all i wanted was to be a mom

3:34 AM Thursday, August 31, 2006

Aside from all the things i wanted for myself... things I said i'd never compromise... like engaging (nay, enjoying!) in pre-marital sex, making sure i can still bend my body/trunk when am 60 (i think i should rethink this seeing as i'm already having trouble now!), not ever allowing myself to stay with an unfaithful partner, never allowing myself to be abused, exploited, taken for granted, etc by a partner, marrying someone who is financially-stable and has all the potential and drive to remain so, never doing drugs, enjoying my single blessedness before settling down, projecting an air of a sensual, sexy woman, immortalizing my youthful body in photographs (I could really have been crass and shot for porn... but i'm actually conservative)...

Well ok, the list can go on a long time... but aside from all those things, a major driving force in my life has always been to be a Mom.

I believe, am mostly driven by the fact that I didn't really get to enjoy mine. And the reaction to my childhood, to my upbringing, to my circumstance is such that I grew with only motherhood really as a life purpose.

No, I wasn't pathetic enough to get knocked up the minute my first period started... nor did I look at men as possible sperm donors strutting about. But always, the grand dream is to be a Mom.

At first, I didn't even really think about being a biological Mom... visions of a gaping vagina oozing with blood and gore (Ok, maybe not exactly gore) and ejecting a crying infant was not exactly... a nice picture, to say the least. So, in days when am just really contemplative of the future, i'd see myself old (around 40) and sitting on a porch, watching many kids playing in my yard. So yes, I wanted kids and I wanted many of them... and I also want a yard and a porch.

But more than wanting to be a Mom, I also wanted to be a better Mom than my mother ever was. (Mom is not actually a monster... but the uber-sensitive child that I was got hurt all the time by her seeming coldness and indifference... I also think I read way too many books that led me to have illusions that all mothers should be their daughter's best friend... someone who would fuss and comfort and hug and play with you and hang out and stuff... but my Mom was maybe too old to play at age 29, when she had me, and too tired working her a$$ off to augment the family's disposable income... and too marked by her own hard childhood). So despite my love for infants and patience for them (basing from all the times I helped out with younger cousins), I also set out not to have an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy.

I was responsible. I pride myself with that... because it was a choice that involved a lifestyle that's not always convenient. Honestly, I even really believe that my parents should have fainted in relief that I was able to graduate from college without getting pregnant...

So though I didn't 'save' myself for my husband, I made sure I saved my firstborn child all the stability and love I can offer (which I know I couldn't have possibly given had I not wanted the child in the first place)... and all the blessings and eagerness from everyone who's going to be around him or her. I told myself, no child of mine will not be wanted and unwelcome (however initially).

But alas... I have now been married for 8 months... and my reproductive prospects look a little grim. And am seriously allowed to be melodramatic about things, seeing as it's already three in the morning...

We found out that there's a growing cyst in my left ovary aside from the fact that I am actually suffering from overproduction of hormones by my thyroid gland. I am actually still due for more screening so my endocrinologist can better determine which treatment/medication i'd require. I went into his clinic expecting to be told, "Oh, it seems you may have a problem but it's good we caught it early before your T3-T4 levels have really risen"... but instead I was told, "Your T3-T4 levels are really high and your heart rate is already faster than normal, eventhough you're not exhibiting other signs..."

*insert pursed lips here*

Hyperthyroidism isn't exactly terminal (like... say... cancer?) but now, it's like my world is spinning.... no, make that... it's like am spinning and the world is at a stand-still. I'm now afraid to get pregnant (because despite the cyst in the ovary, which could actually be due to the hormonal imbalance caused by my thyroid problem, everything inside me is just dandy for conception) in case my thyroid problem causes abnormalities to the baby (both when I undergo treatment or not). And then, there's also that fact that my thyroid problem just may be the reason why I haven't gotten preggy yet... and what if it results in actual infertility?

I feel like a child who did all the right and good things... but don't get rewarded in the end. A petulant child yearning for some reward. A moping, angry, confused, hurt child who couldn't get her toy.

But really, there's just sadness (and ok, impatience!) when I ponder the possibility that... the girl who pulled her friends to the Baby Stuff section in department stores all the time will never actually get to buy those booties for her own child... that there will be no wooden crib, and color-coordinated baby stuff (yellow and green), no tummy caresses from the husband, no Mother's Day cards doodled with stick drawings...

Again, I could go on and on.

And then I look back at my 'practicing safe sex' phase and ask myself... if I had known i'd have problems later on... would I have been less responsible? Would I have risked teenage pregnancy?

And then I sigh as I answer myself that NO... I still wouldn't have. I was still taking care of me then... and raising myself, so to speak. I wanted to be a good mother after all.

*more melodramatic sigh here*


A sort of related post


The gym thing is at least making me lose pounds as fast as I gained them. Though it's really weird that i've got hyperthyroidism and yet kept gaining weight.


Heaven find me ways to sleep tonight.

But if not... can I just ask for Pyro's cancer to go away for good?

And if not that... the new Canon EOS 400D really makes my heart skip a beat :)

obssessed and consumed

10:52 PM Friday, August 25, 2006

I am currently beset with a manic need to buy books and read! And it didn't help that Powerbooks and National Bookstore went on sale!!! Gosh. I've always known I think more than twice when shopping for clothes and stuff but not with books and food... but i've also never been a fan of really expensive paperbacks (anything exceeding P300 for a novel IS expensive, in my opinion, esply since you don't really read them again and again and again... and yes, my most expensive books are still the Harry Potter Book series, which I read again and again and again).

Need proof?

All these bought just this August, and only the 2nd half of August... so i've only read three.

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Let me see... that's seriously at least P4k worth of books there... oooh, I keep telling myself that it's better to have spent that much on books rather than white chocolates and cakes. I am trying to control my weight gain after all (which has gotten catastrophically out of hand, but that's for another entry).

I think... I think... they're all easy reads though. Let's see...

Seduce (100 Tips to Arouse) was just something really on sale.

My Legendary Girlfriend by Mike Gayle (finished) is about a guy who couldn't get over his break-up (which happened three years ago). I actually felt the hero was pitiful and had he been real, wouldn't have interested me really... but the book was engaging enough. And well, i'm really loving British writers/novels right now. I'm thinking of buying his other books...

Babyville by Jane
(finished) is another British novel. I actually like THE CREATION MYTHS better but Babyville still managed to make me reflect on how feelings cannot be planned, what more about having a baby. Aside from having one of the characters desperate to conceive (which I can relate with, not the desperation exactly, but the desire to finally conceive) which can be heartbreaking in itself (a friend who spends some P40k over fertility work-ups comes to mind... she has also danced at Obando and is now undergoing acupuncture treatments and will also try hypnotherapy), the book also makes one realize yet again how babies change, define, modify, challenge one's priorities.

Rosie Dunne by Cecelia Ahern (currently reading) is a brilliant novel written by an Irish author. It's just amazingly captivating, where readers learn of the characters and the goings-on through the letters, e-mails, chat sessions and text messages they send each other (excerpt here). It's about childhood friends who seem meant to be... and honestly it's been frustrating to watch their story unfold... frustrating and yet very, very engaging. I have also bought another Ahern novel (I guess am also loving Irish writers now), P.S. I love you, a story of a woman dealing with the loss of a spouse.

Veronika Decides to Die by Paolo Coelho interested me for two reasons... 1) I loved Coelho's The Alchemist and 2) I've always had a fascination over death. Anyway, am sure i won't be disappointed.

Blessings by Anna
is something I bought because i've been reading good reviews about Quindlen as an author... and I liked the angle of a baby left at someone's door.

Confessions of a Deathmaiden by Ruth Francisco caught my eye because it was 50% off and about death... and later investigation implied that it can be romantically gory.

Caramelo by Sandra
, I bought for the exotic culture and backdrop, hoping to learn more about Mexican culture and their family dynamics, traditions, and motivations.

I also bought Friends, Lovers, Chocolate by Alexander McCall Smith for the exotic places the book is
supposed to take me.

A Perfect Divorce by Francesca Clementis and Adultery for Beginners by Sarah Duncan both titillated my fancy because am newly-married. Of course, am not looking to destroy my marriage... on the contrary, am hoping i'd pick something up to further make mine stronger. (then again, I do already have the Etiquette for Mistresses book and has just asked my husband last night if I could have an affair with him... and demanded he buy me a locket, ahehe)

And to top everything off, I also bought Kiss Me, Kill Me by Ann Rule, a non-fiction bestseller about true crimes of passion. It reminded me of a book I read when I was only in high school, a compilation of court transcripts of sex crimes. Cool, eh?

There are still so many days left in August... and I really intend to buy more books. I'm just waiting for the next payday because its just wrong to be charging more on our credit card.


Happy weekend indeed to me!


Commercial... a little emotional when I think of Pyro.

And yes, I got the birthday blues... even if it's still over a month from now.

rockpoint, seaside, white bird

10:04 AM Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Because government corporations are still supposed to observe austerity measures, but holding a Conference within the office premises defeat the assembly's purpose by virtue of participants getting distracted by clamors for their signatures, brief meetings/consultations etc., we've decided to look for a cheap venue outside of Manila.

I found Rockpoint Hotel Spa and Conference Center over the internet and found it a nice place (if slightly cramped, esply since we've been regular clients of Fontana Resort before with its vast lawns and villas). It also offered the cheapest Conference package so it ended up being our venue.

Anyway, I have nothing but good thoughts about the place. The waiters were courteous and attentive. The food was not 5-star hotel great but tasted like fine, homecooked meals. The facilities were clean, there was cable TV (sans remote tho) in all the rooms (even the dorm-type ones) and except for the dorm-type ones, all had square bathtubs. Truly perfect for a fuss-free conference, or a family weekend affair. They also have contacts in case you want a massage.

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I was told that they're building a branch just in front of Villa escudero in Quezon, this one really sporting a Spa of its own, with wider spaces and better facilities. Of course, it will no longer boast of hot springs water filling its bathtubs and pools. Operational by January 2007.


Got back from the Conference last Friday... and immediately sneezed my way into the weekend.

Who remembers how many different types of antihistamines i've had to take?


Met with blogger Ghee again and her friend Edwin at Seaside-Macapagal last Saturday with my husband, sister and cousin in tow.

We ate at Aling Tonya's... and had the following:
Kilawing Tuna
Guinataang Tanigue
Grilled Tuna Belly
Crabs in Sweet Chili Sauce
Shrimp Tempura
Sizzling Squid

The conversation was good, Ghee's friend was gross as usual, and they all marvelled at how much I ate. Ahehe.

After eating for some 3 hours, we headed to White Bird. It's just pure love for me (and the fact that Edwin loved his childhood friend Ghee and came along, and was used to accompanying his former female boss to similar places) that my husband joined us inside.

My sister had a blast! Well, at first, she felt pity for the dancing, gridning guys but it took her soon enough to get past all that and just enjoy the show. She even got mildly miffed that someone else 'tabled' the one she was eyeing (she was begging me to allow her to table someone and to take the money off her allowance... I would have obliged if only I wasn't weirded by the fact that hubby was there... not that he'd challenge it, it was just weird).

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Honestly, it got quite boring to see guys go on and off the stage because it's generally the same dance moves, and the same bodies, and the same bananas. But of course, something has to be said for their smooth, relatively flawless skin... and golly, how some can move was just simply amazing... and err... they were really wonderfully endowed :) One was even sporting 'humps' (silicone embellishments to a c0ck that gives the feel of a double head, or something). And Ghee attracted them enough to have at least 2 of them dance in front of us... so close that again, I was weirded out by the fact that my hubby was sitting beside me.

Oh, and their masahistas were great! I swear am not just saying all these things because am friends with the daughter of the owner... but really, the masseurs knew their stuff. They were also mostly gays and were chaka-looking. Got some 15 minutes of pure touch therapy (gave the guy P200... but their 'fees' start at P100 naman, I was feeling generous lang, ahehe) while again feeling weird that hubby was there. He teased me about how he could see the worry in my eyes that he'd mind... howell, i'm married to one cool guy, I tell you.

Table-ing (for lack of a better term) a guy will cost P400 for one hour (the guy will be entitled to one drink).

The light show triggered my sister's migraine... and we went home hearing retching noises.


Cried Sunday when I said goodbye to my fave, fave aunt from my father's side... since they'd be migrating to the US too. I'm sure gonna miss Kakang Indeng's fussy attention and her cooking.

off conferencing

9:59 PM Tuesday, August 15, 2006

... and how I wish I was referring to chatting. As it is, i'm exhibiting psychosomatic reactions to our 3-day Conference (Wed-Fri), which I arranged, and which fills me with so much stress right now... knowing how demanding and unreasonable and self-absorbed some of the participants can be...



Anyway, met blogger Ghee last Friday. It's really amazing how strangers can get so excited over each other... and how we feel familiar and intimate with each other just because we've been visiting each other's blogs. The meeting was made all the more amazing because Ghee came with a friend she hasn't really bonded for 25 years (they were classmates in elementary). Edwin regaled us with so many stories about his 2-year stint in Saudi (all the sexual propositions, how he maneuvered himself from such situations, witnessing a beheading, handling colleagues' jokes about how their penises are bigger than those of Pinoys, etc). We separated at past 2 AM, enjoying our time at Merck's... where we agreed to meet again this coming Saturday for this:

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Other bloggers who wish to join can just send an e-mail my way (but i'll be checking mails Fri pa ulit).

on f*ck buddies

10:32 AM Thursday, August 10, 2006

This entry is already really long due.

Anyway, the name implies a friend that you engage in carnal activities with. And though it's true, what with the relationships right now becoming more and more complicated (or more and more basic, depends on how you really look at it), few set-ups actually involve a guy or girl friend who you run to because your family was sh!tty, and work sucked, and the one you're in love with is giving you problems. Few set-ups actually call for long conversations through the night about life and love, and plans and dreams, and secret and not-so-secret heartaches.

Fubus are usually people who aren't really friends... and don't really hang out... or who may hang out but don't really date... because there is a love interest, or a committed relationship somewhere, in some parallel universe.

So, for all intents and purposes, they're people who don't hate each other and who sleep together. And I don't even mean regularly (as in every week) because there are set-ups where they do it everytime one person is attending to some business in that area... so it could be every 2 years or so, who truly knows?

But yes, there are those who sleep regularly... making it a meantime relationship where, at the end of the week, after putting up with all the crap one does in order to live, there will be that nubile (or at least willing) body to look forward to...

Or... after putting up with the routine of being a husband to a busy wife, and a father to demanding kids... there will be that woman who would be giving much, without asking a lot of questions.

Or... after putting up with a husband who's emotionally absent... or abusive... there will be that secret tryst to keep some woman from going totally insane.

Of course, love isn't in the equation. Emotional attachments, though an inevitable probability for those who are in it, are still not exactly welcome.

And to avoid that, friends say that one should always have a Plan A and B... and not to sleep with both regularly. But of course, Plan A and B dont necessarily have to know that...

A former fubu of mine got really attached with me. It got quite ugly in the end... because his attachment ruined the set-up for both of us.

And now, I cannot help but sigh that a friend is bewailing the fact that guys she's sleeping with aren't turning her into their girlfriend... how they want love and sex, but separately given.

Because I was once like that... giving my body to someone else, while having my heart suspended in a romantic hopefulness that wouldn't be so readily rewarded.

Ah well, the things we sometimes find ourselves in... in the process of finding ourselves.

the creation myths

12:14 AM Tuesday, August 08, 2006

In lieu of bingeing on food, I decided to return to reading.

The Creation Myths by Clare Brown was a book I decided to purchase when I couldn't find the original book I wanted. And dare I say, it's really a very well-written book!

Of course, am fascinated lately by British writing. Something about the dry humor, even in the most painful or awkward of circumstance appeals to me. And Clare Brown was able to capture in this book all the myths we sometimes cloak ourselves in, to justify the self-serving things we do... our betrayal of loved ones, our betrayal of our vows, our betrayal of our self-respect.

Clare Brown discussed passion and sexuality and love and happiness in the midst of the conception and birth of seven babies. After reading the book, I actually wondered when they'd make a movie of it because it has the clear magic of LOVE ACTUALLY where all characters converge in one area... but then, a movie won't be able to capture the thoughts and real motivations of the characters...

One of which is Tom... a basically average-looking guy who is brilliant enough to be a published author many times over... who have mastered the art of seducing women into believing that he's this trapped soul and they're his only line to reality and all that's good and sane and wonderful. Ok, supposedly he's also great in bed too. But really, he was just a typical guy basking in a false sense of reality he's created for himself... he's a coward who didn't like making choices, didn't like making commitments, didn't like taking responsibilities. And he ends up unhappy, despite the literary accomplishments. And I know a lot of guys like him.

Another character is Cressida... a woman who's blessed with a good enough life... a fairly ok upbringing, intact family, a wonderful career, a loving and devoted husband, great kids... who finds herself willing to throw all those things away for Tom... insisting to the end that what they have is love... even after realizing that this guy will forever lie to her... that he's not a good man... and will never be a good man.


Anyway, last Sunday was spent in a reunion for my father's side of the family. How I love that family, with all its imperfections... how it has helped create me, my thoughts, my motivations, my dreams, my values.

And I was both amused and bemused that our family's youngest generation, our nieces and nephews, are being created by us.


The book I read before this was "The Madness of a Seduced Woman" and it was also a beautifully-written book that made me totally abhor the heroine... hate her and her growing madness... and feel all the dazed resignation of everyone when some things have been greater than you are from the start... This one is lyrical while Creation Myths was more direct and conversational.


Unfortunately for my wallet, Powerbooks is having a sale. Bought three expensive books at 20% off (any book exceeding P300 is expensive for me... I mean, come on, why are they sooo expensive?) aside from the two books I bought at Booksale.

One of the books I bought tonight is "Babyville" by Jane Green. :) I also bought "My Legendary Girlfriend", touted as the male Bridget Jones' Diary.


Now i'm torn between playing with my new BOP IT toy or reading...


For a more titillating read, may I please interest you with my sexual sentimentality?