MEComposing

~ spoilers of sorts ahead ~

Seriously, I was not that curious about the Mall of Asia. In fact, I was more interested with the Gateway Mall and their movie theater/s where you can have popcorn and soda all you want, and sit on love/reclining seats (or so I was told).

But JRA wanted us to go on a date there yesterday so off we went.

It was indeed massive. Colossal. Overwhelming. One needs at least two days to go around all the shops.

It's nice to see the not-so-usual shops and restos there... and I told my husband that we could try and make it our thing... to eat at all the food places there. Might take us years before we can accomplish that (because MoA is just out out of our way) ahehe.

Dinner was at Bangus because i've always wondered about that resto (being obssessed with milkfish). And dang, was I disappointed! I really thought their menu was dedicated solely (or mostly) to milkfish but the stuff they offer could be found in places like Pancake House, Gerry's Grill, etc. Plus, their paksiw na bangus wasn't that delicious. The one I buy from our canteen tastes even better, and that's saying a lot (since it's our cafeteria here at work we're talking about). What I liked best from the food we ordered? Sirloin Tapa! Like hello!? :D

Anyway, we both didn't know that you had to buy tickets in advance for the IMAX showing of Superman. Again, I wasn't yet real interested to watch a movie in an IMAX theater (and was willing to wait for the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie slated for July 2007) and I don't think i've watched any Superman movies (maybe bits of all the movies... I just knew Christopher Reeve was dashing) so i was just not excited, although I was ok with the idea. Twas JRA that got disappointed :)

Anyway, we watched the 9:40 PM showing at Cinema 2. And the movie WAS great. I knew it garnered good reviews but I was really impressed. I got lost a lot of times not knowing sh!t about Superman and any of the previous movies but the P150 was well worth it. Of course, all the special effects and what-nots were seamless. They really tried to make this new Superman look like Reeve. Kevin Spacey was awesome, as usual. The one who played Kitty was also great, in her weird, far-out way. Kate Bosworth can act (looks like the thin version of Katherine Heigl to me). You can get carried away with all the super-ness Superman was doing... he could even touch soil with Kryptonite.

And in the end one cannot help but wonder, if his son is immune to Kryptonite, what would he be called when he grows up? Super-DuperMan? :)

Around 3 weeks ago, my friend Ajay introduced Kopi Buns to me. The buns were being served at the Casino (Hyatt Manila) and she said they're also sold at Mall of Asia. So when JRA said we're going there, I told him we have to find Kopi Roti and buy some buns. Kopi Roti is at the South Parking side of the Mall of Asia. Other branches could be found at Tomas Morato and Katipunan and NAIA terminals. It's actually a Singaporean offering, and the Kopi Buns sell at P35.00 ea. We bought six. And even my colleagues LOVED it.

Anyway, hopefully I can return to the mall with JRA because we found this shop selling indoor games and DVD games (Landes?) and we've always wanted some for our home.

Obviously, it's been more than ten days since I last posted here. I actually have a very serious entry idea in my head... but maybe i'd post that someday.

Meanwhile, I had a blast going dancing at Makati Shang last Thursday... and amazed that I can still move and grind. I've been harboring the belief that my knees can no longer support me, see. I was so happy about going dancing, I ended up doing a lot of naughty things from the high I got from that one!

And this Fiday, I shall revisit the HipHop scene with friends at Decades.

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I love dancing on ledges... but I never ran with the ledge dancers and stripped. And it's not because I wasn't pretty or endowed enough (because i've seen some of the girls who strip, and can say that our former helper is indeed more blessed in the looks and asim department) or I wasn't brave enough (after all, with hooting, inebriated men, you can't really go THAT wrong)... it's just not one of the many ways I express my exhbitionistic tendencies.

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This man is holding an exhibit all July. Let's be proud and support our fellow Pinoy :)

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The Canon EOS 350D sells for only P38,000 now at R. Hidalgo. Dang!!!

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An athlete colleague and husband were involved in a car accident. Her ribs punctured her lung and there's little feeling in her legs. I'm feeling so much for her because I can just imagine how scary things are for her right now, not being able to move.

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I'm still gaining weight and the hormonal imbalance thing is totally wreaking havoc with my metabolism and complexion. Grrr. Buti na lang I have a mighty fine (so what if it's also wide, mwehehe) ass. :D

... if you're the type of woman who:
1) believes his tales that they are separated (even if further questions would tell you that they actually see their wife still, every day, or actually live with their wife pa)
2) believes his tales that he doesn't love his wife and was just forced into the marriage (and actually feel sorry for him for being a 'victim' of an unhappy marriage and a b!tch of a woman... but of course, further questions will unearth the fact that they actually still f*ck)
3) doesn't care about his civil status
4) actually prefers married guys (you know, they're just so appealing because you know they're attached and it feels kinkier because you're supposedly sinning... or because they have more money and seem more worldly than their single counterparts... or because you're actually afraid of commitments and prefer them because they can't ever pressure you to commit)

as i was saying, the problem with married men who proposition women for sex is that... though they seem to be more skilled in bed (none of that panting eagerness you associate with boys, and more of that deliberate confidence that he will be the master of you, if only for that time)... and though they seem to have more money indeed (chances are, they're older, hold higher positions at work, can leave the office for trysts anytime of the day, drive their own cars, have more connections)... and though they're generally more mature (they can listen to your rants, know the right things to say, don't easily cater to your tantrums, are gentler, more mellow, have a greater world-view, have done more travelling, etc)... they're still just USING YOU.

Most of the private messages I get from married men propositioning me come down to one thing: satisfying his sexual fantasy. And most of them want 3somes. Or all the things their wifewon't allow, or the wife makes them work for. It's not really about how turned on he is by you (because if he's already cheating on his wife, chances are, he's turned on by a lot of women easily)... it's always more how he thinks he can easily convince you to give in to his wishes. He thinks you're easy and you're there and here he is so why not?

Some men are real suave, and able to give you the time of your life (in bed). Some can get you thinking that it was your idea in the first place, to be tied up and kneeling in front of him all day. Some are actually good in making a woman feel guilty... that here he is, risking his marriage for you, and you sit there hemming and hawing like a teenage girl (the possibility of you being a teenage girl isn't important)... or that there he was, just looking for friends and you got him hot... and you're having second thoughts. Some would even go out of their way to woo you, make you feel extra special because girls who feel special make love with abandon... some even really make you fall for them because it feeds their ego and it makes sex easier to be got...

And after the time he has with you (grand or not), he moves on to the next woman. You become a statistic in his bed... one of those he conquered behind his wife's back. And he demands more from the next woman... how about a foursome? How about an orgy? How about sleeping with sisters?

And then you get rationalizing everything... it was just a fling... it was something casual etc. etc. But you get poisoned inside... because you know you won't be so dismissive and forgiving of what happened if it was your husband that slept with some other woman.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

- Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt

journeys end in lovers meeting, supposedly. But what happens when a relationship ends? Where do you go from where he/she said goodbye?

*~*

Guys can be weird sometimes. They won't commit to you. There won't be avowals of love and forever. There won't be flowers. You get to pay your own way in dinners and movies. You get introduced as a friend. You're even teased to other guys.

And yet, the sexual encounters are as passionate and regular as the convesations, e-mails, text messages exchanged. But of course, since there are no grand gestures moving towards commitment, you assume that you ARE just f*ck buddies... you assume that this IS a meantime relationship.

And when you've gone out of your way to seek a partner you know you deserve, someone who speaks of forever and marriages and family... someone who isn't scared of making plans with you and for you... after you've transcended what you thought was a temporary, superficial, seasonal relationship for something more... you learn of the truth.

His weirdness. His quiet fantasies of you having a child together. That child already having a name, a cute combination of both your names. His dreams where he does household chores for you. His plans of going someplace with you. His goal of introducing you to his Mother. His secret anxiety for his Mother to approve of you. His belief that you will make the best Mother. His belief that he cannot make love to anybody else. His belief that you hold the key to his soul. His trust that he can be himself with you. That he loves you. And needs you. And wants to be with you.

*~*

Girls can be weird sometimes. Here's a guy in love with you, and accepts you for who you are. Here's a guy wiling to commit to you and brings you flowers and gives you a backrub. He makes plans with you, includes you in his life, gets involved in yours. And yet you shun this gift for someone who doesn't always give you the time of day. For someone who's hurt you many times before. For someone you don't really trust to care enough for you.

You put your happiness in the hands of someone who never deserved the honor, who cannot really rise up to the challenge. You may be rewarded sometimes, but memories of how loved the other guy used to make you feel keep haunting you.

*~*

There are no hard and fast rules in a relationship.

I fell majorly in love with someone even after meeting JRA and enjoying his love. Who knows how many times i've let JRA go. There were two other times when I really imagined a future with someone else... or at least longed to have a real chance at love with someone else. But I didn't stick around long enough to wait for them to make up their minds. I knew then that I loved them. That I could love them forever, given a chance. And yet, for me, it's either they want to be with me or not. I felt that if they couldn't make that choice then, they would never make a choice in my favor. So I let them go.

JRA fell in love with me and never let go. He stayed through the times when my heart beat someone else's name. Everybody said, even I, that he deserved someone better. He had much love to give and therefore should get much love in return.

But Life is wiser far than we. Given our situations before, who would say that we'd still end up happy?

*~*

I just recently found out that a friend used to beat up his girlfriend... this on top of cheating on her in their love nest.

I cannot manage hate for the man... not because he's my friend, but because they've separated... and I feel more pity for him. I just know that in the end, he wouldn't be happy. And since he hasn't been taking good care of himself, I can't help but think he'd die alone... and soon.

I also cannot manage pity for the woman... not because what happened to her isn't sad... but because the greater question I have that she needs to answer (for herself) is: what stopped her from loving and honoring herself? And eventhough she's still depressed and bitter and feeling lost, I have no doubt that she'd end up happy someday. She finally has a chance at real happiness... and I intend to be with her till she has it.

*~*

I have been totally remiss in visiting my links and blog friends. I am sorry. And I have no excuse.

Meanwhile, updates on Py are here.

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Jaejaym thank you for the mp3.

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Happy long weekend everyone. I shall brave a swimsuit shot tomorrow while I frolick with my husband and our youngest siblings in Laiya.

Maybe because Py has cancer and is being operated on today, and because my colleague just had his late husband's 40th day... and maybe because i've always had a weird fascination over death...

I started Friday last week asking JRA if he wants me to do all I can to text him a final, "I LOVE YOU" even when am all bloodied and dying.

And then colleagues and I got to talking about death, how families deal with it, how one prepares for death in the family, how costly it can be (average of P100,000 for the funeral services and plot), how it can bring out what's good in your family (my colleague was just made to sit with her late husband while her family took care of everything, contacting funeral service, cooking, etc without even asking her first if she can pay them), how you should discuss such with your spouse (I do) and siblings (we don't), etc.

Hubby and I can't help but discuss such things... we're eldests. We expect (unrealistic probably) that when the inevitable death of a parent comes on our doors, we can let the remaining parent and the rest of our siblings just grieve. It's not some here complex going on, it's just usually the case, what more, JRA being a man. That's why it's also important right now for us to be there for our respective families, so that we can command authority and respect for our decision-making capabilities in times of crisis.

And then a visit to Py yields other what-ifs in me. What if, Fate deciding to be a little more cruel, takes away my brother, or SIL, or both as my brother fetches my SIL on his motorcycle? I'd have to get Py (because SIL's siblings already have kids)... and will JRA support that (he gave me a you-have-to-ask look and asked me, "Am I not his godfather?")?

And then I feel sad that I or my brother could die, and we still wouldn't be best friends. The damage wrought by my parents' favoritism and our own family dynamics is just too deep... and i've long since accepted that I don't have a choice about loving my brother, but that we'd also never be close.

And of course, I cannot imagine losing my sister.

And then I went asking my husband to take care of my siblings when I die, same way that I intend to take care of his. Because again, we're firstborns.

And of course, i'd be inconsolable if I ever lose my husband.

Death... it's a gripping world all its own.

And yes, what a somber way to start my week... but my brother and sister and SIL are all going crazy in the hospital... and I'm going crazy here... and i'm sorry to suspect that somewhere in the US, my Mom is also going crazy with fear and worry.