the goal of life is death

9:15 AM Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Got really high praises from a really respected professor in college when I explored that thought for a reflection paper... I don't know anymore what I wrote, but my prof said that I made her look at death in so many new perspectives. (someday, when heaven allows it, I'd go rummaging through old school stuff and maybe post my paper.. someday... )

Anyway, anybody with as much fascination with death and mortality, raise your foot!!!

Not that i'd ever be among those loonies who cloak themselves in darkness and morbidly eschew anything delightful...

And I don't go around declaring the end of the world is near... Nor will you find me committing every transgression in the book since, we could all die anytime anyway...

I'm not that kind of morbid.

Ok, so what kind am i?

First, there's that habit of imagining really unpleasant deaths to befall upon someone who's irritated, upset, betrayed me... and that rush of catharsis when am able to imagine digging their graves and seeing that little piece of cross over the mounds that serve as their resting place in my mind...

Very non-violent of me, right?

At least I don't gouge their eyes out or exhaust myself in coming up with provocative and ugly epithets.

And then there's how, deaths are such a big thing for me, eventhough the death wasn't mine, wasn't in our family or my circle of friends. Just like break ups, I seem to have to know the details of that last goodbye... heck, I even like heroes and heroines dying... I like unhappy endings.

And then, there's this episodal thing, the last of which was yesterday... wherein i'd be passionately thinking of someone and suddenly get to thinking... what if he's having an accident right now?

And suddenly i'd be racked with a sense of loss and fear so real that i'd be choking back tears and feeling nauseous...

And a feeling of remorse... of guilt... that my thinking of that person was sooo strong, he became alive and real inside me, so real it feels apocalyptic of something bad happening... as if thinking of that person invites disaster to befall him...

Like yesterday, I was thinking of my sister all day... and this fear that if I don't make the carbonara she was requesting, she might come to harm... or even if I did make it, she'd still come to harm... I'd come home and she won't be, etc.

It's sooo silly, I know... and so negative... I know...

But i've had many such episodes... or streams of such thought... I just chalk it up to an overactive imagination... and an innate defense mechanism to always be prepared for the worst...


allergies go away
come again another day
sexy me wants to play


Post a Comment