on going back to school

12:15 AM Friday, January 11, 2008

I believe i've said it before... friends, no matter how well-meaning, cannot hide their surprise that i've decided to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). And I hate having to dignify my decision by informing them further that I have other plans. After all, it was a family decision we made as a family.

But I do have other plans. I've been yearning to go back to school for years now. My short stint as a college professor (2 subjects in 1 semester) only made me realize how much i've forgotten already about the course I took and graduated from, ten years ago this March 20.

But given that I want to stay home mostly, i'm leaning towards distance learning over actual classroom sessions this time. So I am preparing the requirements to apply in UP's Open University.

Honestly, i'm scared sh!tless by the prospect because I feel i've been reduced to such redundancy that I no longer have anything unique or special to offer. I don't feel bright or smart anymore... so i'd be going back to school not seeing myself as a promising student. I'm scared because I think i'd realize how much I need to learn, how much I do not know.

It's really horrible to be thirty and not have confidence that you have much to offer the world.

Which is why i'm going. In a weird way, I pride myself with the fact that I can be humble enough to acknowledge that I have much to learn and I have allowed myself to stagnate.

And this is the best time to do it... so that when my kid is old enough, he'd be knowing a Mom who is self-realizing. Seriously, I want to be happy about my brain again.


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