MEComposing

... but it was filled with love, and that was all that mattered.

It was nice to celebrate it a little more quietly, though I have to admit it somehow made me feel that it wasn't my birthday at all (i even got surprised when i checked my cell at the stroke of midnight last saturday-sunday and found so many messages waiting to be read... and actually wondered if something was wrong).

Still, words cannot express the wonderful taste of Becky's Kitchen cakes (their choco mousse was sooo delicious!)... and there are no words for the emotions that make me pause everytime my brother or sister sings the happy birthday song, and my nephew would go clapping and laughing to the tune. Also, there are no words for the amazement in my parents' eyes when we were dining at Seaside (they were like, who knew you could buy really fresh seafood in Baclaran?) and hearing my Dad kid my Mom about taking her to a date there sometime soon (so she can enjoy her meal without Pyro trying to throw everything that's on the table, or attempting to hug the tables and chairs).

Of course, I mostly got white chocolates (i even got one from my sister's boyfriend). But JRA, in all his thoughtfulness and generosity, also gave me a portable X-Disk and the Beauty series by Anne Rice.

I know that am big on birthdays. I've always had an issue about people I love remembering it... and all other hoopla and sh!t about celebrating it, because really, shouldn't the world be thankful I was born? But the quiet one I opted for this year was just as beautiful. It's really just nice to be with the people who loves me most...

*~*

Tnx to all those who sent me birthday greetings. I hope the weekend went well for you guys too.

PAST LOVERS UPDATE

BF No. 4 texted this morning, inviting me to his wedding come December 18. I was actually happy for him, more worried that he was waiting for me all along to come around and be in love with him back... especially since his parents once already informally talked to my parents about finding me very much favorable for their son. I congratulated him and everything but already told him that I doubt i'd be in Lipa that time (my weekends are really precious and decembers are usually really hectic). The weird thing was, the ex also asked me to be a bridesmaid at his wedding. He insisted for me to do this favor for him. I just said I was sorry but am real busy.

WTF was that all about! We weren't childhood friends with a past that transcends the usual romantic relationships... why would he want me parading around in the same entourage as his bride? Isn't that disrespectful of the bride? (well, i dunno about you, but getting someone who used to tongue my groom for a bridesmaid is just not my cup of what's sane and proper)

*~*

Read some of AE's posts in some msg board (and no, I wasn't stalking the guy). It was bittersweet knowing that he has a picture of some girl in his wallet, someone he used to exert extras for, and also know that girl is with someone else.

I was torn between wondering whether he thinks of me sometimes too... with my ego a little miffed that i'm not anymore the one he writes poems and lovely letters about... and sad that his relationship didn't work out with that girl.

I really wish that guy well... and now am able to feel sorry for him, it must have been hellish that my feelings for him before imposed rather than inspired. And i know am not the easiest woman to please and be with.

MALALA NA KAYA: Lipstick Adik

College found me and friend Allee 'eating' lip gloss all day. That was the most make-up we'd really wear. It was Jerry who would wear eyeliner and foundation and lipstick. Fel, however, would be this vampy witch wearing dark brown, dark violet (something that would actually remind you of coffins, i dunno why) and black lipstick (and she'd look really great too!).

Anyway, i'd consume lip gloss as if they're candy. Love the dewy, shiny look they give my lips.

Then of course, I had to work and had to really wear lipstick to upgrade my otherwise plain face into something more professional-looking. And with a colleague selling Avon products, it was easy to get cheap but great lipstick. Initially, I stuck to gloss and some soft pink shade. Then I started wearing browns. Then I started blending them together. Then I started having at least 3 shades in my purse which I blend together depending on my mood. Then I started wearng deep reds.

Then I started finding that I sometimes have 6 or 7 different lipsticks in my purse. I thought to myself, I should start taking control. I saw this ad of Maybelline's Watershine lipstick and bought one. Loved it. Stuck to it and this liquid lip liner. Then I discovered Watershine Diamonds in precious wine. REALLY LOVED IT.

I lost the last one I bought tho (after having used it for 3 days lang ata). And then I got poor. And so all I could afford was a Watershine one because it costs around a hundred peso less than the one with Diamonds. But of course, I'm not too happy about it. I use it with 4 other lipsticks to achieve an effect I like.

And then, I went with cousin, sister and JRA to the L'Oreal Bodega Sale at MC Home Builders (heard they're gonna be there till Sunday) last night. It was my first bodega sale, and twas a horrendous experience! Who knew it was soooo hard to be a girl? The lines were long, everyone was exhausted and frustrated, everyone was panic-buying, the few guys there were unhappy and kept stubbing the other women's toes and I wasn't able to get a Watershine Diamonds lipstick at all!

I did get 4 new lipsticks for myself tho. Bwahahahahaha!!! (weirdly enough, they're all glittery)

And i'm attending their November bodega sale better informed now! :D

*~*

People have been asking me what I want for my birthday, and I keep drawing a blank. The only material things I really want right now is a new phone capable of voice recording (and using the recorded stuff as msg alert) and a digital camcorder... things i doubt I can ask from anyone. Other than that, I really have nothing more to ask for myself. I'm treating my family on Sunday and that's it... :) I'm partying tom night with old friends, and am sure it will be swell (I can seek their support for something am kinda hopeful about).

Life is good, and yes, I need cash!

*~*

Meanwhile, allow me to thank the friendships that have sustained me:
AA, for all the belly laughs and perversions and company and great sex tales and drinking sessions

Jay, for always being sweet and ready to cheer me up

Fuzzy, for always accompanying me in gimiks, standing up for me, believing me over others, and his silence and acceptance when i just need to have someone beside me

my blog friends, most especially, Jet, for all the e-mails exchanged that kept me sane and rational whenever i was going insane and being irrational (and for being key to my reconciliation with JRA)

and my pex friend Ayma, for being KEY to my getting over someone and letting him go... and my other pex friends (MJ, Yin, Marge)

and my mountaineer friends, both from MMS and MTC-MYG

and the EGGs from MYG.. wonderful girls to hang out with

and my counselor friends from FAD... peeple who witnessed my transformation from child to adult

and my college friends, and my high school best friend...

Ain't life pointless without friends?

I think i've kinda outgrown taking pictures of my nephew. Or maybe he just moves too fast these days and is just plain delicious-cute that i'd rather just watch him pick up the phone's handset to put on his shoulder... or fight with other kids over a comb... or do his signature weird thing with whichever of his stuffed toy he's holding that has a tail: he swishes/rubs/sniffs the tail just under his nose and across his face when he's already ready for bedtime (think of that creepy guy with the hair fetish in the Charlie's Angels movie).

My mom is delirious with happiness that my brother has landed a job (finally) and his wife is going to Korea for some 6 months with her band, leaving her free to cart my nephew to Lipa every weekend.

*~*

Speaking of pictures, I'm still a lot disappointed that I didn't have a lot of great shots taken last time I went climbing. I also haven't taken photos of anything lately, no chair or twig or play of light has interested me.

And then I was reminded of my friend Aids and pictures he took which I hope to duplicate with some other child. This continues to be a masterpiece of such proportions in soulful photography... for me.

*~*

To Mommies who want cute pictures of their daughters, go to Divisoria and get one of those mermaid costumes. It's only P400 (can fit 3-year old babies). My colleague only took videos using her mobile so I don't have any pics to share.

*~*

FOR THE LOVE OF GLORIA

My body finds itself, longing and longing more for you
You, who make it quiver with anticipation
everytime you instruct me to undress
I grow pliant and yielding under your gentle touch...
our encounters relaxing me and nurturing me and fulfilling me
i love the feel of your hands
exploring my body
gently, irrevocably, demandingly
some positions we undertake
make me hold my breath
only to reel with satisfaction after
i do not remember having surrendered
my body to someone as totally
and i can't remember someone
who has pleasured me as generously
my time with you is always not enough
and i find myself biting my lips
wondering when i'd see you next
while gathering my clothes up.

*~*

There I was, prone lying with only my panties on, enjoying a massage... when suddenly, people at the spa were shouting that there was a commotion and there were gunshots.

For a while, I felt like one of those sleazy men caught in the act of sleeping with pros during raids... but then I started thinking, "Why would there be a gunfight inside SM Manila?"

Still, I was told to dress up and we all had our bags ready, just waiting for the GO signal that it's safe to leave the premises.

And then, the spa opened it's rolling door (what do you call that?) again and it's business as usual. I was told it's ok to undress again. I had already composed a message to send to JRA (yes, yes... it must be labbb!!), because I was sure he'd want to know if anything's wrong. I didn't send it tho, since I didn't know what was wrong in the first place.

Turned out, there WAS a commotion at the cinema... some people say that A warning shot was fired. But the rat-tat-tat-tat we heard that led all the people running to seek cover was actually the rolling doors of the establishments, all being closed quickly.

Good thing, Gloria's hands are soooo good, I went home relaxed and merry.

*~*

I was blog-hopping kanina and found this site directing his readers to a long but worth-it read. Enjoy...

I told my cousin Tin to bring along her boyfriend when we have dinner this coming Sunday (for my birthday). She said we only keep teasing her about how un-cute he was. My sister and cousin reminded her that he really isn't much to look at (inferno to her, he's not drop-dead ugly naman, he's just too average-looking compared to my cousin who resembles Angel Aquino sans the square-jaw). I remarked that women of our clan never did prefer good-looking men (based from our mothers/aunts and our good-looking female cousins who married non-meztizo and some verging on ugly men).

My cousin then remarked, "What will I do with good-looking men who only want to have sex with me?"

And I couldn't be prouder that my cousin, like our other cousins, valued the intangible worth of a man over his superficial qualities.

But of course, I pray that my sister and cousin have as healthy an attitude towards sex and their bodies as I do... it's kinda pointless being a woman and not be sensual.

*~*

Attended the Talent Explosion of the Psych Soc at my old college and met up with old friends. Actually, only 4 of us showed up but we still managed to have a really great time going over old professors (they all knew the one who I hit with a polvoron) and the good old times.

We laughed at the memory of how yucky, loserly men used to take Lite dancing... and how Bhing donned a gown with metallic-chain straps we only wrapped around two buttons at the back, strutting her stuff on stage without knowing that if the chain unwounds from the button, she'd have bared her breasts in front of the whole school (alas, she was still 1st runner-up for Ms. Intrams)... I told them how we'd take that satin cloth in Intramuros and sew the border sequins there, and unravel most of what Allee did because she was just not born to sew... we talked of how we'd escape teachers even if they're only 5 minutes late... and which professors made which of our classmates cry... They all told us how they were amzed that Allee and I would top quizzes when we'd always escape to go watch movies instead... and how, the guy sitting beside Bhing at the Conference Hall that day ended up liplocking with our gay friend Jerry... and how crazy some of our professors were (imagine being given 10 behavior cases, then asked to prepare 3 personality theories as explanation for each behavior... and still not knowing which of the 10 you'd be asked to defend during the oral exam)... and how we could have bagged the trophy for our play Salome, if only our star had a louder voice (Allee was already shouting-projecting, to no avail, and she lost her voice for a week after that).

We also talked about our present preoccupations and future plans. I'm gonna miss Tere, who's being sent to Germany to take up anotehr masteral degree... and Bhing's first baby's upcoming birthday (am godmommy to Julian btw).

How I loved college!

Tere, Me, Lite and Bhing

*~*

I seldom cook. And I couldn't find any cumin powder so I used chili powder instead. But the following recipe was a hit at home. They kept complaining that it was too spicy (my Bicolana Mom didn't raise us with spicy anything). But JRA loved it (and refused to go home without getting the recipe) and kept begging me to move the platter away from him. We topped this with Rocky Road cake (yummy!!!) ... and if anyone's wondering why I cooked, it's got to do with grand gestures and JRA... :)

Anyway, feel free to use the recipe as is... or use chili powder instead (maybe you can reduce it to just a tablespoon). I've already thanked my friend from whom I got this one (it was a hit at her birthday party two weeks ago, see).


Brownie Style Chicken Nuggets

Ingredients:
1 kilo chicken breast fillet, sliced into bite-size pieces
1 tbsp. garlic powder
1 tbsp. curry powder
2 tsps. cumin powder
2 cubes of chicken broth cubes, mashed or crushed
2 tsps. salt
1 tsp. ground black pepper

Breading:
A pack of crushed graham crackers. Eggs, beaten

Mix all the dry ingredients. Rub the crushed/mashed chicken broth cubes all over the sliced chicken pieces. Then mix the chicken with the dry ingredients and let it marinate for about an hour or 2.

Heat up a pan with oil for deep frying. Dip the chicken pieces into the beaten eggs, and then roll the chicken pieces in graham crackers until they're covered entirely, then fry until deep brown.


Sour Cream & Garlic Dipping Sauce
1 container of Sour Cream
1 1/2 tbsp of Garlic Powder
1 tsp. salt

Ela is my favorite niece. She's turning eight this December. She's the daughter outside of wedlock of my cousin Arnel. My cousin has three other kids (Kyle, Bryant and Kulay) now with his wife.

I just heard that Ela's Mom is now 4-months pregnant and that she's getting married this October. They both don't have jobs and Ela's Mom is staying with the guy's family.

What breaks my heart?

Ela was left with her maternal lola, and her Mom has asked my cousins to visit her more so she won't feel that she's got no family left.

And of course, I hate her mother right now, even if I understand how shameful it must be to bring along her child from someone else into the house of her in-law.

But isn't there more cause for shame to leave your child behind? A child whose father has always asked to raise her?

I've cried over and over my niece's plight... and I can't bear to witness the fact that she's now being put aside because her parents have to tend to their other families. I hate them for not planning ahead for this, for causing her pain, and for not being strong enough to stand up for her.

Like what I said, my cousin is willing to raise her. His wife is also alright with the idea, and has always been kind to Ela. My other cousin's wife (who lives next door to them) is also willing to raise her, because her husband is Ela's ninong anyway. But we all know Ela won't allow it. Her visits there became fewer and farther between after Bonita was born, because my Tita finally has another granddaughter. And it became least frequent still after Kulay was born, because her dad finally has another daughter. How can we really convince her that she belongs there? How can we make her feel that she's as equally loved?

I hate to see her watchful, expressive eyes sometimes... when I see her observing her dad give Kulay tummy kisses. I'm sure, Kulay's giggles, though music to our ears, always drives a shaft of pain thru her heart... because she knows, her father never did that to her. Arnel, though willing to raise her, has never even held that child. It was Arnel's brother who took care of her when she was a baby, or whenever she'd visit us.

But she'd never cry. I know she gets hurt but she'd never cry. I know visits there emotionally exhaust her, but she'd never cry.

But I would, every birthday she has where her father won't show up. And every time she's sick. And every time I have to remind her father to send her money. And every time she refuses to spend Christmas with us. And every time I see her father look with loving eyes at Kulay. And now, everytime I remember that her Mom has also betrayed her.

And then I get to read this and I want to cry again...

two years was a long time
to have loved you
two years is a long time
to still care about you
after having said goodbye
you felt so right
and i was so in love
still, i wish you didn't say
you COULDN'T commit
because i believed you could
that you would, in time
but i guess i wasn't woman
enough
to fight for love
when i keep fighting
with the lover
i really loved you then
and still love you
in my way
now
but i had to love myself
a little

true, i got tired of
waiting
and wondering
i knew love seldom went
smoothly
but i didn't think
it should be so hard
you could have at least
been clear
about wanting a
relationship
and when you were
finally
talking about committing
and your fantasies
of OUR baby in my arms
of me being your wife
i was still too numb
with the pain
from your half-baked words
from before
and because i fell
in love
too much, too soon
i was more scared
that it would be
another roller coaster
of uncertainties
for us

and then i find out
that you've lately
just committed
to someone
i was devastated
for lack of a sadder term
for a while
i felt all our memories
invalidated
and undone
but then i realized
just because you felt so right
didn't necessarily mean
we were right for each other
true enough, i was just
your
"in the meantime"
true enough, like what i said
i was meant to prepare you
for something better
and here you are
willing at last
to surrender to the
beauty of love

last year, i only gave up
on you
and what could be between us
but now i find
i can finally let you go
and wish you greater
happiness
than you've ever experienced
and now, though there is sadness
still
for what could have been
and though there is
longing still
when things i associated
with you
collide with my present
at least, there is
peace, finally

i've always said before
no woman could ever love you
as much as i did
and no woman can give as much
of herself to you
the way i can
but now i pray, i'm wrong
i just hope that you
sometimes, think of me
and smile when you think
that at one point in time
there was a possibility
of us...

I suspect that sometimes, there is really no closed book on great and true loves... and that there really is no ending to true loving, even after a relationship hasn't worked out.

In my life, i've seen myself married to three guys. This makes me feel all the more blessed, that Life saw it fit to send my way more than one guy to spend a lifetime with and really love. I've made my peace with Alvin (I just miss the fact that he understood me the most) and am making my peace with AE (I will always miss his drawings and poems made for me).

I almost lost JRA to another woman (and I couldn't really blame him if he chose her over me, because I did give him a hard time) and am trying to make peace with that fact too. And I am doing my best (in a non-desperate, non-pathetic way, of course) to win back his trust and his faith in my love. It isn't easy... it verges on really painful at times...

But love, for all its pain, has some truly great rewards...