3:07 PM Tuesday, June 07, 2005

For around two years now, i've been feeling the ghost of stagnation hovering above me, where work is concerned.

I'm just not productive anymore.

And I don't really like most of my bosses anymore, where work is concerned.

And the bureaucracy has finally become something I cannot tolerate. And so I'd go to work, performing my assigned tasks without gusto... knowing that half of them will go to waste because reports and whatever will be unutilized by the crocodiles and vultures that run the show...

And so I taught part-time. To destroy the monotony and redundancy that is my career (not that its perks aren't nice, esply when compared to other government agencies)...

Oh yeah... before, when I was feeling burned-out... I also took up mountaineering.

And now, i've taken to volunteering in weddings... and coordinating my own, of course.

Still, there's that silent ghost that's becoming all the more restless... all the more needing to be addressed... confronted...

And then, fave boss talked to me this morning. She has applied for a post in another agency and so far, it looks like she might get it. And I hope... and I know... she'd get it. She may be gone by August.

And i'd still be here.

So now am here, revisiting the choices/reasons that made me stay here for 5 years (bonuses are great, got promoted twice, work hours are not too difficult, my weekends and nights are mine, no competition really, security of tenure, generally kind people to work with, place near home, prestigious opportunities like meeting/attending to head honchos and being party to classified information)...

I cannot say I sold out... I cannot say I didn't grow professionally.

But I was not exactly educated and trained for this.

I was educated and trained to be a trainor, or a teacher, or a counselor/therapist...

And I cannot say this is what I dreamed to do.

For I dreamed of working for NGOs.

And now, I learn about this and I cannot help but silently mourn... weep ...

For now, more than ever, I need the security of a job and the guarantee of a salary... for a future family.

And yet, somehow, more than ever... I am being called to service and self-realization.

Maybe if I cry this out tonight, i'd be ok by tomorrow.


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