MEComposing

I've been wondering lately if I have such a thing.

Because sure, there is this calling to always be the sensual, naughty, SPO person that I am.

And sure, there have been many times when I wanted to initiate men to the wonders of the female form... and because I used the word initiate, yes, i mean young boys (but i don't mean total teeners).

And sure, I want certain men to never forget the delights I have had them experience with me... how I let them explore me and own me and mark me.

Nor how I, in turn, made them my sex slave by demanding from them, by challenging them, by making them feel like a sexual god.

I also sometimes wish I have more of me to share with other men... to chastise them for thinking that they've had it great, to challenge their beliefs that they're any good, to educate them to the minute differences of pleasuring a woman and being one with a woman.

And there's all these other guys i've exchanged naughty conversations with... and guys i've almost had encounters with (if only I wasn't so easily hassled, and didn't take hassles as a sign to not continue)... who deem me as the best sex they never had...

Yes, there's that part of me that really wants to 'spread the love' only it's really spreading the "perfect sexual experience"...

But alas, eventhough I feel i'd make a wonderful (if not legendary) courtesan... motherhood has always been my higher calling.

And wifehood.

I cannot deny the woman that I am but I also will not deny the woman I intend to become.

And besides, I never really like bedding just anyone.

So baka nga hindi inner-whore.

Inner-sex goddess lang.

Was absent from work since Wednesday.

Wednesday, I was just too sick to go to work because of allergies aggravated by the government's austerity measures (turning the a/c on and off at certain times to 'save' on electricity).

Thursday, Pyro got re-admitted for his chemo treatment.

Friday, I was just too exhausted.

Saturday, attended a wedding.

Sunday, relieved cousin in the hospital.

Monday, attended a healing rally by Father Corsie for Pyro.

*~*

A guy privately messages me in MTC:

"HI, i'm arthur, from laguna
age 30. married with 3 kids. looking for fun.

how about you?"

I reply:

"Oh yeah? Maybe you should take your kids to Avilon Zoo"

:D

*~*

Speaking of which, I did go to Avilon Zoo just recently.

*~*

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know what
i know we're just friends
and i know am more unavailable right now because i am getting married
and i know you're going thru a lot because you've recently been heartbroken
and i know you have other things that keep you busy
and i know that nothing i can do can really cheer you up
or make you feel better
and i know am not the one you want nor need
and i know you mostly keep quiet about things that hurt or bother you

but knowing all those things still don't stop me from getting hurt or upset
when i don't hear from you
i think i've really, really grown attached to our routine....
the usual reminders to eat or sleep
the assured companionship
and i guess it doesn't help
that although i've mostly been in love with other guys
you're the one who have been a constant fixture in my life
so yes, you were the man in my life
and i've grown accustomed to being the girl in yours
so even in the times that am the one preoccupied with other things
i miss the usual treatment from you
yes, how unfair and irrational

and i guess this is something i shouldn't resist
the changes in our friendship
and i guess it's always hard saying goodbye
even if it's not really a goodbye

anyway, i just really hope you grow to be more actively passionate
for those you care about
same way that i hope our friendship will continue to blossom
and afford us a harbor
in times that we'd need one
and you shall forever remain very important and precious to me
same way that i believe i am to you

and wouldn't it be nice if our kids ended up as friends too?

My birthday last week resulted in really great gifts :)

My sister knew i've been wanting a green bag for the green shoes I want to buy. Well, I still have yet to see green shoes I really like. But I love the bag and appreciate the fact that Rez wanted to give me something more special for my birthday, it being the last birthday i'll have as a single woman. Before, she used to just give me white chocolates.

In preparation for my digicam upgrade, JRA bought me this from HK. I guess it's really going to be a conjugal property, but it still tickles me pink to be suddenly having all these gadgets. And it makes me feel closer to my dream cam :D

Yes, I still have yet to learn to use the shooting modes in my cam but...

Speaking of gadgets, this one i've been really loving ever since I got it. It's not an IPod but I don't really care. It's 512 mb of music and mostly, it contains Dawson's Creek songs and dance hits from the 90s. When am feeling sleepless or travelling long hours to Quezon Ave, it's what keeps me company.

And JRA was thoughtful enough to include 12 GP batteries that last for 12 hours each. *Happiness*

But of course, the favorite gift is this Anna Sui perfume :) It's vanilla scent is sooo sweet and sooo fresh and mild. The instruction is to wear this scent on my wedding day :)

Unfortunately for me (who still has several bottles of different vanilla perfumes/colognes), it works so well with my pheromones that I become more attractive to insects. Ahehe.

*~*

By the way, I got the 7 cakes before my birthday, and got another cake on the day of my birthday.

I wouldn't post the remaing four anymore because visitors have been getting diabetes just by looking at the pics :D

*~*

Sunday before my birthday, had college barkada have dinner at my home. We were missing one in the peer group but we still had lost of fun catching up with each other and reminsicing about what things we used to crazily do (like cook 10 pancit cantons for us 5, and then let them make me eat half of it because the otehr two would eat crackers instead).

It was like we're that young again... falling easily into former roles and laughing just as easily at each other's jokes.

I sooo love ABWB :)

Allee, Jerry, Me and Bhing

*~*

I've decided to take control and be a little happier here again. The thing I didn't want to do (create a separate blog just for Py) seemed the wiser thing to do now. I want some sort of separation from the pain Py's sickness is bringing into our lives to the other aspects of my life.

I also think it's better if I document the ups and downs of his confinement, his struggle, his fight in a separate blog where others may even learn... or get support for their own troubles.

IN TIMES OF PAIN, writing has always given me some solace.

One can always contend that one is never without the capacity to do something.

But I sure feel helpless right now.

Helpless because I'm in the office and was not the one who talked to Pyro's doctor and was not able to grill him with questions.

Helpless because the lab and the doctors at PCMC have been on Pyro's case for a week now and all we can get are "initial findings", sometimes giving us hope (yesterday, negative biopsy findings, possible tuberculoma), sometimes making us feel hopeless (today, malignant tumor).

Helpless because the dang DOH site and Philippine Cancer Society couldn't be bothered to really update their websites with more current information and statistics.

Helpless because if it's really lung cancer, I have yet to find a site in the internet that will tell me it's NOT the Number 1 Cancer killer all over the world, and we've already been in limbo for ten days, we may be running out of precious time.

Helpless because I can't find any articles about lung cancer in children that seem to answer my questions, except they all say that second-hand smoking is the usual cause (aside from asbestos inhalation).

And I wonder, IF it's really lung cancer, could it be possible that all this is the result of his mother being a 2ndhand smoker because she used to frequent bars as a singer in a band... well into her pregnancy?

My colleagues at work tell me they're impressed (or confused) with my seemingly COOL and CALM attitude towards this... but am so very far from that.

All I know right now is that Pyro is a child we love very much.

just the other week
i was
watching you go about
your merry antics
singing along with the TV
singing "happy birthday" to me
amazed
as always
that you're brimming with
life
and mirth
and yet scared
envisioning
skinned knees soon
or possible bullying
at school
for you

we both missed your
godfather badly
and when he came
and we were hugging
you so adorably tried
to take his attention
away from me
but was gracious enough
to settle for
hugging his leg
instead
and of course
we found you cute
and i gave way for him
to gather you in his arms
and hold me
another time

weirdly enough
you taking his attention
from me
endears him more to me
and you, clamoring to
tell him stories
and make "lambing"
makes me all the more
in love with you
and makes us look forward
some more
to having kids like you
you
a bundle of drool
and snot and grime
and icky poo

but then
it's always taken just
a smile from you
or hearing you
call our name
(in that sweet, sweet voice
of yours
that bodes of naughty things
to come)
for our trifle worries to
evaporate
for fatigue and stress to go away
and for us to
remember
there are far greater things
that move this world

and now i hope
you'd live long enough
to understand
how painful the past days
have been for us
watching you cry
seeing you scared
gritting our teeth
as we suffer the look
of betrayal in your eyes
when we pin you down to beds
to be poked and prodded
and needled and marked
make no mistake
dearest
we'd spare you from pain
if we could
oh, if only
we could

we know
you're braver and far more
resilient
than the average child
someday, we hope you'd
understand
without having to go through
the same
and in the meantime
stay as sweet
and brave as you are
the worst is yet to come, Py
but help is on its way
and family, friends
and strangers alike
are praying so you can
go home soon

with a wish that the next time
you return to a hospital
will be to welcome
your own firstborn

- Poem for Py, 06 Oct 2005

*~*

And so the clock ticks slowly for us as we await the biopsy results. Bloody fluid in his lungs suggests real darkness ahead but we cannot be without HOPE.

He's started medication for primary complex... and he's still a demanding little fellow who pollutes his surroundings with the noise from his chicken key chain.

Yesterday, he asked me to leave my "baby" with him. It's a small crawling baby (half of a thumb) I got from a friend in college that i've always had with me.

And again, I'd like to thank those who have been praying with us.

*~*

Aside:

My horrible love affair with rats is getting freakier. Coming from the hospital last Thursday night, I entered our compound with my family. A street rat seemed to have been going thru our neighbor's garbage can and was surprised by us so it rushed headlong onto us... or should I say, me.

Surprised and terrified of them as always, I lost my balance and managed to twist my right ankle... and lost my balance again to come crashing down on my already bad leg. My dad would have laughed (imagine getting into an accident when am just two doors from our home?) if he wasn't so worried to see his firstborn sprawled on the ground, unable to stand up.

I missed work again last Friday, being unable to walk. Saturday, I could limp very well.

Yesterday ended with my brother and I missing work, and my sister missing school. The talk with Pyro's pedia proved devastating and I can't help but thank the heavens that Py was asleep and didn't see us break down and cry.

It's just all the frutration and fear and worry and concern and pity for someone so young to find himself in such a situation.

And again, I find myself wondering how his pedia could have missed this, when Py's breath sounds differ so for each lung. There's also this basic flicking thing you can do on a kid's back to check for any congestion. A clear lung has a totally distinct sound (more hollow, echoing one). But we're past finding someone to blame. At least my hipag will finally allow us to get another pediatrician for Py once all these has passed.

But the worst is yet to come... for him, for all of us. 2 hospitals and 4 days into this crisis, we know that life will be harder and sadder once Py undergoes all the treatments necessary for him to recover his health.

And because there was some miscommunication, our transfer from Metropolitan Hospital to PCMC yesterday was anything but smooth. (six hours at the ER!)

And in the midst of the emotional and physical exhaustion, I appeal to the attending nurse at the ER for a doctor, because Pyro seemed feverish.

She sternly called my attention to the fact that one child just had cardiac arrest and was being revived by the doctors... and so many other babies were either lying in beds/cots or taking comfort in their mother's arms... also unattended.

Most of them also with fever.

And I had to silence a petulant "But I love Pyro!" voice in my head... and managed to feel sufficinetly chastised and slightly ashamed.

For in the great scheme of things, Pyro's health (life) is no more or less important than the other babies'. And most of the babies there were actually just infants, some premature and awaiting their chance to an incubator or at the ICU... and most came from really poor families where getting an X-ray is something one can only do when they have disposable funds... where parents wait with their young just to be nebulized...

While we have our own nebulizer at home.

Metropolitan said they're not equipped to deal with what's wrong with Pyro... so they directed us to Philippine Children's Medical Center (PCMC) where the experts are.

And because we're PAY Patients, we were led to an anteroom where one can actually sit... and where a child is allowed more than the ONE allowable companion.

And we bridged the length of the ER thankful that we're still blessed, and depressed with the disparity in attention and care.

God blessed us furthermore by allowing me to secure the one last room available in the hospital...

And so, though it breaks my heart to see Pyro sick... I am also reminded that so many others are also sick.

This isn't personal.

I just wish MORE can be given and done for them all.

*~*

Trying times are ahead of us... I can't imagine right now any light, happy post forthcoming.

Though life isn't without JOY... where there is LOVE, there is always JOY.

Still, I want to thank all those who still visit... and i'd understand if others stop because it's depressing in here... and I thank those who offer prayers for strangers like me.

... but it was bad.

Actually, my birthday couldn't have been better... but some things happened that also made me wish it wasn't my birthday.

First, my bestfriend is hurting. And I have no idea how to comfort him. I've gotten used to him being my emo crutch for so long, always looking out after me, always listening to my rants, always assuring me that bad times will pass. And now, i'm not exactly sure how to reach out to him and really help... esply since he seldom volunteers information, especially about personal problems. I'm just so sad that he's sad and am just praying he'd be happy again.

But yes, I assured him am just around... in case he needs me.

He's sweet... he gave me one of my 7 cakes and was the first to greet me HAPPY BIRTHDAY yesterday (apart from JRA of course, who I was still making kulit with at the stroke of midnight).

Second, Pyro is confined at the Metropolitan Hospital right now due to pneumonia. We're hoping he'd respond to antibiotics otherwise they have to do something more drastic.

I don't even want to dwell on the fact that we're all so bothered by this and that i want to change his pediatrician... and his father. I know kids get sick but this one could have been checked early at least.

I'm sure he's going to be ok now. I'm HOPING he's going to be ok. I'm WILLING him to be ok.

And I don't want to cry because my brother and sister have both already shed tears (actually, my brother couldn't stand watching Py get 6 different needles (?) attached to him while pleading "Tama Na Po!"). I don't want to sound OA and melodramatic but we just really love that kid!

Prayers for him will be really appreciated.