MEComposing

This is bad...

Had a really bad allergy attack last night... and I don't have anyone to gripe to... Not anyone... Nobody...

Well, at least, nobody who'd give more than the token "GET WELL SOON"...

And it's not that I want someone to be worrying over me needlessly... but of course it makes me feel good somehow to know that someone else feels bad because i'm running a fever and not sleeping yet...

Or that am miserable...

Pahabol Hirit for the bed weather...

I have tied someone up. I have blindfolded someone up. I have tied and blindfolded someone up.

But now, I'm wondering if it will send a man reeeling into heights of pleasures he's never attained before... if... he's standing in front of me... and i'm kneeling in front of him... just lapping on his balls... just enjoying his maleness... exploring him, pleasuring him, teasing him, making him beg... making him moan... my mouth clamped on his cock while my hands are tied behind me and my eyes are blindfolded.

Hmmmm....

There goes a saying, something to the effect that...

FOOD IS NOT SOMETHING YOU FILL YOURSELF WITH WHEN YOU'RE FEELING EMPTY.

Anyway, to heck with that... I've recently found myself always hungry and always having cravings unstatisfied...

And so, I miss my ex.

It's bad, I know.

But he was a person who would always lament and grieve when I skip meals. He was one person who'd always shower me with cravings and favorite stuff. He was one person who would always insist on what I want to eat when we go out. He was one person who'd forego a lot of things, even nookie or a movie date, as long as I can eat satisfactorily. He would even spend hard-earned money on just feeding me. And even when it's really ok that we not eat, he'd be devastated. He'd always tell me that he feels useless when he's not able to feed me... to provide for that very basic need and pleasure.

Nobody has been feeding me lately. And because I'm feeling all kinds of insecure and sad... it's really nice to be fed sana...

And it's not that I don't appreciate the Kitkats and token WCs given me by friends...

But it's not the same.

With my ex, my stomach was my heart and he took great care of that.

I miss my ex.

(Besides, there is something very intimate about sharing a meal with a loved one...)

The household was kept awake by my nephew's incessant crying, which started at roughly 2 am and only really ceased around 7 am...

I left him wrapped in his baby blanket and nestled on my cousin's bosom... sniffling and whimpering from exhaustion... finally falling asleep... feeling every bit the misery of desertion and a mother's absence but unable yet to comprehend what it is. Just that, in his own small way, he's hurt by it.

(Nope, my hipag didn't leave him for good... she just flew to Davao for two weeks to work)

pa-gripe

GRIPE No. 1

My birthday is coming up. Yeah, it's not due for another month but still, it's coming up soon. And again, I'm battling with 'gift' issues again.

I'm real sorry, it's the only time of the year that I actually expect gifts from friends. Or letters/cards. I can't help it... supposedly I know a lot of people and am involved in a lot of other people's lives... but when my birthday comes along... everyone is just either too busy to come to my party (which, before, i'd even schedule according to THEIR schedules... good thing i've stopped that na) and everyone is just too broke to give me anything.

And then, i'd sometimes attend a party of someone else... and i'd see heaps and heaps of useless, expensive gifts and I think to myself... how come she's getting them when am nicer than her?

It's bad enough that often in my life din, even if I am in a relationship, my birthday would find me on a tentative break with the guy (thus, no birthday date/treat and gift).

Am I not worth stuffed toys? (Ok, in a sane mood, i'm not fond of them naman nga... also flowers).

But it's not really the gift per se... It's the fact that people take time to spend money on me... or save money for me... or exert extra effort for me.

And I really sometimes hate it that I'm easily taken for granted by the people I care about.

Then again, I must probably not that much of a friend really... since Ate Ene, who IS a good friend, used to get heaps and heaps of treats for her birthday... why, she didn't even need to spend anything and a party is always secured pa rin... and i've always said, it's because she's a great friend.

Ok fine, am no great friend. Sigh.



GRIPE No. 2

I'm cool with being one of the boys... but then it sometimes suck because I get inconvenienced along with them as they cater to feminine wiles and whims and tardiness and fickle minds...

The other thing that sucks is... I'd see them travel in the late hours of the night to fetch some girl... but absolutely refuse to say, offer me a ride home. It sucks when the same man who would not allow this female friend to walk some 5 minutes to Mega Mall will find nothing wrong with say, letting me walk over to some other place that was convenient for the other girl. It sucks when you bend over backwards to make sure you don't hurt their feelings... but will allow themselves to be used in all ways possible by some other damsel in seeming distress.

And dare you point out the highly-selective treatment? Of course not. And if you point it out to others, you run the risk of having them tell you that... hello, you're not pretty, so why should you get free dinner?

Man...

THIS PERSON had the gall to plagiarize material OFF my blogfriends' online journals...

So far, she only copied my August 10 post... which was just a rambling really.... but my gosh, she also copied a lot of articles and posts off other journals...

It's such a violation and I want everyone to know about it. Sayang, she can write naman.

Had my first ever Tarot Card reading done last night. It felt good to have beliefs about myself confirmed... and affirmed. I wasn't told anything really new or surprising (and the man who read my cards was the one actually suprised, knowing me a little the way he does).

It also felt sad... to have certain suspicions shaped in words you have been seeking for the longest time.

And anytime soon in the coming days, I know, i'd be crying for the innocence I seem to have completely lost.

And on a more personal note... it grieves me a little more to realize yet again, how greatly I am capable of loving still... but no longer being capable of keeping faith.

Hope will always be there. But faith... it no longer is. The total lack of romantic illusions and the generally very realistic view of how men are, of how they will treat women and what things they can do in the name of and inspite of love... consumes me right now...

Faith can only exist in NOT KNOWING. That's my tragic flaw, I know, and therefore, there are some things I can no longer be... and can no longer give...