kissed and telling...

10:08 AM Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I believe the bar was called VERVE ROOM, just across Kemistry where people supposedly popped blue pills. Malate as a party district was on fire, and Libis was still being imagined by dreamers.

I fleet from stranger to stranger, like a bee trying on different flowers for honey. Why I was playinmg hostess, I don't remember anymore. But then again, that's just like me to be uber friendly and chatty. Besides, these guys were chatmates. And I had nothing better to do. I certainly didn't dig the rave music so I might as well 'interact' with the kids.

Kids... I call them kids because I was already working then, and most of then were still in college.

Across the room, on a sofa, sat this guy in blue polo shirt, huffing and puffing on one ciggy after another. Beside him was the girl he once flirted with and enticed enough to fall for him... the girl he suddenly turned cold with after meeting her in person the first time. Well, see, most people are more interesting over the internet and phone.

Anyway, there they sat together... the girl still being nice to him, still engagingly laughing at his jokes, still finding him interesting and attractive. And he WAS cute. And he continued to puff on ciggies eventhough he wanted to stop because he isn't really a regular smoker... and his chest was already complaining.

He was my boyfriend.

I was his girlfriend.

And I refused to join him because he was smoking.

And he was smoking because I was not joining him.

Sigh. To be young (and stupid) and in love.


I was in love with that boy. In retrospect, it's pretty evident that I never got around to really learning to love him. But I was in love with him for a time. In love enough to be self-destructive after our break-up (gosh, one of the nights I totally, totally regret having ever lived!).

But I think I was in love mostly because I found him cute :) And he was interesting and caring enough.

And later on, well, the sex was good.


Fast forward to over six years. We meet online again. And I can't wait to find out if he did get a certain girl pregnant... and if they're still together.

Because I felt sad for him then (when the girl was picking a fight with me eventhough I was not after her man). I knew of his dreams and he was still too young to be tied down.

But reading his hirets online, either he's unattached... or unhappy with his marriage. And either way, it's sad that he doesn't sound like he's done a lot of growing up.

And all that comes to mind right now is that: Shucks, I bedded that guy!

things in mind...

10:08 AM Friday, May 26, 2006

I think, women who were stupid enough to get knocked up (and yes, I blame the woman for not being more responsible with her body... men who don't do you, or love you, because you don't want to take pills and insist on them using condoms, are jerks... but you're the bigger fool for sleeping with them anyway) out of wedlock don't have any right at all to expect whoever the father of their child marries to support their child.

The (biological) mother and father both have an obligation to provide for their child... but their spouses should be allowed some choice.

And I wish my niece's mother will stop harassing my cousin for support... because I think it's more wrong for my cousin's wife to support his child with another woman when she alone supports their 3 kids.


Of all the things a friend would settle for... it's a child with a man who's still married. I don't care how crazy they say the wife IS, he's still married. I don't care if he says he doesn't love the wife anymore, he's still married.

Or maybe am just one of those who feel that love should generally come with the reward of marriage.


Someone I know is marrying a guy who has been married before, and has two kids by his first wife. He wants to send his kids to the best schools, but he is without savings. He couldn't even pay for the annulment of his marriage (his new gf did it) nor for his second wedding (his gf again is doing it, and justifies that with the fact that she's earning more). And I cannot help but wonder about the kind of love that moves the girl.

Honestly, I am awed by people (mostly women) who go ahead and marry someone with baggages like that. And yes, I cannot help but acknowledge that it's probably love. For why would a sane, independent, intelligent, beautiful woman (person) want to deal with another woman your man has a history with, or kids from a previous marriage/relationship who has every right to part of what your man will make, as well as his time and person... compromising your plans and decisions for your own relationship and your future family with this man?

And I think I don't feel sad or confused at all by those I meet who are really in such a relationship because of LOVE. I think i'm sad for those women who are at the prime of their life... settling for mistress status and meantime relationships... using their novelty and youth to keep a man... being reckless and having babies with no clear grasp of what it will do to their kids...


I have 5 cousins who are wondering if, when their father dies, they'd be welcomed to weep with their half-brothers and sisters by their father's coffin...

It's their right... yes... and then there's that fact that his other kids deserved more consideration and love (and such is seldom equated with siblings from another woman, and your own Mother forever grieving your Father's betrayal).


Finished Grey's Anatomy last night. Meredith is a fool. Derek is cruel. Addison should realize soon that she deserves better... and sometimes, we have to roll away a little from where we stumbled before standing up.

Sometimes, fighting for what you think is RIGHT can deprive you of other RIGHT and GOOd things.

grey's anatomy addict

11:19 PM Sunday, May 21, 2006


Having DSL at home didn't help. I've been sleeping at past 3 am for the past 4 days already just watching Grey's episodes. I think we've already finished downloading Season 1 (9 episodes) and Season 2 (27 episodes) and are about to watch Episode 14 of Season 2 already.

I just love Izzie (Katherine Heigl), even her judgmental ways. I don't care for Meredith and George and Alex and Derek much. Cristina is cool... but I think Burke is wasted on her. And I absolutely love the guest stars who serve as patients (the former dumb redhead at Just the 10 of Us, Shirley Maclaine i think... and many more) and the side stories. I don't know if ER had funny moments like Grey's... and Scrubs is more comedic than drama.

Sigh. I need sleep tonight. But I need my fix too. At least 3 episodes a day till we finish it... and yes, I still catch it at Star World every Wednesday. And yes, I missed my CSI Sunday tonight (well, I went on a cleaning frenzy).


By the way, today was the last day of my Photography Class. I learned much but I have to practice much more... and master the use of any light available... and also practice dealing with strangers and street people. I mean, kids were getting me wet at Mandaluyong City Hall when I was photographing them while they were bathing at the fountains (expressly forbidden). They kept shoving each other (gawsh, Pinoys are real camera whores!) and swamping me with eager faces to check the pics i've taken (see, even the poor have a concept of how digicams work).

Here are my ATTEMPTS. Yes, I finally figured out how to take macro shots. :)


Pyro needs prayers, friends, so please try and remember him when you say yours... he had a great time when we visited him last night.

i shall not dance...

3:57 PM Wednesday, May 17, 2006

January pa lang, i had the bright idea na to accompany my friends who are having a hard time getting preggy to Obando... ever since I was a child kasi, I wanted to witness an Obando fiesta na... tas yun nga, nai-involve ako sa reproductive health problems ng friends ko... so ako na nagyaya... ako na din nag-research (better commute, jeeps/fx terminal could be found at LRT-Monumento bound for Paco, Obando)...etc

Basta, ever since I was a child, the Dancing at Obando has held a mystic sway over me... and i've always wanted to go. I just knew it would be a very humbling and liberating experience... to possibly see crying people, asking for a child, or celebrating for being given a child (because those who get blessed return)...

I looked forward to this so much...and kept it a secret from almost everyone, kasi ayoko ngang 'mabati'... while I made plans with friends.

Eto na... Bukas na yung feast ni Santa Clara... (pero May 17-19 sya talaga kasi they celebrate the feast of three saints, one for a husband, one for a child, and another for a good, prosperous life)... punta kami dapat bukas...nag-leave na lahat pati esposo ko...excited din kami kasi we planned na mag-check in sa motel tonight at Sogo Monumento since we have to be on our way to Obando as early as 4 AM... nakaka-miss pati yung motels!!! :)

Pero siguro sabi ni God, hindi pa naman sure what's wrong with me...or there may be nothing really wrong with me so wag na muna kami makigulo ng asawa ko... malay ko nga ba naman, nabuntis pala ako ni Jojo the other night :) Kaya pinadala Nya ng late yung Budget Call guidelines... kaya hindi ako pwede mag-absent in the coming days... and I have to miss this event with my friends...

O baka hindi pa ako ready for the miracle of Obando...

In a way, timing sa newfound polycystic ovaries ko (last Saturday, a trans-vaginal ultrasound told me I have polycystic ovaries, and yes, am not actually pregnant despite the lack of menses)... pero actually, I was planning to go there and ask intercession for Pyro... to thank the heavens for him and ask for his health... and just be with people who WANT to be parents... sabi ko nga before, iiyak siguro ako kung andun ako kasi i'd feel for their longing (even w/o yet knowing na i just might find myself in their shoes.... )

Isip ko din, the reason I can't go on leave tomorrow is because my boss is on ,maternity leave right now, the one who's really in-charge of the finplan na... so diba, parang may spiritual connection and reason na am missing a fertility dance because my boss is so fertile (5th kid! and she's the coolest!)

Sigh. I'm still sad. I might cry tonight and binge on ice cream. But am happy for my friends. And I am praying so hard that they finally be blessed with kids.

And if it's not too much to ask... may we become biological parents as well.

(ahehe... yes, if we're talking in person, i'd be speaking in Taglish


Please pray for PYRO because he's scheduled for another surgery. I dare not update his blog because i'm already too tired of crying whenever I think of him and his second surgery.


And of course, I did not forget...

he ruined....

8:27 AM Friday, May 12, 2006

... casual sex for me.


Or 'Thank heavens!'

See, once upon a long, long time ago... I had a BAD sexual experience. It wasn't that he beat me or abused me or something... it was more like, I didn't feel satisfied because there wasn't enough WORSHIPPING and SURRENDER... not enough passion in the experience, that I was left feeling I had engaged in something totally pointless.

I wasn't even into casual sex really that time... It took a lot of text messages and phone calls before I braved the unknown and agreed to sleep with that man. And I guess, I naively believed that his bark would be as good as his bite... we've discussed things we liked doing and things we liked being done to us, and things we'd like to do to each other... I was just really mentally psyched!

And though I don't remember anymore how we first kissed, and where we ended up, I do remember grinding on top of him and thinking to myself, "Gawsh, this is terrible!" (and ok, I was mightily turned off by his kissing expression, the way his lips would pucker up like that... can't describe it really, but it looked pathetic)

It's like we just went through the motions but...

That was enough to wean me away from all the possibilities of casual sex and ONS. I knew i'm good in bed, but I thought 'good' might be relative... and casual partners might not care enough to appreciate what I can offer... and also give me what i'm due. I was just too scared of another non-rewarding encounter, feeling it would extinguish the sensual force that moves me... first and last did it.

Fast forward to years later... he knew he wasn't able to satisfy me and has already apologized for that. He has dared to proposition me again but I declined. And just this week, after accidentally catching each other online in YM, he admits he got shocked that time that he couldn't perform. He admitted too, that he was fairly new to engaging in such encounters... and got intimidated by me... and just totally went into shock when I delivered on the tale that I have mastered the art of muscle control.

It was my turn to be in shock... was I aggressive? was I wild? was I too noisy? what did I do that can shock someone?! Heck, I thought I was still reserved, despite the nudity!!!


And though the conservative part of me (bwahahaha, funny but I do have one) would never have really allowed myself to be as liberated as some of my friends are... I can't help but feel dismayed over the lost opportunities of sleeping with total strangers. It might have been fun, you know.

Tsk. Didn't know there are sexual "what could have been's" too.


Then again, i've often heard how it can be a hit and miss thing when you engage in casual encounters... friends often end up giving mercy f*cks and just suffering the whomping. Some even end up reading books while having it done to them. Some naman want more, infinitely more, and either deal with a sleeping, snoring stranger (who don't look as HOT now that his mouth is open like that) or get sent home (work, fatigue, gf coming, parents needing him, etc). Isn't that just sad?

So yes, not spreading those legs can save someone from a lot of hassle.... or at least, mediocre lovemaking.


But really, heaven help the woman who has saved everything... only to end up with a mediocre lover who can't even make her cum.

To make the most of my fairly new digital camera, I have enrolled in a Photography Classes this summer. We started two Suandays ago, and here's what I can say/have learned:

* Dang, good cameras can be so expensive!

* Photography is both an art and a science.

* Dang, understanding the technical/science part can be really challenging.

* Quick Kodigo: the higher the F-stop, the deeper the Depth of Field - the fewer light - the slower the shutter speed

* You don't need the latest technology/expensive cameras to take great pictures. But to take greater pictures, you would need to really invest in higher-end cameras.

* Some people are born with an eye for seeing things. But photography, being a science, can be mastered by anybody... and we all have a sense of creativity within us.

* The really good photographers say this: Photography gives them food for their soul, and food on their table.

* Photography is all about LIGHT.

* Good photographs tell a story and stirs one's emotions. Really great photographs render give a sense of humility to the viewer.

* One has to master his equipment to really take good pictures.

Week 1 was all about learning the basic parts of a camera and understanding the principles behind them. Finally, I know what aperture is (amount of light that reaches the camera's sensor). The lectures can be very dragging, with matching slideshow presentations that require the classroom (one of the dungeon-cubicles at Fort Santiago) to be darkened, rendering everyone sleepy. The last two hours of the 9-5 session is dedicated to taking pictures. Everyone is given a film each (even those with digital cameras or digital SLRs) which FPPF will develop for free to be critiqued the following week.

I was mega dehydrated that time and had to drink at least 9 glasses of water before I stopped feeling like I was dying of thirst. See, I was running around Fort Santiago just taking pics... and the sun was still scorching at 3 pm!

Week 2, we were privileged to have an authority in Tilak Hettige, a Sri Lankan and world-renowned photographer (who just published his photographs of Buddhist Monks in a book called "saffron Robes") to discuss the use of light to us. He used calming music in his presentations which again lulled us to a feeling of sleepiness. Make no mistake, his pictures are good (his pictures of Pinatubo were amazing!), his presentations clear and to the point and inspiring. But it's a Sunday in Summer, people are bound to fall asleep!

A 73-year old lady photographer (i'm sorry, I didn't get her name... but she was featured just last week, I think, in Manila Bulletin's Picture Perfect column) took the helm in the afternoon and discussed composition with us. She started that particular lecture by having each one of us choose a pic from last week's photoshoot. Lined up together on a wall, she made us choose one we liked best and anotehr which we think needs improvement and why. The picture I took, although cutely interesting, was lost in a sea of better pictures with simpler subjects. It was depressing a little, but I got more depressed later on when we were sent out to pasteur take pictures again all over Fort Santiago, this time focusing on composition. See, I know my cam is no Rebel but I also know it's one pretty poerful cam... but I can't manage macro shots and blurred background shots.

And it frustrates me more that the times I manage blurred backgrounds, or really crisp colors in the picture... I don't even know what I did right.

Arrgghh... practice will make perfect. I guess I just have to be making love with my cam at ;east 2 hours everyday.

And now, I have this portrait assignment to do...and I forgot my cam at home! (I intended to do it at work because there are big windows here, while I wouldn't be able to catch daylight at home).


All those interested to take basic photography classes, you can use your manual SLRs, digital SLRs and digital cams. Just search the site for class schedules.


Tips in taking good pictures (from the lecture):

a. Keep it simple, sweetheart/stupid (KISS).
b. Tell a Story
c. Observe the Law of Thirds
d. Observe Lines (vertical for rigidity, authority; horizontal for relaxed mood, calm; oblique/diagonal for movement, transition)
e. Frame your subject (use doors, foliage, etc)
f. Accent Composition
g. Blur Bacground
h. Use Small Aperture to achieve Depth of Field
i. Draw Composition
j. Consider Persepctive/.viewpoint (bird's eye view, or worm's view)
k. Bracket your composition
l. Use interesting foreground
m. Do not shot bald skies.
n. Shoot colors, lines, shapes, textures and tones
o. Reduce subject into abstraction
p. Include triangle in your composition.

Other tips can be found here


Wonder where i'll get around P70k to buy a Canon 30D... hmm...


For pictures of my attempts, click on the Photography Classes album.


On a non-related note, 07-07-07 (July 07, 2007) is my Amang Kasal's 25th wedding anniversary, and they've asked me to help them prepare for their wedding (as in halos ako lahat, they're arriving 7 days before the wedding).

Anyway, that's also the day the 7th book of the Harry Potter series will be released, and most probably at 7:00 AM.

Heaven help me, i'd be late in reading the book again! (Last year kasi, it was my friend's wedding naman when the 6th book was released)

not the walk down the aisle

5:48 PM Thursday, May 04, 2006

... she envisioned.

Remember my colleague who lost her husband last Easter?

She's returned to work, knowing that she needs to occupy her mind with other things aside from her loss, knowing that she has a son to be responsible for... a son who just turned four last weekend.

While having merienda, she turned to me and said, "Mec, remember how we'd talk about weddings?" (they were only civilly wed almost 5 years ago, and haven't bothered to buy wedding rings, and I have been convincing her to have a Church wedding for their 5th anniversary)

I bit my lip and nodded (heck, we even talked about where she can deliver her second child after they've moved to their new home).

She went on, "My siblings arranged for a full Mass before Mike's internment. The church was this old, beautiful one with a long aisle. I waited for Mike's coffin by the Church door... and I marched with him to the altar. I had requested for our theme song to be played when Mike is being brought in, and so I was just walking slowly beside his coffin to our theme song. And all I could think of was the wedding we kept talking about."


Every moment counts. And we should make each moment count. And Life just doesn't play favorites...


may mga pusong sinungaling

we lie best...

10:48 AM Wednesday, May 03, 2006

... when we lie to ourselves. (Anonymous)

Join the berks as we tackle LIES in different perspectives, in its different forms.


Meanwhile, constructive criticisms are welcome... and votes :) Best and Worst shots from this first attempt at my Photography class.


Eva Longoria, no matter how HOT they say she is, looks a lot like Fran Drescher (minus the pale skin and big hair)... sounds like her too (have you heard Eva laugh?)