MEComposing

I cannot help but wonder...

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I DID SOMETHING BRAVE?

Brave... something that required a lot of prayers and faith and hope... and work...

I remember reading somewhere that it isn't love, nor faith, nor charity that is the greatest character of all.. instead, it is courage...

For courage is what will make you keep your faith, day in and day out, to choose to love the same person...

And courage is what will help you say the truth, and be fair, and be just... and to uphold what you believe is right...

It's courage that helps you deal with trials, and the contempt of those you can't please, or those who do not understand you...

For a woman, it's courage that will propel a child to be born... and courage is what allows parents to raise their kids as individuals...

There is no knowing in faith... and one can only hope so much... and strength is spent...

But courage is what changes us, and what gives us our defining moments...

One need not wage nuclear wars, or rally in the streets in order to be called courageous...

He should just do what needs to be done, regardless of the pain, the costs, the outcome... because it is what's right... what's best... what's fair... what's just...

So again, when was the last time I did something brave?

Telling my father, finally, that I was disappointed in them for enabling my brother to be so irrespponsible was brave, I think. And it hurt damn much. Saying no to booze all the time is kinda brave. Allowing myself to fall in love is brave.

But really, when was the last time I took risks... and allowed myself great opportunity for pain and loss... in order to get something I want and need?

I have two major pending projects in life... two dreams I have to realize... and I have not been brave with either of them yet. I have not done my assignment nor taken any concrete step in their realization...

I have yet to open myself to raw failure in pursuing said dreams, I have yet to go out there, fight the good fight so to speak, with gritted teeth and a resolve to ACCEPT whatever the consequences may be...

Ergo, I am not yet a better person because of this.

*~*

How about you, when was the last time YOU did something brave?

If I'm not wrong, yesterday marked the 10th anniversary of my high school graduation.

High School. Right now, am holding a scrapbook of sorts which I had some friends right dedications/letters on (that kinda thing was BIG back then), with most of the poems I wrote back then(i still cannot help but grieve that i've lost my only copies of my more serious and excellent poems written during that period... the one about war and my answer to that famous shepherd love poem), and containing some of the pictures from that time. Let me see, I had crushes on Francis Neil Labonete (1st year) and Adrian Pagulayan (4th year) and Victor Alim (3rd year). I hope they didn't turn out to be big-time jerks and deadbeat fathers.

I no longer have curly hair (i've always had straight hair, but I had a perm in my 3rd year), I'm no longer a Girl Scout even if I still go camping and can now read trail signs... I have not even maintained correspondence with my batchmates (except w/ my bestfriend Lota, that is... who I don't really much of). Heard that Jaye has gotten married already...

Some of my teachers have already passed away. Most have left Paco Catholic School for greener pastures (yes, am a product of a Catholic School... ). I don't think I even know my way around that school anymore, its grounds have changed, buildings have been added, educational standards have degenerated (I know because my sister graduated from there and I'd usually find out about just how incompetent her teachers are) and its fees have risen to exorbitant proportions. Well, exorbitant for us middle-income families anyway.

But I did have a lot of good times then. And really cool barkadas. And I also hurt a lot then. Whoever didn't have a turbulent time during adolescence anyway?

And did I grow up? Am I the person I dreamed of becoming then? Will the old me like the present me? What dreams have I given up on? What have I really accomplished after ten years of being set free from the protective and innocent walls of my high school?

BORED
IN
MASBATE

Found out that most of the gin consumption in the country is being consumed by the Bicol region. And around 80% of that is consumed by the women in said region.

An ugly fact I know (that is, that Bicol is the INCEST capital of the Philippines) makes me wonder, could that be the reason, huh, Bicolanas?

*~*

Because it was a boring stay in Masbate, watched cable all the time while I moped in my room. Law & Order's episode was about internet and pedophilia. I couldn't help but be bothered by Nick2shy's words... where he likened pedophilia to homosexuality, something that may be perceived as sick now, but is actually a normal thing for others... and even, a healthy, loving thing. (The program said that it was not based on a true story, but I don't have to conduct research to know that it is getting more rampant as I speak, after all, my once lawyer-stalker could download naked pre-pubescent boys and girls from the net, and this was back in 1999... who knows by just how much this sordid industry has grown?) I cannot help but cringe at the thought of there ever coming a time where sexual perversions such as that will be supported and upheld by the society.

Please God, people... let such a time never come.

*~*

The best about flying Asian Spirit is that, I really liked their magazine. I'm sorry, I planned to steal a copy off the plane going back, but I was spared from the shamefulness of the act by having a mother seated beside me, with a drooling baby I'd have to be comforting and shushing the whole flight back.

*~*

Beware of sinks at Sampaguita Hotel in Masbate... they have this way of detaching themselves from the wall and threatening to fall on your feet while you're brushing your teeth. And Masbate water is amoeba-infected.

My Dad turned 58 yesterday. And I think he's a real happy man these days since he had a pig slaughtered just for his birthday (when he's normally not big on celebrations and unnecessary expenses). What more, he ordered some 4 gallons of "dirty ice cream" just for the kids (i will not post my pic distributing the ice cream anymore... ahihi). And he spent most of the afternoon away just carrying his grandkids around, esply Pyro, and being the proud grandfather that he is. I sooo love the man.

*~*

My aunt told my godson, Kyle that his first cousin Eisen looked exactly like his father (my cousin) did when he was young. While bathing Kyle, his Mom repeated the observation to the child. My nephew answered...

"Ibig sabihin Mommy, nung bata pa si Daddy, lagi rin sya nakanganga?"
("You mean Mom, when Dad was young, his mouth was always open too?")

*~*

Somebody give me the LOVE ACTUALLY soundtrack... waaaahhhh!!!!!

Suffer the fluctuating, soc thoughts... please...

Because I was sad and because I needed physical, tangible comfort, my friend MisB watched a movie with me.

LOVE ACTUALLY

It was great that a cohesion was indeed mustered for all the characters and different kinds of love in the movie. Of course, you just have to love Hugh Grant's dancing, or the really yummy Clark... or the quiet intensity of Colin Firth...

but...

it's the Carol Singers guy, the one who, all this time, was also in love with the girl his bestfriend married... that got to me...

Of course, the flair of the wedding surprise he pulled off was "kakakilig" enough... but it's his Christmas greeting that absolutely, absolutely touched/floored me...

And with that in mind, and since I am not that crazy nor crazily in love i think, let me just post here something which I should (maybe) tell someone in my life...

IT IS NOT CHRISTMAS
BUT SINCE I LET CHRISTMAS PASS
WITHOUT TELLING YOU THIS TRUTH
LET ME CORRECT THAT MISTAKE
BY BEING HONEST NOW
FIRST, I THANK YOU
FOR THE ROLE THAT YOU PLAY IN MY LIFE
AND LET ME JUST SAY
TO ME, YOU ARE PERFECT
AND THAT, SOMETIMES
IN THE COURSE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP
I REALLY THINK
THAT YOU'D MAKE ME REALLY HAPPY
IF YOU BECOME MORE THAN A FRIEND
AND BE THE LOVER
THAT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF
BUT I DO NOT SAY THIS NOW
ASKING FOR SUCH
FOR I KNOW I WON'T
MAKE YOU
THAT KIND OF HAPPY
AND I DO NOT SAY THIS
WITH SADNESS
THAT MY PLIGHT IS SUCH
AM JUST REALLY ALREADY HAPPY
THAT YOU'RE IN MY LIFE
AND I JUST REALLY
WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT AM SURE SOMEONE ELSE
WILL FIND YOU EVERY BIT
BEAUTIFUL AND GOD-SENT
AS I DO
AND THAT SHE WILL CHERISH YOU
AS MUCH AS I ALREADY DO

Out of my chest now... :)

*~*

One other thing that made me really think... Emma Thompson's character asked her husband what she should do... and what meaning to attach to the necklace she knew her husband bought, but she didn't get...

Is it just a necklace.. is it necklace and sex... is it necklace, sex and divorce...

*~*

Anyway, God is really good... HE didn't take my sorrows away... but HE gave me several different perspectives of looking at my experiences...

these tears fall
not because
you're not loved
or cared for

these tears fall
not because
you were not trusted
and you were not seen
for who you truly are

these tears fall
not because i've given up
on you
nor because i didn't have
faith in you

these tears fall
not because we cannot live
the dreams we had
and can never really be
the lovers we wanted to be

these tears fall because
you betrayed my trust
and lied to me
and disrespected me

these tears fall
not because i failed to love you
but because i realized
you do not love me at all
that you never really loved me
after all

and these tears will continue falling
until i accept you're not worth them
until i akcowledge you never deserved me
and until i realize i love you no more

for you lied
and your words weren't true
and your actions didn't match your words
which led to all these tears
falling...

*~*

I am a woman. I have a heart that can be deceived. I have a kindness that will be abused. I am a woman. Men will not be able to help but hurt me. And lie to me. And lead me on. And use me. And capitalize on my inherent ability for compassion and care. I am a woman. And I cannot help but cry. Even if the man doesn't deserve the tears. I am a woman. I get devastated with lies. I get traumatized when things I believed in, like love, like a man's words, or a person (regardless of whether he sees himself the same way) gets invalidated by a single, disrespectful action... like a lie.

I am a woman. I have breaking points. I have boiling points. I draw the line somewhere.

I am a woman. I will forgive a lot of things. I will understand a lot of things. I will accept and adjust to a lot of things. I will turn a blind eye to a lot of faults.

But not to lies. Never to lies.

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down


I look at myself and see a work in progress... a toy that is broken somehow but still manages to bring enjoyment... a book that is still being re-written...

I am many things and not a lot of things. I am the epitome of contradictions. I am becoming. I am evolving. I am being empowered and liberated. I am giving. I am taking. I am both forgiving and unforgiving. I am both strong and vulnerable. I will cry a lot while fighting things out. I will forever rage against a lot of things i'd find hurtful, unjust, untrue. I will forever be a child in need of care and love, of attention and faith. I will always have questions. I will always have answers. I will always doubt. I will always be happy and sad.

And yet, I shall always be, proud and happy that I was born a woman, even if that fact dictated and determined a lot of things for me, and predisposed me to certain things...

HAPPY WOMAN'S DAY TO MYSELF AND ALL OTHER WOMEN

*~*

Heart of Gold


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

TRUE... TRUE :P

I'm a little ashamed of myself.

I haven't been saving any money, splurging mostly on food and cab fares. I went home last night ladden with bags of ham and cheese because I wanted to cook carbonara. And then I found out that my KUMARE was there. She asked me to help her, because my goddaughter is in the hospital. I did a quick computation in my mind and realized I didn't have extra money really. All I have left is enough to fund my scheduled gimmicks and pay for my credit card. And so I told her that I didn't have money.

Anyway, I kept computing and re-computing my funds. I admit, part of me was resentful. I don't know this child. I've only seen the child before she was christened, because her mother asked me for some christening money that time. And am not close w/ this woman who was asking for help. And now I was feeling bad that I am being asked to part with money I don't have much of.

Then, I realized, I am this child's godparent. It doesn't matter if I know the child, but I am Christianly also her parent. And I asked myself, IF YOU DON'T HELP NOW, WHEN WILL YOU ACT LIKE A GODPARENT TO THE CHILD?

So I gave my KUMARE some money. And it didn't hurt at all. My gimmick friends won't miss me much. And at least, nobody's sick in the family. And when worse comes to worst, I still have the credit card... or take out a loan at work. I mean... I am not worse off.

Sure, no more cab rides for me. Sure, i'd have to worry where to get meal allowance for next week. Sure, I can't buy load anymore. Sure, i'd have to reward myself w/ trivial things such as new clothes some other time. Sure, am poor again...

But am more worried now about where to get the money I can give for next week. She has to be confined for 3 weeks... so that the doctors can monitor her heart. Sigh.

I looked at Pyro, all brimming with nourishment and reflecting the love he's being showered... and I couldn't help but feel ashamed that I hesitated to give another child some love.

And i'm sorry.

I was having this vanilla something here at Cebu-Mactan International Airport, hoping my flight back to Manila yesterday won't be delayed... and contemplating what i'd blog about my recent Cebu trip...

Apart from liking the dry massage I got from somewhere (it's a massage parlor at Fuente) and eating at this resto at SM Manila... and joshing w/ friends who were regalling me with their drunken-vomit stories... it was actually uneventful.

But yes, I couldn't resist undressing in the lawyer's office where I slept... and taking pics of myself.

*~*

Another internet friend called me today and marvelled that I knew a very good friend of his... and then told me the sad news... that RON is dead.

I've never met him... But he's been a blog friend for over a year now. And it upsets me that our last YM chat isn't archived. He told me he was having problems with his gf then. And me, I was just teasing him to his bestfriend Rosa. And he was critiquing my naughty pics scattered around the net. And he also offered to host my tame pics so that I need not worry about posting lots of pictures of my nephew in my blog.

And now this... he's the 3rd internet friend who has committed suicide for the past 6 months.

What an ugly word, suicide...

And I cannot think of a sadder concept right now.

I'm praying for you Ron. I'm praying you find peace. I'm praying Kat gets through this. I'm praying your family gets to understand in time. I'm praying I can visit you at your wake since your wedding will not be pushing through...

And most of all, am praying for all those others who are thinking of doing the same thing... please don't...

*~*

I just hope, that all the men who vow to love me, will love me enough to live for me, even if I cannot be with all of them...

instead of giving up on other opportunities, on other loves...

*~*

And I don't know what's wrong with me... i've been snapping at everyone, including waiters and such. And that's not me, even at the worst of moods.

And where other things will easily move me, like Ron's death, or losing a friend (Rhonna, I know you don't read this, but again, I am not the one lying to you right now, and I am the one truly loving you right now), or even my nephew's smile...

I'm just generally numb, preoccupied and irritated.

Sigh.

What is life telling me?

our love is like water
pinned down and abused for being strange
our love is no other
than me alone for me all day
our love is like water/angels pinned down and abused

all over you, all over me
the sun, the fields, the sky
I've often tried to hold
the sea the sun, the fields, the tide
pay me now,
lay me down


I have driven several friends of mine mad looking for this song... see, it's hard when I don't sing well... and can't carry a tune... and was going by with "I LOVE YOU, LIKE CRAZY" (talk about super misheard lyrics!!!)

Anyway, spent Saturday with UMS barkada again... and we whiled away the night with the guys taking turns on the guitar while drinking, and all of us just singing favorite classics (yes, they sang that song for me).

Realized too that some 4 years ago, when I first met the same bunch of people... I high-handedly thought that i've never been with such an underachieving group. That time, they were either bums or gamers who pretend they go to school. But now, almost everybody's working in call centers, almost everyone has a partner, and talks of marriage couldn't help but infiltrate the conversations of fave bands and PS 2 games.

Am glad that though a lot of them are still undergrads, they have at least found goals and other reasons for being.