MEComposing

I know I have my moments too, when I forget to allow someone to just rant and feel and wallow... intolerant of mushiness and depression and negative thoughts...

Good thing though, am not exactly one of them shiny-happy people who can't be comfortable when somebody isn't ok...

Because almost half the time, am also not ok... or at least, not that ok... (what is ok, anyway?)

*~*

Two years ago saw the first reference to a really sad time in my life... where a close gal pal hooked up with an ex (who i was very much in love with still, and who I considered for a really long time to be my GLD... "greatest love to date")...

Giving up their friendship because I was in such pain... having all the things I believed in about love and friendship invalidated... really being self-destructive and uncaring of my health, my life, my heart (though I was never suicidal, i kept wishing i'd just die)... really being down on my knees.... really HURT...

That was a really trying time.

And though I am now friends with them again (though we're still not as close as we were before), and in a place where I am really happy for them, and can have fun with them, and love them enough to wish them well, and with JRA (who, I consider, to be the greatest love of my life)... am still not in a place where I can say that OUR PAST isn't a sore subject anymore.

Meaning... when the girl e-mailed me about how happy she is about my wedding plans and also told me about how she only really breathed easy when I started talking to them again... and how she misses the closeness we had...

Unbidden tears still sprung to my eyes...

Making kwento about this to some people, I was slightly offended that there was the automatic assumption that:

1) I wasn't over the hurt

2) That I have not let go

3) That am no longer entitled to the pain

At least, that was how I was made to feel.

For, no matter how well meaning the remark, it just sometimes make one really feel that she isn't entitled to get hurt by her past.

Which is like telling a man who once had to beg for food not to feel sore about poverty... or a woman who has lost a child not to feel sore about not being a Mom...

I chalk like comments to the fact that few people really know me... and really love me... or view things the way I do...

Otherwise, they'd have known that I have forgiven and moved on...

And that it was just really one trying time that, had I been consulted, I wouldn't ever have wished to experience... despite generally not regretting anything in my life... despite being happy where I am and who I am becoming...

Or that they'd have known that despite the twinge and sad reminiscing... I AM living in the present and not stayed stuck there...

And so, I just want to say, that I don't even need to make sense of the pain that I still feel... occasionally... when I really revisit that period in my life. For I already know that things will turn out well for all of us....

It's just that I hope... some people in my life will allow me to tell my stories... or to talk about my feelings, without having to defend them or having them challenged...

After all, I am some woman, right? :)

*~*

Pyro sings Happy Birthday like this... pabileykey tu yu

he already says "thank you" and knows when to say it...

he has already memorized chanting one to ten, and isa hanggang sampu (although with him, he shortens syam and sampu by saying syampu)

he sings... "nanay tatay....nananana... kape...nanana hotdog"

or... "nanay tatay...nanana .. enge pera" :D

he recognizes Blue's Clues... refers to it as Buklus...

and can differentiate the two Bitoys in our family as Big Bitoy and Eisen

he sings Bahay Kubo... and other nursery rhymes...

for a child turning two... i believe people would agree that his language development (have i told you she chants and sings on tune?) is advanced for his age...

and yes, we love him so! and ok, am one proud auntie!

*~*

Spent the weekend watching STAR WARS 4-6... arrgghh...

And I don't know how Darth Vader could always sense Luke Skywalker's presence (the jedi in him), but not Leia's...

And I loved the EWOKS... gosh, I was such a fan of their mini-series... and that movie with the cute girl (Cindel) and her big brother (Mace). "CINDEL" went on to play a very important role in my life...

And now I know why millions of men masturbated to Leia... if i stretch my imagination, yeah, her killing Jabba the Hutt that way was just purely bondage and S&M... sure... fine...

*~*

The Blogkada I belong to have agreed that we'd be writing on how great it is to be Pinoy for the whole month... kindly visit us to be reminded of the little things that make us a great nation too... and what makes Philippines home, even to expats and foreigners...

Better if you'd also write about the same general topic... let us know... let us celebrate being Filipinos and Filipinas together in the blogopshere.
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