MEComposing

You shall not look into my eyes again..
You shall not listen to my breathing
or hear me gasp, or hear me giggle
You shall never hold my hand anymore in public
And you shall never hold it, and then kiss it
And send butterflies in my stomach as you do so

You shall not have to bear my senseless ranting
You shall not have to listen to my gripes
You shall not sniff the vanilla scent I always wear
and tell me how you've been missing it so much
You shall not be embracing me anymore
You shall not be seducing me with your smile
You shall never be seduced again by mine either

You won't be seeing me cry again
You won't be seeing me at all
For even if our paths cross now
You'll just tell yourself
"There goes that girl
who wasn't meant for me after all.."

- ala ako magawa.... nalulungkot ako....

THINGS THAT HURT A WOMAN

> Menstrual cramps
> Initial penetration during intercourse, esply at the first one
> A critical mother
> A father with a lot of double standards
> An unfaithful father
> An unfaithful mother
> Bad hair days
> Acne
> Weight Gain
> A bad, unskilled, inconsiderate lover
> Judgemental friends
> A father who beats her mother
> Sexual abuse
> Being called a slut
> Waiting by a phone that never rings, or in this case, a cellphone that never beeps to herald an incoming message
> Break ups
> Asking innocent questions, out of concern, like "Where were you last night?" and not only having her head bitten off, but also getting accused of trying to run the man's life
> Family pressure to get married as soon as possible (like, after college)
> Criticisms for her chosen mate
> Food cravings that cannot be satisfied
> Out of Stock, Out of Order, Out of Sizes
> Criticisms from her chosen mate
> Death of a mother who failed her
> Death of a child
> Death of a beloved pet
> Birth of a child
> Fact of a child not her own, for the man she loves
> Porn
> Struggles of a younger sibling, or a child
> Broken promises, broken vows
> Being stood up at the wedding
> Being left after ten years
> Menopause
> Waking up one day and realizing, she hasn't really lived
> Waking up one day and realizing, she hasn't really loved
> Waking up one day and realizing, she hasn't really been loved

I have been looking like a ghost these past few days... have been feeling like one din...

Anyway... I finally have a MISSY ADVENTURE inspiration... just not sure when am going to type the half-plagiarized material...

And I have no idea why i've been having erotic dreams all night last night... must be because I was feverish din from my dang illness...

My brother wanted to cry... I know... and I know how overwhlemed and scared he was...

And maybe it's just coincidence... but the baby (who is the spitting image of both his father and grandfather) kept looking at where my brother was standing...

And my sis said... that was her nephew... lukso ng dugo daw...

Me, I was just really so happy... and I can't remember a happier time standing with all my siblings and my mother...

And I really pray that heaven bless my nephew...

And I really hope that the presence of the whole household at the hospital would assure my brother how important he is to us... and how loved... and how welcome the baby is...

World... welcome JOSEPH PYRO and take good care of him...

Not that am happy already...

but my mood is sure lifting.... for my sis-in-law gave birth to a bouncing baby boy just this morning!!!

I just found out... and am going all teary again... my home is blessed again...

And God... I really pray to you... please, let my nephew be a better man than his father and grandfathers...

I love him already. I really, really love him already...

Still missing you B....

Hard to accept how you're not in my life anymore...

Feels like everything is going wrong...

And I can't help but think.... did you die so other things won't go wrong in my life anymore?

And did you have to die so my unborn nephew is sure to live?

There's a pair of arms that I long to be in right now... and wanting so, longing for him so...

is wrong...

My sister hollered at me to go down... and smilingly broke to me the news....

BRUTUS IS DEAD

And as the tears readily sprung to my eyes... I went back to my room to cry my heart out.

He died several days short of his tenth year with our family. He came to us last July 28, 1993... i've buried the other parrot he arrived with... but I wasn't able to give him the same.

Dad should have told me yesterday... I wasn't even able to see him one last time... I didn't get to say goodbye...

And i'm thinking... was it raining so bad last friday night... and it got too cold for him at Lipa? Was that it?

I can't even type so well right now, the tears are blurring my vision...

And as my heart gently weeps the loss of a friend... the one I turned to during my turbulent adolescence for comfort... the only one who's always brought a smile to my lips... whose cage I hugged all those times I wanted to die before...

All I can think of now is... I fed him buttered popcorn the last time I saw him.

And it hurts so bad... I am struggling even to call up my exes and cry to them... for they'd understand how much Brutus meant to me...

And it hurts so bad that nobody in my life right now will probably understand the bond I shared with him...

And I know i'm getting all melodramatic for just a parrot.

But he was our parrot....

He was MY parrot

And I love him dearly...

And I can still hear his shrieks of recognition for me... or when he's remonstrating me for my long absences.... and I can still remember the soft feel of his plummage... and how he's been the handsomest male in my life for me... and I can still smell his scent... his cage.. his feet....

And i'm gonna miss coming home to him when I go home to Lipa... he's been a constant presence in my homes....

But then again... why should I cry for something that I know... is happily shrieking in heaven...

It's sometimes hard having male friends. You act as their buddy.. there to cater to his idiosyncracies and at the same time spoil him... and get spoiled in return.

But being human, he's prone to date. Being human, he's prone to flirt. Being human, he sometimes forget that you've just skipped dinner to do something for him...

And when you get hurt because he was inconsiderate of your time, or feelings... you can't really get upset for fear he'd think you're jealous of his girls... or that you've done the unforgivable and fallen in love for him...

And so you get upset.... mope.... quietly....

And then... you start drawing away...

And many times... a friendship has been lost... this way...

Wrapped in my jacket here at work... since am wearing a sleeveless denim dress and my arms and legs are bare... and it's sooo cold here...

Can't stop thinking about how i'm losing you.... every minute... in every way... as I post this...

SOC WHILE WATCHING GROs

gosh, she's sooo young... she can't be 15 yet...

why isn't she properly trimmed? why leave a dark, dark tuft like that?

aren't they allowed to smile?

gee... they're like robots there

at least i know i dance better

wonder if rubbing their nether regions on the stage floor don't give them infections

will they stop with that boot stomping already... am being reminded of freaks in a circus!

yikes, last think i exepcted to see in a beerhouse are performing midgets.... euhhhh

gee.... i want that pair of undies...

wonder how i really look when i striptease for a man...

kainggit naman their skin....

wonder if my ass still look that good

shucks, she still hasn't hips.. her pelvic bone is still very prominent.. what's this.. 14 years old?

good thing my baby sister has more shape than these girls... and i'd hang her if she ever does something like this...

wonder how much they earn in a month

wonder if... my parents were poor and stuff.. would i have resorted to this kind of thing kaya...

my favorite psychologist... Karen Horney said that people usually develop neurotic needs... irrational solutions to the real problem of basic anxiety... and they are...

1) neurotic need for affection and approval
2) neurotic need for a 'partner' who will take over one's life
3) neurotic need to restrict one's life within narrow borders
4) neurotic need for power
5) neurotic need to exploit others
6) neurotic need for prestige
7) neurotic need for personal admiration
8) neurotic need for personal achievement
9) neurotic need for self-sufficiency and independence
10) neurotic need for perfection and unassailability

guess where am most probably at.....

I wish to be your eyes
that marvels at the setting sun
or looks at the horizon with a prayer
or twinkles at the littlest joke
and looks on with tenderness for most anything

i wish to be your nose
that loves the smell of vanilla and milk
that wrinkles in gentle disgust over
your rubber shoes after removing them

i wish to be your hands
that loves to play with someone's hair
that often seeks warmth and gentleness and comfort
and gives the same

i wish to be your lips
that curls up in that cute little pout
or sends shivers with a lingering kiss
or speaks volumes in every breath
and gives with it the sound of a voice
able to lift spirits

i wish to be your heart
a humble one, a hopeful one
a true and loyal and child-like one
and spare you from the pain
i myself inflicted

- thoughts yesterday whilre riding a jeep and thinking of how awful i have been

NICE SONG, this one

*~*

I am officially all kinds of lonely... little things like being shapeless and being money-less are getting to me...

And when missed friends don't have time... I feel bad too... seemingly taking things personally....

Nothing seems to be going right... even if nothing is really going wrong...

I'm just easily upset and worried and generally.... tearful.

This may be part of the 'process' I'm going through.. but it sure sucks big time...

*~*

I really wanna go dancing soon. Feeling sexy is one of those superficial things I can always console myself with... and I don't even have that right now... thus, INCOSOLABLE comes to mind...

The only good thing about heartbreak and tears, about bitterness, anger and loss is that...

Pints of ice cream, loads of potato chips and blocks of white chocolates

Get justified

This hasn't been easy for me. Know that aside from the pain, I have never felt more cruel... and more incapable... in my life.

But it is liberating. And I know, I am on the right path this time. I owed myself this single time for so long now... and I owe myself the chance to be in love with a guy... who I can wholeheartedly say I am attracted to, I see a future with, I am willing to commit to and I can see myself growing old with...

Big dreams for a woman who is still very much, a girl at heart...

I FORGOT THESE....

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don’t love him, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then, love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assess blame. Let it go. [b]There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. [/b]

Last night, I waved goodbye
Now it seems years...

What you resist, persists...

Please God... let me be brave this time. It would be so easy to revert to old ways of being... It would be so easy to drag myself back again in the hell I was in...

I know there will be tears... i know they will scald and scourge me for the following days... but I know they will also help me heal.

I want to do things right this time. Show me the path... give me courage to take... please...

*~*

Thanks to my friends, I know I can get past this.

*~*

By the way, I hope everyone takes time out to pray for their parents and families... after all, they're the only ones we got.

COMMERCIAL

sample text message you guys may wanna use

You know what, if you watch me play with myself... am sure i'd be more inspired...

*~*

MISSY isn't dead... but is in hibernation...

I did something right today... I let go of the man who loves me to get him back on the road to someone who truly deserves him...

Funny... life always has this unsettling way of making you realize that people seldom really grow up...

And that gentleness may be... something one can never learn at all..

Either you are, or you're simply not...

*~*

By the way, it was only recently that I found out that some person, masquerading in different names, has actually commneted on my past entries in my blog... and the pics in my pbase.... he/she/it has generally focused on how ugly my feet are (and if anyone would care to review, I never said anywhere that they looked great... especially since I started mountaineering) and how ugly I am (which just reminds me of my former menopausal Mom)

Unfortunately for me, I do not know how to trace IPs... and not that he/she/it merits an entry here actually... but for lack of something to write about... I really wonder what I did to him/her/it for him/her/it to hate me so...

After all, it takes a lot of energy to go back to those pics and comment time and again... and find fault in my posts...

Again, doesn't he/she/it have anything better to do??? Is he/she/it that insecure and threatened by me... to think he/she/it would actually upset me with such comments?

I was only upset with the a-hole pic attached to my template... but that's because it's offensive to my friends...

Treated my cousin and sister to hair cuts... and as i watched my sister get hers, with all these pins and stuff on her hair... and as she was grinning at me... I thought again... she's really so cute... and i still really love her best....

*~*

My aunt (the sick one who i fretted over way before) texted my cousin Tin, asking her to support her sister who is in the throes of lost love.... My aunt even reminded my cousin that it's just natural for her children to be in love and to worry and that they're all just growing up...

Now, isn't she cool?

The cousin pining for her crush is 15 years old, by the way

*~*

Climbing season starts again for me soon... and i can't help but wonder... how many people who visit this blog... also visit my camping blog.... hehehehehe

I miss going limp with exhaustion over a round of agressive lovemaking...

seriously...

NOTE TO SELF:

Using your fone would lead its battery to go ballistic and be turned off....

Sigh....

Gasp.... finally saw one of my Pool Pics... you know, where am supposedly faking kissing a girl...

uhm.. suffice it to say... in one pic, we really looked like we were kissing.... dang...

Points of comparison can be a bad thing.

Sure, people can always argue that one can never run out of things to do with a partner....

Still, it would always feel weird... and sad... if, after one great experience, even a sexual one, your partner tells you how it was a first for him, and how deeply moved and touched he is by that experience...

And all you can do is hug him.. and turn to him with a sheepish grin.... "uhm, well... uhm... " and wonder if it's ok to tell him that you've been tied up before, or that you've been to Boracay already, or have gone bungee jumping w/ an old significant other, etc.

BACK FROM PUERTO GALERA

Going there was a cinch. The pump boat to Sabang cost us P120.00 and it wasn't bumpy at all. I wasn't induced to vomit the potato chips I was binge-ing on, at all. Sabang was more of a diving place... and it got so hard to have me mesmerized by Galera... having been to Boracay just recently....

Anyway, jeepney ride to Puerto Galera (the Muelle area, methinks) cost P10.... and then trike ride to white Beach (finally!) cost P50... and since it wasn't peak season, we got to avail of P800.00-air conditioned rooms at the WHITE BEACH RESORT... i highly recommend the resort since it was clean. Hot water depends on the heat of the sun baking the water pipes... but still, the place was nice. And their food was the best ever... that i've tasted there, I mean. esply the Chicken Condon Bleu.

Peter's Resraurant served un-fresh shrimps... and most of the places there offering kebabs might disappoint since.... their marinate isn't that great (just catsup really). Pork Barbecue at White Beach Resort is still better...

The view was spectacular.... whenever I had a mind to wake up and actually vist the beach. And the water was magnificently blue and calm. But alas, it was cold! Freezing cold. As in, the bathing suit top which I was confident to wear because it didn't showcase my nipples... failed me. The water was just so cold... and something in the seafoam kept stinging my skin... so in the 3 days I was there, I've only really swam for like, 3 hours... cumulatively...

I was also disappointed since I didn't see any of the bigger crabs the local people there were harvesting...

Massage costs P150.00 for an hour...

And the sunsets are just spectacular....

And there's really no nightlife at all... unless you're one of those gangs gathered there to just drink and be merry...

KTVs available only play Korean songs

and by golly, when we were looking for a dancing/disco place... we were led to two Beerhouse type of places requiring P20. entrance and uhm, escorted ladies....

And I will never go on board the M/V Blue Eagle again.... it's one fastcraft I will forever feel unsafe in... the ventilation sucked! I was left with a migraine after because everything was cramped... even the air!

And i'm not sure why i've been quoting the prices.... maybe I will go back there again...

For a weekender, it wasn't bad at all.... and I do need to unwind sometimes...

But heck, take me back to Boracay anytime...

Oh wait, I have yet to visit Samal, Siargao and Palawan pala...