1:38 PM Friday, March 05, 2004

I'm a little ashamed of myself.

I haven't been saving any money, splurging mostly on food and cab fares. I went home last night ladden with bags of ham and cheese because I wanted to cook carbonara. And then I found out that my KUMARE was there. She asked me to help her, because my goddaughter is in the hospital. I did a quick computation in my mind and realized I didn't have extra money really. All I have left is enough to fund my scheduled gimmicks and pay for my credit card. And so I told her that I didn't have money.

Anyway, I kept computing and re-computing my funds. I admit, part of me was resentful. I don't know this child. I've only seen the child before she was christened, because her mother asked me for some christening money that time. And am not close w/ this woman who was asking for help. And now I was feeling bad that I am being asked to part with money I don't have much of.

Then, I realized, I am this child's godparent. It doesn't matter if I know the child, but I am Christianly also her parent. And I asked myself, IF YOU DON'T HELP NOW, WHEN WILL YOU ACT LIKE A GODPARENT TO THE CHILD?

So I gave my KUMARE some money. And it didn't hurt at all. My gimmick friends won't miss me much. And at least, nobody's sick in the family. And when worse comes to worst, I still have the credit card... or take out a loan at work. I mean... I am not worse off.

Sure, no more cab rides for me. Sure, i'd have to worry where to get meal allowance for next week. Sure, I can't buy load anymore. Sure, i'd have to reward myself w/ trivial things such as new clothes some other time. Sure, am poor again...

But am more worried now about where to get the money I can give for next week. She has to be confined for 3 weeks... so that the doctors can monitor her heart. Sigh.

I looked at Pyro, all brimming with nourishment and reflecting the love he's being showered... and I couldn't help but feel ashamed that I hesitated to give another child some love.

And i'm sorry.


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