towns.

Anyway, track Rita's path gere.

One of the abominations i've always had to deal with coming from a middle-income family that's residing in Manila is the fact that, when it rains hard, I have to deal with floods.

Yes, there are the mercenary sidecars waiting at the end of our street, eager to ferry pedestrians to their homes. But the fact that they charge preposterously high for the service offends me.

And there's that fact that even if I was spared from walking the length of our street to our home, I'd still have to dip my feet in flood waters in order to enter our compound.

Unless of course the sidecar driver would carry me.

And yes, we actually have boots at home and I could easily instruct our helper to fetch me and bring me boots. And she could wear boots too. But it's such a hassle to get someone else wet from the rain.

And what if she didn't wear boots, and didn't wash up well... she'd be another one contaminating the house with germs from floodwaters.

Because there are germs!

One upside of the heavy rains is that the humongous, cat-sized rats of our streets have been coming out of their burrows and hiding places, and getting accidentally run over by cars and pedicabs.

But the horrific downside is, you know their mangled, squashed bodies have been contaminating the flood waters.

Yuck.

(When I was younger, our canals weren't this dirty... and it was not this icky. And I can't help but really appreciate JRA for loving me so much, and suffering from several walks through flood himself, just to see me... he, who grew up in BFRV where he never had to deal with such...)

*~*

On a naughtier note, I can't help but remember when I was first dabbling in the arts of carnal pleasure.

Sure, it was fun and pleasurable and all kinds of non-regrettable.

BUT...

I was amazed at how super WET i'd get... how I could literally WET the bed with my 'natural lubricant' (my PJ). It was horrible to see huge spots of wetness resulting to me and my partner contorting our bodies to avoid those dang wet spots while resting.

It always felt like I peed. Ugh.

And it took a long time before I was able to embrace that aspect of my sexuality, and even be grateful that I need not resort to using KY jellies and the like to ensure I won't get utterly sore after.

And I'd also like to thank the men who have shared my bed (all 437 of them... nyahaha, joke!) who didn't get turned off and who assured me in all the times I wasn't comfortable yet with my wetness.

*~*

I look forward to really enjoying my bed this weekend. Finally, I can sleep till 12 again!!!

Of course, being Pinoy, i prayed hard that Manny Pacquiao will win. And he did!!! And I was envious of all the SM Cinemagoers who cheered together for him. Next time, i'd shell out the P200 for this communal gathering of supporters for someone who continues to give hope (if not entertainment) to the Filipino people.

Add the fact that i've always liked Manny for remaining a simple man...

And thank heavens he made sure to wear Darlington socks to the match! :D

*~*

I didn't text to vote for Franzen to stay (and what, invite all those unwanted text promos Smart sends to its subscribers and then automatically deducts from your load? They can deny this abusive marketing strategy all they want but they can never fool me!) but I was really hoping he would.

And if the stats ABS-CBN showed were true... 79% of the voters voted for him to stay!!!

And yes, am a Pinoy Big Brother fan .

It's just fun to see non-actors entertain you with the superficialities of their lives highlighted and made harder by the fact that they have to live with 11 other strangers in the same house (as opposed to new/current faces posing as 'actors' and 'talented people' giving you mediocre performances and challenging your 'stupidity' tolerance). It's also entertaining to see how typical girls act like typical girls... and how typical boys react typically. La lang.

And yes, they generally don't appear intelligent... but I think it's stupid to assume that they all lack depth too.

My fave is Nene because she's weird. And last nomination round, she alone cast the intelligent vote.

But going back to Franzen, I really hope that this guy, who, so far has remained nice and kind enough, will win in the end.

Am sure he's not milking his poverty and abusing the Filipino's kindness... he IS poor.

And I trust media people to give him offers, even just for sidekick stints, once he leaves the house.

And yes, it was nice somehow to be validated that the Filipino people will come to the rescue of the poor, downtrodden, disadvantaged guy.

*~*

Am not a fan, but of course am hoping MiG Ayesa will win at the Rockstar: INXS contest.

Love his version of "baby i love your way" with Jordis and Marty (his solo version didn't interest me much because i think it's only queen who should be wailing in their songs).

Oh yeah, FEEL FREE TO READ HIS BLOG HERE.

*~*

By the way, hindi lang ako ang delisyus!!!

holding you close in my arms
my face nestled in your neck
breathing that sweet scent
i always seek and long for
i hum the song usually played
in debuts and coming out parties
when a girl is introduced
to society as a lady
and we danced and you just listened
just quietly holding my hand
in yours

and then i set you back
down on the floor
and you continued twirling around
now humming the song
i was singing before
and you looked up, beaming
and i knelt to hug you
full of pride at how easily
you master melodies
and yet filled with sadness somehow
for there's no turning back
our baby is now a little boy

and soon, there won't be Auntie Mec
around everyday
to bring you cake and donuts
and soon, I'd just have to ask
for updates and what you
are currently up to
of course, there will be no goodbyes
i just hope you remain
the sweet, non-temperamental child
i've helped raise
and i hope you'd be a good role model
to future siblings and cousins

and yes,
we loved you first.

- our Pyro is two years and two months old.

Last night, when I arrived home ladden with groceries, he was the first to go over the plastic bags, exclaiming over the noodles and milk.

I wanted to try the Yakisoba Spicy Gambas and was cooking it, and here comes Py with my box of pantiliners... "Tita, luto na to, luto na to!" while trying to put the box on the stove top.

*~*

The other day, I was being overly noisy because we ran out of Nido Powdered Milk, and I was berating my sis for not having our Dad buy me some milk.

Then here comes a tug on my shorts, and Py sets his multi-layered milk container (you know that stackable one you fill w/ milk and bring along with you on trips?) on the dining table for me... and leaves.

*~*

The weird little tyke loved the Spicy Gambas noodles. He also loved Liswik

*~*

At last, a new template that am happy about :)

Meanwhile, i'm addicted to the PINOY AKO (by Orange n Lemons) song, been playing it all day. E-mail me for the mp3...bwahaha. But really, it's nice and easy to the ears.

Parang naglalambing sayo...

Thanks to Sassy for featuring Blogkadahan at Pinoyblog as BLOG OF THE WEEK.

:)

My friends are tackling a more serious topic as they write about things they'd focus on if they were President... of course, they'll probably never even be a public servant, but it's nice to see different people with different backgrounds talk about the things they feel will propel the country into growth and development.

Can you say "OUCH!" ?

My trips to the allergologist at MaDocs has been mostly interesting... where else can you find a 74-year old allergologist who's had cancer for 17 years now and who is walking around with a Total IgE of 2,500 KU/L (the normal level is 25).

Yes, I know a lot about his allergies too... like how he can't even eat rice...

And yes, I was kinda baffled and wary before if he could really do something for me.

As it happened, I now know that my IgE is 125.

And because of the blasted skin test I took this afternoon, I now have a clearer view of what triggers my allergic rhinitis when I go to provinces.

In fact, I even had a mild throat and facial irritation because of the skin test.

And now... my arms are still sore. Getting pricked (of sorts) 80 times isn't a nice way to spend an afternoon... by the time the assistant got near my wrist, I was already pinching myself and blowing at the skin nearest my elbow.

And it looks like these reactions to the allergens won't subside till later :(

Or will they be like ant bites and turn dark after?

Wahhhh...

Good thing the doctors (Immunologist and Allergologist) didn't dwell too much on the fact that I also have contact dermamtitis and convinced me to get patch tests. The medical expense is already killing me as it is!

It's enough to know that I can't wear fancy jewelry (even watches) and I have to stay clear of other metal (like belt buckles and hooks and even bag accessories) and I can't get another henna tattoo again (more so, a real tattoo... heck even get my hair dyed).

And i'd have to go back before I give birth someday... to determine what drugs may be used on me (since I get more intense angioedema from drugs).

Heck, i've had 3 visits there in 2 weeks... one more visit and i'd be establishing a peer group w/ the other patients already!

I have been a lot busy lately.

Anyway, one realization/affirmation that has been tickling me all kinds of pink is the fact that my breasts are nice...

And unlike other women, they're generally the same size... I won't ever have to have a gown made where one breast would require an extra pad.

And they're generally in front, and perky still (am turning 28 na) to always suggest a cleavage, even if am not wearing a bra.

As opposed to some women who may have larger breasts than I ever will, but whose breasts always hope to rejoin their armpits once freed from the trappings of a brassiere.

Oooohh, I sometimes can't wait to be pregnant or lactating... because I swear, no matter how rhino-like in size i'd be, i'd be strutting around in tube tops!!!

hail to my wonderful, beautiful, non-droopy breasts!!! may they continue to defy gravity just a little bit longer!

Tagged by anicee

TWENTY YEARS AGO I'd have been 7 years old, turning 8. I was still studying at Regis Grace Montessori, still fighting with Joseph, still crushing on Al Rashid Timbayan and best friends with Louise Bell Tecson.

I haven't started keeping a diary then... and we're still living in Bicutan, and there are these parks that allow kids to play merrily until their parents/yayas shout at them to go home.

My school jeep's conductor is Eloy, and we used to tease him to my cousin. :)

FIFTEEN YEARS AGO I'd have been in first year HS by then... I-9 and still hanging out with the Jerks Troop. I think am seatmates with Jhing, and Bench stationery was the fad, and it's 3 months before I lose my beloved Grandma.

I've already discovered Sweet Dreams pocketbooks by this time... and Pam has introduced P.S. I Love you to me already... and a girl in my batch has already been possessed by some white lady. I was also 5 months away from having this humongous crush on a Francis Oliver Labonete (heaven help me, am posting all these names, hopefully they're all still cute and nice) and several months away from buying my first album.

Yes, it's the Humanap Ka ng Panget album :) And my diary then is filled with stories of games I still play with the neighborhood kids, and stories of all these guys interesting me... or interested in me.

TEN YEARS AGO Arrgh, 1995 was the year I turned 18. August 1995 would mean am already hanging out with ABWB, and Patti's still with us. Not sure if Allee and I have already discovered Intramuros by then... am several months away from meeting my first real love, and joining the NGO i'd be serving for years.

I've already been friends with Icel then for 4 years... and my first boyfriend has already impregnated the girl he two-timed me with.

I've also moved on to Stephen King by this time, and yes, my academic life was a breeze.

FIVE YEARS AGO 2000 -- the year after my annus horribilis... the year I'd also be so self-destructuctive, it's a wonder I met JRA. But by this time, i've also already broken up with him, and was adiktus to Pinoyexchange.Com :)

I'm hanging out with friends at Blazing cafe near TUP, and playing HalfLife (?) and Counterstrike with them. I was also addicted to chatting, and J***m was still in love with me.

I was still taking masteral units by then, bored with some of my profs. And i'd say this was the time I began to really be friends with Tere and Bheng, something that couldn't happen back in college.

THREE YEARS AGO 2002... I was in this weird relationship with JRA, we're not going steady but he continues to be part of my life. I was also very much in Love with Anche then.

Other than that, I've already been to Boracay by this time... and has already starting exploring the wonders Philippines has to offer.

LAST YEAR I was stil a psychological wreck...but with more urge to really tweak the direction I've been on. I think August was the month I first climbed a mountain in Baguio.

I also got proposed to, and the perfection of the proposal couldn't help but result to a YES.

THIS YEAR Parents migrated :( But will also get married so sige lang :) Pero... move out of the house din!

NEXT YEAR Sky dive, bungee jump, parasail and white water raft! Basta, enjoy life all the more with someone who I love more than life itself. :)

TEN YEARS FROM NOW Planning my 10th Wedding anniversary, and panicking over how i'd fit into the same gown for Renewal of Vows :D

Also, a harassed but happy mother of 3, and still a very bewitching wife to my hubby.

WHO I WISHED WOULD TAKE THESE QUESTIONS: in case they have time and energy - Jeanny, Pazette, Tito Rolly and Mari.

My cousin was telling another cousin of mine how she used to be class secretary all her elementary and high school days... with her classmates still sending with her their notebooks for her to copy notes for them. But she loved it! One, it's mostly the guys she has some minor crush on that would ask her for this favor, another is that she gets free meryenda as bribe, and the real reason: she just loves to write.

As in really love to write, even if she's writing down the same notes (or 'lectures') notebook after notebook, even trying to experiment on her handwriting in an attempt to fool teachers when they check the students' notebooks.

Which made me remember how I used to have classmates who can fill blackboard upon blackboard with notes, and we'd still have to beg her not to erase a board yet because we seldom caught up with her! Imagine writing on a board for entire periods! Heck, just the idea of chalk flying makes me want to gag (and it usually did during my short teaching stint).

Wherever you guys are, Kathryn and Roma, I salute you!

*~*

My sister was at the computer till past 3 am, doing her part in their group project. She used to suffer so from one classmate who made it her life's purpose not to contribute. Well, my sister is kind.

During my day, my classmates always knew that in group projects, even if I seldom accepted the leader role, I still expected everyone to contribute. Or else, their name/s won't appear on that cover page. My sense of justice has always been strong, even in childhood... that I even remove a classmate's seat if she didn't help out when it's our row's turn to clean classrooms. Teachers are usually left without a choice but to punish a classmate because i've made it sure the irresponsibility is made known to everyone. Yes, I was that confrontational sometimes.

And no, I wasn't a bully. I didn't make classmates clean for me, or do things for me (except draw probably, and I didn't have to bully people to do that!). I just absolutely abhorred free riders (?).

Di ba nga, I even convinced 4 other girls back in Grade 1 to join me and gang up on Joseph, this particularly naughty, bad kid... and the teacher then was stupefied with my defiance when asked why beat up a kid. And yes, we were all in Grade 1 then, and that boy never gave us girls trouble again (I actually cannot remember anymore what he used to do, but am sure it was nasty to elicit such violence from me, bwahaha).

And yes, am one of those who'd really rather work alone because I just hate having to ask people to give equally, if not in brains, at least in effort. And when college came, the 2 slackers in my barkada knew well enough not to ask me to pick up their slack... so we essentially got good grades together because the 3 of us kept them on their toes. And my wonderful professor, Dr. Mancao, was wise enough to know that in group projects, not everyone really give equally, so after the group oral defense, she'd also ask us questions individually so she could grade us separately. (ohhh.. i love that prof, she gave the most wonderful exam I ever took in my life... gave us ten scenarios a week in advance, asked us to think of at least 2 personality theories at play for each scenario... then she talked to us one-on-one to ask us to defend her 2 chosen scenarios... nobody knew which one she'd pick to have explained and it was a challenge convincing her, i loved it!!!)

So, anyway, I never really had a problem with group projects.

*~*

But I had this enabling thing that was bad.

I loved writing book reports.

I used to write book reports and novels for neighbors, my cousins, their friends and their girlfriends. It was such a thrill for it was like meeting a new friend! That was how I met Sidney Sheldon, Stephen King, Judth Viorst and other inspirational writers. And my friends would even ask me to write the report as simply as possible and not include high-falutin' words so that their teachers won't suspect anything amiss.

*~*

let me end this post with this really nice inspirational thing I got from an e-mail:

QUALITY OF LIFE

A group of working adults got together to visit their former university professor. The professor was pleased to see them, and after the students' chats about the old days and reminiscing were over, their conversation turned into complaints about their stresses in work and life.

The professor said nothing, he just smiled and went in his kitchen and brought back an assortment of cups on a tray - some were fine porcelain, some plastic, some glass, some plain-looking and some rather expensive and exquisite. He then asked if his former students were thirsty, and offered them the cups to get iced water for themselves.

When each student had a cup in hand, filled with iced water, the professor spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups have been taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ordinary ones on the tray. While it is usual that you will only want the best for yourselves, that is the main source of your problems and stress... What all you really wanted was water, not the cup - but you unconsciously went for the better looking cups."

A silence followed, as the students digested this. The professor continued, "This is just like in life....If Life is water, then your jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are merely tools to hold and maintain life, but they will hardly change the intrinsic quality of Life. If we focus only on the cup, then we won't have time to taste and enjoy the water in it!"

"And also remember this: A RICH person is one who has a lot, while a HAPPY person is one who does not want a lot....The choice of which type of person you want to be is your own."

And the students thus got their most important lesson in life from their wise old teacher.

when you lose control
and you have no soul
it's tragedy

It was only last night that I learned part of that song's lyrics. For the most part of my adult life, I only know when to belt out the word TRAGEDY, and that's it.

Anyway...

I lost control. Or rather, I gave up control.

In the process, did I manage to sell my soul to the devil?

Maybe.

I know i'd always be more than my faults and my self-destructive tendencies. But I also know that scars, even emotional ones, will be lasting reminders of where and how hard i've fallen.

And I guess, I have to live with all that. And my family will have to live with that. And everybody else who makes the choice to love me will have to live with all that.

I was brave last night. I don't feel clean but the bravery cleansed me. And no, am not talking about really dark secrets only now disclosed, although they're hideous and hurtful just the same. It's not even what i've kept secret that really matters... but how much keeping them has affected my life.

Another fave quote from TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL, I believe, goes something like this:

Secrets are a funny thing. The more you try to protect them, the more you have to pretend that you have them to hide. And the more you have to keep people away lest they discover them.

It took last night for me to start forgiving myself for being an 18-year old once. Whew!

Buti na lang some quote also goes like this:

If you love something enough, its secret will be known to you.

And JRA loves me more than enough.

*~*

Anche (wherever you are), once upon a time, when I was wondering out loud if I was able to save the best of me for my future husband, you told me to stop wondering but to actually save the best of me. You reminded me that it's something you do, not something that just happens.

And i'm glad to say, i've saved the best of MEc.

*~*

The trials do not end here. But the tragedy does.

*~*

Commercial (comedy?):
Pyro has this toy convertible car. With him being very talkative, we usually find ourselves asking him questions and stuff, to which he spins tales. So 'Te Gang asked him who's riding his toy car, he immediately replied, "Papa, Mama, ikaw, Ninang, Tita Mec."

'Te Gang asked again, "Eh ikaw?"

Pyro replied, "Wala. Hindi Kasya."

*~*

Back to tragedy, here's a link to an old, disturbing, tragic news.

*~*

In my quest for better health, I made a new friend.

*~*

Happy weekend guys!

i've always loved that TV series... until their schedule got jumbled and conflicted with the TV programs liked by the other members of the household. Too bad, Roma Downey (?) also went through a bad divorce.

That was where I first encountered Maya Angelou, and fell in love with a poem she wrote, the episode then was about someone dying from AIDS, that someone being estranged from his family or something...

the poem goes:

Touched By An Angel
By Maya Angelou

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

Despite my Psych degree, i'm always left amazed at established patterns people live... and how grace always plays a bigger part in one's life. And how courage determines whether one's life will end on a period or an exclamation point.

Well, I need to be brave tonight, more than ever. I have everything to lose, and everything to gain. What a weird place to find oneself in...

The die is cast. I'm just trying to console myself that, in case I end up losing everything, I could start again with nothing, and much wiser now.

And just like my favorite line from the TV series goes:
"Nobody said it's going to be easy, but it's going to be worthwhile."

For what it's worth, at least I can say, I TRULY LOVED, THEREFORE, I WAS BRAVE.

raped, beaten up and left for dead in some damp place... but I looked like it when my sis and JRA took pictures of me with my very puffed eyes (so swollen I couldn't see for a time).

Honestly, I looked like a corpse on the verge of rotting, not unlike some of those creepy news pictures we see of criminals or murder victims on some cold slab at the morgue...

All because I ingested a medicine I was hypersensitive to...

Which ruined a very good Hizon's dinner.

And which resulted to me missing the conference I painstakingly organized (actually, I only missed the 1st day... yesterday saw me attend the conference wearing shades... and I missed the port tour today because I set my alarm clock at the wrong time).

Worse, I was headstrong enough not to land myself in the ER last Sunday, despite the allergy making me cough due to itchy/constricted-feeling throat...

But had to spend 3 hours in the ER just the same last Monday... because Claritin alone couldn't bring back my face/eyes to the way it's supposed to be.

And lest anyone decides to kill me with the OTC medicine, I deem it wise not to name it here...

But heaven help me, i'd really have to create a profile of things am allergic to.

*~*

On a sadder note... and weirdly enough, nothing makes you feel as helpless as knowing you've hurt the one who loves you the most... because you were selfish and stupid and acted as though you're above the usual laws on loving...

And though I don't deserve this chance, I'm really hoping that our love is greater than all our faults (past, present and future).

*~*

My boss, to make me feel better, hs been feeding me chunky choco chips all morning.

i think it's been two weeks since i last saw the sun shine.

not that i see much of the sun actually, being at work most days of the week... and just languishing in the comforts of my bed on weekends.

still, it seems the sun hasn't shone for a straight two weeks now.

and being on leave tom, i stayed behind to tidy up some loose ends and compose my 'love letters' to my colleagues (tasks they should do because i'd be away tom)...

and now, i can't get out of the office

make that, the building

the rain is bad enough... but the wind (and thw windchill factor) is quadrupled when you;re near the bay area... i tried to brave the weather but alas... it seemed i'd be catapulted to the office parking lot... and my feet are sliding of the sandals am wearing, making things more complicated

and now, am sporting a headache from having been so thoroughly wet and ravaged

and not in the kinky ways i would have liked

tsk

how to go home... ?

*~*

what's worse... my nerves froze some with the sudden cold/wetness (?) because i got my back, neck and head massaged during lunch hour.

*~*

wonder if my neon yellow bag is dry now

*~*

happiness though... i smelled the smell that makes me actually fall in love/lust with myself again... yesterday... the last time i remember smelling like that was 2 years ago... when the closest description that comes to mind is "amoy pinipig" even though i don't really smell like pop rice

*~*

now am thinking of changing in my shorts and trek shoes... but how do i go home looking sporty, and carrying a very girly-lady tote? i wish i have a knapsack here with me... so i can do a to-hell-with-the-rain thing and just get as wet as it would have me...

tsk

*~*

am so preoccupied with so many things (heck, am actually being productive at work!) that the rain hasn't had its usual effect on me *ehem*

*~*

ate caramel cake last night. and today. i wonder why caramel has even rid me of my obssession with WC... it's just always caramel cake or caramel sundae...

*~*

bwahahaha... yes, am still trying to lose weight

*~*

rain, rain
go away
or at least, allow me to go home naman
am hella hungry na!