new hopes and dreams

1:04 AM Thursday, January 04, 2007

I really do not want to dwell on it more than necessary, but I can't not acknowledge that I have these thoughts and fears, no matter how irrational they may be.

Py's passing led me feeling TWICE DENIED of motherhood, since I still haven't gotten preggy yet (and believe me, the questions are really starting to annoy big time!), and I lost a beloved nephew who I love as my own child.

And there are these silent fears... where before I secretly wondered whether I was unconsciously willing myself not to get pregnant because I was scared of what Py's parents were going through with him, or didn't want to be so happy and blessed when Py needed so much from us still... now, i'm wondering if I might unconsciously not want to get pregnant because the family is still grieving, and my child might not be as welcome, or they might look for Py in my child. And of course, every other child will fall short... when compared to a dead, but deeply loved, one.

I know, I know... not everything is about me. :)


I really hope to get pregnant this year. I am even seriously contemplating leaving work, thinking that maybe I am severely stressed by working in a job I no longer like, and doing something I don't feel passion for.

I'd really love to switch careers, but again, there's that silent wondering if the stress of a new job might not make reproduction harder.

I tell myself that people who are on drugs and in prison get preggy all the time... but this isn't about them. This is about me and my desire to build a family... not out of envy, not because i'm pressured by society, not because I want to please my husband, nor feel like 100% of a woman...

Heck, we're not even exactly that rich and my marriage still needs a lot of working on. But we've both always wanted to have kids and feel we're ready to step up. Come to think of it, there isn't any sane, logical reason to have a child either. Hehe.

So have I stressed enough how much I want to get preggy this year? :)

Of course, I also hope to do some more travelling. I wouldn't mind returning to Palawan. And I will join my hubs at his company outing to Boracay.

I am also praying that I can finally shelve my insecurities and give book writing a go. There are two particular requests/demands, which I secretly believe I can actually deliver once I gather the confidence and will to do so.

There is also that matter of losing weight. I am not yet obese, but I am wide. And if am willing myself to be a mother, I owe it to my future child/ren to be fit and healthy. It's just plain irresponsible to court disaster health-wise when you plan on having kids. They, after all, deserve the best... and that includes some level of assurance that i'd be around to actually enjoy them, nurture them, love them, and then let them go.

Hopefully, hubs will feel and do the same.

I also hope to be more kikay, so I would look more appealing and fresh and interesting... I have got to protect what little sex appeal I have got going, not because I want to play mistress to married men, so my self-esteem won't suffer in the long run...

Yes, healthy male attention is good. And liking what you see in front of the mirror is best (by more kikay, I meant, i'd indulge in more salon trips and what-nots, not become a teenage girl clone with loud nail polish and etc.).

And generally, I want to be a more loving MEc... always gently present where I should be.

I hope I dance better... this year.


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