MEComposing

Had a massage here in the office.... finally, after a weekend of feeling dead.. I felt alive again, with my sarong cradled in my arms to cover my breasts... lying or sitting there... with hands wooing the uptight muscles of my back and legs...

Ahhh.... reprieve....

*~*

Half-asleep... was startled awake with the thought, "Who the heck is teasing my p_s_y?!"

And fortunately and unfortunately, it was just the masseusse :)

it's sad...

to have your memory so betrayed

so cheapened

so easily set aside, and thrown away

The weird thing about tonight and this weekend.... I have been real sad.... and dejected... and insecure...

And capping it all off with a fight with my Mom... the only thing I wanna do right now is... err... uhm... M.....

Sigh

Have I utterly destroyed the essential lovable and love-worthy me? Have I really made my life a mess... that I do not amount to anything at all anymore... and will not be deserving of any man... and of the dream to while away my future days raising a family... ?

Does anyone here remember those dolls that came out during the late 1980's... infant-size with a pacifier in their mouths... you take away the pacifier and the doll would give off this very real-baby-like crying sound?

Anyway... my sister had one from babyhood... and we've been able to preserve it. And at age 17... she still plays with it. One time... when we found her baptism clothes, she had both clothes and doll washed... and propped them up in my Mom's bedroom (where she sleeps)... much to the chagrin of the household...

It was real creepy talaga...

And now she's sitting in front of the TV, watching the UAAP games, with that darned doll cradled in her arms as if it was a real infant.

And come Monday again... my cousin who is taking up nursing... will be borrowing the doll and using it for lab practice. (the doll is kept in a locker the rest of the week)

Then come Friday again.. my sister will be sleeping with the doll again....

And again, is it just me or isn't something weird in my home???

Wow...

A guy tells you he's willing to give up everything for you, because he loves you. And you look at him and considering what a nice man you know he is, you make room in yourself to believe what he's saying.

And then, he kisses another girl in front of you.

And even if you're not holding him to his declaration of love... you cannot help but be more cynical about it.

And then later on, he insists on bringing you home... and because he could feel waves and waves of displeasure emanating from you... he apologizes for insisting to accompany you home...

And you get more insulted that... well... he didn't find anything out of whack with embracing some other woman.

He even tells you that woman knows how much he loves you. And again, giving him the benefit of the doubt that their lips aren't actually locking when their heads are tilted a certain angle.... there is still the fact that you don't talk to 'buddies' that way.

And you, in all your weird kind of kindness.... even ask yourself if you'd been malicious... if actually, them hugging together that way was just an ordinary thing to do.

But then again, you're reminded of the fact that though you sometimes lean your head on your labskis' shoulders/chest, you don't actually talk to them with your face so close in front of their faces... and you don't lean too much towards them... and more than that, you don't do that in front of any other guy who you know has feelings for you, regardless of whether you return those feelings or not...

Isn't it just basic etiquette after all to not cause pain as much as you can?

And so, you're offended. You're insulted. And you lose some more faith in men.

I have been neglecting my blog, I Know... then again, am still depressed with my old template not being replaced, still too stubborn to learn how to change it, still lacking friends who'd offer to do it for me...

ahehehe

btw... am not really a duncan shiek fan... but i liked his HALF-LIFE song... when i heard it last night...

And i don't wanna be living my life just half-fully