MEComposing

... i've really loved before...

and who, in a way, i always will

the guys i was able to imagine a forever with

and who, i somehow care for still

A
you were my first Baby, you were my first true love
you were the first guy to ever make me feel special
and worthy of love
you were the one who broke my expected reality
of growing old alone
(you know, i didn't know if i'd be a wife
but i've always known i'd be a mom)
you were also the first
to really break my heart
and my spirit
you taught me a lot about love
and pain
and letting go
and moving on
and now am happy
that we're friends again
see you on my wedding day
with your beloved wife
who is my friend again, too

B
i was your darling
i was your dearest
i still somehow believe
that we're soulmates
i never knew anyone i felt such affinity for
despite our differences
it's both eerie and magical
and then, of course, tragic
i'm not sure if we'd ever have closure
seeing as we never talked
and there are regrets
i'm not sure if we'd ever be friends again
seeing as there were bridges burned
and we both really haven't changed
but know what, you made me realize how brave i can be
for love
for you, whom i loved
and if ever you'd pass by
if ever you'd know it's you
hurt me not for the last time
be happy instead, be brave as i was
and be braver
sooner

C
words left unsaid
may spare a person pain
and yet, words that were unsaid
usually means feelings were unexpressed
i made the mistake of dreaming dreams
and scheming schemes
involving 'you', 'me' and 'forever'
but i kept it to myself
believing it will never be welcome
the weirdest thing was
all i had to do was ask
the crazier thing is
all you had to do was ask too...
and so it ended that
we'd never dance together in this life
for nobody took the first step

*~*

after all is said and done
after all the feelings felt
all the songs sung and played
the words said and un-said
i know i can still say
i'm happy with my choice
i am not with someone as a failsafe
to growing old alone
i am with him
because i love him
and he loves me
and because i can allow him to be him
and he allows me to be me
yes, i'd always care for A, B, and C
they colored my life
and made it more meaningful
for a time
they were my beloved for a reason
for a season
and i'd always be grateful they were
temporary witnesses to my life
and i hope someday
they'll learn as much as i have
and be at peace as much as i am
and have as much courage and hope as i do
(A actually is already there)
so they'd be happy as much
as i expect to be

I often wonder if my baby felt that it was going to be replaced soon... that's why it decided to bail out on me first... and has since been languishing at the Canon repair shop.

Service units are hard to come by. Its parts will be arriving next year pa.

Sigh.

Am looking at a picture-less Holidays.

I wish nde na magtampo my cam... I intended to pass it on to JRA's family anyway, where it can feast on a newborn girl come February. It's not like I was going to just throw it away or completely forget all about it.

I mean, it was my FIRST digicam after all.

It was my precious, my baby, my favorite toy.

It was, and always will be.

It's just that i've come at a point where a cam upgrade is necessary.

Gosh, I wish the wedding to be over soon so i'd have enough money to buy the cam I want.

*~*

Meanwhile, my Baby gave me a Nokia 7270... my first NEW phone for like... 4 years ata.

Somebody send me polyphonic ringing tones... meows would be nice...

I'd rrecord my moans in exchange for the favor, if you want... mwehehe.

This song has always been this catchy tune I associate with beaches and fun times... and maybe, certain Hollywood movies.

While compiling songs i'd want to be played for my wedding, I included it among the ones I want to greet my guests with at the reception, as they arrive.

Then it occurred to me that it might not be a 'happy' and 'inspirational' song at all... so I LISTENED to what it's saying for the first time.

Now, it's one of the songs that inspire me.

*~*

There are two ways to look at the song.

One is that it's a SAD song... imagine reaching a point where you're cryng for help to have strangers rescue you from a life you're not happy with... imagine being in a relationship where you were not able to show who you really are, much less, know who your partner really is... imagine your partner actually throwing caution to the wind to 'escape'

Another is that it's a HOPEFUL song... or one that should remind a person to have faith in his chosen love... for it turns out that the love you've been looking for IS already the one you're already with, and IN the one you're already with... it's just really there... the passion you're seeking...

I know how often, marriages end up in this catatonic-like state where the people involved lose interest in expressing their love and individuality... everything gets boring as people stop acting on how they really feel... but the love, it's always just there...

Isn't it nice to know that who you chose to be a witness to your existence... who you chose to love and live for/with... IS the one?

And isn't right now the perfect time to show each other that you have chosen well?

But yeah, you have to communicate... and work together...

And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

click here for the song's lyrics and melody

... is like being a child again.

My cousin is a great cook... but nothing will ever beat Mom's cooking. Arroz caldo for breakfast today was divine...

She lost a lot of weight. I look chubby if put side by side with her. She has complaints about her caregiving stint in the US but she also looks really happy. She loves all the people she's been taking care of (even if they're depriving her of mealtimes). Then again, she's one of those who seemed to have been borne to nurse and give care. Her charges are people who used to hold high positions (at NASA and in hospitals) who suffered from illnesses that reduced them to a state of second-childhood at the prime of their lives.

Anyway, because she has her earnings in the US and retirement pay for 30 or so years in the government service backing her up... she took us grocery shopping and my sis and I were like pakawala bilmokos :D Mom has been offering also to buy me this and that appliance :)

Anyway, here's looking forward to more of her cooking... more of her nurturing kakulitan to Py... her child-like shyness about small favors done for her...

Missed you, Mom!

... i'd know who among my friends would really take the time and effort to celebrate with me.

and i'd realize again which people are really in my life, eventhough i don't regularly connect with them...

Just last week, I was panicking and filled with anxiety... but a call from one of my closest friends was healing... helpful... soothing.

We talked as if it wasn't a year or so since we last saw each other, or talked to each other. So, I told her, "bestfriend talaga kita, it's like we just made chikahan yesterday"

We knew where each other were coming from.

We were finishing each other's sentences.

And come my wedding day, I know she's among the few who won't make paimportante and gripe about this and that, like being served last or not getting a giveaway.

In fact, she'd be among the few who'd help out... who'd greet my parents with familiarity and good wishes... who'd say a silent prayer IF they see Pyro about... who'd laugh at how I used to be, wacky and demented and ridden with commitment issues.

I missed you Libet. And am glad I can comfort Allee these days. And Icel will be bringing her hubby along. And hopefully, Lota still lives where they used to. And more hopefully, Fuz will attend and join the photo ops... for once.

There will be no chikahan talaga on my wedding day.

But I want to reconnect with my best friends. I think it's also the perfect time to have them all with me.

Not sure if i've already shared it here... how it's LEGEND to my Dad how, when I was younger and we attended Mass, I dipped my hand on the usual bowl of Holy Water, and proceeded to make the sign of the Cross on the angel statue holding the bowl.

Dad tells that story every chance he gets. I think he found me uber cute that time.

*~*

First of all, am saying a prayer for a certain Veluz Family... who lost a 2-month old child last Monday.

The child is my bestfriend's pamangkin... not even sure if it's a girl or boy. My friend doesn't talk much.

I feel so bad for him/them... esply since i've been asking my friend to pray for MY nephew... tas sya yung mawawalan ng pamangkin.

I hope, they can still find a reason to feel blessed this Christmas.

*~*

There is going to be a World Pyro Olympics you guys might want to check out with your families.

Last Monday, there were fireworks at the Closing Ceremonies of the SEA games. I thought of Py... how he'd love to see all those lights lighting up the sky. And then I learn of this event. Needless to say, I got depressed.

Still, i'm looking forward to this Christmas with my family. Not only is it a last Christmas of so many possibilities, both welcome and not, but also a Holiday that will complete my family again... now I can count on sotanghon and hot chocolate again, for Noche Buena. Last April, I didn't know who to spend Christmas with. Heaven was kind, He sent us back all those who migrated to the US... and we're all still alive (pwera bati).

*~*

Aside from wishing for a hassle-free and happy wedding and reception, I can't really come up with other things for a wish list.

But ok... a digicam upgrade is top on the list. My digicam has been officially broken for weeks now, and I dread not having it fixed by the time Christmas comes around.

Still, the plan is to get myself a new digicam to replace my original baby with... only, am having one heck of a trouble choosing what i'd get to replace it with.

I want to feel the upgrade... so more megapixels please! Before I was bent on a Rebel XT... but I figured I can't really be carting it with me all the time since it's both heavy and bulky.

So I said, something more compact this time. But the Canon S80's batteries leave MUCH to be desired... for me at least, who is used to shooting like crazy. That, and the fact that its pictures tend to be overexposed sometimes.

Am actually in love with Canon S2 IS... but it's bulkier and heavier than my present cam! Gosh, without batteries, it weighs about 400 gms. already! It's only 5 megapixels but its packed with power, and has 12x optical zoom. And it uses rechargeable Nimh batteries... like the ones am currently using! It can shoot up to 500 pics with the LCD on before running out of battery charge (comapred to s80's 200 shots).

Yes, yes... obviously the chances of getting the bigger cam is more likely, hehe. They cost the same too.

And yes, i've tried checking the reviews on other brands... but I can't seem to get excited about them. I think, for me, Canon will always ROCK where digital cams are concerned!

Now... what other things would I like? Gift certificates to spas would be nice. And the Calvin and Hobbes complete collection (gosh, it costs P7k ata).

The generic new shoes, bags and clothes, I guess...

Oh...i'd love trips... not sure if i'd have a honeymoon but i'd love to have trips!

I'd also wanna be rid of my allergies, but that would be too much to ask, I guess...

I'd also love MORE of that TORTA DE LOS REYES sans rival cake from Aristocrat... a new discovery (JRA is to blame) that got me hooked. It's chilled/frozen for best effect... and the alternating chocolate ganache-like icing, and the cream-icing.... ahhhh... ecstasies are made of them, I swear!

They melt in your mouth, teasing you with just enough sweetness... sigh, ansarap talaga!

Oh, i'd love to have swarovski necklace and super dangly earrings... to wear with my wedding gown.

And an oven so I can learn to bake... but that would be pretty scary for my loved ones since they'd be scared I'd start a fire :D

Santa Claus, I believed in you before... so please deliver NOW! :p

Because my Dad was busy, and my Mom wasn't here, the duty to witness my sister's capping ceremony (she's a Nursing student) fell onto me.

And though I forgot flowers for my sister, we were armed with a divicam as we strained our necks trying to spot her from all the bunned heads at the Plenary hall last Saturday.

Only, the ceremony took a really long time. And with over 400 students getting capped and pinned, twas a good thing I brought along the book I was re-reading (Needful Things). JRA fell asleep since there were 10 sections and my sister was in the 7th.

*~*

Looking around, one can't help but wonder about how many of the parents there sent their child to become a Nurse because it was what their kid wanted... and not because they were hoping a nursing stint will be their child's ticket abroad.

And of the 400+ students there, how many will really graduate?

Worse, how many will pass the Nursing Board here?

And how many will pass the Nursing Board in the US?

How many parents will have their hopes crashing down when a child fails to deliver?

And how much of the child's failure to deliver is due to a system of education that has been failing to really deliver?

Actually, all my sister's life, I was egging her to be a doctor. She seemed to like the idea anyway. Care-giving was one of her strong suits. But I guess she didn't feel confident enough.

As it is, her course schedule has been depriving her of both sleep and meal times.

Well, our plan anyway is to have her graduate... and then work in a hospital abroad. She and my cousin Adri are both US migrants anyway, so they can easily seek employment there.

After the exposure, and while working in the hospital setting as a nursing aide or whatever else, they can both review for the Nursing Board (NLEX?).

Hopefully, they'd be more prepared and trained then for it.

(then again, my sister was already being courted to work for a hotel last May, but we all wanted her to get a degree)

*~*

JRA notices:

Female nurses get to wear a cap. And they were called CAPPIES.

Male nurses get to don a pin. Shouldn't they be called PINNIES?

*~*

By the way, more on my sister.

*~*

And I can't help but feel nice about all the golds we're winning at the SEA games.

And feel really bad trip about Garcillano's seeming righteous indignation about being caught in an election scandal. The nerve! (wonder what he knows to be valuable enough for Moslems to protect him so)