9:10 AM Wednesday, February 04, 2004


A friend I were chatting last week, just making kulitan really about nudie pics and lesbian stories involving pubescent girls fingerly stimulated by a mature mentor as they fish in a river on sunny afternoons (aside: i am seriously not posting the pic of me reading that book, but I tell you, it's one really erotically-articulate photo)

Anyway, she told me how her former flame told her recently that she's no longer the best sexual experience of her life (yeah, yeah, both women, them), which of course nicked my friend's ego. And thus, we started talking about how we're not supposed to be forgotten, gotten over or replaced in memory/pedestal as THE BEST, sexually, by our lovers.

A woman, they say, will always have this fervent wish to be a man's last romance (as opposed to a man's terminal wish to be a woman's first real love). Not always borne of a negative self-concept, she will also probably wish that she was and will remain the greatest love of a man's life... "the woman that got away" for him... and so on.

We sexually liberated women who run out of reasons and ways of celebrating just that, however, are more like men I guess in that we'd want to be the greatest, the most intense, the most enlightening/liberating sexual experience our partner has ever had. Sure, he or she is allowed other great experiences. Sure, he or she is allowed a hundred other lovers after us. Sure, he or she is allowed to move on.


It cannot really help but be a blow to our ego if we find out that we've ceased to be the memory he/she goes back to in times when he/she needs to self-gratify... or that we've ceased to be the one they miss in times of sexual rut...

I don't know, it's really weird. But personally, they're really not supposed to stop wanting me!!! If this guy used to greet me with a hard-on always, I think i'd really still expect that hard-on there when we do meet again. Or, if his eyes would darken from desire just by the sway of my hips, or the sight of my legs, or the tilt of my head a certain way... i'd really expect him to immediately have visions of himself sucking on my choice body parts again. I know i'd always want to have him wonder how it would feel to have me naked and whimpering in his arms again.

Conceited? Maybe.

Insecure? Not necessarily.

Is it listed anywhere in Horney's 10 Neurotic Needs that sexual validation is actually bad? After all, I don't necessarily sully a former lover's reputation just because he appears to have a glorious sexual relationship with a wife/someone else. If ever, this fact only drives me further to really enjoy, explore and maximize my sexual time with a partner.

Still, why the demand for an unfailing command of a lover's lust for myself? Not really sure. But I just really want a lover to be there, really loving me and my body, when we do have sex... and eliciting the same reactions physically, despite changed circumstances, only confirm for me that he really was...

And that is a nice thing right? To know that for a moment, months or years ago, you two were really one.


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