MEComposing

It's official... 3 consecutive days of rain or cold weather and I'm gonna have to be sexually fulfilled...

This is bad...

Jet was everything the woman I thought she'd be... funny, intelligent, charming, warm, strong...

We had some girl time alone... she talked about the early years of her marriage... got me misty-eyed a lot of times... ooohh, then again, am just a super-sensitive freak...

Then we were joined by towers of chink and all kinds of lovable...

It was every bit the meeting I wanted it to be... and I needed it to be...

See you next year ulit sis... Merry Christmas...



*~*

THIS LITTLE MAN IS GOING TO LIPA FOR CHRISTMAS...

date with college friends : Rob Place, Dec. 20, 2003
date with jet : Mega Mall, Dec. 22, 2003

A week before Christmas and I still haven't bought my family anything... and I am suffering from on-and-off fever and allergic rhinitis...

How does one exactly behave in a wake?

How does one behave if it's the wake of your friend's father... the man who kept peeping on you all these years since... 1994? Add to that, he's also the father of 3 other guys who watched you dress and undress since they moved in next to your bedroom window.

All I can say is... it was more than a trifle creepy and awkward. Of course, my sis and cousins are all creeped out at home. But still, I owed my high school friend and neighbor my presence. And so I went.

I could just die when the son who tried dating me was offering me some juice and crackers. And no offense meant to the dead, am sure he was a good father and grandfather... but I've never been ok with the idea of looking at lying corpses inside coffins, what more... him?

Memories of him lying wait to watch me in different states of dress and undress... couldn't escape me. Sigh...

Then again, can I just say that all 3 sons by him are single and very much available right now? Dang...

*~*

Have I ever said that a man in plain, white, round-collared shirt turns me on? Especially if he can wear it real ruggedly while appearing squeaky clean at the same time? Ooooh.... the man with me at the jeep was soooo... enticing to look at. And his lashes... sooo tantalizingly looong... I couldn't help but wonder how it is to be given butterfly kisses by him...

Such sinful thoughts so early in the morning... tsk tsk tsk

I don't know what I had planned around this week last year, or this date last year... but my cellphone has been reminding me to uhm... exercise my PC muscles all day...

Hmmm...

This is my new love.



Actually, I'd always be in love with THE COMPANY... and i'd always love their songs... and watching them, and being to actually see their faces, last night at Klownz... was a really great thing for me.

Hinihintay sa buhay ko
Isang magmamahal
Ngunit habang hinihintay
Lalong tumatagal
Malapit nang mapagod
Ang puso kong ito
Pero teka, sandali lang
May sasabihin ako sa iyo

Chorus
Hindi kaya...
Ikaw...
Baka ikaw na nga
Meron ka bang naramdaman
Akala ko'y wala
Parang ngayon sa tingin ko
Sa kilos mo't galaw
Siguro nga ikaw na yon
Ano kaya ikaw ba yun
Siguro nga ano kaya
Baka ikaw

Pag hindi hinahanap
Saka dumarating
Ganon ba ang pagibig
di ko lang to napansin
Nariyan ka lang pala
Pinagod pang puso ko
Pero teka sandali lang
May sasabihin ako sa iyo

Repeat Chorus

ON FAMILY

My cousin is borrowing money from me. He's also concerned that other people might talk about how he's not the one spending for his eldest child's 7th birthday party... He also keeps insisting that the mother of that child has brainwashed her against her own father... and that, if only he'd have a decent job, he'd get Ela from her mother and have her live with his mother.

Such intentions, he believes, make him a good enough father. And I, in my pain for my niece, couldn't bring myself to point out to him the following things:

* he doesn't give money for milk, food and education for the child
* he has missed every birthday this child has
* he threw a party w/ clowns for both of his sons w/ his wife... a party where this first daughter is present...
* he missed this child's graduation from Kindergarten

I wasn't brainwashed by the mother of that child. I know he's lacking as a father and I hate him for it. I love his other kids. But I hate him for hurting Ela... no child should be treated that way. And she deserves a 7th birthday party... and she's getting it.

*~*

My brother, who couldn't buy milk for his son, is saving up for a new cellphone w/ a camera. His partner, who couldn't buy diapers for the baby, can treat my sister and cousins to bars and drinks... and also buy useless toys for the child. My mother, who budgets for the household expenses, keeps on complaining that none of us is helping out... while also buying milk and diapers for the baby. My father, who has retired to the province, only cares that we visit him there. Me, because I don't want my mother complaining about money, will buy the ilk and diapers instead for my nephew. Aside from this, I would buy groceries for the house. And still, I will be deemed... not helping out.

And now, they've come to a decision to further enable my poor excuse for a brother to become more self-insufficient. They are expanding the house. They are giving them a bigger room. They are getting my brother's room air-conditioned since my nephew has skin asthma. And who gets obligated to foot the additional expenses? Of course, the single, working aunt. Me.

And though I will never regret buying milk for my nephew (I love the child so much, everyone knows that)... it really hurts me how unfair this is all for me. How come, my brother gets to pull such acts and get away with it? Why are thunderbolts and lightning not striking my brother down? He's useless anyway.

It frustrates me... up to when will my Mom let my brother get away with this? Why are my parents harder on me when he's the man who has a son to provide for now? And don't I have a f*ckin' right to be tired? Makes me wanna get married just to move out the house.

I am no saint of a daughter. Yes, I could help out more. Yes, I do have a stable job and I AM single. But my point is, when do they teach my brother some responsibility?

What will happen to my nephew if my Mom isn't around anymore to provide for him?

ON LOVE

Looking back at all that i've gone through... I can't help but smile, laugh and feel bad about all the things i've done and all the things that were done to me.

Again, even in moments when I wasn't first choice, even in moments when, a seemingly more conservative girl was chosen over me... or a prettier girl was wanted over me... I'm glad to know that I have always gotten really good men. I have always been loved by really kind men. And the occasional jerks and weirdos are but the icing on the choco-caramel cake.

Ahhh... my love life. Rich. Tempting. Exciting. Orgasmic. Sinful. Memorable. Wonderful. Harsh. Enlightening. Enriching.

And not without its consequences.

ON SEX

It's funny, I realized I could eject dicks when am laughing, so I probably can do that at will. Especially since I can grip at will and have experienced the occasional LOCKS wherein a man believes for a moment that he'd lose his d!ck to my Miau. Then again, never underestimate the power of a vagina, right?

Anyway, my sex life has been great. Apart from getting scared of aggravating my UTI (which I experienced na long before I had sexual encounters), and the occasional no-hole/wrong-hole pumps that couldn't help but hurt... I've really had a more than great time exploring and enriching my sensuality... my sexuality.

And feeling other women's boobies nowadays is just a naughty something that adds to that rich celebration of my body.

And thank God for gentle, loving... lovers.

And up to now, I do not mourn the virginity I gave up so many years ago. And I do not mourn not having waited to get married before having sex.

Also, I do not mourn the lost opportunities... for all the men who have propositioned me and promised me heavenly delights... that I turned away.

And ahhh, the fun i've had. And the stories this body can tell...

I am not doing a good job at NOT COMPLICATING things... tsk tsk

On the verge of tears
all day
On the verge of getting mad
maybe even getting even
On the verge of going mad
maybe even dying
On the verge of giving up
in loving, in living
On the verge of tears
all day
With the words of love
i'm no longer hearing

On the verge of tears all day
Glassy-eyed and sad
On the verge of tears all day
Feeling lost and trapped
In a dream of despair and misery
Because of you, me and our memories...

- for what it's worth... a friend came through for me again yesterday... and I thank him...

DETACHMENT

should have been this good word that affords people an opportunity for objectivity... for a greater perspective of things... for a more rational decision...

How come then it's something that has made me more a prisoner of my irrational thinking? How come it's pushing loved ones away? How come I cannot even turn to friends for some consolation? How come I just grow sadder and infinitely more closed to the people I need and want in my life?

And the funny thing that has never occurred to me before is that one can get lost in his detachment... because sooner or later, the things you hold dear get lost.... are taken away... move on... give up...

And you wake up from your daze, from that place where you sought solace in, believing you NEEDED the respite from the pain... and you wonder where all the important things have gone... and what things, persons, memories you are still attached to...

*~*

A reason to smile.... my friend, Bhing, is due to give birth on Dec. 17. When I told the news to another friend, Allee.. she asked...

"Aba, at sino naman ang mahiwagang ama?"

Ahhh.... another sign that society has evolved into a funnier or weirder world.... where anything and everything can happen.

*~*

First time I ate at Pier One... there's this new one at Buendia, where the old Boom na Boom used to be... and anyway, am in love with vanilla ice cream milk shake. Sigh... it was just really perfect...

Got back from Davao yesterday... still amazed at the warmth and intensity of the reception they gave us... still reeling from the buffet at Marco Polo Hotel... still sick of durian and pomelo... still drowsy at the remembrance of going up and down in that dang elevator...

*~*

What do I want to do today... just sleep... I'm feeling all kinds of sad and self-destructive...

Ok... angelfire keeps kicking me out. Village Photos also leaves much to be desired. So... unless I get to upload pics for free somewhere and link them here... I will not be posting pics anymore.

It's such a hassle having to do damage-control when they kick me out eh...

And I have other things to spend money on...

So, myself in a tame but new bathing suit... you guys will have to miss...

My friend Libet is getting married. She first went steady with the guy last April 01, 1998. They will get married May 08, 2004. 6 years of going steady...

It was with a sigh of relief that I greeted her news. Finally, she's getting what she's been wishing for. Finally, the guy is willing commit totally. Finally, she will quit smoking soon. Finally, she can start having babies soon and maybe beat the deadline given to her by her ObGyne.

*~*

Weirdly enough, as I was pouring thru magazines for any tips I can give her... and to further torture her with details... I started thinking about uhm.. well... my own wedding.

I want to get married on the 28th of December, and no, it's not some bizaare fascination with the same date 2 year old boys and younger were slaughtered... I've just always attached a different meaning to NIÑOS INOSENTES, thinking that I want to get married innocent and hopeful of heart and mind...

Not that it's happening anytime for me soon...

*~*

Of legs and thighs

Hopeful... that was how I started this day...

Of course, the mosquito bites I found all over my arms and legs couldn't be the reason for that...

Then, as I was un-boarding this FX, I noticed this cute guy behind the wheel, getting gas... and I was feeling kikay enough to preen...

And got my thumb caught by the FX door as I was closing it...

And to think I seldom actually try to catch someone's attention... sheesh

*~*

No more tears left for me... I tried to comfort myself last night with them and some slow music but the radio in my room refused to cooperate... and I haven't really been feeling anymore as of late...

*~*

I should really not be so stupid to think and hope that just because I love a man should it mean that he can't move on without me... that just because I may want to still end up with him should it mean that there is no better woman out there... a sweeter, kinder soul than can satisfy his dreams and wants and needs... someone else who can spell the difference between happiness and loneliness for him...

I lose my rights to spell that difference when I say goodbye to someone... I lose my rights to someday claim OUR future dreams...

If only i'd keep on remembering...

How do you tell someone you can't be with him anymore because you feel, he didn't preserve the best of him for you?

What if, it was you that didn't take care of yourself... your past... your choices... which offends and hurts this person that loves you now... leading him to a choice where he can't be with you anymore?

Where does one draw the line in doing something for oneself... and considering how loved ones might be affected by one's choices?

How can a trait so highly admired in you by others be abhorrent to your loved one?

How can a person tell you he loves you and still make love to another person...?

And how can you love a person and yet feel better about who you are when not with him?

Congruence... congruence...

*~*

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off where the DRIFTS GET DEEPER
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"You must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't alyways be around"

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear


What is the right question....

Mec, when are you going to love YOU as much as So-and-So loves you?

or

So-and-so, when are you going to love Mec as much as she does herself?

I'm not sure what happened to my mountaineering blog... I seem to have lost it... and I don't know how... anyway...

Tomorrow... I climb Guis-Guis... again, may Banahaw find me worthy...

And in advance, I thank everyone who's been giving me moral support, but most of all... my fellow pasaways... for being such good friends and team mates

I have been kidding a lot of my friends about jumping off Banahaw this weekend... and how i'd do it at Durungawan III instead of Durungawan I since I don't wanna be sharing a tombstone with BULOY...

Anyway, I feel shitty and all... and I didn't really know that... I could so speedily plunge into the same darkness that I was in last 1999... darkness sooo total that I actually wish and wish and wish i'd just die...

Just die... I don't even take care of myself when I cross streets now... I just wish and wish and wish for everything... everything... to stop...

But alas... i'm either too weak or too strong to contemplate suicide... I don't know, I've always deemed it as a coward's way out... and i'd always, probably even hypocritically, tell myself that i'm not a coward... i'm just... tired...

And then I think... I love my loved ones too much to bail out on them... how i can never put my parents or my sister through a suicide... especially my sister... and now that Pyro has come into my life, I feel all the more responsible to be alive...

And I think, that is what ultimately separates people who commit suicide from people who don't... the knowledge that he is needed... the feeling that he's responsible for somebody else's life... somebody else's happiness...

And then I also can't help but wonder how strong my desire to live is... if I encounter an accident now and will be attached to tubes and stuff, would I really have what it takes to fight for my life? Would my spirit be stronger than my flesh? Would I actually WILL myself to live?

And so, why am I wishing to DIE now?

*~*

One other thing about suicide...

I sincerely wish that my family, past, present and future will always be composed of averagely intelligent human beings... and not geniuses who, because of their special uniqueness, can no longer allow their lives to be touched by someone else...

I would rather have kids worrying over how to be loved more and to love more... and how to get more out of life... than have them contemplating on religion, God's existence and their own... unable to enjoy moments and just believe that they were born for a purpose...

Also, I would rather have my kids live a congruent life... able to express how they really feel without having to hide from masks...

And I would demand that my kids, however much it might pain me as well, to get used to troubles as soon as possible... to be tested by life in different ways... to know how it is to be scarred and to stumble... and get back up again and heal...

*~*

Note to self: Believe that things hurting you now WILL pass... that you will get the congrunece you so seek... and that... you should always take care in crossing streets...

MGA HALIMAW NA NAKAPALIBOT LAGI SA BABY

I didn't think i'd smile so early... or that I could really feel any hope today... but I heard the following over the radio while going to work...

Do not ask what you owe the world, ask instead what makes you feel ALIVE... because that's what the world needs, people who are ALIVE

I cannot deny the WOMAN I am...

SENSUAL... I like pleasurable things... I like gentle words... I like stimulating conversations... I like touching... I like connecting... I like being aware... I like feeling alive...

FLIRTATIOUS... and even exhibitionistic... a shameless flirt who loves stimulating banters... an attention whore eventhough I don't necessarily strip in clubs or go out of my way to have everyone's eyes on me...

EXPRESSIVE... even though my heart is like an ocean filled with secrets and half-thoughts... I don't like keeping what I think shouldn't be kept inside... lest I burst, lest I become represed, lest it inhibit me from being who I am, lest I encourage false expectations about myself...

CONSERVATIVE... i've always known my place, my boundaries... even though I test and challenge them myself... i'd always value institutions like marriage and families... i'd always defer to a life purpose... i'd always put premium on things like honesty, loyalty, trust, respect and growth...

INTELLIGENT... and still learning about living and loving

LIBERAL... I want sex and my sexuality to be an OK thing... not something I should shy away from... not something I cannot share with other people, through words of wisdom, encouragement, rebuke... I want to celebrate how good it feels being a woman... I do not define intimacy as something totally secret...

DISCRIMINATING.... much as I like attention, much as I glorify my body... or sex, in general... I never felt I owed anyone anything... and therefore choose my friends well... and who I cavort naked with... Only I decide when and where and for whom to spread my legs for... regardless of whether he may already be a lover who'd feel I owe him that... because i've never been easy... i've never been a slut... Had I the capacity for immorality, i'd have been wallowing in free & expensive dinners now, topped with equally expensive gifts and trips...

VULNERABLE... I am as easily hurt as the next woman... I have hopes that can easily be dashed... I have feelings... I still don't have any armor against rejection, prejudice, unrealistic expectations... and yet, have my own silent expectations from my family, my friends, my lover...

ADVENTUROUS... I want to try new things, and meet as many people as I can... to learn from them and teach them some things myself... I want to explore my limits... I want to know how far I can go without losing myself... and killing myself... or doing harm to myself except for the sleepless nights I spend away dancing/hanging out with friends...

HOPEFUL... ROMANTIC even... never, for a day, giving up on my ultimate dream, to become a mother to children I will forever love and protect... and wife to a man who love me as passionately as I love him...

I am all these things and many more. I know I am becoming a better person. I know I will mellow out someday. I know that my priorities will always be both dynamic and fixed... I know what's true in my heart even if I don't say or show it... I know the most important things in my life... and I know the people I'd really hope I won't have to live without...

I'm a woman... with my own personality, my own interests, my own life to live... I have been hurt before and isn't really looking forward to all the other things that are sure to hurt me yet...

I'm a woman... and yet still human... I live therefore I love... I love therefore I hurt... I'm imperfect and unique therefore I cannot help but hurt myself, or other people... no matter how I love them...

*~*

Enchang is a stage actress who admits that she's had abortions before... and yet she still found Mari Kaimo, a man, who loved and married her despite her past... despite who she was and because of who she's become due to her past...

I like to believe that my outspokenness in Pex, MTC, MyG and my blog... my seeming lack of concern of who gets to read about intimate things about myself... or even promiscuous posts exchanged in jest with online friends... and my lack of regard for whoever gets to see some sexy pictures of myself.... I like to believe that those things are still far lesser crimes to humanity... and my future husband...

And if she can find someone who was able to accept her and love her still... surely, someday... a man would embrace what kind of woman I am and love me for it... surely, someday... a man would accept that my exhibitionistic streak can never take away from my capacity to love and care for him... from my capacity to be loyal and true... Surely, someday... a man would believe that I love him and bank his faith on me... not on what other people may perceive me to be... and not how I project myself on other people...

Because he'd be loving me... and he'd be having a relationship with me...

Surely, someday... that can... and will... happen...

I wonder why... since last Tuesday night... i've been terribly, terribly sad... close to inconsolable really...

What could I possibly cannot put into words? What did I realize? What truth lies in the pain in my chest?

What is not making me sleep these days...

What do I have to do about it...

Nobody told me it feels so good,
Nobody said you would be so beautiful,
Nobody warned me about your smile,
Your the light,
Your the light,
When i close my eyes,
Im colourblind.

- Colourblind {Darius}

... ha! someday... someone would mean those words for moi...

There are 21 office tables in my department. 1 conference table. A mezzanine with a wooden bed, with cushion. 2 big sofas. A stairway leading to the mezzanine. Lots of floor area. A copy machine. And 3 doors using the same key.

And I finally have my own key to our office...

Go figure the implications of... that... one... key...

Thanks to my blog-friend Vidar... I managed to lose the scroll bar in this blog :)

*~*

My Mom is super weird... she happily told a sleepy-eyed me this morning that some people in Sta. Cruz found this python in their ceiling/roof.

I mean... why is she happy about that?

*~*

To the someone who asked what KICK i get from having my boobies pictured w/ someone else's pair... uhm, nothing really aside from the real fact that women's boobs feel nice... all soft and nice...

And the guys get crazy over that... since they are aware of that fact...

Which makes me wonder then... what are you?

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


THIS I GET WHEN I WAS SHOOTING FOR ATHENA... DANG!!!

My boss (section chief) is listening to the Friday Magic Madness over the radio, which is playing such classics that just cannot help but make us both giggle and laugh and feel all kinds of ancient (think Ice, Ice Baby ... Streetbeat... Make It Easy On Me... Time and Tide... Boys Fall In Love...)

And it's amazing how... old songs you grew up with... really have that SMELL... I mean, when they play, you cannot help but remember ONE MOMENT you were hearing that song, and all the thoughts and feelings and happenings you had for that one moment...

You cannot help but forget all that's happened in between and feel young again... everything is just... recaptured... relived...

*~*

On a sad note, I'm missing my ex again... i've been sick 2 weeks now and I miss him... he'd have showered me with lotsa food by now and would have insisted in tucking me in... and would have quarrelled with me to go see a doctor (not that I can afford to be sick since am strapped for cash till November, I think)...

Come to think of it, he DID shower me w/ food last Oct. 3 (see picture of gifts I received).

Ok, am not as sad now...

*~*

Not taken by my cam... but i'd like to post this pic with Draq (my new friend, a photographer). And I know, it's super deceiving but I really love my shot here... I looked happy!!! (And notice how see-thru the back of my top is? Note to self: do not wear a bra with that top anymore...)

Twenty-three-year-old Mec had a lot of realizations while watching the movie "Boys and Girls." "I realized that there were a lot of people involved in this kind of relationship." She went online (www.pinoyexchange.com) and started searching for people who were in the same boat.

She enumerated some possible scenarios, "Single girls who spend all their time with their boy best friends, girls who've gotten close to their male friends and have fallen in love, those who fell in love but settled for friendships..."

She speaks about pseudo-relationships in a matter-of-fact manner. "People now are getting really scared of commitment or are too lazy to do the dirty work of keeping relationships. The thing that causes pain in these cases is the fact that one wants more. And that has got to hurt, as most one-sided things do."

Underneath this analytical approach is a woman who has also lost a battle to her emotions.

"I have had lots of boy friends but I've been so scared of being a girlfriend-substitute, or him being a boyfriend-substitute for me that I never let any guy be that close to me. I worry that if one of us falls in love with somebody else, the other will be left all alone. Or, heaven forbid-one could fall in love with the other and destroy the friendship in the process."

Despite the precaution, Mec has also become a girlfriend-substitute.

"My most recent experience involved a lot of confrontations-but the guy still won't commit. He's the type who got hurt too deep too young. He's so afraid now to be hurt in that way again." Yet another wonder of relationships. How the present has to pay for the sins of those before them.

"He chooses to control what he's feeling. He chooses to let those he has been hurting suffer-I am the last in the list so far. He chooses not to regret what he has and what he might lose. But he's asking for time," Mec continued.

"I know how he must really feel because we share an affinity. I am here as a close friend for him. Our friendship now has this unwritten clause. We love each other so much and we need each other so much."

"He's sort of given up on love after being hurt. And I can understand him because I gave up on love once. But then I met someone who made me realize what true love is. And after him, I just couldn't give up on love anymore. It's like an obsession-to be that happy, to be that alive again."

But she knows it might not last. "Our hearts can change-and we can say
goodbye anytime. I just hope, for myself, I'll do it soon."

When I expressed my wishes for things to work out, or, at the very least, for her not to get hurt if they don't, she answered dejectedly, "Sorry, this one already hurts like hell. Sometimes, I think that's the only reason he's in my life."

Listening to their stories gave me the courage to set things straight. Now I am no longer a girlfriend-substitute. I've become the real thing.

May 23, 2001... article written by Pam for 2bu on GF SUBSTITUTES

No... I will not give up on love and finding a good man to love me... no matter how disillussioned I am... no matter how i've lost faith in men...

*~*

And then I read about Happyclam's friend and ponder over the merits of being with a man for life... all over again...

I swear, life screws me sometimes...

Shared booze and chocolate cake and crispy chicken wings with my AA friends last night... dang, too much sex stories for one night... was shocked to find out we were all still together at 2 am... and all of us working today too!!!

Anyway, dare I share a nice pic? Hmm....



*~*

On a more serious note... I sometimes cannot help but wonder sometimes who will really be the greatest love of my life...

Is it anyone i'd meet online, seeing that am mostly online anyway?

Is it one of my mountaineer friends, so I won't end up getting crap from a non-understanding boyfriend/hubby?

Is it one of my EXs? Since 3 of them are married... would I become a mistress? How long will I wait before those that aren't married have really established themselves and can finally support a family?

Is it one of my labskis... one of those male buddies i've counseled and watched out for... sometimes pampered and played Mother Hen and Older Sister to... sometimes recommended/pimped to female friends?

Is it anyone from where I work?

Or any brother of my friends?

Is he already in my life? Have we already met? Have I already started touching his life?

Is he someone I've turned away? Is he someone i've rejected? Is he anyone who didn't want me at first?

Is he any of my friends' ex?

I know... I believe... that he's on his way to me...

I just can't help sometimes but wonder... how he'd come into my life... and how we'd know he's meant to stay with me... perhaps, forever...

Surely, forever...

Kudos to Dr. Erlinda Maria Gordon for paving the way some more for cancer cure research...

*~*

It's official... nothing beats the feeling of a freshly washed p***y... and I swear, you can take on anything after you've washed... ahihihi, just a realization...

Just recently, someone told me goodbye... simply because letting go of me seemed best...

And then, over the weekend, someone bid me adieu again... for reasons that he never really should feel what he's feeling... I hope the friendship remain somehow...

And then... this other man that's supposed to be in love with me... well, found out he's been hankering to date this girl we commonly know...

So... that gives me 3 lovers... lost... kinda liberating and sad at the same time...

Told a friend, I know i'd survive without love interests, lovers, admirers, sweethearts and the like without my esteem really suffering... esply since I have a bundle of joy at home always cheering me up...

Anyway, just wanted that noted...

BIRTHDAY RANTS AND THOUGHTS
Oct 3 - 5, 2003

October 3 dawned with several people wanting to be the first to greet me a Happy Birthday... I was also not yet finished with the desserts I was making...

Woke up heavy-lidded and woozy, due to my allergic rhinitis at 9 am or so. Went to the office so my colleagues could feast on the food my Mom prepared for them. Went back home at around 4 pm. Mom was still preparing food...

It was nice... a lot of family (a lot of nieces and nephews from cousins) and friends (college, NGO and mountaineering org) attended... and of course, everyone gushed at how absolutely cute my nephew Pyro is.

Imagine my drinking friends chugging beer and eating lanzones at the same time!

Oh yeah, fell in love with White Chocolate Mudslide by Shakers. Absolutely DIVINE!!!

And I just have to really thank my Mom for all the preparation she did...

And I can't help but mention that it was weird... having GLD (Alvin) come (my Mom and Sis were happy indeed to see him and am happy that he's every bit the proud father that he is now...) and also have my last ex, Jojo there...

October 4, found me going to Villa Valencia II for an Over Night Swimming... the gimik was overflowing w/ real cute men but it was enough for me to spend time with girl friends and unwind. Not that my girl friends weren't the naughty ones...

And not that it was actually a tame gathering either.... Lolz...

And despite my wish to never partake of Tequila Rose again... I still had two shots of the stuff... Man, i'm bad...

October 5, after eating goto somewhere w/ my fellow MyGers... and going home... I had a nice surprise... details of which are best left to the innermost recesses of my mind...

Anyway, this last picture shows what I got for gifts... the reflection book my boss gave me, and the cat figurine GLD gave me are both not here... plus the sarong I used (which Allee gave me)...



Anyway, the best thing about turning 26 is... still being alive to live it...

Thank you, God...

BIRTHDAY WISH
By: Myself 8-18-99 (12:00-12:15 am)

Oh, to be held
Gently, but firmly
To have one whole
Blessed night
In which to feel
Secure
Special
Loved.
To be in the arms
Of someone
Who values you
As much as
You value yourself;
To be able to talk
And say anything
Without reservation,
And without fear
Of being judged;
To feel in every touch,
In every sweet caress
That it's okay to let down
Your defenses,
And know
That you will not
Be let down;
To be silent with a loved one
And yet, speak
Volumes in every breath
To be able to cry
And be ensured
That every teardrop shed
Will be wiped away
For you;
To suffer gladly
Tender kisses
On your hair,
On your lips;
To believe
For one moment
In eternity;
To smile, and look into
Your loved one’s eyes,
And know you’re home…
That is intimacy.
That is making love.

Oh, to feel the heaven
Of two bodies
And two souls
Merging,
To just be.
For a night, to just be.

Note the date I wrote this one... well, anyway, the point is... it still applies...

*~*

A sad poem I wrote last October 21, 2000 found its way into MyG... posted by a hurting friend...

Weird, i'm happy something I wrote touched lives... but I'm sad that it had to be a friend who could relate to the pain I once felt...

Spent bonding time with a friend last night... we watched UNDERWORLD... nice movie... then we had coffee... then I went home... toting the very first birthday gift i've received for this year (well, of course am expecting some more tomorrow... from my family alone)... and from someone I really didn't expect anything from...

Thank you, Fuzzy... mwaaaaahhh!!!!!!

*~*

My nephew is turning into a real camera ham... even when he's crying, once he sees the zoom lens of my cam, he'd pause for awhile... long enough to seemingly wait for the flash... before crying again... or flailing his arms as he's always wont to do...

*~*

The only wonderful thing about myself, even though I am quite phenomenally average-looking, is that... my birthday fell just right in the middle of my estrus period... and so, even with the puffy eyes due to allergic rhinitis (which has been at me for the whole week)... people have been telling me I am positively glowing and... dare I say it... more beautiful? Ahihihihi...

*~*

If ____ attends my birthday party at home tomorrow... someone will sure be happy and crying because of it.

Sunday found me in the arms of loved ones and family... check out my nephew and niece



That's Bonita... real name, Ashley Sofia, 2 and a half years old, spoiled to pieces with her dad, and my dad, and her godmommy, my sister



That's Bitoy... real name, Exekiel Eisen, 3 months, real cute and demanding that you converse with him, will only sleep when being carried by overweight people...

And I wonder why we hold on
with tears in our eyes,
and I wonder why
we have to break down to just
make things right.
And I wonder why
I can't seem
to tell you goodbye
yeah, I wonder why
I'm no angel
with my selfish pride
but I love you more every day.

It's nice to have realized yet again that am free of Alvin... and that i'm really happy for him...

It's sad to realize yet again that it was wrong to not have allowed for some little bit of innocence to remain in me...

LOVE, not with expectations, but with hope...

Alas... there will be no rest yet for this tired heart and wandering soul of mine...

I've been home since 2 am, having gone to my NGO friend's birthday party and our counseling group's yearly gathering...

My ex was there... gushed over their 9-month old baby. Happy that both of them are real proud and fulfilled and hopeful parents. Was equally proud about my newphew. Invited them all to my birthday party... and dang, if my ex comes... I swear my sister might just cry about it. They haven't seen each other since 1999. A long time indeed...

Anyway... can't sleep... and am supposed to go to Batangas and visit my Dad and nephews and nieces... I don't know why but am feeling real sad... and suddenly worrying about finances (since there is the suspicion that my fone would require major fixing)

And dang bro and the mother of my nephew are fighting... now am not sure if I should get the baby and just have him sleep w/ me...

Which of course would mean, no sleep for me... even if the baby IS sleeping...

Don't my new digicam and my 7-week old nephew just go amazingly together?



Of course, I still don't know a hell lot about using the cam... so Photo Sessions w/ the MyGers, here I come!!!

*~*

Birthday is on Friday... am lacking birthday funds na since I have to do something about my cell fone that just got broken...

Other birthday gifts am hoping to get for myself... anytime this month... heaven help me....

1) 128 compact flash card (my cam supports up to 256 but I don't wanna be that tirgger happy)

2) a tripod

3) a new backpack... one that can support my earth pad

4) hydration bladder

5) tent (yikes, do i really wanna be carrying one?)

6) new sandals

7) sexy outfits

8) sexier underthings

9) silver jewelries (preferably with KEY motiffs)

10) new boots

11) a haircut

12) swedish massage

13) lots and lots of white chocolates (oh wait, this is what my friends are for!)

14) a new fone?

Ahihihi, wishful thinking that my measly allowance will allow such, esply since am now paying off the loan i took to get the cam... and paying for two pension plans at that...

But it's nice... that am not sooo troubled physically and emotionally and psychologically and financially... that I can still manage to think of material things.

Packingtapesheffffff.... our firewall is back to it's gatefilter crap again so now, i can't view my blog at work again... grrr....

*~*

My nephew had his first DPT shots yesterday... so I went home last night only to find him all red and tearful... ooooh, the hurt expression on his face...

I swear, my Mom was feeling the pain for him too... she wouldn't even put him down... And me, I cried a little everytime he cries 'coz I felt all too strongly for him too... wishing I could spare him the pain... realizing that it's a threshold for him, experiencing his first necessary hurt...

And I also had to tell myself... he's not mine... he's not mine...

*~*

My sister, 17 years old, is contemplating a break up w/ new bf (23 years old)... for the following reasons:

1) She's taller than him

2) He has a car but hasn't got the money to buy gas for it (he's already graduated from college but decided to take up another undergrad course.. Psych)

3) He picks a fight when he finds out my sister has been chatting online

4) He discusses my sister's "wrong priorities in life" with my older cousin

5) My sister cannot go out just anytime now since he's always checking up on her... and will pick a fight when she goes out at odd hours of the night (like, go w/ the maid to buy chips and beer at 7-11)

And tho... the protective sister in me can't help but laugh that my sis has found a stricter bf who want to account for her every move... the loving sister in me however wonders if this guy, because he's a lot older... is just some twit trying to fashion my sister according to his values, wishes and rules...

Told my sis that I want the bf to attend my birthday party... so I can deduce for myself if he's really just a mature and caring person looking out for her... or a manipulative and insecure guy hoping to emotionally disable her...

Am I worried for my sis? A little... actually, am more worried that, since the guy has a car.. she might take it upon herself to straddle him there... But it doesn't seem likely... and since she's already fed up w/ the man's demands anyway...

Life....

Btw, my nephew turns 2 months today...

Was also intending to say something about how humbling an experience it was to listen to his heartbeat... so strong, when he's so fragile...

What a miracle indeed!

VERA, thank you talaga friend, for my new template... and yeah, i've noticed the roaming cleavage pic... work in progress pa din naman to devah??? kasi the boobie pic look is getting all gelatin-like, ahehehehe... and what to do kaya w/ that scroll bar... hmmm...

*~*

I intended to post an incriminating negativized pic of my boobies in this blog, living up to the new thread name... then again... my nips were like, sooooo erect in that pic, that even if it was negativized (i just coined the term ok?), it was still really, really.... graphic...

I once defined/described PERFECT FLINGS as:

there were no commitments

there were happy times

and then there would be no guilt afterwards

no sadness

just really great memories of being together with someone for sometime....

And I've also always told myself that I'm not made for this... for ultimately, I tarnish whatever I may have with changes in hopes and dreams... or my usual drive-your-loved-one-away-to-preserve-yourself-from-pain habit...

Which can really take the fun out of the experience of being with someone... of knowing him... of perhaps, truly loving him...

Ahihihi... i'm really appreciative of the visitors of this blog of mine... And i'd like to assure you blogger friends that i've always had a depressive streak... and especially around my birthday... other than that, am really ok

I don't know why but i've always been one for celebrations... and i've always thought that birthdays are important because it's the day we celebrate the birth of people who have brought something more in our lives... people who have given us something, taught us something, inspired something in us...

And so, I feel justified feeling bad when people I consider significant in my life... don't consider it a special celebration that I was born to be their relative and friend...

*~*

Spent the weekend at home... spent the night just babying PYRO and playing this Bach album I bought yesterday...]

Relaxing... sweet... rejuvenating...

*~*

Went to a bar with friends last night (everybody should check out 90 proof along Emerald Avenue in Ortigas)... wearing this denim dress which you can zip both ways...

And it must be the ambience... or the booze... but it was driving a lot of people crazy... and I literally had to evade (masterfully and fumblingly) a lot of proposals and uhm... hands on my body parts...

lemme see..... we officially broke up 98... he went steady w/ my friend 99... they got married 01... had a child last year...

and i always say pa din talaga.... i miss him...

and no, am sure, i don't wanna be w/ him in a romantic relationship... happy na ako for him....

but i miss what i had with him... real, true, inspiring love that encouraged both of us to really grow.... and where i didn't feel suffocated and hampered.... and where i felt totally understood, supported, cared for.. and where i truly, truly surrendered to just loving someone....

*~*

and if anyone is curious as to why i broke up with him and let him get away... i have no real justification other than:

1) i was 20... i was restless... feeling then that HE could not have been the prize of my life already... for what else will I be working for?

2) he ended up marrying someone else and is happy w/ his family... meaning WE were really meant to be lovers for a SEASON

the only thing that sometimes bother me is that... could the disillusionment of my separation from him, both as friend and lover, have take my REASON for really LOVING too?

*~*

my last ex just called... chit chat... had to prevent myself from crying when I was telling him about how I already bought all the things I wanted as birthday gifts...

remembered how he tried throwing a surprise party for me last year...

recently bought alyssa ashley body moisturizer in white musk... and this new lipstick...

just missed the dream little black dress from maldita too...

what else... ahhh, i also bought the TALTOS book na... completing my Mayfair Witches books... and this other book...

and just bought sandals too... and might buy a bag later...

a lot of these things, i had hoped to get as birthday gifts from friends, labskis, those who supposedly love me...

but then, like what i said, i already bought them...

and am also on my way to getting my new digicam... i'd probly be tinkering with it the whole weekend...

and tho i feel kinda sad that i'm the one buying myself these things, there's also this sense of pride and independence when the material thing your heart so desires... can be had by just getting some money out of your bag...

your own money... borne from loyalty to a company... borne from suffering stress from menopausal, conservative colleagues...

it feels good to be able to buy myself things... and my nephew some things...

*~*

by the way, here's my loved one...



wait till i get my new digicam.... :)

Fire to water to earth to air
It's a circle of life, the dance without end
So merry meet and merry part and merry meet again
Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again

This is bad...

Had a really bad allergy attack last night... and I don't have anyone to gripe to... Not anyone... Nobody...

Well, at least, nobody who'd give more than the token "GET WELL SOON"...

And it's not that I want someone to be worrying over me needlessly... but of course it makes me feel good somehow to know that someone else feels bad because i'm running a fever and not sleeping yet...

Or that am miserable...

Pahabol Hirit for the bed weather...

I have tied someone up. I have blindfolded someone up. I have tied and blindfolded someone up.

But now, I'm wondering if it will send a man reeeling into heights of pleasures he's never attained before... if... he's standing in front of me... and i'm kneeling in front of him... just lapping on his balls... just enjoying his maleness... exploring him, pleasuring him, teasing him, making him beg... making him moan... my mouth clamped on his cock while my hands are tied behind me and my eyes are blindfolded.

Hmmmm....

There goes a saying, something to the effect that...

FOOD IS NOT SOMETHING YOU FILL YOURSELF WITH WHEN YOU'RE FEELING EMPTY.

Anyway, to heck with that... I've recently found myself always hungry and always having cravings unstatisfied...

And so, I miss my ex.

It's bad, I know.

But he was a person who would always lament and grieve when I skip meals. He was one person who'd always shower me with cravings and favorite stuff. He was one person who would always insist on what I want to eat when we go out. He was one person who'd forego a lot of things, even nookie or a movie date, as long as I can eat satisfactorily. He would even spend hard-earned money on just feeding me. And even when it's really ok that we not eat, he'd be devastated. He'd always tell me that he feels useless when he's not able to feed me... to provide for that very basic need and pleasure.

Nobody has been feeding me lately. And because I'm feeling all kinds of insecure and sad... it's really nice to be fed sana...

And it's not that I don't appreciate the Kitkats and token WCs given me by friends...

But it's not the same.

With my ex, my stomach was my heart and he took great care of that.

I miss my ex.

(Besides, there is something very intimate about sharing a meal with a loved one...)

The household was kept awake by my nephew's incessant crying, which started at roughly 2 am and only really ceased around 7 am...

I left him wrapped in his baby blanket and nestled on my cousin's bosom... sniffling and whimpering from exhaustion... finally falling asleep... feeling every bit the misery of desertion and a mother's absence but unable yet to comprehend what it is. Just that, in his own small way, he's hurt by it.

(Nope, my hipag didn't leave him for good... she just flew to Davao for two weeks to work)

pa-gripe

GRIPE No. 1

My birthday is coming up. Yeah, it's not due for another month but still, it's coming up soon. And again, I'm battling with 'gift' issues again.

I'm real sorry, it's the only time of the year that I actually expect gifts from friends. Or letters/cards. I can't help it... supposedly I know a lot of people and am involved in a lot of other people's lives... but when my birthday comes along... everyone is just either too busy to come to my party (which, before, i'd even schedule according to THEIR schedules... good thing i've stopped that na) and everyone is just too broke to give me anything.

And then, i'd sometimes attend a party of someone else... and i'd see heaps and heaps of useless, expensive gifts and I think to myself... how come she's getting them when am nicer than her?

It's bad enough that often in my life din, even if I am in a relationship, my birthday would find me on a tentative break with the guy (thus, no birthday date/treat and gift).

Am I not worth stuffed toys? (Ok, in a sane mood, i'm not fond of them naman nga... also flowers).

But it's not really the gift per se... It's the fact that people take time to spend money on me... or save money for me... or exert extra effort for me.

And I really sometimes hate it that I'm easily taken for granted by the people I care about.

Then again, I must probably not that much of a friend really... since Ate Ene, who IS a good friend, used to get heaps and heaps of treats for her birthday... why, she didn't even need to spend anything and a party is always secured pa rin... and i've always said, it's because she's a great friend.

Ok fine, am no great friend. Sigh.



GRIPE No. 2

I'm cool with being one of the boys... but then it sometimes suck because I get inconvenienced along with them as they cater to feminine wiles and whims and tardiness and fickle minds...

The other thing that sucks is... I'd see them travel in the late hours of the night to fetch some girl... but absolutely refuse to say, offer me a ride home. It sucks when the same man who would not allow this female friend to walk some 5 minutes to Mega Mall will find nothing wrong with say, letting me walk over to some other place that was convenient for the other girl. It sucks when you bend over backwards to make sure you don't hurt their feelings... but will allow themselves to be used in all ways possible by some other damsel in seeming distress.

And dare you point out the highly-selective treatment? Of course not. And if you point it out to others, you run the risk of having them tell you that... hello, you're not pretty, so why should you get free dinner?

Man...

THIS PERSON had the gall to plagiarize material OFF my blogfriends' online journals...

So far, she only copied my August 10 post... which was just a rambling really.... but my gosh, she also copied a lot of articles and posts off other journals...

It's such a violation and I want everyone to know about it. Sayang, she can write naman.

Had my first ever Tarot Card reading done last night. It felt good to have beliefs about myself confirmed... and affirmed. I wasn't told anything really new or surprising (and the man who read my cards was the one actually suprised, knowing me a little the way he does).

It also felt sad... to have certain suspicions shaped in words you have been seeking for the longest time.

And anytime soon in the coming days, I know, i'd be crying for the innocence I seem to have completely lost.

And on a more personal note... it grieves me a little more to realize yet again, how greatly I am capable of loving still... but no longer being capable of keeping faith.

Hope will always be there. But faith... it no longer is. The total lack of romantic illusions and the generally very realistic view of how men are, of how they will treat women and what things they can do in the name of and inspite of love... consumes me right now...

Faith can only exist in NOT KNOWING. That's my tragic flaw, I know, and therefore, there are some things I can no longer be... and can no longer give...

A friend was texting me about another friend, how he's worried that our other friends are being too hard on this girl... how our friends didn't help in any damage control... but are now ganging up on this girl to make her feel how disappointed they were with her...

And this concern coming from a man who has often made me feel before that I don't have his respect. This acceptance and lack of judgement coming from the same man who seldom accorded me the same.

I guess it's true then... how harder we are with loved ones...

And how kinder we are with strangers.

Hahaha...

can't help but think of myself when i heard this song.

*~*

A good thing about LRT's separating women from the men... when I board the train around 7 pm on the days I meet friends at Mega Mall... instead of sweat and body odor... i smell all kinds of lotion, perfume, cologne, powder and shampoo.

What can I say, girls smell nice.

*~*

Rapture and Rupture .... difference lies at the 2nd letter... and the first one involving gentleness... the latter, violence...

Was talking with friends over coffee last Sunday... realized that I never had anyone have anything delivered to me...

Also realized that once, Alvin sent two dozen white roses to the house... for my Mom's birthday.

I will always thank the Heavens for such thoughtfulness... and for having known someone as sweet as Alvin was...

(I am not implying that nobody else in my life was sweet and gallant and thoughtful after that... it's just a great memory)

*~*

Already bought wine for my birthday... friends are teasing me that it's still over a month away... still, am anxious and excited and down because of it...

Still haven't finalized plans about buying the digicam. Tsk, tsk, tsk... bad...

*~*

My nephew is making me all kinds of happy.

I have often been teased about kissing with my eyes open... by the person i'm kissing, of course. I dunno, I just happen to like watching a man's expression... and that turns me on more...

Anyway, having been dared to play with a beer bottle last Tues night... I realized that I close my eyes more when I'm giving a man some oral loving... and that I'd often start out by just really gently stroking his schlong... and then, i'd start with just licking it's body... esply it's tip... and proceed from there...

It's a ritual I adhere to religiously... as if I cannot put anything in my mouth that I haven't teased and played with my lips and tongue... first..

baby turn around,
and let me see that sexy body go
bump bump bump (yeah)
that is all i want to see,
baby show me (come on)
baby turn around,
and let me see that sexy body go (yeah)
bump bump bump
the way you throwin that thing at me (uh yeah)
i can take it


Last Saturday, I thought I was a goner na... streets were flooded and I was silently saying goodbye to a night of fun when the heavens decided to cooperate...

And dance I did...

And I sincerely got the fix that i wanted... and so now, am feeling all bubbly and happy and satisfied...

*~*

Wore the top which you tie around your neck... and good thing that, even tho I went without a brassiere, and danced like there's no tomorrow... everything held well and there was no indecent exposure I should live with for the rest of my life that happened... lolz..

It was kinda hard tho... my nipples refuse to back down.. I'd sometimes have to stop dancing because the friction with the top causes ticklish sensations around that area... and I can't help but feel all kinds of self-conscious... I mean, if only anybody took the time to look, they'd see how my nipples are literally protruding from the folds of my top...

Bad...

*~*

Sunday... went to Lipa and visited my babies... Kyle (3 1/2 years old), Sofia (2 years old), Bryant (1 1/2 years old), Karylle (10 months) and Exekiel (2 months)...

Imagine the commotion... Imagine the chaos... Imagine the tenderness each one cannot help but elicit from all of us... and the frustration too...

Talked with my cousins' wives... about raising kids, about raising husbands, about raising in laws... and tho i'm still not a mother and a married woman myself... I could relate to them... I could complain to and with them.. I could sympathize and empathize with their tears, with their triumphs...

Ahhh... women... and families...

As I was praying I wouldn't slip from the puddles and puddles of water, and that I wouldn't get sick from the really heavy rains, I took refuge at Gamol since I had no hope of reaching Congo Grille with the heavy downpour going on around me.

And then, I saw HIM.

The guy I was in love and waiting for... for two years. The one I decided to say goodbye to, last January. The one I officially lost, even as a friend, last March methinks.

I don't think he saw me. He's pretty blind even with his glasses on. I couldn't help it, I texted him about taking care. And either he's changed numbers or deleted me from his phonebook, the reply I got was... Who's this?

And far be it from me to contemplate yet again on what I lost and found in him... last night, I couldn't help myself from wondering... who's taking care of him...

And no, it's not because he's f*cking up his life... and no, he's not incapable naman... but I really loved him once and I know he has to have someone take care of him, worry for him, mother him...

*~*

Started shaking all over yesterday, a close, close girl friend of mine called asking me to not judge her... and needing to tell her story. Why the shakes? Uhm, surely the revelation that your friend has dragged herself deeper and deeper in an abusive relationship isn't good news. And I couldn't cry for her anymore eventhough she gets beaten up by her drug-dependent brother... and emotionally abused by a boyfriend who has also started hurting her in 'small' and physical ways.

I just kept telling myself... no, am not happy that the women I looked up to before are the ones who have failed in their relationships and have ceased to be the empowered females who loved life and knew how to live it.

And my friend wasn't crying for help... even when she called me and ranted about the boyfriend who's been degrading her and disrespecting everything that she can be...

She was just crying.

And I love that friend of mine. And it hurts me that there is nothing we can do but wait... and trust life...

And so, not only am I praying for her family worries to stop, and for her to realize there is no love in her relationship with this man... I'm also praying that whoever it is God meant for her can wait... and will wait...

Pareho kami ni VERA

*~*


Your heart is broken. You were in love and somehow
or someway, it became lost to you and you have
never fully recovered. You yearn for someones
gentle kiss but know not where to find it and
are afraid of being hurt again. Have faith
little lost one, if you let it, love will
flourish for you again.


What is Your Hearts True Desire?
brought to you by Quizilla

*~*

Forgiveness, like apologies, is truly a friendship preserver.

Arrrrgghhhh...

why did you have to call and remind me all over again how much you've betrayed my trust... and how undeserving you were of my faith?

Why?

Why hope to lie to me again?

No... hindi ako iiyak... hindi ako nasasaktan... wala akong kailangang marinig sa kanya...

Wala...

This Kiss by Faith Hill

I don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry
I don't want to learn the hard way
Baby Hello , oh no, goodbye
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky...
It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this --
It's centrifugal motion
It's pertpetual bliss .
It's that pivotal moment
It's ahhh Impossible
This Kiss , This Kiss (Unstoppable )
This Kiss , This Kiss
Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course ?
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart , soft touch , fast horse .
Ride me off into the sunset
Baby , I'm forever yours
It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this --
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss .
It's that pivotal moment
It's ahhh Unthinkable
This Kiss , This Kiss (Unsinkable )
This Kiss This Kiss
You can kiss me in the moonlight
On the rooftop under the sky
You can kiss me with the windows open
While the rain comes pouring inside
Kiss me in sweet slow motion
Let's let every thing slide
You got me floating , You got me flying
It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this --
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss .
It's that pivotal moment
It's ahhh Subliminal
This Kiss , This Kiss (It's Criminal )
This Kiss , This Kiss


This has been a fave song from my DOF days pa... never really had the presence of mind to dedicate it to someone in the course of my tumultuous love life since then....

I wonder if I have made it hard for those who supposedly love me.. and those I love... all my siginificant others... to tell me the truth... especially ones that may hurt me...

Or...

is it true... that I do not command respect... and therefore, has no right and do not deserve... to be told the truth... ?

Friday - 8th of August - Today's Topic:

Are you satisfied on how your life is going now? Contented on how things are taking its place? Are the objectives set being accomplished as planned? Or you just simply don't have a plan and just live by the day?



I am happy with my life. Sure, I have a lot of things I can complain about, like handling a job I wasn't trained for, and wanting to work again as a counselor, or not yet in a relationship and grooming a partner for a lifetime of togetherness, or my friends I want to cry to are all busy with their own lives.

Still, I am happy with my life. There are down times (like, the past few days) but even during such sad, trying times, I get to realize over and over again who loves me. And that is a blessing.

Content? I like to believe there seldom is contentment in life... but i've had moments wherein I couldn't ask for more.

Am I where I intended to be at this certain time of my life? In a way, yes. I'm still not a single parent. I still haven't gotten beaten up or sexually abused by a man. I still haven't killed anybody. I still have a family I belong to. I have a job that pays well. I have avenues wherein I meet interesting people. My body is still lustfully ok. I still have not had any operation. Neither have I been committed in a hospital for emotional/psychological breakdown. I still haven't done anything that is really, really embarrassing and humiliating... or anything I will not be able to ever tell my future kids.

However, I don't really have any major plans right now. Getting married and building a family life before age 30 is something I have to compromise, I think, since there were some things I didn't do before that I have to do first... that is, rid myself of emotional baggage.

I live from day to day.... keeping my top priorities always in check... and looking forward to certain celebrations wherein I can express my love for loved ones.

Other than that, am always looking for the next time i'd get to dance. Or eat white chocolate.

*~*

That was my reply at www.mygimmick.com (see TALKBALK thread)

Felt like I should include it here.

NOTE TO SELF:

Even friends who love you, will and can... lie to you...

*~*

Slept for some 9 hours... and dreamt of 3 main things....

1) Being with my ex who was wooing me to get back together with him.

2) Chatting with Dimitr3 from MTC

3) Being naked with another woman... and said woman seducing me... and all I can think of while with her was... "My legs aren't that big naman pala" since the woman and I was of the same build.

YOU

have no idea

how much you hurt me.

Had a massage here in the office.... finally, after a weekend of feeling dead.. I felt alive again, with my sarong cradled in my arms to cover my breasts... lying or sitting there... with hands wooing the uptight muscles of my back and legs...

Ahhh.... reprieve....

*~*

Half-asleep... was startled awake with the thought, "Who the heck is teasing my p_s_y?!"

And fortunately and unfortunately, it was just the masseusse :)

it's sad...

to have your memory so betrayed

so cheapened

so easily set aside, and thrown away

The weird thing about tonight and this weekend.... I have been real sad.... and dejected... and insecure...

And capping it all off with a fight with my Mom... the only thing I wanna do right now is... err... uhm... M.....

Sigh

Have I utterly destroyed the essential lovable and love-worthy me? Have I really made my life a mess... that I do not amount to anything at all anymore... and will not be deserving of any man... and of the dream to while away my future days raising a family... ?

Does anyone here remember those dolls that came out during the late 1980's... infant-size with a pacifier in their mouths... you take away the pacifier and the doll would give off this very real-baby-like crying sound?

Anyway... my sister had one from babyhood... and we've been able to preserve it. And at age 17... she still plays with it. One time... when we found her baptism clothes, she had both clothes and doll washed... and propped them up in my Mom's bedroom (where she sleeps)... much to the chagrin of the household...

It was real creepy talaga...

And now she's sitting in front of the TV, watching the UAAP games, with that darned doll cradled in her arms as if it was a real infant.

And come Monday again... my cousin who is taking up nursing... will be borrowing the doll and using it for lab practice. (the doll is kept in a locker the rest of the week)

Then come Friday again.. my sister will be sleeping with the doll again....

And again, is it just me or isn't something weird in my home???

Wow...

A guy tells you he's willing to give up everything for you, because he loves you. And you look at him and considering what a nice man you know he is, you make room in yourself to believe what he's saying.

And then, he kisses another girl in front of you.

And even if you're not holding him to his declaration of love... you cannot help but be more cynical about it.

And then later on, he insists on bringing you home... and because he could feel waves and waves of displeasure emanating from you... he apologizes for insisting to accompany you home...

And you get more insulted that... well... he didn't find anything out of whack with embracing some other woman.

He even tells you that woman knows how much he loves you. And again, giving him the benefit of the doubt that their lips aren't actually locking when their heads are tilted a certain angle.... there is still the fact that you don't talk to 'buddies' that way.

And you, in all your weird kind of kindness.... even ask yourself if you'd been malicious... if actually, them hugging together that way was just an ordinary thing to do.

But then again, you're reminded of the fact that though you sometimes lean your head on your labskis' shoulders/chest, you don't actually talk to them with your face so close in front of their faces... and you don't lean too much towards them... and more than that, you don't do that in front of any other guy who you know has feelings for you, regardless of whether you return those feelings or not...

Isn't it just basic etiquette after all to not cause pain as much as you can?

And so, you're offended. You're insulted. And you lose some more faith in men.

I have been neglecting my blog, I Know... then again, am still depressed with my old template not being replaced, still too stubborn to learn how to change it, still lacking friends who'd offer to do it for me...

ahehehe

btw... am not really a duncan shiek fan... but i liked his HALF-LIFE song... when i heard it last night...

And i don't wanna be living my life just half-fully

You shall not look into my eyes again..
You shall not listen to my breathing
or hear me gasp, or hear me giggle
You shall never hold my hand anymore in public
And you shall never hold it, and then kiss it
And send butterflies in my stomach as you do so

You shall not have to bear my senseless ranting
You shall not have to listen to my gripes
You shall not sniff the vanilla scent I always wear
and tell me how you've been missing it so much
You shall not be embracing me anymore
You shall not be seducing me with your smile
You shall never be seduced again by mine either

You won't be seeing me cry again
You won't be seeing me at all
For even if our paths cross now
You'll just tell yourself
"There goes that girl
who wasn't meant for me after all.."

- ala ako magawa.... nalulungkot ako....

THINGS THAT HURT A WOMAN

> Menstrual cramps
> Initial penetration during intercourse, esply at the first one
> A critical mother
> A father with a lot of double standards
> An unfaithful father
> An unfaithful mother
> Bad hair days
> Acne
> Weight Gain
> A bad, unskilled, inconsiderate lover
> Judgemental friends
> A father who beats her mother
> Sexual abuse
> Being called a slut
> Waiting by a phone that never rings, or in this case, a cellphone that never beeps to herald an incoming message
> Break ups
> Asking innocent questions, out of concern, like "Where were you last night?" and not only having her head bitten off, but also getting accused of trying to run the man's life
> Family pressure to get married as soon as possible (like, after college)
> Criticisms for her chosen mate
> Food cravings that cannot be satisfied
> Out of Stock, Out of Order, Out of Sizes
> Criticisms from her chosen mate
> Death of a mother who failed her
> Death of a child
> Death of a beloved pet
> Birth of a child
> Fact of a child not her own, for the man she loves
> Porn
> Struggles of a younger sibling, or a child
> Broken promises, broken vows
> Being stood up at the wedding
> Being left after ten years
> Menopause
> Waking up one day and realizing, she hasn't really lived
> Waking up one day and realizing, she hasn't really loved
> Waking up one day and realizing, she hasn't really been loved

I have been looking like a ghost these past few days... have been feeling like one din...

Anyway... I finally have a MISSY ADVENTURE inspiration... just not sure when am going to type the half-plagiarized material...

And I have no idea why i've been having erotic dreams all night last night... must be because I was feverish din from my dang illness...

My brother wanted to cry... I know... and I know how overwhlemed and scared he was...

And maybe it's just coincidence... but the baby (who is the spitting image of both his father and grandfather) kept looking at where my brother was standing...

And my sis said... that was her nephew... lukso ng dugo daw...

Me, I was just really so happy... and I can't remember a happier time standing with all my siblings and my mother...

And I really pray that heaven bless my nephew...

And I really hope that the presence of the whole household at the hospital would assure my brother how important he is to us... and how loved... and how welcome the baby is...

World... welcome JOSEPH PYRO and take good care of him...

Not that am happy already...

but my mood is sure lifting.... for my sis-in-law gave birth to a bouncing baby boy just this morning!!!

I just found out... and am going all teary again... my home is blessed again...

And God... I really pray to you... please, let my nephew be a better man than his father and grandfathers...

I love him already. I really, really love him already...

Still missing you B....

Hard to accept how you're not in my life anymore...

Feels like everything is going wrong...

And I can't help but think.... did you die so other things won't go wrong in my life anymore?

And did you have to die so my unborn nephew is sure to live?

There's a pair of arms that I long to be in right now... and wanting so, longing for him so...

is wrong...

My sister hollered at me to go down... and smilingly broke to me the news....

BRUTUS IS DEAD

And as the tears readily sprung to my eyes... I went back to my room to cry my heart out.

He died several days short of his tenth year with our family. He came to us last July 28, 1993... i've buried the other parrot he arrived with... but I wasn't able to give him the same.

Dad should have told me yesterday... I wasn't even able to see him one last time... I didn't get to say goodbye...

And i'm thinking... was it raining so bad last friday night... and it got too cold for him at Lipa? Was that it?

I can't even type so well right now, the tears are blurring my vision...

And as my heart gently weeps the loss of a friend... the one I turned to during my turbulent adolescence for comfort... the only one who's always brought a smile to my lips... whose cage I hugged all those times I wanted to die before...

All I can think of now is... I fed him buttered popcorn the last time I saw him.

And it hurts so bad... I am struggling even to call up my exes and cry to them... for they'd understand how much Brutus meant to me...

And it hurts so bad that nobody in my life right now will probably understand the bond I shared with him...

And I know i'm getting all melodramatic for just a parrot.

But he was our parrot....

He was MY parrot

And I love him dearly...

And I can still hear his shrieks of recognition for me... or when he's remonstrating me for my long absences.... and I can still remember the soft feel of his plummage... and how he's been the handsomest male in my life for me... and I can still smell his scent... his cage.. his feet....

And i'm gonna miss coming home to him when I go home to Lipa... he's been a constant presence in my homes....

But then again... why should I cry for something that I know... is happily shrieking in heaven...

It's sometimes hard having male friends. You act as their buddy.. there to cater to his idiosyncracies and at the same time spoil him... and get spoiled in return.

But being human, he's prone to date. Being human, he's prone to flirt. Being human, he sometimes forget that you've just skipped dinner to do something for him...

And when you get hurt because he was inconsiderate of your time, or feelings... you can't really get upset for fear he'd think you're jealous of his girls... or that you've done the unforgivable and fallen in love for him...

And so you get upset.... mope.... quietly....

And then... you start drawing away...

And many times... a friendship has been lost... this way...

Wrapped in my jacket here at work... since am wearing a sleeveless denim dress and my arms and legs are bare... and it's sooo cold here...

Can't stop thinking about how i'm losing you.... every minute... in every way... as I post this...

SOC WHILE WATCHING GROs

gosh, she's sooo young... she can't be 15 yet...

why isn't she properly trimmed? why leave a dark, dark tuft like that?

aren't they allowed to smile?

gee... they're like robots there

at least i know i dance better

wonder if rubbing their nether regions on the stage floor don't give them infections

will they stop with that boot stomping already... am being reminded of freaks in a circus!

yikes, last think i exepcted to see in a beerhouse are performing midgets.... euhhhh

gee.... i want that pair of undies...

wonder how i really look when i striptease for a man...

kainggit naman their skin....

wonder if my ass still look that good

shucks, she still hasn't hips.. her pelvic bone is still very prominent.. what's this.. 14 years old?

good thing my baby sister has more shape than these girls... and i'd hang her if she ever does something like this...

wonder how much they earn in a month

wonder if... my parents were poor and stuff.. would i have resorted to this kind of thing kaya...

my favorite psychologist... Karen Horney said that people usually develop neurotic needs... irrational solutions to the real problem of basic anxiety... and they are...

1) neurotic need for affection and approval
2) neurotic need for a 'partner' who will take over one's life
3) neurotic need to restrict one's life within narrow borders
4) neurotic need for power
5) neurotic need to exploit others
6) neurotic need for prestige
7) neurotic need for personal admiration
8) neurotic need for personal achievement
9) neurotic need for self-sufficiency and independence
10) neurotic need for perfection and unassailability

guess where am most probably at.....

I wish to be your eyes
that marvels at the setting sun
or looks at the horizon with a prayer
or twinkles at the littlest joke
and looks on with tenderness for most anything

i wish to be your nose
that loves the smell of vanilla and milk
that wrinkles in gentle disgust over
your rubber shoes after removing them

i wish to be your hands
that loves to play with someone's hair
that often seeks warmth and gentleness and comfort
and gives the same

i wish to be your lips
that curls up in that cute little pout
or sends shivers with a lingering kiss
or speaks volumes in every breath
and gives with it the sound of a voice
able to lift spirits

i wish to be your heart
a humble one, a hopeful one
a true and loyal and child-like one
and spare you from the pain
i myself inflicted

- thoughts yesterday whilre riding a jeep and thinking of how awful i have been

NICE SONG, this one

*~*

I am officially all kinds of lonely... little things like being shapeless and being money-less are getting to me...

And when missed friends don't have time... I feel bad too... seemingly taking things personally....

Nothing seems to be going right... even if nothing is really going wrong...

I'm just easily upset and worried and generally.... tearful.

This may be part of the 'process' I'm going through.. but it sure sucks big time...

*~*

I really wanna go dancing soon. Feeling sexy is one of those superficial things I can always console myself with... and I don't even have that right now... thus, INCOSOLABLE comes to mind...

The only good thing about heartbreak and tears, about bitterness, anger and loss is that...

Pints of ice cream, loads of potato chips and blocks of white chocolates

Get justified

This hasn't been easy for me. Know that aside from the pain, I have never felt more cruel... and more incapable... in my life.

But it is liberating. And I know, I am on the right path this time. I owed myself this single time for so long now... and I owe myself the chance to be in love with a guy... who I can wholeheartedly say I am attracted to, I see a future with, I am willing to commit to and I can see myself growing old with...

Big dreams for a woman who is still very much, a girl at heart...

I FORGOT THESE....

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don’t love him, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then, love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assess blame. Let it go. [b]There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. [/b]

Last night, I waved goodbye
Now it seems years...

What you resist, persists...

Please God... let me be brave this time. It would be so easy to revert to old ways of being... It would be so easy to drag myself back again in the hell I was in...

I know there will be tears... i know they will scald and scourge me for the following days... but I know they will also help me heal.

I want to do things right this time. Show me the path... give me courage to take... please...

*~*

Thanks to my friends, I know I can get past this.

*~*

By the way, I hope everyone takes time out to pray for their parents and families... after all, they're the only ones we got.

COMMERCIAL

sample text message you guys may wanna use

You know what, if you watch me play with myself... am sure i'd be more inspired...

*~*

MISSY isn't dead... but is in hibernation...

I did something right today... I let go of the man who loves me to get him back on the road to someone who truly deserves him...

Funny... life always has this unsettling way of making you realize that people seldom really grow up...

And that gentleness may be... something one can never learn at all..

Either you are, or you're simply not...

*~*

By the way, it was only recently that I found out that some person, masquerading in different names, has actually commneted on my past entries in my blog... and the pics in my pbase.... he/she/it has generally focused on how ugly my feet are (and if anyone would care to review, I never said anywhere that they looked great... especially since I started mountaineering) and how ugly I am (which just reminds me of my former menopausal Mom)

Unfortunately for me, I do not know how to trace IPs... and not that he/she/it merits an entry here actually... but for lack of something to write about... I really wonder what I did to him/her/it for him/her/it to hate me so...

After all, it takes a lot of energy to go back to those pics and comment time and again... and find fault in my posts...

Again, doesn't he/she/it have anything better to do??? Is he/she/it that insecure and threatened by me... to think he/she/it would actually upset me with such comments?

I was only upset with the a-hole pic attached to my template... but that's because it's offensive to my friends...

Treated my cousin and sister to hair cuts... and as i watched my sister get hers, with all these pins and stuff on her hair... and as she was grinning at me... I thought again... she's really so cute... and i still really love her best....

*~*

My aunt (the sick one who i fretted over way before) texted my cousin Tin, asking her to support her sister who is in the throes of lost love.... My aunt even reminded my cousin that it's just natural for her children to be in love and to worry and that they're all just growing up...

Now, isn't she cool?

The cousin pining for her crush is 15 years old, by the way

*~*

Climbing season starts again for me soon... and i can't help but wonder... how many people who visit this blog... also visit my camping blog.... hehehehehe

I miss going limp with exhaustion over a round of agressive lovemaking...

seriously...

NOTE TO SELF:

Using your fone would lead its battery to go ballistic and be turned off....

Sigh....

Gasp.... finally saw one of my Pool Pics... you know, where am supposedly faking kissing a girl...

uhm.. suffice it to say... in one pic, we really looked like we were kissing.... dang...

Points of comparison can be a bad thing.

Sure, people can always argue that one can never run out of things to do with a partner....

Still, it would always feel weird... and sad... if, after one great experience, even a sexual one, your partner tells you how it was a first for him, and how deeply moved and touched he is by that experience...

And all you can do is hug him.. and turn to him with a sheepish grin.... "uhm, well... uhm... " and wonder if it's ok to tell him that you've been tied up before, or that you've been to Boracay already, or have gone bungee jumping w/ an old significant other, etc.

BACK FROM PUERTO GALERA

Going there was a cinch. The pump boat to Sabang cost us P120.00 and it wasn't bumpy at all. I wasn't induced to vomit the potato chips I was binge-ing on, at all. Sabang was more of a diving place... and it got so hard to have me mesmerized by Galera... having been to Boracay just recently....

Anyway, jeepney ride to Puerto Galera (the Muelle area, methinks) cost P10.... and then trike ride to white Beach (finally!) cost P50... and since it wasn't peak season, we got to avail of P800.00-air conditioned rooms at the WHITE BEACH RESORT... i highly recommend the resort since it was clean. Hot water depends on the heat of the sun baking the water pipes... but still, the place was nice. And their food was the best ever... that i've tasted there, I mean. esply the Chicken Condon Bleu.

Peter's Resraurant served un-fresh shrimps... and most of the places there offering kebabs might disappoint since.... their marinate isn't that great (just catsup really). Pork Barbecue at White Beach Resort is still better...

The view was spectacular.... whenever I had a mind to wake up and actually vist the beach. And the water was magnificently blue and calm. But alas, it was cold! Freezing cold. As in, the bathing suit top which I was confident to wear because it didn't showcase my nipples... failed me. The water was just so cold... and something in the seafoam kept stinging my skin... so in the 3 days I was there, I've only really swam for like, 3 hours... cumulatively...

I was also disappointed since I didn't see any of the bigger crabs the local people there were harvesting...

Massage costs P150.00 for an hour...

And the sunsets are just spectacular....

And there's really no nightlife at all... unless you're one of those gangs gathered there to just drink and be merry...

KTVs available only play Korean songs

and by golly, when we were looking for a dancing/disco place... we were led to two Beerhouse type of places requiring P20. entrance and uhm, escorted ladies....

And I will never go on board the M/V Blue Eagle again.... it's one fastcraft I will forever feel unsafe in... the ventilation sucked! I was left with a migraine after because everything was cramped... even the air!

And i'm not sure why i've been quoting the prices.... maybe I will go back there again...

For a weekender, it wasn't bad at all.... and I do need to unwind sometimes...

But heck, take me back to Boracay anytime...

Oh wait, I have yet to visit Samal, Siargao and Palawan pala...

I am all kinds of excited to go to Puerto Galera this weekend.... even if it rains!!!

You are a temptress


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

funnily enough.... this fits :)