MEComposing

Last year, I chose the word HEAL to be my ONE WORD for 2012. And true enough, I embraced Waldorf and other things that allowed me to heal physically and emotionally.

I did get some medical scares too... which propelled me to want to be healthier. I ended with a Buteyko workshop and working on getting it to work for me.

For this year, though, I want to win.

But first, I cannot win if I don't join the game or race. So, the word is a reminder for me to partake and give things a try.

And well, I really should give my best and all in everything I do... to increase my chances of winning. Needless to say, I have to try smarter too, all the time.

And maybe, I should improve on myself so I could do things better and PLAY better :)

Last, but not the least, I want the word to be a reminder for me to let my loved ones (especially) and other people win too. I could share what I know, lift their spirits up, cheer them on, lead them and just be a source of inspiration and light.

WIN for 2013. How apt for the elections this summer :)

I am now 35
and what have I
to show for it?
clothes that no longer fit
high-heeled shoes  gathering
dust
and still only one
stamp on my
passport

I am now 35
and what have I learned
from getting past
my quarter-life?
that bad habits in childhood
will take its toll
on bodies
and gravity will pull
down
my breasts
and hips
no matter how perky
they were
and that I will still
grow up and be
a lot like my
parents
(oh, the shame!)

I am now 35
and my allergies are worse
my PMS is worse
my acne is worse
and my social life has been
limited to
conversations with children
and this rectangle
of a laptop

Who knew, that despite all these
I'd consider myself
blessed
privileged
and generally happy?

Because... despite all that's
sagging
and lumpy
and the limited means
(for I am also unemployed)
I have two precious sons
to call my own
who I have raised
myself
with only a little help
and whose memories
are MY stories
and whose everydays
are MY days

and my marriage
remains strong and true
and empowering
and liberating

and my parents
heaven bless them
are still alive
and generally still alright
and I am closer to them now
than I was ever before
what's more
they enjoy the
grandchildren I gave them

and I have developed other
passions
mostly emanating from

motherhood
but at 35
I feel alive
and free
loved
hopeful
and just where
I am meant to be

That may not be enough for some
But that's good enough for me
My life is grand enough for me

Warning... major gushing ahead! Haha.

I attended a storytelling seminar held at Museo Pambata last Friday . I have already attended one by Adarna House about two years ago, and actually prefer Waldorf storytelling now... but since it was Kuya Bodjie who will be teaching at Museo, I can't not go.

And I just really love my husband all the more for being soooo supportive of this.

Truth be told though, I loved Batibot and have this vague memory of Kuya Bodjie telling stories there back then... but my favorite segments were the ones showing how taho was made, how to fish in a river, how to paint and dye batik fabrics. But again, I can't not go... not when I can reconnect with a great time from my childhood.

So, I went. And just like I posted on my FB wall... the problem with learning to tell stories from the Master is that, you might die laughing. And I have already told hubby that he's going next year, if only to laugh all day and feel freer :)

I really had a blast (and I loved my classmates... such a talented mix and all of them doing good in this world for little children), I really learned much... and can I just say, I started and ended our day dancing/acting with Kuya Bodjie? Haha... talk about tickled pink! And who cares if I looked all kinds of awkward and silly?

What's more... he commented on my FB post! Hahaha.

Again, talk about tickled pink!

How was Kuya Bodjie? Well, he's still Kuya Bodjie, only older. There were a few times he'd had to gasp for breath from all that he was doing.

You know how you get starstruck when you finally meet an idol? And they appear larger than life while you're with them? Kuya Bodjie isn't like that... the experience of meeting him was more like a validation of the Kuya Bodjie you knew as a child. It was more than a feeling of privilege, it felt like coming home (well, since Batibot was a constant in my life, I guess it would really feel like reconnecting with an old friend).

And again... he made us laugh so hard all day.

What's more, when this brilliant teacher showed great storytelling potential (she drove me to tears everytime she'd act/live out the story), Kuya gave her the stage and instructed and prompted her so well (that she was able to get me teary-eyed) and would even be open-mouthed himself for her.

And he never missed a beat.

And sorry, but I really can't help but grin everytime  I think of the workshop.

And heaven help me that I don't get envious when it's hubby's time to go, haha.

A friend was inspired to come up with a list of things that make her happy and asked us to do the same... so here goes all the things that tickle me pink.

1) Crafts Materials
Specifically, yarn. I have been crocheting every day for the past week and addicted to yarn, to my hooks. I bought new knitting needles. I have yards and yards of fabric for doll-making. I didn't even think i'd hoard these stuff.

2) Paper
 I have packs upon packs of specialty paper, some dating from when I was still in college. I was able to tame my desire to have more when I stopped really writing letters... but started buying them again (origami paper, craft board, watercolor paper) when I got into crafts again. Plus, they're nifty with hybrid digiscrapping projects.

3) Free Digiscrapping Kits and Photoshop
I would go for days just downloading and reorganizing freebie kits which take up about half of my laptop's memory... even if I don't use most of them. And of course, even if I am not a master of it, I love Photoshop because it helps me bring out MORE from a photograph or sentiment.

4) Childhood Games
Like sungka. Or jackstones. Or pick-up sticks.

5) My Recorder
I don't play it as often now nor have I actually mastered it. But it's the first instrument that I felt I was able to make music out of (hubby won't agree)... and the first instrument that actually got me reading notes. I can only play two tunes in it still... but I love it.

6) Books
My most precious ones being the Harry Potter series and the Little House series. But I also consider my sons' books as mine because I enjoy them too... and I love the parenting books I am recently reading.

7) Cameras
Unfortunately my DSLR is actually broken and won't take proper pictures. But good cameras and pictures make me happy.

8) Laptop and Internet
I love blogging, surfing the net for yarn/wooden toys/convertible wear and Facebooking (coz this is where all my friends are).

9) Multiwear Outfits
I dare not even compute how much I have spent on multiwear for the past two years... haha... but I still love them and wish I can wear them everyday and buy some more!

10) Chatting
Be it with friends or hubby, I love adult conversations (even if we're talking about raising children) and would really love to have more LIVE ones.

11) Chocolates
Namely... Maltesers, Ritter Sport (White chocolate and macadamia), Whittaker White, Cadbury White, and White Toblerone. I also love choco chip cookies and chocolate muffins... and Selecta Ice Cream's Hershey's Reese's.

12) Peanut Butter
Specifically, Lady's Choice Super Chunky... because I don't like any other peanut butter. Only that. But I now spend P1000 a month for spread and bread because I can eat a peanut butter sandwich all day! It's very weird actually that I am addicted to it now... hehe.

My SIL spent the weekend in Lipa and told me that only a handful of people, mostly the elderly, are attending the Flores de Mayo novena there.

With the advent of technology (internet and texting, even cable TV) and the arrival of malls, the youngsters from my father's hometown have more options during summer. Back then, people really looked forward to the pomp and grandeur of the Flores de Mayo (aside from summer league games) because it was an acceptable reason to be out and socialize. Especially for those looking for romance, it also served as the only way for young men and women to gather...

Now... those with crushes on my nieces and nephews can just text them, or post on their FB walls. Now, youngsters can hang out at the mall... or the growing number of resorts in the area... to be entertained. No more long hours of waiting till novena time, when you can fix yourself up to catch a glimpse of a crush as you sing novena songs... or as you wait to bring her home (even if you have to hold her grandmother's umbrella the whole time).

I find it sad, that kind of dance is now lost. And going back to religion, there is also no more of that belief and celebration of the divine... and how it's connected to your harvest.

... I, all too well, feel the excess weight on my body.

I could blame the muffin phase and late-night shows (I am only on Season 3 of Criminal Minds) and the resistance to exercise. I haven't even been practicing the Hallelujah eurythmic movements that I vowed to do everyday nor have I been faithful about teaching my son basic exercises. I have been a sloth and a pig so I am not at all surprised to be reading up on Zumba classes, pondering Pilates, mourning over breastfeeding benefits I have taken for granted and even looking up  arizona weight loss programs and metabolis boosting foods.

And by the way, the Transform You program is using HCG diet (yes, the pregnancy hormone!) which supposedly helps one lose unhealthy fat -- not just weight -- and recover one's old shape. I'd still combine that with exercise though, just so all systems (like breathing and digesting) are in good condition. Plus, exercise makes the skin glow.

My toes look like small sausages now. And my PMS symptoms are getting worse too. And I don't look good in my wonderful clothes anymore. So, yeah, yeah... it's time to really lose the excess weight. I know I won't feel worse with less meat on my bones :)

We got a new helper because my cousin was going abroad already and I needed someone to help me with the chores. We got her last Wednesday and she dutifully let my cousin teach her how things are done in our home. Friday, she even endeared herself to me a little bit by having initiative to really look after my firstborn in the playground... enough for my son to adore her for it.

Then, weirdly enough, as I was trying to put my youngest back to sleep last Saturday morning, she thought of taking two old cellphones I left lying downstairs... and left the house. She ran into my husband at the gate and pretended that she was going to buy some cellphone load. Hubby let 15 minutes or so pass before starting to look for her. In the end, she didn't return anymore... but all her things were still with us.

From what happened, we surmised that she may just have thought of borrowing my phones to meet someone, but meeting my husband at the gate prompted her to fear coming back. You know how one stupid decision sometimes has this domino effect of everything collapsing around you? I think that's what happened to her.

She gave the agency we got her from some lame excuse that she left because she felt embarassed that I was expecting her to cook... but that she also wants to come back. I just said, we'd return her things if she'd return my phones but we're never going to accept her back. How could we, with two little ones she might just leave behind on a whim.

Hubby finds her things lying around distateful so he started packing them in one big bag to throw away.  As hubs rummaged through her bags (in case there's something there of ours that we didn't know about),  I can tell that the things she left behind are all she has in the world... and then hubby found strips of newsprint. They were ads of men looking for girls with their numbers. One was even particular about being interested in promiscuous girls.

Hubs told me, such is the ruin of her promising life (because we already agreed that if she turned out smart and hardworking, we'd send her to the public college). I did notice she was texting a lot that Friday... I didn't think though that she was already planning dates and what-nots.

Texting... how easily it ruins lives sometimes. And to think I had warned her already that there are a lot of men who will take advantage of her. But well, she did also take advantage of us.

A part of me is wondering whether I should show her mercy and not press charges anymore... but what if she does it again? And the cellphones she took, though old, had great sentimental value to me. My old SUN phone contains 1000+ messages I couldn't delete... and now, I also cannot archive them anymore.

So, I'm sorry, but I will make sure you're never NBI cleared again.