MEComposing

UPSIDE
1) You get first dibs on elevators and comfort rooms. Lines will literally part before you.
2) Your husband is converted to a slave, nurse and personal assistant.
3) You get first dibs on food.
4) You get the pregnancy glow.
5) You have hormones to blame for every tear and every forgetfulness and clumsiness.
6) You bring forth a child.
7) Love grows within your marriage/family.

DOWNSIDE
1) It's expensive. From check-ups to supplements to ultrasounds to complications to the actual delivery... and when the baby comes, it just gets more expensive.
2) It's compromising.
3) You are left scarred... from the stretch marks to the episiotomy or CS scar.
4) You are deprived sleep.
5) It's painful in varying ways and intensities.
6) Once baby is born, you are more compromised and end up lacking more sleep.
7) You are overwhelemed with emotions... and become more weepy.




I think I better not continue lest this post turns into a rant. But the truth is, pregnancies are really scarring and life-changing. You are just simply never the same even if you end up miscarrying your baby.

A married woman can feel SINGLE again... if she's widowed or gets separated, annulled, divorced. But once a woman becomes pregnant, she becomes a parent. And after she's given birth, her heart will forever beat outside of her. And her perspective will forever have changed.

Anyway, I am still trying to settle into a new normal... everyday is a constant struggle to remain sane. The downsides to pregnancy are limitless to me and I have to literally point them out to myself again and again. But alas, I could never regret it for I am now tied to my child. I doubt I can ever see the world again as the wonderful place it is without him.

I am in love... scarred, but in love. I am changed. I have been raped and ravaged emotionally and physically. But I am in love.

*~*

Sorry if the post is SOC... I lack sleep.

These are my son's earliest ultrasounds... I think we ended up undergoing 14 of said procedure as my pregnancy was a difficult one and he had to be constantly monitored.

Anyway, like the rest of us, my son started out as no more than a gestational sac... then a fetal pole developed... and then heartbeat... and then the embryo that would become a fetus... that would develop skin and limbs and systems... that would be born as an infant... that would hopefully grow up.

My son's lucky... hubs and I, however imperfect and human, love him and vow to give him the best we can ever give. But no matter how much or how little we end up loving him, inspiring him, caring for him, teaching him... we are not given any guarantees as to whether he will grow up into someone we can be proud of.

For all our efforts, he could still choose to be an angry person. He could choose to be an unhappy person. He could grow up disappointed with the world and commit suicide. He could grow up and end up being a criminal. He could someday beat his wife, his kids, and who knows who else. He could be the next anti-Christ.

By the same principle, he could be the next President... or the next Pope... or the next Filipino Saint.

The point is... he could be anybody. He will be a product of his physiological limitations and natural skills and experiences and choices. But mostly, he will be a product of his choices.



*~*

Apart from nature making sure only the fittest are born, and situations where a pregnancy endangers the life of a mother... I could never support abortion. It is essentially, to me, a deprivation of the right to be anybody.

Sure, it's sad that there aren't more people choosing to be happy and productive. Sure, more criminals and corrupt officials and unhappy mothers and unfaithful fathers and ungrateful kids paint a picture of a sad society... and we do have a population problem. It is just really out of control.

But the minute fertilization occurs... life begins. Sure, a gestational sac is only just a sac, but it will be created especially for the unique individual it's preparing for. And all of us started like that...

so really... how dare any of us say that we have the right to not give any life a chance to find him/herself someday in a position to choose what he/she will make of his/her life?

*~*

I am all for contraceptives however... I do not put premium on possibilities when there isn't a fact of conception yet.

Pondering all my years in this lifetime, I cannot help but feel like a distant observer at some points in my life. How could I have been so unhappy and angry and lost and just plain ridiculous? :)

But then again, all those angst-ridden years worked itself out in the end to bring me to ME... to this ME that's happy and fulfilled and hopeful.

Some plans I made for myself paid off... like not getting pregnant or marrying way before I was prepared for the challenges, and deserving of its rewards.

And because i've chosen well where it counts, forces are conspiring and making everything fall into place.

The first ten years of my life... I was an unhappy child with a happy enough childhood. I was blessed with mental stimulation, escape from things that disappointed me, material things that would sustain me, and a sort of love that, though I found wanting, will still always be more than what others have enjoyed. And being the eldest child will forever cloak me with certain favors and expectations that would facilitate my becoming self-possessed.

The second ten years of my life... was tumultuous and basically involved, wasted, focused, spent on finding answers to questions I have not phrased well. Thus, the wandering. But still, I had the time of my life. I had friends, I had admirers. Despite the acne and the thinness, I never felt ugly... even in times of rejection. I also got a glimpse of what true love can be.

The last ten years so far... have been spent on ridding myself of the angst and the drama that drove me to stupid, self-defeating scenarios... and formulating my questions well so I can get the answers I was seeking. I guess I got so good in formulating some of these questions that they answered themselves :) The last two years have particularly seen me go through the most painful, the most beautiful, the most life-defining, the most humbling times of my life... and the privilege of being loved and having loved has seen me through.

So now I can't help but be very optimistic of the next years ahead. I am aware that my troubles will be more dire, more serious, more gut-wrenching... but I also know that the rewards can more than compensate for all the times that i'd cry.

It's true... once you decide for sure where you want to go, the journey becomes a little more clearer and easier. The road even sometimes seems to be paved in gold, with street signs directing you to shortcuts and invaluable sidetrips to further enrich the trip.

Life has been good to me, despite the scars and the souvenirs, my spirit has triumphed... and I have the luxury of still being able to dance my way thru life.

So I thank the greater force that has kept me safe and healthy and that has blessed me so... and I thank all the friends and foes that have enriched my life with lessons I wouldn't have learned otherwise...

*~*

The only thing I can really wish for now is a safe, non-CS delivery that will deliver a healthy baby to me and my husband's arms.

(but ok, I wouldn't say no to material things... wehehehe, but even a brand-new DSLR cannot make my heart skip a beat these days)