MEComposing

Oh so wrong!

And oh, the sweetness for once of being wrong. The mixed emotions of how being wrong is just so right. The irrepresible desire to shout for joy, the reality of sadnesses and goodbyes, the overwhelming changes that are to come, and how essentially things will remain the same. I am scared. Unprepared. But most of all, I am blessed. Again.

Here's to a greater adventure ahead, and more evolution and reinvention for me.

Truth be told, I am officially 16 days delayed.

And then I got all woozy and down and weak and headachy Sunday night. I woke up 3 AM Monday morning with a migraine. I had to barf and generally just lie down and sleep the rest of the day. I had to back out of a prospective interview with an employer (for a part-time, at-home gig) and a dinner with CWL friends. And hubs had to stay home from work.

But despite being delayed, I am still positive that I am feeling this bad because of PMS and not because I am pregnant. Always, delays or irregularities in my period gets my temper rising, and my body breaking down. To think I never had to suffer from cramps or whatever growing up. But now this. This!!!

Men will never know how women can be at the mercy of their hormones. I know being overweight doesn't help. And an irregular sleep cycle also doesn't help. But I am only 32 and not even stressed by work, so these hormone surges and dips are really traumatic. My productivity as a person is being affected. I am even having weird dreams! Grrr.

This is pure rant, I know. It really sucks, how I feel.

My Comfort Zone
By Author Unknown

I used to have a comfort zone
where I knew I wouldn't fail.
The same four walls and busywork
were really more like jail.

I longed so much to do the things I'd never done before,
But stayed inside my comfort zone and paced the same old floor.

I said it didn't matter that I wasn't doing much.
I said I didn't care for things like commission checks and such.
I claimed to be so busy with the things inside the zone,
But deep inside I longed for something special of my own.

I couldn't let my life go by just watching others win.
I held my breath; I stepped outside and let the change begin.
I took a step and with new strength I'd never felt before,
I kissed my comfort zone goodbye and closed and locked the door.

If you're in a comfort zone,
afraid to venture out,
Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt.
A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true.

Reach for your future with a smile;
success is there for you!

Before I thought it was the change from working to not, and then getting deluged with the many challenges of parenting and finding value in that.

I started another masteral degree when I wasn't ready so I dropped it. Turned out, I just wasn't passionate about it.

Because when I am passionate about something, I do bend backwards for it.

I found FSL. And I renewed my involvement in other worthwhile causes, in other things I really feel strongly about.

Now, I am contributing to sites, writing about topics that interest me. I even sometimes write for magazines as well.

And I have been attending more blogger events.

And yet I still feel caged. Lost. Useless.

I still feel like am only going through the motions... that something else should be happening and I am in this alternate reality where I don't belong.

I feel something bigger is out there calling me, needing me, right for me... but I don't know how to get to it because I can't really say what it is.

I hate feeling that I am just existing. That i'm still not feeling productive despite all these things I am doing.

I am really lost again. I need a higher purpose. I am neither really happy nor content about myself. I feel I should be doing something more... something else.

*~*

Okay, maybe this is PMS talking.

Last February, I attended an HIV/AIDS forum at Starbucks with two gay friends, one of whom was HIV-positive. Basically, we just giggled the time away talking about sex, other gays, gay practices, crushes (theirs) and the possibility that other people we know may be gay.

But when I got back home, it hit me. I could easily have been one of those who got HIV from just one night of passion, or carelessness. I was lucky, I was involved in an NGO teaching about reproductive health for many years. So I was always careful. Plus, I was mostly in a relationship all my life. I never really did the singles scene. And casual sex, f*ck buddy systems, organized orgies, swinging, etc.... all those didn't really take off till I was already in my 20s. Who knows how things could have been different if I had access to casual sex already at age 15, like kids now? Who knows how things could have been different if internet (and with it, chat rooms, social networking sites, cam to cam eks) was already booming when I was just a rebellious teen with raging hormones?

I might not have chosen wisely.

And all it takes for HIV to spread sexually is one moment of trust and carelessness. Wives and girlfriends certainly trust their partners to be clean. Men generally assume that a lovely girl is clean, or they get too confident of their immunity. Having HIV happens only to sex workers and gays is the popular opinion after all?

But what happens when there are actually a lot of men, with gfs and wives, who actually dabble in same-sex trysts?

And what happens when more and more marriages are long distance relationships, with either the wife or husband taking on a f*ck buddy to fulfill sexual needs?

What happens when it's common for guys to pay girls for sex? Sex workers don't just work in clubs anymore, they're even studying really serious subjects in UP. A lot are in college, a lot have good lives and are well-provided for. But somewhere along the way, these girls have confused women empowerment with a lack of dignity. Some cases are sadder, because it's just having more spending money for stuff like a new LV bag and Chloe jeans rather than having to provide food for a family.

And any sexually active person can get HIV from just one night of forgetting to use a condom. One can even be unlucky and have a condom break.

How will a young adult, in his productive years, fare then? Where will he work? How will his parents accept this? Will he ever have a chance to build a home and family of his own? Will he be forever ostracized while also fighting for his immune system to always work?

And even the most promiscuous of them all... don't they deserve a second chance to contribute good to society?

*~*

My friend Eric's photo was posted in a blog and he was outed as a person with AIDS. He is a person with HIV. But more than that, he is a PERSON with dignity, with people who love him, with feelings that can be hurt.

Cyber bullying people like him, who have changed for the better because of their condition, who are actually doing more good NOW than they did before, is not helping this country move forward.

Shame to those who just want to exploit people like him. Shame to them.

And yes, I don't know how the fight started. I just know that it's still wrong to out people like him. Not when we have such a long way to go in actually helping people like him and possibly saving our kids in the future.

I came from a blogger event sponsored by Ipanema, which was launching its new Giselle Bundchen Colorful Sea Collection. Every new collection is tied up with a cause and this one was ocean life.

They had a speaker earlier on climate change and they showed that clip to us. Of course, I felt ashamed. It's true what the speaker said: climate change is not the future anymore, it is the here and now. And after Ondoy, what have people actually done to prevent another one?

Have we started bringing our own water bottles, or do we still buy mineral water every time we go out?

Have we started switching lights off when not in use?

Have people started carpooling or commuting more instead of bringing their own cars?

Are we throwing our garbage properly?

Are we reusing and recycling?

Are we grilling election cxandidates for specific plans and strategies to protect the environment?

Are we lobbying for our forests?

Are we saving water?


The speaker said (sorry I didn't catch his name) that Kamanava area has sunk 1.5 meters in the past two years. Malate has sunk .5 meters. There is already a water shortage in Cebu. Most of our ports, even our airports and roads are in danger areas because of poor planning and the effects of climate change. Half of the rain we get go out to sea, unutilized by us for power and consumption.

Ondoy affected all of us because our homes got flooded and some of our friends lost loved ones. But the most drastic change people did was to leave their lovely villages behind to start fresh somewhere else. Companies continue sponsoring tree-planting activities without making sure that the trees planted live. More and more beverages are coming out using plastic material. There is still a lack of recyling facilities and we have yet to make something of the rains that devastate our country more and more each year. We also continue using farming and forest lands to build villages and townhomes in (hello people voting for Villar).

We talk about El Niño and complain about the heat. But what have we done? Were we even changed by the Ondoy tragedy at all?

I was really ashamed to answer that my token efforts are good... but I can do more. I must do more if my child is to enjoy something of this country when he grows up.

It is my parents' wedding anniversary today. They celebrate 33 years of togetherness, a union fraught with its own unique trials and very personal rewards. It makes me smile when I think about all those times when I was young, watching them fight, praying that they just break up. My goal was limited to no fights at home... am glad they persevered however, even if they're both growing harder to have around. And am glad not because my family is intact, but because I am realizing just how much it requires for a marriage to work.

And that a 'working marriage' is relative. Overall, however, I feel my parents are happier and more fulfilled because they decided to stick it out with each other.

*~*

In a counseling case earlier, I was reminded of how it literally tears a parent up when, despite all their best intentions and careful upbringing, a child will grow up choosing something destructive. It can be a life of crime, a life of hedonistic pleasure, destructive relationships or chemical abuse.

I posted in my FB that I "hope that if the time comes that my son will choose something I totally disagree with, that I'd have the grace to accept that it's not because of my parenting; the courage to let him live his own life and learn from his mistakes; and the wisdom to know when to let go..."

*~*

Through the years I have hurt my parents a lot. I can't even imagine having a child like me. But they are still there for me, and I have learned to be there for them. I'm happy that our relationship didn't end with me making them feel unimportant, their love invalidated, all their sacrifice wasted. I hope, despite the turbulent adolescence, I am now making them feel rewarded for as parents.

My Dad is flying back to the US.

My SIL also left for abroad for a six-month gig, leaving behind her son's care to my brother.

I can't help but imagine bad things... like having to pitch in for my nephew's care. And that stresses me. Haha.

I know that things may not necessarily turn out bad... but our dynamics are sure to change and my brother has yet to surprise even himself with better parenting. And of course, since my nephew is a breastfed boy who's turning two in 2 weeks, I can't help but feel for him, all the separation anxiety and terrible two tantrums...

God help me manage my stress. Please.

And help me be a better aunt and mom. A better person.