10:32 AM Monday, May 31, 2004

If anyone, bound for Manila from Batangas at around 4 pm, took the Star Tollway yesterday... and noticed this white Revo packed with crazy women at the back and two crazy guys beside the driver... let me just say I was among them.

More clues? If anyone saw these girls and a Leandro Muñoz-looking, shaved-head guy running around taking pictures of themselves beside arrow signs and other drivers... yes, that was us.

It was unfortunate that we had to head back to the city just when the processions for the Flores de Mayo has begun in all parts of Sto. Tomas, Tanauan and Malvar... causing a traffic jam that resulted to additional 2-3 hours more of travel time, hunger and long lines at gas station CRs (yes, had we not taken the Star Tollway route, we might have been on the road for a longer time).

But alas... when Filipinos get bored, they make other people laugh. I got this crazy idea of going out of the car to take pics of my friends beside this cargo of a light, collapsible plane. I needed to stretch my legs and we've started waving, smiling, taking pics of other travellers from other cars already, anyway. At first, my friends were not too excited about the idea. But when we saw this bunch of people go out of their car to simultaneously wipe the car clean... it was laugh trip for some two hours after!

A girl on the other side of the highway was exchanging phone numbers with a guy from our lane... both looking at each other from guardrails, looking like suicidal, texting freaks. We "yuhoooooo'd" them like loonies.

We did make a run for the vehicle with the plane on it. And yes, we also posed beside road signs.

We were acting like hooligans and loving it. Dodging cars, waving to people, winking at guys and girls. Drivers started honking at us to take pics with them. Another carload of people started videotaping us too. And we just kept laughing and laughing and laughing.

And then, all of us girls started feeling the need to pee... which greatly quieted us down to the point of not even being in the mood to smile at the guys who were videotaping us when we ran into them at this convenience store at this gas station.

After that, we all slept and the traffic eased up a bit.

But yes, it was a great, great time! I hope I always come up with antics like that... and it made me realize what i've been missing, being away from mountaineering for so long.


The venue for our beachineering was some 20 minutes of walking on the beach. My friend and I managed to not get past the jump-off point of Brgy, Hugom only to reach another barrio... some 30-45 minutes away.

Alas, I am now afflicted with really dark skin and blistered feet.

Still, serendipity gave us a glimpse of this resort there... Virgin resort... with cottages so refreshingly appealing... I just know am going back there.

And with the cottage to be had for only P1,600 overnight, it's a steal actually. Plus, laiya waters is still clean and blue. A cheaper option to P. Galera even since the cottage I mentioned can take in some 10 people.

A bigger cottage could be had for P3,500 and can house more people. It's equally charming too. But since we were too exhausted from the sun that time and were already lost, there were no pics taken.

12:44 PM Thursday, May 27, 2004

A guy friend asked me why, he's noticed, the prettier some girls are, the more insecure they get...

Told him that the average guy doesn't get past skin... and pretty girls know that most guys won't even give them the time of day, or treat them like a princess, or put up with their crap... had they not been that good-looking...

Pretty girls also know that other pretty girls can easily entice their man away... and much as they know that they can easily replace any guy who gives them crap, they also know that having a man love her for who she really is just can't happen most of the time for them... there are, after all, other model-types out there who probably read more books than they do... who probably have more loving relationships... who probably eat real food on time and not saddled by dieting and exercising and make-up all the time...

Same principle, I guess, why average-looking or ugly girls compensate for their looks by putting up with so much crap from men... why they are usually ms. personality and charming and ms. household-helper all in one... especially if the guy is oh-so-cute or if he's from a prestigious background who drives an expensive car...

And yes, average-looking girls who are actually empowered and rich in personality... they get to play girlfriend substitutes a lot of the time, i think, being the perfect woman companion... but not exactly fitting the bill of the average man's standards...

What's the point of this ranting?

Try not to fall for the average man or woman... no matter how she looks like...

Everybody has been cautioned to fall in love with a person whose traits he/she was really looking for, and someone who complements his/her own dreams and values, personality and character...

But... it's so easy to be deluded into just feeling... it's so easy to be sidetracked in the superficial world we live in... it's so easy to forget that love need not cause thunders and fireworks...

And it's so easy to forget that happiness often lies with people we can just be ourselves with...

12:47 PM Wednesday, May 26, 2004

I still have rashes, as part of an allergic reaction, from last Saturday night's drinking of Bailey's and Tequila Rose... poisons i've taken before which didn't produce blurring of vision and palpitations/chest pains on the spot... so how was I to know that they could prove promisingly lethal for me when they deem fit? And all fun is spoiled with me feeling itchy from this prickly-heat looking rashes all over my neck and back and chest and stomach...

And no, I didn't show my girl friends my nipples because I was drunk. That kind of thing I can always do.

But never did I feel as if my head is gonna explode from too much heat either.

Anyway, it's official... no alcoholic drinks for me for a loooong time... no matter how chocolatey and milky they may be... and how little the alcohol content they may have...


As of yesterday, I can now give a Swedish massage complete with proper draping and stretches for the client. Now, if only I can save up for essential oils so that I'd feel more and more 'professional' about giving massages...

We were asked to practice the routine everyday for 7 days so that we won't forget it anymore... and i've started by kneading my sister's tummy last night... for her excretory system... but dang girl is so lacking in flesh and so ticklish... I may have to force my cousin to be my practice dummy...


It's been said that secrets are a funny thing... you keep it because you either don't want to get hurt, or you fear it will hurt people you care about. But secrets also drive you AWAY from the people you care about that you're keeping it from...

I have so many secrets. But four of them are simultaneously creating this void inside me... and affecting my relationships...


I've always been the first to argue that it's seldom black and white in this world. I've always had an issue about not knowing where I stand. I've always had the habit of assuming the worst to protect myself from pain. I've also tried to never read more into what was being said and done, to me, for me, with me...

Not knowing isn't too bad if a part of you isn't hoping or wondering about something.

And I think it's official... I'm going crazy now because I can't make up my mind about someone... ergo, I don't know how to relate properly...

But some dark streets are better left undisturbed... some possibilities better left unexplored...

3:14 PM Tuesday, May 18, 2004

God, Fate, Life, Greater Force, Goddess...

I have somewhere I want to be soon... please grant me the means to realize it.


And so I'm still poor and all kinds of PMS-Y. I am also lately obsessed with owning a bodystocking, a babydoll and a mask (i plumb can't understand how i could have missed fantasizing making love with a mask on, or with my lover masked... it's sooo kinky in a really subtle way!). And yes, a belly dancer outfit has been a lifelong dream anyway.

I dunno, I just want all kinds of naughty kink, and yes, every guy wants his own school girl but my dream costume is that of a nurse. Am even wondering now where I can have one custom-made without necessarily having to explain myself to the tailor/seamstress.

If i plead to building on my trousseau, can this pass for normal?

1:59 PM Thursday, May 13, 2004


My boss was wondering aloud if the trivia posted there were all true... and so I also went to the site. Together, we discussed how Abelardo Aguilar had the genius to discover erythromycin but not the ability to demand royalties for it, and where the Calbiga Cave is, why Philippines wasn't able to produce another genius such as Dr. Jose Rizal, has Philippine deep been exhaustively explored, who possesses the Pearl of Lao Tzu now, etc.

We also talked about the DOT's latest More Than The Usual commercial... and it's Byahe Tayo, a star-studded MTV just to promote Philippines... and how we'd find ourselves gleefully commenting that we've been to this and that place, or wondering aloud when we could go to this and that place. Me, I still really have to eat Pancit Habhab. And I really want to go back to Dapitan, not only to go to Dakak but to also visit Rizal's Shrine.

I really applaud DOT this time, its reinvention of tourism in the Philippines is remarkable indeed. Also, am sure Filipinos, or at least, the Middle Class, is humbled and enticed enough to explore more of what their country has to offer.

And i think i'd really be ashamed if I don't ever get to watch butanding swim about in Donsol, when I was born in Sorsogon, who knows how near or far from that place.

I swear, such sites really make you appreciate some more how blessed your country is... and how little you still know about it.

And yet, and yet... I know I love my country depsite the not knowing much.

12:15 PM Tuesday, May 11, 2004


Saturday loomed real sunny and humid. My friend's wedding which was scheduled for 3:30 started late... but it was a very beautiful wedding. I ended up reading the Responsorial Psalm. The priest kidded the couple that they couldn't hold hands yet because he hasn't wedded them yet... among other jokes (my fave was... OH, LIBET, YOU LOOK NERVOUS, IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME?). Every couple should have as jolly a priest to solemnize their vows and give as good a homily, otherwise, a civil wedding is better. I mean, what's the point of rendering your guests sleepy?

Anyway, the reception was just beside the Church, at the Village Clubhouse. The garden was simply decorated with green-and-yellow-decked tables and lots of flowers and green trimmings with two buffet table. With the bride's parents hailing from Batangas, it was determined that food will not be catered... instead, food served at the reception was cooked by Libet's relatives. Her Dad said that it won't feel much like a celebration if there would be no cooking done in their home, which was a block away from the Clubhouse anyway.

Some people made the mistake of putting some balloons in the pool, which rendered my group as the un-designated shoo-ers of kids attracted by said balloons. Hurray to us, we managed to pull a child away just in time... in time meaning, he only has one foot into the pool when we get to him.

The couple were asked to go from table to table to have their pictures taken. Each table, on the other hand, was given this big sheet of paper to write dedications to... all of which would be compiled with the couple's photo with that table, after...

And then, it began to rain. And it didn't really stop until everyone has given up on the idea of eating sitting down. My friends and I had to eat at the Buffet table since it was one of the few places with a cover. Understandably, it was the most frustrating wedding dinner i've had. To make up for it, I asked for a llanera of leche flan. My friends then had to scrounge some nice-enough looking plastic bag for me.

And of course, I was disappointed for my friend. All the preparation gone to waste. And yet, my friend was still beaming her beautiful smile. I thought she was too dazed to care... but when we bid goodbye, I knew... she was too euphoric to care. Maybe, she also took the rain to mean as heaven's blessing to their union.

Nice... to be humbled. I wish i'd also have her grace... and someday, when my time has come to walk the same aisle... i'd remember that the important thing is the commitment am making... and not any grandiose plan of impressing the guests.

After all, we were there to witness and bless their union...

Best Wishes and Congratulations, my friends...

And since my dedication for you was ruined, allow me to repeat it from memory/inspiration...

you've been with each other
throught trying times
you've shared each others
joys and sorrows
you've served an inspiration to the other
and blessed each other's existence

you will both redefine what LOVE truly is
and together, you shall give new meaning
to the words
and together, you shall reach new levels

I wish you well...


I bought my Mom this expensive lotion, a treat I know she'd share with my sister and cousin. But since it was rainy back in Lipa, she didn't return last Sunday. I texted her a greeting and feasted on ice cream, a treat from my in-law. Also got disillusioned by the boxing world... but kudos to the likes of Pacquiao and Onyok, who bring glory to the Philippines. I just hope Pacquaio will not be denied a chance to win his 4th title somewhere... if ever, he deserves the $2 million reward.


Mom arrived to see all of us in the sala, still trying to sleep while my nephew is making the usual racket so early in the morning. It was past 10 in the morning, yes, but we all still wanted to sleep. (My cousins, sister and I all decided to camp in our sala to save on electric bills and scare each other whenever we deem necessary) Anyway, my Mom's fervent desire was delivered in our HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY cheers shouted at her while she's still by the door. I think she was too happy, she bought ice cream after we got back from the precinct. We were also happy to report that the 2 lipstick smudges on her greeting card was Pyro's.

We took Pyro with us to the precinct. (yeah... THE FAMILY THAT VOTES TOGETHER, BUYS ICE CREAM TOGETHER) At first, he was only too happy to walk the length of Concordia with my sister and Mom holding each of his hands.... causing disapproving glances from people who were hurrying, yes, but to hell with them, of course. The heat got to him though... I carried him back home, with the baby all "lanta" in my arms...

can I just say that I love my family?

After that, we all napped, ate, napped, watched TV, etc.


I think I gained another 5 lbs. from all the nap I took. And the weather, bringing rain for 3 consecutive days produced insurmountable horniness in me... that I thought I wasn't dreaming anymore when I was doing the nasty over someone in front of my cousins. Geez...

And dang that Jimmy Bones (?) movie at HBO... my wet dreams got all the more perverted... tell me, what is sooo erotic about having 3 other girls do you... while some of them suck blood from you... and while you let rats suck your toe? Ewwwww... and then of course, I had to beg other friends to give me men to f*ck with... and honestly, I was just too horny to have realistic, sane, non-perverted dreams...

11:31 AM Friday, May 07, 2004


Tomorrow, I attend my friend's wedding. On Sunday, I will gather up the guts and the kindness to finally give what my Mom has always said she'd prefer... her kids greeting her in person, over cards and gifts...


My Mom and I have never been close. She seemed a cold woman to me. Later on I found out, she was just that way to me because she never felt I needed her. She also told me that even when I was but a little girl, she'd feel that I didn't want to be with her... true enough, women I adored in childhood were my Lola (her Mother) and my aunt (her youngest sister). I also felt she was insecure of my father's love for me, and I think it's true somehow because I know how it must hurt her to have Dad side with me sometimes... or Dad accord me privileges not given to her son... also her child. Sigh, family dynamics and all that sh!t...

But somewhere along the way, you get to realize how, in spite of not having the Mom you feel you need, you also dearly love and respect and admire this woman who wakes up early every day to go to work so she can buy food and help support the family... and who goes to the province every weekend to be with your father who is known for his tantrums... who plays with her grandson and patiently feeds him when he's teething...

More than that, I can never ignore the fact that this woman was born poor... who had to work for relatives just so she can study... who waited long enough before getting married... who chose a man as responsible and dedicated as her... and who worked for a living so that, together with her partner, she can give her kids a better childhood, a better and more promising future.

I just hope all mothers have that foresight... and the discipline and courage to be... WISE.


I originally thought of posting quotes here and just elaborating more on them...

As you can see... I changed my mind. But let me try my hand at my kind of poetry...

do you love me
when you don't let me go out to play?
and Mommy do you love me
when you don't buy me a new bag
or that Barbie doll in the window display?
do you love me
then why in fights, i get more spanking
than my brother
and why with my homeworks
you I cannot bother?
do you love me
when you scold me after I've broken something
didn't you see my finger bleeding?
and why would you say you're ashamed of me
after getting suspended for fighting
and why would you be embarassed
that the neighbors are hearing me
and my brother quarrelling?
is it love
when you don't tuck me in to sleep?
was it even right
that you kept sending me to school
even when sick?
Mommy is it love
when you just cry and not defend yourself
when Dad is being irrational
and is it even right for you to kiss me
only when i've gotten a medal?
do you love me
i'd really want to know
Because Mommy
I really love you
even if you've hurt me so.

I really love you
And I wanted you to get enough rest
Childhood is the time to do that
For you, I wanted the best
I couldn't afford some things you wanted
I was saving up for tuition
and my prayers were answered
you never did waste your education
I really love you
and I really love your Dad
and marriage isn't about fighting back
it's understanding and courage
when times are bad
I really love you
and i love your brother too
and i did not intend to play favorites
between the two of you
just understand that being younger
and less solid of personality
he needed special loving care
i thought, of that, you were aware
I really love you
and it hurts me to see you cry
but there is no textbook on mothering
so darling, i apologize
if ever you find me wanting
some things i do, to not be right
know that love has been the reason
about this i cannot lie
Oh daughter, i have despaired
countless of timess too
but i consider it a privilege
to have been the one to raise you
I cannot be more prouder
of who you have become
No other better task for me
than to build and maintain our home.

A lot of things, I didn't understand
And i'm so sorry, please believe
I didn't mean to make you sad
Know that am reaping the benefits now
of all the lessons that you taught
painful they may have been
they shall not be for naught
I love you Mother
as I always have
thank you for doing what you could
and forgive me for not appreciating you as i should
i just hope i would be half the Mother
you were to me, with your granddaughter.

... happy mother's day to all mothers...

12:34 PM Tuesday, May 04, 2004

My boss brought a big box of Krackel Bars here at the office. She said it was an in-law working for Hershey's that sent them a lot of such boxes and it's taking its toll on her kids' teeth, tonsils and throat. So, she decided to share that possible repercussion to us.

My other boss inquired about the box of chocolates. She said her kids, all grown up now and with families of their own, used to treat chocolates the same way, never stopping the feast as long as there are some in the fridge. And yes, it adds to electricity bills too, what with the constant opening-closing-checking of ref compartments for possible hidden goodies. Now, she says, chocolates sent by her kids from all parts of the world, only reach their expiry dates in her ref. And she said, opening he ref and seeing chocolates there always brings her a bittersweet sense of nostalgia, making her wish for a moment and have her kids back as kids, all clamoring for sweets and hounding the ref incessantly.

That struck me as a little sad indeed... and also brought back my own forays during childhood, when i'd secure Cadbury Peppermint chocolates all to myself and would be caught snooping all over the house, searching for delicacies, not to comfort my soul or compensate for feeling empty... but just to indulge in their sickening sweetness...

I'm guessing most parents are like my bosses, or my Mom even... worried and perpetually disinclined with anything they know would cause trouble for their kids (we all know how tootaches can rob us of sleep, and how antibiotics for tonsillitis are expensive) ... but am also guessing that most parents will feel that tinge of wistful, sentimental yearning of having their children be kids again...

4:29 PM Monday, May 03, 2004


That's enough money to buy a camera phone.

And enough money to buy a digicam for that matter.

It's enough money to buy an appliance... or pay most of my sister's tuition for a semester.

It's enough for more than half of a birthday bash at McDo or Jollibee for my nephew...

And enough for a trip to Cebu or Palawan or Bohol or Davao or even Boracay.

It's enough for a lot of things... dentures, glasses, milk, groceries, kinky toys, medicine, gym membership, a treadmill of my own, new wardrobe, new mountaineering gear, a year's supply of white choclates, or a choco binge at Leonida's... the list can go on and on and on...

But I really have to be happy enough to deposit said amount, and charge it via Paylite, to FAMILY FIRST.

Yes, I was happy! That I think is the basic reason I even said YES because i've said NO to other schemes and pyramid eklats before... happy because I was thinking of weddings and pregnancies and a happy family life... because I was on my way to my friend's shower...

Happy... and so they were able to sell me their scheme. Actually, if not for my credit card, i'd have been useless to them, and they wouldn't have been able to convince me to shell out that much money... but i can't exactly blame the providence that allowed me to have my credit card with me that time, now, could i?


Enough money to teach me a lesson about handling my finances.

Enough to make me bleed for the coming months because payment of such will require me to sacrifice planned out-of-town trips and other luxuires, like load, white chocolate, new undies...

Enough to make me feel all the more bad about not providing more for my family... (I can just hear my Mom's parinigs about my mid-year bonus)

Enough to be a real learning experience...

and enough to make me realize I'm loved and honored and respected and considered all kinds of intelligent and wise... inspite the obvious lack of better judgment...

Really, it hurts me a lot right now... but it's still a cheap price to pay for the knowledge of who will still be rooting for me... and supporting me... during down times...

And who I can trust to love me anyway...

Sigh... I just hope others won't commit the same folly. And friends and lurkers, feel free to laugh at my expense... someday, i'd be laughing at myself too... :)

At least, when am no longer poor.