MEComposing

I lost my wallet today. Or it was stolen. I'm pretty sure I didn't drop it because I never put it out when I was out, so I'm sure it was 'picked' from my bag while I was busy with something else. Maybe when I was just talking to my son. Maybe when I dozed off for a while. I dunno.

And as luck would have it, it contained P10k.

P5k of which was meant for my sons' party entertainment, which I meant to deposit in the bank today so I don't end up spending the money on anything else. Ironic, isn't it?

The rest is money intended for this weekend and the coming week... from cab fares to shopping for treats (Yakee's once a week treat of a popsicle after class while I get ensaymada), to allowance for going to Play Pilipinas and the field trip. I brought all the money because I was also buying Cetaphil lotion and I didn't think to leave the rest.

And now, all's gone.

And I am sad, of course.

But in a way, I feel relieved... because it could have been worse. I could have lost the P40k I withdrew the other day.

And I guess I can't really feel an overwhelming loss because the money was basically intended for wants. WANTS.

We'd still have food this week. I didn't lose the HMO cards so we could still have the checkups we're scheduled for next week. The credit card companies will be only too happy to replace my cards, and the cards haven't been charged by the thied (I really think he just threw away the wallet after getting the money, without checking the secret compartment). The only hassle would be having the EON card replaced. I may need Cetaphil for my eczema, but it's not like I have a loved one in the hospital needing the money.

That's the silver lining. It may be some weird way of making me realize that I am still blessed. P10k is not a deal breaker for me. I still have a biscotti in the ref to cheer me up.

Of course, it's a stressor for me and hubs since we'd need money for our wants... but at least, they're wants. Not needs. We're in a place where we can have so many wants. I know other people aren't so lucky. I now other people would need to work for two or three months just to earn that.

Which brings me to me... I am not earning money. Now, I may have to... because I was the one who lost the money.

*~*

I just realized that my engagement and wedding rings were in the wallet I lost.

Now, I feel weak.

I met you about 15 years ago. You were surly, weird (artistic and talented, but weird), hairy and non-fashionable, always late, uncompromising, idealistic.... You were also generally cool, steady, funny, smart and no matter how much you despised our girly drama, you were our friend. I like to think you even acted as a sort of big brother to me.

I only really knew that part of you. Talking to your wife at your wake, I couldn't help but find it both sad and beautiful that in you was a loving husband and father as well, one I really didn't get to see/meet since we've all generally lost touch. It would have been nice to see how fatherhood could have tempered your tongue and mellowed your stare. It would have been nice trading parenting tricks with you. It would have been nice to have stopped being a 'younger sis' to you and be equals for once (after all, I now have two kids!).

When I heard the news that you passed away already... I was really torn between being sad for your family who has to go on without you, and relieved for you because your pains have come to an end.

A song that you wrote and that we used to sing all those days ago when we were active in peer counseling keeps playing in my mind.

"Narito ako, kaibigan ko.
Narito ako, handang maglingkod sayo.
Tawagan moko, sasamahan kita
Tawagan moko, hindi ka na nag-iisa."

I wasn't much of a friend to you in your last days... but maybe, this song will remind me to be a friend to your wife and son from hereon. I told hubs that someday, I will buy your son his own guitar... because I would want him to continue your legacy of music, poetry and art.

You were surly, weird and not fashionable. But your wife is right... you were a good man. People will always remember you as one... and I am grateful that I have had the privilege of knowing you, learning from you, being touched by your life.

This has got to be my first birthday ever that I didn't have cake. And ice cream.

In a way, that is sad... not really because of the cake and ice cream (we could easily have gotten one) but because it really means I am all grown up. Some concerns I have cannot be fixed by ice cream and cake anymore. And my birthday, although I am thankful for it, is now really just another day in my series of days of growing and being.

And there are more pressing things on my mind.

Like my sons, who need me, and are reacting negatively to my bad mood.

And my bad mood... mainly because I think I still feel choiceless and limited with what I have chosen, instead of empowered and enlightened.

And my sudden penchant for multi-wear.

And the eczema on my hands. It pains me to do the simplest tasks like type this, or caress/carry my sons.

And that great question again of where do I go next, considering I already have plans and actually could start homeschooling already.

Sigh.

It's my birthday today and I am pondering if I am serving my life purpose. I even asked hubs to go to a Christian worship... in pursuit of answers.

I can't say I'm lost because I know what I want and I know some of the ways to get there. But I feel... diminished. Deflated.

I only pray I finally put myself to better use.

And I am thankful that I got someone who is pushing me to keep my word on a supposed birthday gift to myself: finally write a storybook.

AAL IZZ WELL.