MEComposing

I was never religious.

In fact, a huge part of me hated going to church as a child, mostly because my Mom insisted on going in the mornings and I have never been a morning person.

And then I didn't like the rituals of the Catholic Mass.

Weirdly enough though, I actually liked Mass when I am in school... partly because it was a chance to see boys and partly because I wasn't sleepy... and it's cool to see friends leading the hymns and reading the passages. I even kept our hymn book... somewhere in the dungeon that is beneath my old bed.

I was never religious... but somehow, I have always believed in a God, that there is a Greater/Higher Force at work in this world. So, even if I wasn't particularly prayerful, I also always called out to him when in pain, distress or despair.

When I got married, there started this niggling feeling that I should be more religious... or for me to find a higher purpose to my existence. I can't quite explain it but I wanted to be part of a church, but was too lazy and set in my ways to actually really commit my Sundays to one.

Plus, the one priest that truly had me looking forward to sermons left St. Vincent Parish/St. Pancratius Chapel to sow seeds of goodness elsewhere... and then I discovered CCF/TMA Homeschool because of homeschooling. Because the homeschooling movement was driven by devout Catholics/Christians,  I got to be familiar with CCF pastors and leaders... leading me particularly to pastor Peter tan-Chi and his daughter Joy Mendoza, who is married to Edric Mendoza.

But CCF wasn't a convenient place for us to go to every Sunday, especially now that they have moved to Tiendesitas. Sorry, but I really don't like the Ortigas area. Hehe.

And then, I got to listen to Bo Sanchez speak at a homeschooling conference and I was mesmerized... I have known him as someone from the Kerygma magazines I used to be subscribed to, and the founder of Catholic Filipino Academy. So, I finally got curious about The Feast... but even if the venue where he speaks is at PICC, somewhere really near where I live, it took me over a year to get my butt over there.

I did it today, on Pyro's birthday... with my husband. And I really felt home. It had the Catholic rituals from my childhood but also had the inspirational talks I love about CCF. And Bo Sanchez is such a dynamic speaker, I could see hubby responding to him too.

Hopefully, this is really the start of a more religious life for our family.

And I guess... even those years of hating being dragged to church were part of what led back to it now. Sorta like the waiting period for the Chinese bamboo tree.

Or truth be told... Aamir Khan fanatic?

Sigh.

I don't even know how or when it started, but I think I first got interested in the now defunct show, Outsourced, amused because it was about the call center industry (which is something Filipinos can relate with) but set in a culture that was alien to me. And I loved the show!

Hubs then accidentally discovered a gem of a movie in 3 Idiots... and that was something we enthusiastically shared with family and friends. We just really loved the movie and it resonated so well with me as I pursued Waldorf habits and parenting.

I thought that was the end of it, just a glimpse into Bollywood... until hubs discovered Ghajini and kept me awake one night telling me about the movie. I wasn't interested and I think I missed him saying that it starred the same actor (Aamir Khan).

And then he found Taare Zameen Par (released as Every Child is Special in some countries). I had the movie file for over half a year before I thought of watching it. And I watched it because friends in an internet group were heavily discussing kids with special needs.

And I cried buckets and buckets over Ishaan there... with my heart heavy, thinking of struggling kids because they were misunderstood and their different needs unmet, I decided to watch 3 Idiots again. To be cheered up.

I watched it 3 consecutive times in as many days. As I watched, I kept Wiki-ing information and finally got curious about Ghajini so I finally asked for the copy... and I fell in love with the love story and Aamir Khan all the more.

Last night, I watched Raja Hindustani just to compare kissing scenes between the two sisters (Kareesma and Kareena) with Aamir. The funny thing was, I had gotten used to not seeing kissing scenes and stuff in the movies I have been watching that I felt scandalized by Raja Hindustani. Nyahahaha. Plus, I felt the sensualization of Kareesma's character there was so blatant... and both actors couldn't kiss, so that loooong passionate exchange in the rain felt dirty, awful and inappropriate. Haha.

I loved the kiss between Pia and Rancho/Phunsukh in 3 Idiots... it was sweet, tasteful and light (and yes, I don't know how that could have required 14 takes).

Now... I am weighing whether I will watch Rang de Basanti (because I'm not into political stuff but 'Raju' is there!) or Talaash (but I don't like Aamir with moustache, haha, but Kareena is there) or Dhobi Ghat (Aamir's wife, Kiran Rao's directorial debut... but there is supposed to be a character that catches rats there.... soooo... haha).

Meanwhile... I have subjected my sons to 5 songs from 3 Idiots and Ghajini all afternoon... and am now soothing my soul with Isaan's theme.

And I have started backtracking gossip on the stars... Aamir being the most famous has the most dirt (I think I can believe that he didn't cheat on his first wife with his 2nd wife, but that he may have cheated... and is now trying to really keep clean). I also hope Darsheel (Isaan) will land roles that are perfect for him again (my gawsh, the expressions of joy and sorrow on his eyes!). I am also impressed that Asin (Kalpana in Ghajini) speaks 7 languages!

I can go on and on and on.

I have been thinking WHY I am this hooked... and I told hubs, I think it's because of the poetry I read in the subtitles' prose and the actors who really know how to act. Comparing their films with most of what we offer, it would be no contest. I love the expressions changing in their eyes... and the sideway bobbing of the head and the limitations (minimal sex, skin and what-have-you's).

And now I am starting to speak with a Hindi accent.

Sigh.

(I just remembered that I had planned on going to India last December for a Breastfeeding Conference... is this a coping mechanism? haha)

Last year, I chose the word HEAL to be my ONE WORD for 2012. And true enough, I embraced Waldorf and other things that allowed me to heal physically and emotionally.

I did get some medical scares too... which propelled me to want to be healthier. I ended with a Buteyko workshop and working on getting it to work for me.

For this year, though, I want to win.

But first, I cannot win if I don't join the game or race. So, the word is a reminder for me to partake and give things a try.

And well, I really should give my best and all in everything I do... to increase my chances of winning. Needless to say, I have to try smarter too, all the time.

And maybe, I should improve on myself so I could do things better and PLAY better :)

Last, but not the least, I want the word to be a reminder for me to let my loved ones (especially) and other people win too. I could share what I know, lift their spirits up, cheer them on, lead them and just be a source of inspiration and light.

WIN for 2013. How apt for the elections this summer :)

I am now 35
and what have I
to show for it?
clothes that no longer fit
high-heeled shoes  gathering
dust
and still only one
stamp on my
passport

I am now 35
and what have I learned
from getting past
my quarter-life?
that bad habits in childhood
will take its toll
on bodies
and gravity will pull
down
my breasts
and hips
no matter how perky
they were
and that I will still
grow up and be
a lot like my
parents
(oh, the shame!)

I am now 35
and my allergies are worse
my PMS is worse
my acne is worse
and my social life has been
limited to
conversations with children
and this rectangle
of a laptop

Who knew, that despite all these
I'd consider myself
blessed
privileged
and generally happy?

Because... despite all that's
sagging
and lumpy
and the limited means
(for I am also unemployed)
I have two precious sons
to call my own
who I have raised
myself
with only a little help
and whose memories
are MY stories
and whose everydays
are MY days

and my marriage
remains strong and true
and empowering
and liberating

and my parents
heaven bless them
are still alive
and generally still alright
and I am closer to them now
than I was ever before
what's more
they enjoy the
grandchildren I gave them

and I have developed other
passions
mostly emanating from

motherhood
but at 35
I feel alive
and free
loved
hopeful
and just where
I am meant to be

That may not be enough for some
But that's good enough for me
My life is grand enough for me

Warning... major gushing ahead! Haha.

I attended a storytelling seminar held at Museo Pambata last Friday . I have already attended one by Adarna House about two years ago, and actually prefer Waldorf storytelling now... but since it was Kuya Bodjie who will be teaching at Museo, I can't not go.

And I just really love my husband all the more for being soooo supportive of this.

Truth be told though, I loved Batibot and have this vague memory of Kuya Bodjie telling stories there back then... but my favorite segments were the ones showing how taho was made, how to fish in a river, how to paint and dye batik fabrics. But again, I can't not go... not when I can reconnect with a great time from my childhood.

So, I went. And just like I posted on my FB wall... the problem with learning to tell stories from the Master is that, you might die laughing. And I have already told hubby that he's going next year, if only to laugh all day and feel freer :)

I really had a blast (and I loved my classmates... such a talented mix and all of them doing good in this world for little children), I really learned much... and can I just say, I started and ended our day dancing/acting with Kuya Bodjie? Haha... talk about tickled pink! And who cares if I looked all kinds of awkward and silly?

What's more... he commented on my FB post! Hahaha.

Again, talk about tickled pink!

How was Kuya Bodjie? Well, he's still Kuya Bodjie, only older. There were a few times he'd had to gasp for breath from all that he was doing.

You know how you get starstruck when you finally meet an idol? And they appear larger than life while you're with them? Kuya Bodjie isn't like that... the experience of meeting him was more like a validation of the Kuya Bodjie you knew as a child. It was more than a feeling of privilege, it felt like coming home (well, since Batibot was a constant in my life, I guess it would really feel like reconnecting with an old friend).

And again... he made us laugh so hard all day.

What's more, when this brilliant teacher showed great storytelling potential (she drove me to tears everytime she'd act/live out the story), Kuya gave her the stage and instructed and prompted her so well (that she was able to get me teary-eyed) and would even be open-mouthed himself for her.

And he never missed a beat.

And sorry, but I really can't help but grin everytime  I think of the workshop.

And heaven help me that I don't get envious when it's hubby's time to go, haha.

A friend was inspired to come up with a list of things that make her happy and asked us to do the same... so here goes all the things that tickle me pink.

1) Crafts Materials
Specifically, yarn. I have been crocheting every day for the past week and addicted to yarn, to my hooks. I bought new knitting needles. I have yards and yards of fabric for doll-making. I didn't even think i'd hoard these stuff.

2) Paper
 I have packs upon packs of specialty paper, some dating from when I was still in college. I was able to tame my desire to have more when I stopped really writing letters... but started buying them again (origami paper, craft board, watercolor paper) when I got into crafts again. Plus, they're nifty with hybrid digiscrapping projects.

3) Free Digiscrapping Kits and Photoshop
I would go for days just downloading and reorganizing freebie kits which take up about half of my laptop's memory... even if I don't use most of them. And of course, even if I am not a master of it, I love Photoshop because it helps me bring out MORE from a photograph or sentiment.

4) Childhood Games
Like sungka. Or jackstones. Or pick-up sticks.

5) My Recorder
I don't play it as often now nor have I actually mastered it. But it's the first instrument that I felt I was able to make music out of (hubby won't agree)... and the first instrument that actually got me reading notes. I can only play two tunes in it still... but I love it.

6) Books
My most precious ones being the Harry Potter series and the Little House series. But I also consider my sons' books as mine because I enjoy them too... and I love the parenting books I am recently reading.

7) Cameras
Unfortunately my DSLR is actually broken and won't take proper pictures. But good cameras and pictures make me happy.

8) Laptop and Internet
I love blogging, surfing the net for yarn/wooden toys/convertible wear and Facebooking (coz this is where all my friends are).

9) Multiwear Outfits
I dare not even compute how much I have spent on multiwear for the past two years... haha... but I still love them and wish I can wear them everyday and buy some more!

10) Chatting
Be it with friends or hubby, I love adult conversations (even if we're talking about raising children) and would really love to have more LIVE ones.

11) Chocolates
Namely... Maltesers, Ritter Sport (White chocolate and macadamia), Whittaker White, Cadbury White, and White Toblerone. I also love choco chip cookies and chocolate muffins... and Selecta Ice Cream's Hershey's Reese's.

12) Peanut Butter
Specifically, Lady's Choice Super Chunky... because I don't like any other peanut butter. Only that. But I now spend P1000 a month for spread and bread because I can eat a peanut butter sandwich all day! It's very weird actually that I am addicted to it now... hehe.

My SIL spent the weekend in Lipa and told me that only a handful of people, mostly the elderly, are attending the Flores de Mayo novena there.

With the advent of technology (internet and texting, even cable TV) and the arrival of malls, the youngsters from my father's hometown have more options during summer. Back then, people really looked forward to the pomp and grandeur of the Flores de Mayo (aside from summer league games) because it was an acceptable reason to be out and socialize. Especially for those looking for romance, it also served as the only way for young men and women to gather...

Now... those with crushes on my nieces and nephews can just text them, or post on their FB walls. Now, youngsters can hang out at the mall... or the growing number of resorts in the area... to be entertained. No more long hours of waiting till novena time, when you can fix yourself up to catch a glimpse of a crush as you sing novena songs... or as you wait to bring her home (even if you have to hold her grandmother's umbrella the whole time).

I find it sad, that kind of dance is now lost. And going back to religion, there is also no more of that belief and celebration of the divine... and how it's connected to your harvest.