some kinda anorexic

4:10 PM Friday, May 16, 2008

It feels cruel to even use the term loosely...

But it's really weird. I didn't notice that I was shedding all the weight. Then one day, I just realized all my clothes lay limp on my body already. I hadn't realized that I was going around looking like a combination of ghost and house help.

I was back to my pre-wedding weight... only my form is wider. But I was back to my pre-wedding weight.

And everyone is just gasping at how much weight i've lost.

And it felt weird telling them that I didn't go on a diet, didn't really exercise.

And then, this unexplainable appetite came upon me... that I found myself eating around six full meals, on average, daily. Eventhough i'm full already, I couldn't help myself... I had to eat. Somehow, my body went into panic... so I was going on binge overdrive. We even thought I might be pregnant again, but am not.

So now i've gained 3 lbs. back. And that feels weird too. I am torn between glee over the weight gain, and sadness too. I mean, of course the weight loss meant I was a healthier weight. But I am still struggling with the ravenous appetite. Heaven help me, it's horrible to be in this unconscious tug of war.

I have to start eating healthy again. And I have to manage my weight instead of being motivated by it. I owe it to myself. There are a thousand sunsets I have yet to witness with my family.


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