les miserables...

8:50 PM Tuesday, September 11, 2007

... i am.

After almost a month of feeling like my old self, everything came crashing down again.

I feel bloated and heavy and gauche... my groin area hurts like hell everytime I move or shift in bed. Cramps are always threatening to overtake me. I can't manage long walks again. I constantly feel sleepy and exhausted.

And I find myself needing my husband always beside me again...

Ok fine, I am in my 36th pregnancy week. I can go into labor anytime...

And i've started feeling poor again... mostly because I can't spend any of our money since it's for the delivery. And there are all these things I want to buy... like more baby-related stuff, and a new phone, and gadgets for hubs. I don't even have enough to buy cocoa butter... sniff, sniff (ok, I know I really shouldn't complain since we did eat at Friday's last Sunday, and I have been drowning myself in ice cream since). And I am 'allowed' to spend... hubs has always been gracious about letting me shop anyway. I just hate lines at the check-out counters. :D

And then there's the birthday blues... I am turning 30 in less than a month. I'm not really mourning my youth just yet since I don't exactly feel ancient... but it is rather a milestone year, is it not? But I can't celebrate it with a party since we don't really know when i'd be giving birth... aside from the expense, i'm also too tired to actually plan even an afternoon merienda with friends.

And then there's my maternity leave and resignation... aside from having to cram finishing up deadlines, I'm also hard-pressed to sort my files/archives to save my personal files. We're also transferring offices so all the files that should be properly added to our central file must also be submitted to our clerk. I have an entire desk of personal belongings to sift through... and bring home. And i'm too lazy to do it... but i'm running out of time to do so. Tsk.

And then there's me, about to pop and all, getting myself much too involved in someone else's family drama.

And i'm missing Py a lot again.

And there are all these fears the impending delivery brings... all these anxieties of what ifs that hound me, whether awake or sleep.

And there are these crying jags again... the need to just sob and sob and sob with no real reason for doing so.

Sigh. So miserable... I might as well go get my ice cream.


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