MEComposing

How do you tell someone you can't be with him anymore because you feel, he didn't preserve the best of him for you?

What if, it was you that didn't take care of yourself... your past... your choices... which offends and hurts this person that loves you now... leading him to a choice where he can't be with you anymore?

Where does one draw the line in doing something for oneself... and considering how loved ones might be affected by one's choices?

How can a trait so highly admired in you by others be abhorrent to your loved one?

How can a person tell you he loves you and still make love to another person...?

And how can you love a person and yet feel better about who you are when not with him?

Congruence... congruence...

*~*

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off where the DRIFTS GET DEEPER
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"You must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't alyways be around"

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear


What is the right question....

Mec, when are you going to love YOU as much as So-and-So loves you?

or

So-and-so, when are you going to love Mec as much as she does herself?

I'm not sure what happened to my mountaineering blog... I seem to have lost it... and I don't know how... anyway...

Tomorrow... I climb Guis-Guis... again, may Banahaw find me worthy...

And in advance, I thank everyone who's been giving me moral support, but most of all... my fellow pasaways... for being such good friends and team mates

I have been kidding a lot of my friends about jumping off Banahaw this weekend... and how i'd do it at Durungawan III instead of Durungawan I since I don't wanna be sharing a tombstone with BULOY...

Anyway, I feel shitty and all... and I didn't really know that... I could so speedily plunge into the same darkness that I was in last 1999... darkness sooo total that I actually wish and wish and wish i'd just die...

Just die... I don't even take care of myself when I cross streets now... I just wish and wish and wish for everything... everything... to stop...

But alas... i'm either too weak or too strong to contemplate suicide... I don't know, I've always deemed it as a coward's way out... and i'd always, probably even hypocritically, tell myself that i'm not a coward... i'm just... tired...

And then I think... I love my loved ones too much to bail out on them... how i can never put my parents or my sister through a suicide... especially my sister... and now that Pyro has come into my life, I feel all the more responsible to be alive...

And I think, that is what ultimately separates people who commit suicide from people who don't... the knowledge that he is needed... the feeling that he's responsible for somebody else's life... somebody else's happiness...

And then I also can't help but wonder how strong my desire to live is... if I encounter an accident now and will be attached to tubes and stuff, would I really have what it takes to fight for my life? Would my spirit be stronger than my flesh? Would I actually WILL myself to live?

And so, why am I wishing to DIE now?

*~*

One other thing about suicide...

I sincerely wish that my family, past, present and future will always be composed of averagely intelligent human beings... and not geniuses who, because of their special uniqueness, can no longer allow their lives to be touched by someone else...

I would rather have kids worrying over how to be loved more and to love more... and how to get more out of life... than have them contemplating on religion, God's existence and their own... unable to enjoy moments and just believe that they were born for a purpose...

Also, I would rather have my kids live a congruent life... able to express how they really feel without having to hide from masks...

And I would demand that my kids, however much it might pain me as well, to get used to troubles as soon as possible... to be tested by life in different ways... to know how it is to be scarred and to stumble... and get back up again and heal...

*~*

Note to self: Believe that things hurting you now WILL pass... that you will get the congrunece you so seek... and that... you should always take care in crossing streets...

MGA HALIMAW NA NAKAPALIBOT LAGI SA BABY

I didn't think i'd smile so early... or that I could really feel any hope today... but I heard the following over the radio while going to work...

Do not ask what you owe the world, ask instead what makes you feel ALIVE... because that's what the world needs, people who are ALIVE

I cannot deny the WOMAN I am...

SENSUAL... I like pleasurable things... I like gentle words... I like stimulating conversations... I like touching... I like connecting... I like being aware... I like feeling alive...

FLIRTATIOUS... and even exhibitionistic... a shameless flirt who loves stimulating banters... an attention whore eventhough I don't necessarily strip in clubs or go out of my way to have everyone's eyes on me...

EXPRESSIVE... even though my heart is like an ocean filled with secrets and half-thoughts... I don't like keeping what I think shouldn't be kept inside... lest I burst, lest I become represed, lest it inhibit me from being who I am, lest I encourage false expectations about myself...

CONSERVATIVE... i've always known my place, my boundaries... even though I test and challenge them myself... i'd always value institutions like marriage and families... i'd always defer to a life purpose... i'd always put premium on things like honesty, loyalty, trust, respect and growth...

INTELLIGENT... and still learning about living and loving

LIBERAL... I want sex and my sexuality to be an OK thing... not something I should shy away from... not something I cannot share with other people, through words of wisdom, encouragement, rebuke... I want to celebrate how good it feels being a woman... I do not define intimacy as something totally secret...

DISCRIMINATING.... much as I like attention, much as I glorify my body... or sex, in general... I never felt I owed anyone anything... and therefore choose my friends well... and who I cavort naked with... Only I decide when and where and for whom to spread my legs for... regardless of whether he may already be a lover who'd feel I owe him that... because i've never been easy... i've never been a slut... Had I the capacity for immorality, i'd have been wallowing in free & expensive dinners now, topped with equally expensive gifts and trips...

VULNERABLE... I am as easily hurt as the next woman... I have hopes that can easily be dashed... I have feelings... I still don't have any armor against rejection, prejudice, unrealistic expectations... and yet, have my own silent expectations from my family, my friends, my lover...

ADVENTUROUS... I want to try new things, and meet as many people as I can... to learn from them and teach them some things myself... I want to explore my limits... I want to know how far I can go without losing myself... and killing myself... or doing harm to myself except for the sleepless nights I spend away dancing/hanging out with friends...

HOPEFUL... ROMANTIC even... never, for a day, giving up on my ultimate dream, to become a mother to children I will forever love and protect... and wife to a man who love me as passionately as I love him...

I am all these things and many more. I know I am becoming a better person. I know I will mellow out someday. I know that my priorities will always be both dynamic and fixed... I know what's true in my heart even if I don't say or show it... I know the most important things in my life... and I know the people I'd really hope I won't have to live without...

I'm a woman... with my own personality, my own interests, my own life to live... I have been hurt before and isn't really looking forward to all the other things that are sure to hurt me yet...

I'm a woman... and yet still human... I live therefore I love... I love therefore I hurt... I'm imperfect and unique therefore I cannot help but hurt myself, or other people... no matter how I love them...

*~*

Enchang is a stage actress who admits that she's had abortions before... and yet she still found Mari Kaimo, a man, who loved and married her despite her past... despite who she was and because of who she's become due to her past...

I like to believe that my outspokenness in Pex, MTC, MyG and my blog... my seeming lack of concern of who gets to read about intimate things about myself... or even promiscuous posts exchanged in jest with online friends... and my lack of regard for whoever gets to see some sexy pictures of myself.... I like to believe that those things are still far lesser crimes to humanity... and my future husband...

And if she can find someone who was able to accept her and love her still... surely, someday... a man would embrace what kind of woman I am and love me for it... surely, someday... a man would accept that my exhibitionistic streak can never take away from my capacity to love and care for him... from my capacity to be loyal and true... Surely, someday... a man would believe that I love him and bank his faith on me... not on what other people may perceive me to be... and not how I project myself on other people...

Because he'd be loving me... and he'd be having a relationship with me...

Surely, someday... that can... and will... happen...

I wonder why... since last Tuesday night... i've been terribly, terribly sad... close to inconsolable really...

What could I possibly cannot put into words? What did I realize? What truth lies in the pain in my chest?

What is not making me sleep these days...

What do I have to do about it...