MEComposing

I Am Legend is a 1954 science fiction novel by Richard Matheson. I think the novel was originally set in Los Angeles but the movie starring Will Smith (playing Rovert Neville) was set in New York.

Basically, scientists re-engineered/tampered with the measles virus and turned it into a cure for cancer. But like what some scientists believe, tampering with viruses may result in mutations that we wouldn't be able to address before bringing about a pandemic of sorts first.

It's Resident Evil con Castaway con The Stand.

The movie is a thriller, a good date movie and has lots of moments filled with suspense. To the discerning eye, the graphics are obvious as a people-less New York serves as Will's backdrop. It's also a very fantastic movie that will get to you, and raise questions, loopholes and reflections for the watcher... some of mine include:

1) what was Will's character spraying on his steps? Water or Gasoline? If water, is it because the Darkseekers were 'rabid'? If gasoline, was it to overpower the scent of living things (dog and man?)

2) Was the trap the darkseekers' contraption or Will's? Did they set it up or just positioned the dummy near it to catch Will with his own trap?

3) If they're so intelligent to have caught Will, how could they not have followed him to his hideout before? Or at least narrowed down the area where he might have lived? Is the intelligence required to trap someone more complicated or basic than hunting someone down?

4) Why did the other survivors not come to Will?

5) If Will was immune, would his daughter have been immune as well? Could immunity be passed by a mother thru her breastmilk too?

6) How did the woman survive and travel to Will? Where did they hide?

7) Was Will's house built that way even before, complete with locks and bolts?

8) Why didn't Will have lights in his lab, where he's trying to find a cure for the virus and experimenting with Darkseekers? He's a doctor and soldier, surely he'd have thought to protect himself there too... aside from installing all those lights outside his home?

9) Why weren't the deers infected? Or were they? And who are they running from in daylight?

10) Did the darkseekers ever mated?

11) Did the darkseekers destroy all lights in the City? Couldn't have Will turned some on during the day just to annoy the Darkseekers hunting at night?

I doubt it's going to be a classic... but I still liked the movie. I was left wondering about it hours after I saw it, imagining the same scenario, thinking about how i'd keep sane.

Oh and of course, Will's acting is just superb.

Hubs was the one who shared the concept with me.

He was playing with Globe for free gifts or cash prizes. If in Ebay, the highest bid wins, in this one, the lowest unique bid will win the prize. Prizes usually vary, it could be nifty gadgets or shows or wonderful appliances.

Hubs gets crazy when its plasma TV or LCD screens or laptops that is being auctioned.

Bidding for prizes requires creativity and imagination though, to come up with 'bids' that are unique and small. For sure, it would be heartbreaking to be beaten over a new phone by a centavo or two.

But if you're lucky, then it will be just like winning the Sweepstakes.

London isn't just to visit the Queen, though the Buckingham Palace should be more than enough reason to. Hotels in London could probably direct you to roads less travelled for not-so-famous adventures, but websites can already give you ideas. The Eye (is it the biggest ferris wheel on earth?) should also make you feel like "the king od the world" for a while, minus the Atlantic sinking.

Staying in Birmingham is a treat if you're a Tolkien fan since you can trace his footsteps where he lived, and maybe see what could have possibly inspired him to write the things he did.

Where to stay in Manchester also shouldn't be a problem but where to go first might be. After all, it has quarters and parks and cathedrals that are must-see's. It also has its own Chinatown for those who will miss their noodles... and a lot of gay or gay-friendly bars for those who would prefer it. Oh, ande may I just say that Manchester has become a dream destination ever since Mike Gayle made moving to the place a big deal in his book, "brand New Friend".

But like what i've said time and time again, when it comes to London, Stonehenge comes first.

At our company's Christmas party, my former colleagues prepared games with minor prizes for the kids... but we were hardpressed getting them to be involved. They were far too busier playing Yahoo games or some other game on the net... or checking out their Friendster accounts. Some didn't even hide that they were turning off their noses on the prizes.

A colleague said it's because they're kids from pretty well-off families... and they're more into virtual worlds. Still, it was sad that they wouldn't play games for fun's sake.

So we adults played instead... and had loads of fun even if the grand prize is only P60 or something.

*~*

I didn't have the energy to shop... and with limited funds and an aggravated hate of Christmas crowds, I just really didn't make any attempt to do so. I did ask my cousin and sister to brave the crowds of Divi and buy stuff for loot bags. I decided i'd just give gift certificates to godchildren and loot bags to the rest of the kids.

Hubs and I spent Noche Buena with my nieces and nephews in Lipa. Not one adult bought presents to be unwrapped... except my sister who I pressured to buy something for her goddaughter (because I was feeling guilty for not having gifts to give). So only one child unwrapped something... and the kids looked quite forlorn watching her do it. And since my sister decided to give school things, there was nothing exciting about the gift... nothing Bonita could brag about and nothing the others could check out.

Good thing I had loot bags for them... they had to content themselves blowing bubbles and marvelling at the different candies instead. My sister pleaded with me to promise that i'd have presents for the children next year... no matter how cheap. It's weird but it was kinda unbearable to watch them not doing anything after the Noche Buena feast. And eventhough I gave their parents gift certificates for things they'd really want to have from the department store, it's just not the same.

*~*

My little one would never fully appreciate how blessed he is (at least, until he becomes a parent himself, maybe)... and I couldn't help but utter a heartfelt prayer of thanks everytime someone hands us a gift for him. He's only 2.5 months old and already, he's got toys and clothes to last him several months... what's more, he's got a father and mother who are committed to raising him well in love.

... while other kids have to knock on strangers' doors for Christmas loot... and other homes had to celebrate with a parent missing... and other tables are not laden with food.

*~*

Meanwhile... it's our first Christmas without Pyro so Christmas didn't feel quite right.

... i'm feeling so awful.

i've been sending my father so many hateful text messages because he's being so hateful.

and he in turn lashes out on my mom.

and my mom then appeals to me to just leave my father be, for her sake.

and so i tell my mom to finally stand up for herself.

i also tell her i'd leave my father alone but they cannot and shouldn't expect anything from me anymore.

because i'm serious... i don't want to count years of allowing myself hurt and taken for granted by a father who has warped values, and a mother who enabled him.

those years will be better invested another way.

but how do i save my sister from getting trapped in their mistakes?

Christmas is about a lot of things. Gift-giving. Family. Midnight Mass. Noche Buena. And lights.

One sure way to get that Christmas-y feel is to put up lights... all over malls, at facades of buildings, all over the house, all over the Christmas tree and inside lanterns. It's lights that give that warm feeling, that extra glow, that spirit of happiness. (I guess it's also why topnotch hotels and restaurants employ the use of chandeliers... so that patrons will feel good... and spend.)

I remember around two years ago, when I walked into the lobby of PICC for my wedding reception, light fixtures in the ceiling greeted my husband and I. It felt like a shower of stars were falling from the sky. It proved a great backdrop for picture-taking.

I'm guessing those who can afford it can go all-out shopping online for lighting fixtures to warm and accent every nook and cranny of their home. But for most of us, we just take advantage of the Christmas season and bring out the Christmas lights to delight our kids with, and light the carollers' faces with.

... because the Philpost's website isn't really that helpful... then i'll be more helpful.

Anyway... the postal ID is a good ID to have if you're unemployed because it's considered a valid ID and is recognized in important transactions (such as banking). I'm sure not everyone will apply for a passport and not everyone will own a driver's license anyway :)

What to do:

1) Go to the Post Office and go to room 214 (where you'll climb this old staircase and reach a mezanine full of rooms) to secure a form.

2) Return with the duly accomplished form (by duly accomplished I mean you've filled it up and also got your Barangay Chairman to vouch for you by signing it).

3) Supposedly, additional requirements include a photocopy of the barangay chairman's ID as well as other valid IDs (company, driver's, voter's) or pertinent document (birth or marriage certificate). Our chairman says they don't photocopy his ID and instead just issue a barangay clearance. Anyway, the Post Office accepts barangay clearances. I also gave a photocopy of my marriage certificate.

4) Pay attention to the picture requirement. When they say 'no digital picture', they really mean it. I ended up spending P75 getting my 2x2 picture taken at Fujifilm, only to pay P80 more to the man 'holding office' at 214 (better ask where you can get your picture taken when getting the form to save yourself the bother, the man's studio is just within that mezanine). As in your picture has got to have film. I got my picture taken when I submitted the application form with my requirements and he (the photographer) stapled them all together for me with a note where my name was written.

5) Proceed to window 237 (it's just near the entrance) to pay P265 (which includes notarization and documentary stamp). This is also where the thumbmarking happens. Get your official receipt.

6) Return the next day between 1-5 PM and go to window 236 to get your Postal ID.


It's actually that easy except for having to get your chairman to sign the form.

*~*

Oh and i'd just like to commend the Manila City Hall for having this entire wing (almost) just for paying taxes that's air-conditioned. I paid the real estate tax for our houses yesterday (guys, if you wait till January, I heard you won't get to enjoy the air-conditioning, nor the chairs, because the place will be swarming) and was really happily surprised that it was so easy and hassle-free.

Real Estate Tax is at the farthest side of the room, under the letter 'I'. Cashiers are in front of that 'window'.

A good friend and his soulmate are currently still enjoying their Tour of Europe, which they were able to accomplish through a lot of planning and saving. The internet has allowed them access to great deals such as affordable accommodations through sites like Cheaper than Hotels where you can easily shop for places to stay by price, location and rating and also already check which amenities are available. Their site also readily offers sights to see that are nearby and what's more, you get first dibs on the cheapest rates available.

Anyway, I'd really love to travel to Europe myself... and see with my own eyes the streets and walls and fortresses and castles where legends have risen and fallen throughout history.

Of course, a trip to Germany would require that I stay in a Berlin Hotel for the Berlin Wall. I doubt i'd sample German Beer... but I wouldn't be averse to attending Oktoberfest even if I don't drink. After all, it's also one grand carnival and I could just as easily make myself nauseous with the different rides and make myself sick with the different sausages. Bratwurst, anyone? :)

But I know i'd insist on a trip to Auschwitz. Ever since I saw a play back in college about the Auschwitz concentration camp, I have been forever moved. Plus, ok, my perpetual fascination over all things morbid is sure to make me want to view its museum and prisons and wonder about all those people who were tortured and slaughtered there just because their skin color or belief system was different.

In England, i'd make sure to find a nice, cheap place to stay in London so I can go on all the usual tours of the Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, the London Bridge and House of Parliament. But the thing i'd really travel to United Kingdom for isn't in the city...

Stonehenge is located in Wiltshire, massive stones standing in a circular setting that continue to amaze and confound experts. Yes, if I am enticed by Germany because of its dark history (and sausages), I am attracted by London because of its mystery... its haunted castles, its amazing monoliths. Oh and of course, what's a trip to England if I won't visit Liverpool and get a picture taken crossing Abbey Road!

Next country to visit would be France and i'd make sure to find a cozy accommodation in Paris so I can enjoy its art and grandeur as I channel the exploits of the Da Vinci Code. I'd decide for myself if the pyramid in front of the the Louvre adds or takes away from its grandeur.

And then i'd take a side trip to Lourdes for the incorruptible St. Benadette. I'm sure the French countryside will also occupy me as it did Monet and Renoir during their time.

(Fort in Taytay, Palawan) Another place in my list would be to stay in Barcelona and explore Spain. Here I will probably seek historians and librarians instead of the sights, tracing my husband's lineage with him and possibly finding the relatives of his great great grandfather, see where he lived before he was stationed as pulitico-military governor in Taytay, Palawan.

There are other places i'd love to see in Europe... it's just phenomenally rich in history and grandeur and promise that a year would probably be not enough to cover everything. Hopefully, I can find a way soon to at least stagger the accomplishment of the dream.

One hassle of being unemployed is a lack of identification card with picture for transactions, like in banks.

Another real hassle is tucking your passport away so well that you couldn't find it anymore. Tsk.

Anyway, as I have already surrendered my company ID, I found myself lacking identification, which makes setting up a Paypal account (and tying it up with a bank) sh!tty.

So... first thing I did was secure birth and marriage certificate copies from NSO Serbilis Center in Macapagal (at that Hobbies building very near Seaside). At P125 per certificate, you can get it the same day, within an hour or two from first lining up while accomplishing the order form. Andit's really great that the center is airconditioned and there are enough chairs (though the line moves fast so you don't get to enjoy sitting anywhere for long).

Then I went to renew my NBI clearance. I was lost for a while because there were signs saying something about renewing cards but anyway... after paying P15 for the form (first you get a stub, then you go somewhere else for the form), you line up to pay P120. Then you get assessed and what-not till your photo is taken and you are shooed to get your fingerprints taken (where you end up paying P2 for the wet tissue which you'll really need because it gets quite messy having all fingers inked). You pay an extra P120 more if you want to get a card too (laminated and with your picture) aside from the standard-issue clearance. The upside of getting a card is you can renew it in malls and kiosks at any time convenient for you and do not have to go through the fingerprinting business year in and out. And it's great that you can finish within an hour of going to their clearance center in Sta. Cruz (I was stupid enough to buy a community tax certificate which I did not need, at P18). Oh, they'd need to see some ID aside from your old NBI clearance... which is where the birth certificate I got came in handy.

Next project is getting a postal ID which is an ID honored by most banking institutions. First, you secure a form at the post office (room 214 I believe) which you'd have to accomplish and return, duly signed by your barangay chairman with a photocopy of his ID and 3 pieces of your 2x2 picture. You pay a total of P265 (documentary stamp and notarization included) and can get it the following day.

Unfortunately for me, it was fiesta for our barangay which rendered our chairman busy... and being just recently sworn into office, he's also always at the City Hall accomplishing requirements.

Sigh.

After the postal ID, I can get the Unionbank EON Visa card I applied for which i'd use for my Paypal account.

And then i'd wait till my son's birth certificate becomes available at NSO (I don't know why it takes six months, or so they say) so I can then apply for passports for him and myself. I may have to also submit other documents certifying the loss of my old passport. Tsk.

And drat PRC and their very unhelpful website and webmaster... I have yet to receive a reply for my inquiry about renewing my teaching license. Hmpf.

*~*

Dare I interest you guys with my new blog?

I picked up the idea from Joey's blog... I don't think this is exactly a meme but feel free to do it if you have time.

THREE SONGS I WISH I WROTE
1) I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack
2) Imagine by John Lennon
3) The Rose by Bette Midler

THREE SONGS I WISH ARE (ALWAYS) DEDICATED TO ME
1) She's Always a Woman to me by Billy Joel
2) Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel
3) Thanks to You by Tyler Collins

THREE SONGS THAT ALWAYS MAKE ME SAD
1) Terminal by Rupert Holmes
2) Every Now and Then by Earth, Wind and Fire
3) Through the Fire by Chaka Khan (because it reminds me of Py)

THREE SONGS THAT CHEER ME UP
1) To Sir With Love by Petula Clark
2) Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
3) Girls Just Want to have Fun by Cindy Lauper

THREE REALLY GREAT LOVE SONGS
1) All You Need is Love by the Beatles (or the Love Actually version)
2) All I Ask of You by Barbara Streisand
3) Somebody by Depeche Mode

THREE REALLY SAPPY SONGS
1) Saving all my Love by Whitney Houston
2) I Never Dreamed Someone Like You Could Love Someone Like Me by Katie Irving
3) The Past by Ray Parker

THREE SONGS THAT GIVE ME HOPE
1) I Can See Clearly Now by Jimmy Cliff
2) Better Days by Dianne Reeves
3) I Will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman

THREE SONGS THAT HAVE BEEN DEDICATED TO ME
1) If Ever You're In My Arms Again by Peabo Bryson
2) Almost Paradise by Heart
3) You Changed my Life in a Moment by The Company

THREE SONGS THAT WILL ALWAYS REMIND ME OF CHILDHOOD
1) Sad Movies by Sue Thompson
2) Pump Up the Jam by Technotronic
3) The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston

THREE SONGS THAT WILL ALWAYS REMIND ME OF HIGH SCHOOL
1) Please Forgive Me by Bryan Adams
2) Never Say Goodbye by Bon Jovi
3) Heaven Knows by Rick Price

THREE SONGS I WISH I SUNG / CAN SING WELL
1) Starting Over Again by Natalie Cole
2) Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Eva Cassidy (her version)
3) First Time by Robin Beck

... and for the life of me, I cannot think of hateful LSS songs right now :)

... those whom we love first.

Whoever said that must already know that it isn't even generally true. But of course, one must grant a certain acknowledgment of firsts.

Heaven knows I didn't marry my first love. And although i'm the firstborn child, my mother's devotion will always be my younger brother's.

But I remember how my niece Ela and nephew Pyro brought alive the motherly, nurturing, protective instincts in me... driving me to do things I wouldn't normally do... like swallow my pride.

And for those memories, I will always be theirs for the taking, so to speak.

I am positive that I will love all my children, not in the same way most probably, with all of me, same way that I love my husband. But I look at my son and cannot help but feel a little sad for his siblings who will be born to us someday...

For I might not have the time or energy to enjoy just watching them sleep.

Or documenting their every move.

And memorizing every grimace.

And carving in stone every threshold crossed.

Mostly because Yakee is surely around to make kulit.

I look at my son and wonder if he'd ever get to appreciate the privilege of being born first. Of having everyone graciously excited over you, the first blessing to a union. Of being the one who will set standards for the other kids.

We love most those whom we love first. Hmmm. I guess in a way, it will be true, one just have to qualify the statement a little more.

I'd always love Yakee most because he was the first who taught me about being responsible for somebody else's life, health, well-being and future.

I'm sure my (future) other kids have other lessons to teach me, and i'd love them most for bringing alive in me something more, something greater, something better.

*~*

While watching my son sleep, I also cannot help but be sad sometimes... that somewhere, there is a child smiling in his sleep without anyone to witness it, without anyone to rejoice over it, feel gratitude for it and be humbled by it.

Surely, every child deserves the same...

Because of my pregnancy, my sister resigned herself to the fact that i'd be busy come her graduation. And because myn parents prioritized buying a car abroad in preparation of her settling there, she resigned herself further that no parent will be present at her graduation.

So she kept reminding my cousin and my brotehr and sister-in-law to make time for her on her graduation. And she'd bombard them with text messages and woeful self-pitying at night.

I knew she'd have loved it if I could be available but I simply couldn't, exclusively breastfeeding as I am and recuperating from my CS delivery. And that week she was about to march down that aisle and claim her diploma, we had some falling out.

What she didn't know was that we've all known for months that my Mom is using her last money to come home and surprise her. Not sure if my Mom gave in to my pestering about how our youngest deserves a parent to be there for her, or she's been planning it all along.

Anyway, two days before her graduation, my sister was as usual lamenting the fact that she will be without a parent (and i like to believe, more depressed than usual because I haven't forgiven her yet... made all the more unbearable because she couldn't play with my baby all she wants given that we're not on speaking terms). Unbeknownst to her, my hubs and brother went to fetch my Mom at the airport.

My cousin left her to mull over her sad thoughts for a while... and then a knock came and she screamed in surprise to see her mother at my (old) bedroom door. I guess you could say she was immensely surprised and happy.

That night, we also made up.

I would admit to sadness that I was unable to see my sister, my very first baby, cross this particular threshold in all the pomp and boring ritual of a graduation rite. And as much as a relief this must be for my parents to finally graduate from paying tuition fees and what-not, i'm sure my Mom also was not without sadness when she watched her baby all made up and marching down that aisle.

Congratulations to both...

And world, we let loose on you another Nursing grad... one who didn't read my instructions posted on the fridge yesterday and fed my baby cold breastmilk while I was away. Yes, heaven help us all.

But I love her so much... and am so proud of these two women in my life.

It's still not as huge as Mall of Asia, which has its own Ocean Adventure park, carnival and convention center, but since it's almost my second home, the opening of Robinson's Place's Midtown Wing (and the return of Starbucks, bless me) is such a thrill treat for yours truly.

I don't really care about the new shops and resto... but I am amazed at the sheer size of this addition... to think i've been going to Rob since it was only a small, solitary building and rife with bad publicity (the snake child thing and the booming sex trade). I guess you could say, I grew with this mall. Hehe.

Marianette Amper is not a prisoner of war. She was a 12-year old child living in one of the most beautiful places i've ever been to...

She was not a prisoner of war. She was not exactly choice-less. I don't even think she's the poorest girl there is. Other girls in Africa probably have sadder plights, have had more bad days. But at age 12, she's gotten to a point already where she was without hope.

And all that's left of her is a notebook turned into a diary, detailing her sadness over not being able to go to school... over their poverty... over her parents' fights.

I can't even begin to consider the implication of Marianette Amper... partly because I may have been part of the problem that had given her no hope, no reprieve, no guiding light, no saving grace. She is yet another child victimized by the collective decisions and complacency and corruption and selfishness of the adults around her.

Always, it is the innocents that have to be sacrificed.

a bigkis is a piece of cloth tied around a baby's waist, esply newborns to prevent gas and the baby's pee from getting to his belly button. some say it also prevents hernia in baby boys, and give baby girls tiny waists.

*~*

I have a teeny-weeny problem.

During my pregnancy, all my Mom asked was that I use a bigkis on my son, and that we use a book for his first pillow. That's all.

Well, using a bigkis is not in vogue anymore. It really doesn't have any medical relevance, and considering the heat in Manila, is just annoying for a baby and additional laundry really.

But I still bought 6 pieces of bigkis (the new type with ribbons, and not the triangular cloth pieces) because I did intend for my son to wear them... esply if my Mother came home for his birth.

But she didn't. She opted rather to delay her homecoming to time it with my sister's, her youngest child, graduation this November. So the wearing of the bigkis was also delayed.

And because my baby sometimes get fussy, we don't know whether to connect it to the two occasions I did use a bigkis on him.

Anyway, am now bent on using a bigkis on my son... esply since he is gassy but mostly because my Mom arrives in 4 days. And why do I want to please my Mom so where this is concerned, you ask, considering I didn't heed her other advices (like mix feeding and continuing to work)? It's really because of Mamay, my maternal grandma.

Using a bigkis is a Filipino tradition that is still alive in many provinces and households in the country. And it's a tradition Mamay passed onto my Mom, which I had always wanted to be passed to me. It's not harmful in any way, anyway, and the concept would always take me back to a childhood when Mamay was alive and i'd watch her, or her daughters (my Mom or aunt), wrap this triangular cloth around a baby's waist, snugly, before putting any other piece of clothing on the baby.

A bigkis bound a waist, and it has binded me to dreams of motherhood as well. In the same way that i've always known i'd be a mother, in the same way that i've always wanted to be a mother, I have also always known i'd use a bigkis on my child. Just because.

I admit my beloved grandmother is probably frowning that she has yet to see me lovingly dedicated to this particular tradition, but she must also be smiling too because I remember her more and more now, as the years pass and I grow old... because she's always set some standard of motherhood and grandparenthood for me... and I truly, truly miss her.

Heck, I even reminded my Mom that Mamay was always beside a child when a grandchild is born... hoping my Mom will be ashamed a little and come home to be at my side. I know, i'm bad.

I'm just also that devoted to Mamay.

*~*

In a weird way, I can't decide who I miss more... Mamay or Py, in this day for lost loved ones.

UPSIDE
1) You get first dibs on elevators and comfort rooms. Lines will literally part before you.
2) Your husband is converted to a slave, nurse and personal assistant.
3) You get first dibs on food.
4) You get the pregnancy glow.
5) You have hormones to blame for every tear and every forgetfulness and clumsiness.
6) You bring forth a child.
7) Love grows within your marriage/family.

DOWNSIDE
1) It's expensive. From check-ups to supplements to ultrasounds to complications to the actual delivery... and when the baby comes, it just gets more expensive.
2) It's compromising.
3) You are left scarred... from the stretch marks to the episiotomy or CS scar.
4) You are deprived sleep.
5) It's painful in varying ways and intensities.
6) Once baby is born, you are more compromised and end up lacking more sleep.
7) You are overwhelemed with emotions... and become more weepy.




I think I better not continue lest this post turns into a rant. But the truth is, pregnancies are really scarring and life-changing. You are just simply never the same even if you end up miscarrying your baby.

A married woman can feel SINGLE again... if she's widowed or gets separated, annulled, divorced. But once a woman becomes pregnant, she becomes a parent. And after she's given birth, her heart will forever beat outside of her. And her perspective will forever have changed.

Anyway, I am still trying to settle into a new normal... everyday is a constant struggle to remain sane. The downsides to pregnancy are limitless to me and I have to literally point them out to myself again and again. But alas, I could never regret it for I am now tied to my child. I doubt I can ever see the world again as the wonderful place it is without him.

I am in love... scarred, but in love. I am changed. I have been raped and ravaged emotionally and physically. But I am in love.

*~*

Sorry if the post is SOC... I lack sleep.

These are my son's earliest ultrasounds... I think we ended up undergoing 14 of said procedure as my pregnancy was a difficult one and he had to be constantly monitored.

Anyway, like the rest of us, my son started out as no more than a gestational sac... then a fetal pole developed... and then heartbeat... and then the embryo that would become a fetus... that would develop skin and limbs and systems... that would be born as an infant... that would hopefully grow up.

My son's lucky... hubs and I, however imperfect and human, love him and vow to give him the best we can ever give. But no matter how much or how little we end up loving him, inspiring him, caring for him, teaching him... we are not given any guarantees as to whether he will grow up into someone we can be proud of.

For all our efforts, he could still choose to be an angry person. He could choose to be an unhappy person. He could grow up disappointed with the world and commit suicide. He could grow up and end up being a criminal. He could someday beat his wife, his kids, and who knows who else. He could be the next anti-Christ.

By the same principle, he could be the next President... or the next Pope... or the next Filipino Saint.

The point is... he could be anybody. He will be a product of his physiological limitations and natural skills and experiences and choices. But mostly, he will be a product of his choices.



*~*

Apart from nature making sure only the fittest are born, and situations where a pregnancy endangers the life of a mother... I could never support abortion. It is essentially, to me, a deprivation of the right to be anybody.

Sure, it's sad that there aren't more people choosing to be happy and productive. Sure, more criminals and corrupt officials and unhappy mothers and unfaithful fathers and ungrateful kids paint a picture of a sad society... and we do have a population problem. It is just really out of control.

But the minute fertilization occurs... life begins. Sure, a gestational sac is only just a sac, but it will be created especially for the unique individual it's preparing for. And all of us started like that...

so really... how dare any of us say that we have the right to not give any life a chance to find him/herself someday in a position to choose what he/she will make of his/her life?

*~*

I am all for contraceptives however... I do not put premium on possibilities when there isn't a fact of conception yet.

Pondering all my years in this lifetime, I cannot help but feel like a distant observer at some points in my life. How could I have been so unhappy and angry and lost and just plain ridiculous? :)

But then again, all those angst-ridden years worked itself out in the end to bring me to ME... to this ME that's happy and fulfilled and hopeful.

Some plans I made for myself paid off... like not getting pregnant or marrying way before I was prepared for the challenges, and deserving of its rewards.

And because i've chosen well where it counts, forces are conspiring and making everything fall into place.

The first ten years of my life... I was an unhappy child with a happy enough childhood. I was blessed with mental stimulation, escape from things that disappointed me, material things that would sustain me, and a sort of love that, though I found wanting, will still always be more than what others have enjoyed. And being the eldest child will forever cloak me with certain favors and expectations that would facilitate my becoming self-possessed.

The second ten years of my life... was tumultuous and basically involved, wasted, focused, spent on finding answers to questions I have not phrased well. Thus, the wandering. But still, I had the time of my life. I had friends, I had admirers. Despite the acne and the thinness, I never felt ugly... even in times of rejection. I also got a glimpse of what true love can be.

The last ten years so far... have been spent on ridding myself of the angst and the drama that drove me to stupid, self-defeating scenarios... and formulating my questions well so I can get the answers I was seeking. I guess I got so good in formulating some of these questions that they answered themselves :) The last two years have particularly seen me go through the most painful, the most beautiful, the most life-defining, the most humbling times of my life... and the privilege of being loved and having loved has seen me through.

So now I can't help but be very optimistic of the next years ahead. I am aware that my troubles will be more dire, more serious, more gut-wrenching... but I also know that the rewards can more than compensate for all the times that i'd cry.

It's true... once you decide for sure where you want to go, the journey becomes a little more clearer and easier. The road even sometimes seems to be paved in gold, with street signs directing you to shortcuts and invaluable sidetrips to further enrich the trip.

Life has been good to me, despite the scars and the souvenirs, my spirit has triumphed... and I have the luxury of still being able to dance my way thru life.

So I thank the greater force that has kept me safe and healthy and that has blessed me so... and I thank all the friends and foes that have enriched my life with lessons I wouldn't have learned otherwise...

*~*

The only thing I can really wish for now is a safe, non-CS delivery that will deliver a healthy baby to me and my husband's arms.

(but ok, I wouldn't say no to material things... wehehehe, but even a brand-new DSLR cannot make my heart skip a beat these days)

P.S. I Love You is written by the very pretty Cecelia Ahern (Ireland's Prime Minister's daughter, I think). It's a tale of how a young husband who died from cancer left his wife a list of things to do to help her cope with his passing.

It's a CHICK read... but I must say it has its moments (much preferable really than the Shopaholic sh!t series). And ok, ok... I love Brit/irish authors. And ok, I am fascinated by death.

So reading the book has made me appreciate my husband much, much more... I can't, for the life of me, imagine a world anymore without him... so my heart really goes out to all those who have lost their soulmates and bestfriends in the person of their spouse...

Anyway, they made it into a movie... and may I just say, with such a powerhouse cast! Am not so thrilled actually to learn that Hilary Swank is playing the heroine (always thinking she's too masculine) but she is an Oscar winner twice over... and though I haven't watched the movie 300, I seriously doubt I won't drool and melt over Gerard Butler :)

And who doesn't love Kathy Bates and Lisa Kudrow???

And my gosh, Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Denny from Grey's Anatomy)!!! I think he'd have made a better Daniel character than Harry Connick Jr. (mainly because he's mastered that quiet, intense, piercing, soulful look that just makes you melt in his arms).

Ok fine... I have got to stop drooling :D

But I really hope the movie turns out great. It's showing in December abroad so we might get it sometime in January pa, given the usual Christmas Filmfest.

A guy friend and I were chatting yesterday... and he told me about still feeling 'the urge' to sleep around despite really being in love with his girlfriend.

(Might I add that a lot of my labskis are this comfy with me... am usually the only one they can ever turn to with such stories and secrets.)

I asked him if he's ever really surrendered to sex/making love... enough that the world literally shakes for him, or crumbles for him. If he's ever felt sated enough that, for a brief moment, he can say he need never have sex again... or need not seek sexual satisfaction again for days... or a long time.

If a woman has ever surrendered herself to him in the same way.

All he could think of to tell me is that he's scared of surrendering because he doesn't want to prematurely ejaculate... w/c is entirely missing MY point.

Surrendering to the pleasures and magic of sex has less to do with the actual orgasm and more to do with psychic release... that unexplainable feeling of totally existing and totally being in limbo (separate from this world and its realities and limitations).

That's the thing... you haven't really enjoyed sex when you haven't surrendered yourself to sex like that. I think this unconsciously explains why some people are enticed to be unfaithful... not really because they're not with their sexual soulmates... not really because they're exactly unsatisfied with their partners... but because they miss something they couldn't quite well grasp, a thing that we're hardwired to seek.

And men may be more likely to sleep around because, as much as they enjoy the game of hunting and gathering, few of them actually allow themselves to be THAT involved in the act.... to actually LOSE ONESELF in it.

I recently saw an episode of IMBESTIGADOR where they featured sex workers 'plying their wares' near places of worship.

Of course, it was all kinds of offensive and shocking... i'm just not sure though if these people moved there because Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim has deprived them of their usual haunting places (Rizal Avenue and Baywalk, for example, which, when former Mayor Atienza revived and beautified became watering holes for pimps, pros and perverts).

Anyway... male sex workers/prostitutes now haunt the area around Redemptorist Church, that Shrine in Baclaran that never closes. Just zero in on someone who's standing alone for a while. Yes, at least they don't have the nerve yet to actually pretend to pray inside while waiting for prospective customers... almost always gay guys who'd ask if they're waiting for someone, would they like to grab a bite, etc.

Another place of worship serving as a backdrop to such meat-selling is the Remedios Church in Malate. The M.O. here is slightly less crude, since it involves guys with cars who will pretend to park around the Remedios Circle, who will then be met by barkers (pimps) and asked what they want. The driver can just tell the barker his budget, after which the barker will let girls in that budget range parade in front of the car (all dressed in street clothes really, so it isn't that obvious) so the driver can choose.

And it is kinda sad that prostitution is the only 'profession' where female flesh really sells higher (oh, modelling is another one pala)... because girls at Remedios can easily fetch P1,500 while offers being made to the men at Redemptorist can be as low as P200.

And where's the police in this, you ask? Probably texting their textmates and waiting to collect their 'tongs' before the sun rises.

*~*

Another proof that sex remains a driving force in our tourism industry:

Hubs and his colleagues were drinking and dining around 2 months ago at Baywalk when they were approached by Koreans (in their 20s) and asked outright where to get girls and K-I-K-I (yeah, whoever instructed them could be nothing but boorish).

... i am.

After almost a month of feeling like my old self, everything came crashing down again.

I feel bloated and heavy and gauche... my groin area hurts like hell everytime I move or shift in bed. Cramps are always threatening to overtake me. I can't manage long walks again. I constantly feel sleepy and exhausted.

And I find myself needing my husband always beside me again...

Ok fine, I am in my 36th pregnancy week. I can go into labor anytime...

And i've started feeling poor again... mostly because I can't spend any of our money since it's for the delivery. And there are all these things I want to buy... like more baby-related stuff, and a new phone, and gadgets for hubs. I don't even have enough to buy cocoa butter... sniff, sniff (ok, I know I really shouldn't complain since we did eat at Friday's last Sunday, and I have been drowning myself in ice cream since). And I am 'allowed' to spend... hubs has always been gracious about letting me shop anyway. I just hate lines at the check-out counters. :D

And then there's the birthday blues... I am turning 30 in less than a month. I'm not really mourning my youth just yet since I don't exactly feel ancient... but it is rather a milestone year, is it not? But I can't celebrate it with a party since we don't really know when i'd be giving birth... aside from the expense, i'm also too tired to actually plan even an afternoon merienda with friends.

And then there's my maternity leave and resignation... aside from having to cram finishing up deadlines, I'm also hard-pressed to sort my files/archives to save my personal files. We're also transferring offices so all the files that should be properly added to our central file must also be submitted to our clerk. I have an entire desk of personal belongings to sift through... and bring home. And i'm too lazy to do it... but i'm running out of time to do so. Tsk.

And then there's me, about to pop and all, getting myself much too involved in someone else's family drama.

And i'm missing Py a lot again.

And there are all these fears the impending delivery brings... all these anxieties of what ifs that hound me, whether awake or sleep.

And there are these crying jags again... the need to just sob and sob and sob with no real reason for doing so.

Sigh. So miserable... I might as well go get my ice cream.

Last Wednesday, I had to rush to the side of my friend... who needed someone to talk to.

She's just left her husband. She's 'known' for years that her husband was cheating on her... she's found small proofs in his pockets, she's heard too many stories and excuses that don't ring true... but she stayed in the marriage because she wanted to protect her children.

Everything for her five kids... until it was her own daughter who saw the pictures and video of the father's philandering.

In a way, she could finally breathe... because she need not protect her children anymore from the truth that has killed all the love she ever had for the man she married, and all the self-respect she ever had for herself.

But it's always very shattering for a mother to see her children in pain.

And then, it's more shattering to have your own sisters tell you not to be hasty in your decisions.

What's worse, it's more shattering to have none of your children offer you a comforting word... to have none of them condemn their father for what he did.

That's one of the burdens of being a woman... even fellow women won't always support you when your heart gets broken by a man and you decide that enough is enough. And your children will always somehow expect you to be the one that holds the family together, regardless of the cost to you... as a person.

I told my friend that she has always been a good wife, though not faultless... and a great mother, though not perfect. But I remind her that before she was a wife and mother, she was a woman first... a human being with rights and limitations... and a daughter second... a child who owes the parents that raised her well to exact the treatment she deserves from everyone else.

I know she's a strong woman and would survive this. But oh, the scars... the trials ahead... the pain... the tears of her youngest son whenever he thinks he's become a victim of a broken family.

All because her husband believes in some sort of entitlement to being allowed to do whatever he wants... like bedding all these girls who work in clubs... just because he's provided well for his family materially.

He never even apologized when confronted... he never made any attempts to save the family... the most he did was tell the younger kids not to let the separation affect them because it's his and their mother's fault.

So, of course, my heart goes out to my friend. I cried with her. I cried for all the other mothers whose homes, whose lives, whose dreams, whose children were broken because they made the mistake of marrying an a$$hole.

I also told my friend that am sure her children are not being selfish with the way they're handling things... but as children, it's natural that their first instinct would be denial... self-preservation.

Nobody leaves a broken home unscathed... untouched... unmarked anyway.

But am sure those who will want it badly enough will learn from the experience and turn the pain into something useful... something beautiful... and they'd all live and love again with innocence and hope.

So here's to another broken home... may there be less of them.

And here's to another broken woman... may the world converge to help her heal.

I was tagged by Mama Christianne almost a month ago, but am only now attending to the meme.

TEN RANDOM THINGS ABOUT MY MOM

~ she makes the meanest chicken mac salad, champorado, sotanghon soup and hot cocoa I know (actually she cooks a lot of other things she's known in our family for, but these are the only ones I really love)

~ Mom grew up poor and never got to shake off that poverty-ridden feeling, so she's always bent on saving money and absolutely isn't comfy about treating herself to anything really nice

~ Mom loves kids and animals. She's a born nurturer. (weirdly enough, she wasn't particularly warm to us)

~ She had a long-time boyfriend before (an engineer) that my lolo didn't approve of. He was very strict with her which is why...

~ She got married at age 29... to a pen pal at that (ang corny talaga ng love story ng parents ko!)

~ She learned to drive at age 57, but will only be getting her driver's license at age 59 :)

~ She was a teacher (a very strict one at that) before working for the government (CSC, Personnel) for around 30 years.

~ She loves dancing and singing! She lives for ballroom dancing and videoke!

~ She's always been partial to my brother, believing he needs her the most, always picking up after him, etc... our greatest source of tension.

~ She spent all her retirement benefits to finance my nephew's treatments before... for which i'd always love her more.


Now... anybody up for the tag, just do it :)

MIAU is the name of my pu$$y.

And the first man to cup/touch it is someone I do not know.

I have forgotten the tale... and only recently managed to remember it to tell my hubs of the sad, bad experience.

I was in 3rd year high school. PCS was situated smack dab in a market place... my friend and I were walking home after class. The man passed me, going in the opposite direction, and just cupped/grabbed my MIAU thru my skirt.

I couldn't have confused it being accidental because he had the temerity to whisper, "Ang sarap mong kan**tin".

Down fell my books and bags as I go into a state of shock. My friend asked what happened and I managed to peep it out, after which she started shouting mean things at the guy (who kept turning to look at our reaction to what he did). Schoolmates about started staring as I remained still, just totally shocked.

What i couldn't understand then was the fact that it happened when I was wearing a school uniform. I felt so underserving of the 'pambabastos' because I wasn't wearing and doing anything to provoke something like that...

Proof that there is something wrong in my (or girls, in general) indoctrination/enculturation, since my first reaction was to ask "did i deserve to be treated that way?"

I was accompanied home, shaking and quivering over the violation, by my friend.

And no, now I am empowered enough to know that such men don't need provocation at all. But am I empowered enough to do something if I find someone masturbating beside me in a jeep?

I can't say for sure.

And I know i'd be hard-pressed not to feel dirty and shamed and ashamed and violated and shocked all over again.

I have unwittingly found myself a member of a ygroups, whose objective is to provide a support system for those dealing with PCOS and infertility.

In the midst of all the ranting about arduous work-ups and disappointing results and news of other people getting pregnant... I kidded my sisters that I could at least help them in spicing up their sex lives, so that sex wouldn't be routine, given that their goal is to reproduce.

Anyway, I typed the following up for them... basic tips really to help them make making babies more fun :) I'll try to edit/modify as much as I can to make it sound more coherent and concise... but do remember that I am a lazy, pregnant, moody woman right now and what you;d read may be as good as it gets :)

*~*

anyway... you don't HAVE TO find yourself in THESE positions kasi feeling ko yung iba, maghahanap ka lang ng sakit ng katawan eh :D

tapos... granting that your hubby doesn't have any problems at all with sperm count and motility (although if you want, insist on him wearing boxers a week or two before your fertile phase, wala naman mawawala eh)... the focus should be on YOUR (the woman's) orgasm (kasi there are those who believe that it's very important in
creating this overall conducive environment for reproduction to take place)

tapos... granting that you married your sexual counterpart (at least, pareho kayo ng attitude towards sex), focus on the little things that you CAN modify and get that extra feeling of naughtiness and kinkiness

so ano-ano lang ba yun?


POSITION
they say that the best positions for reproduction are still the missionary, doggie and woman on top (pag mababa din daw matres mo)... so syempre let's stick to these na lang... but you can spice it up by angling one extremity a certain way... you can combine face-to-face coitus with woman on top by actually lying on top of your hubs and making kinda ipit his pecker and grinding your pelvis on his (it can be a little painful for you, and yet really pleasurable din)... kung doggie naman, have your partner na parang naka-bend yung isang knee while the other parang tatayo na sya (yung nakaapak sa kama yung talampakan? basta this offers more support for him). that way pareho kayong asa kama... kung yun ang usual, eh di bend on all fours naman near the edge of the bed...so he can actually stand on the floor... kung woman on top and malakas-lakas ang thigh/leg muscles mo, sit on top of him... dont extend your legs forward but rather squat talaga on top of him and then move up and down (well ok fine, guys love this one more!)... kung missionary naman, yun nga, have your legs on his shoulders... or do that scissor thing while he pumps (actually sya dapat gagawa nun, iko-cross and uncross nya yung legs mo that are extended up as he pumps)

LOCATION
if you want to remain in the house, use the dining table instead... or the vanity table... or the floor... or the wall... this August 27 ata, Mars will be brightest daw (?)... so do it in your yard, garage or by the window where you can see the skies... If you have the moolah, check into your old motel haunts... a really sleazy-looking one (dyan sa may U Belt)... or a 3-star hotel...or a really swanky hotel... or really go on a conceptionmoon nga :D go away!!!

STIMULATION
watch steamy videos first... get massages first... listen to erotica together... read erotica to each other... touch each other in ways you've never done before... feed aphrodisiacs to each other... heck, even watching games (as in basketball), playing games (Wii, PSP etc) or engaging in debates can turn us on and give us a high... even exercising together can do that...

ROUTINE
even the horniest of couples fall into a routine din :) so try different ways to initiate it... use DIY-coupons... use the fishbowl technique in determining w/c things you'd do next... use a love dice if you want :) bathe each other first... or don't go showering at all... let him start from your toes... start w/ a massage... etc... have him striptease for you... give him a lap dance first... arrange w/ hubs first that you'd be prolonging the foreplay this time... or alang foreplay at all...

you can also build up the anticipation by engaging in sexual activities without totally going all the way before it's time... like, ust touching each other the whole night one night, then just kissing lips-to-lips one other night, then kissing every inch of the body another night, etc... until the day you're supposed to really engage in coitus

PROPS
you don't have to be using hardcore dildos and vibes... but a clit vibe (P400 lang sa Pride Exchange dyan sa may Nakpil) could do wonders while he's pumping and using it on you (lalo na if he's tamad or not always in-the-know where the clit is)... blindfolds... whipped cream on chests (avoid sweets lang talaga on your nether
regions... avoid infection pls, as bacteria thrives in moist, sugary places, wehehe), honey, wine, ropes (as in tie him up sa chair before sitting on him)... use pillows to your advantage... use feather boas... use your favorite stuffed toy... use silk hankies... use leather belts

PARTNER
ehem ehem... role playing games po at hindi papalitan talaga si hubs :D Pretend you're the maid and he's the amo...or you're the boss and he's the driver... converse as if you're having an affair... converse as if it's your first time... etc. If you want, wear outfits... like old uniforms na kasya pa... explore your
fetishes and fantasies together... pretend to be a sex worker if you want (and get him to pay din, like P100 for every button popped, P500 for every clothing removed... aba, the ecstasy of more shopping money might contribute to the orgasms)



Opkors... some changes, you may want to discuss w/ your partner first... who might not be too keen on seeing you with a belt on your hand :)

Even if you're not TTC (trying to conceive), these are just simple things to keep in mind to keep the flame burning... and bond you and hubs closer together... You know yourself and your partner best... just start with baby steps... don't do anything you're not too comfy with, and be realistic (not everyone gets turned on by really dirty talk) and flexible (if two pillows under your butt isn't for you, say so and
improvise) and don't forget to have fun :)

Send this e-mail to hubs :D Kasi he has to be pleasing you... and a woman is more likely to be multiple orgasmic if she's been primed all day :)

I am guilty of not having the best of attitudes... I once had the shameful experience of being scared to be mistaken as a domestic helper when I went to Hongkong several years ago... I make the usual jokes about dads coming home from Saudi with 'hepatitis' (because of being laden with gold jewelries), etc.

I am still a work in progress... I know.

But I am a product of an OFW father... and part of my perpetual issues with them (my parents) now is a childhood deprived of their company. Which is why I think I also grew up with a certain amount of respect for OFWs in general, and seamen in particular. I simply cannot deny the sacrifice they make, having suffered from it, and having enjoyed its rewards.

And so, when Wowowee shot an episode in the US, where OFW contestants shared their stories and appealed to their families to spend the money they send wisely... I cried. I cried for the old mothers still slaving in nursing homes just to help their grown-up children support their families (their grandchildren). I cried for those who haven't gone home for years to save the money instead, and send it back here to support hospitalization, education, housing, etc of various family members.

My parents have migrated in the U.S. and constantly share with me the many hardships they've had to deal with there... just to support Py's hospitalization before, my sister's education, and save for their own home and car there in preparation for my sister settling there, and my brother being petitioned too...

And so I feel for OFWs... and I constantly pray that those left behind will practice much prudence in spending the hard-earned money sent their way...

The government has said it again and again... OFWs are our modern heroes. Without them, the Philippine economy will be no more.

Which brings me to Malu Fernandez, her articles written in very poor taste, and bloggers everywhere uniting to get Manila Standard and People Asia Magazine to issue apologies for publishing her articles and fire her.

Just follow the links... and if you have the time, e-mail the many addresses provided for various people/media to appeal this cause. This is but just a very little thing to do for our OFWs, who deserve our gratitude and protection, in exchange for the dollar remittances that essentially keep our economy alive. No one, not even the rich, should be allowed to malign these people...

(Oh, you'd also find that this Malu Fernandez has had to suffer from weight-related problems all her life... a pity really that I couldn't feel sorry for her after finding out about it, because it seems she never learned compassion, humility and humanity)

Becoming a Mom is not the only threshold i'd be crossing this year. I'd also be leaving the comforts (covenience and familiarity) of my job of 7.5 years.

I can rant about working for the government, and maybe even spill the beans about how corrupt things can really be inside... I can complain about the bureacracy and the redundant tasks and the pointless undertakings...

But since it's a job that allowed me to have a life (have relationships, enjoy friends, experience holidays, go travelling, have family time, etc), I can't really complain now, can I?

Soon... i'll be joining the unemployed.

Soon... i'll have to muster humility since I won't be earning my keep anymore.

Soon... i'll have to face the challenge of pursuing my dreams, the things I really wanted to do, the things that I may be good at.

Soon... i'll have to be brave and risk failure.

Soon... i'll be reborn and become someone new... someone better I hope :)

(yes... in all honesty, I just really don't know what else to blog about)

... like a disappointed pregnant woman.

I know i've always been emotional.

I know i've always been outspoken.

I know i've always been short-tempered.

I know i've always been intolerant.

I know i've always been weepy.

But lately... i've just really been more so, and worse, it's my family i'm picking on.

I haven't been this confrontational with my parents... or husband... or siblings. Mom is being a lot patient eventhough i'm sure she's reeling from one critical e-mail after another. I don't think my Dad is going to speak to me when he comes home this September. I'm not in good terms with my cousin. And i'm close to giving my husband an ultimatum.

I'm not fighting with any of them just for the sake of some drama... it's more like, things i've always been patient/understanding enough about (but have been unresolved issues for years) just really get to me. And i'd rather tell them what I think and feel about it, even tell them they're wrong, than sit on the matter and be patient and understanding some more.

It's a good thing really that hubs still loves me to pieces because at the rate am going, i'd really have no other family to speak of once i've given birth but ours :)

But there's also no going back... i've had enough!

WHAT: An introduction to Shibari (also more commonly known as bondage, or the art of rope tying) by Sensei Shinobi73

photo supplied by Shinobi
An introductory lecture and a live demonstration on the application of the traditional art of Japanese rope bondage.


WHEN: 25th day of August 2007, Session starts promptly at 7:00 pm

WHERE: Robinson’s Apartelle along EDSA

FEE: P600.00 per person - to cover the refreshments (just chips and drinks - no alcohol), the place, the models and the materials needed for the presentation

for more details, contact tetsubo73 @ yahoo.com :) The event will be limited to a number of slots to make sure that as many of your questions will be answered...

you don't have to have experience already with shibari or bondage. Curious people are welcome. Perverted ones are not, of course :)

I've written about the unfaithful husband. This is the silver lining in that cloud.

I was originally friends with the husband, then he introduced his wife to us. Like what I said, the wife was a very pretty, very charming woman. She's also best friends with the wife of one of my hubby's high school barkada.

And I got to spend time with their three wonderful kids.

Anyway, when the husband was greatly embittered by the unfaithful woman he gave up his family for, he told me that he was trying to win his family back. But it was harder to do because his ex-wife is with someone else now too.

The wife e-mailed me about a week ago and she shared with me a truly wonderful love story.

There was this guy she knew from childhood... that guy's family moved to the US when he was around 11 but their families remained in contact so they grew up still being friends, and very close despite the distance.

They were never involved romantically. But they were close.

The girl met her husband-to-be in high school... he was her first and last boyfriend. They got married a few years after graduating from college. They were married for ten years before the split happened.

The girl/wife told me that she almost didn't marry her husband then... being so confused about her feelings for him, and her feelings for her then bestfriend (who was still living in the US). But she did marry him... and lost her friend in the process. The guy admitted to being so devastated by her marriage to someone else.

So for around ten years... they weren't friends anymore.

And then the divorce happened. Girl is living with her kids in Las Vegas and picking up the pieces of her family life. News of her divorce reached her childhood friend through mutual friends... and he left his life in New York without batting an eyelash, to move to Las Vegas.

He never married, you see.

And the kids? They have grown so fond of him that they refer to him as "Dad".

And the girl? Giddy with happiness.

*~*

And the ex-husband? Back with the girl.

He called me the other day to solicit help in verifying his girlfriend's story (that involves her colleague, who is one of the many engineers under my hubby's supervision). Hubby refused to check the story out because he hates the girl for making work harder for him... and he doesn't want us involved in their drama.

In a way, I am not surprised he's back with the girl. I could detect from our conversations before that he was just angry and hurt, but he hasn't learned his lesson... nor has he any amount of self-preservation left in him.

(Oh.... but he says he intends to fool around while being with this girl, and that he'd learn to let her go while being with her)

It's that sad.

What's even sadder is him trying to borrow money from his ex-wife... because of a P1M financial problem that his ex-wife doesn't know how he could have acquired.

He did buy his girlfriend a car (albeit second-hand). And once, he told his son that he doesn't have money to buy him the game he wants... only to be found later on a vacation with the girlfriend. So yes, one can only guess why he's in debt.

What's even saddest?

His kids have stopped calling him Dad and have learned to refer to him by name.

Unlike two years ago, where I was among those who were lined up in front of National bookstore at just before 7:00 AM to get my copy of the latest HP book, I got my copy of the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows at after lunch last Saturday.

And I didn't get to read it till around 9:30 PM that night. It took me around 16 hours to finish the book. And I really couldn't go without sleep and naps and breaks for mealtimes (also, wiwi breaks, hehe). But my unborn cooperated by not kicking and rolling around inside so much (which actually worried me because am used to getting distracted every hour by his frolicking) so I found it easier to get comfortable while reading.

And alas, I shed tears.

Two of the characters I didn't want to die were killed in the battle between Good and Bad Magic. But weirdly enough, because their deaths transpired during the 'war' where too much was going on, I was mostly left shocked and sad.

So ok, revise, revise... I cried more when Dobbey died. And when the Weasleys gathered around George when he got his ear cut off. (partida, I didn't post the names of the other main characters who died!)

It's amazing though how a lot of Potter fans' guesses were right regarding who RAB was (but nobody, I think, got how he did it, right), and Snape's love for Lily, and about Harry being a Horcrux. It just goes to show that a lot have really imbibed the saga and came close to how JK Rowling thinks and feels.

I didn't care if Harry died or not... and I didn't think he will, and fans can rest easy that he didn't.

And am glad that Snape was redeemed... because I actually really like his character :)

Anyway, this last HP book is just really DARK. I think even the sixth book was not enough preparation for how dark this book is... and i'd like to say that JK didn't disappoint all. The transitions in every chapter were just perfect. And eventhough many have guessed right about a lot of things, JK proved again how masterfully she can weave these ideas into a magical tale.

Basta, that was my biggest fear... that the final book will be anti-climactic (well, the Epilogue was, sort of). But it soooo was not. It was engaging and gripping and heartbreaking.

In fact, the 5th book (Order of the Phoenix) is the only imperfect book in the series... I guess because JK was not able to take her time in really writing that one so there's just something not-so-smooth about its telling.

I can't wait for the movie too... wondering how the war will be translated into film.

And it is kinda sad that this saga has ended. But i'm glad that it happened in my time... and that I enjoyed the journey.

*~*

I'd be re-reading the series starting on Book 1 so i'd be finished before my son, who will be named after a character from the series, is born.

*~*

The reason my fascination over Harry Potter had to take a backseat was because we celebrated Pyro's birthday.

I miss those years when all i'd rant about is going broke because of all the birthdays we need to celebrate at home.

Things have changed a lot, and none of them good.

Mom is in the US. I think this is her third birthday away from us, her kids.

My cousin's birthday was yesterday. But ever since April this year, we haven't really been in the best of terms. And I just got upset with her yesterday because she didn't tell me she'd be going someplace, and I felt like a fool trying to get home asap to enjoy dinner with her. Add to that the fact that she also left me all alone the other day without informing me, eh I was still recovering from my recent hospitalization. And because I just got discharged last Monday, i'm both broke and exhausted to make plans to celebrate.

And I am still pregnant, after all.

Worse, yesterday was also my uncle's first death anniversary. He's the first sibling lost in my father's family of 11, and the other 10 are all in the US. The last sibling to join them there left just last weekend. It's weird not having an 'elder' to turn to, eventhough we (my siblings, cousins and I that are left here) are all actually adults now (most with our own families, even).

And because I and hubs used up a lot of absences again when I was hospitalized, we couldn't join my cousins in Lipa to honor my uncle's memory... and help out in the padasal.

And then, of course, there are the crying jags over Pyro's birthday... tomorrow. Pregnancy hormones don't help me get my grief in check... i'm just a weepy mess again, and everything was aggravated by my confinement. Morbid thoughts haunt me. Sadness overwhelms even my siblings.

Py's Mom is turning 30 on the 29th too... but like when my brother had his birthday last June, I doubt she won't feel the void left by the loss of their son... their only child.

It was also just this month that we confirmed that we're having a boy... and where my hubs' family is thrilled to the core about another child carrying the family name... my family is very much conflicted.

And the saga that is Harry Potter is also ending tomorrow, with the release of the seventh book (which i'll get to read at night pa because we'd honor Py's memory muna... tsk, that boy knew Harry Potter!)

Ok, ok... am making everything sad. Tsk.

True, it's not like I don't have a family still. Our clan remains a big one. My other nieces and nephews are thriving and noisy... the youngest of which was born last June 29 (day before her Dad's birthday). Baby Alyssa Denise had some medical problems in her first two weeks in this world but she's recovered and in the pink of health now. It took her parents some seven years to come up with her (thus, the jealousy her Kuya is feeling towards her arrival, hehe).

Sigh. Soon, our very own Yakee will join her in being the youngest of the next generation...

And maybe, next year, the month of July won't be such a sad, trying one.

... that I don't have a camera anymore (because I still do)

... that I don't know how to use a camera anymore (a little true, lolz, because I can't take decent pictures, kahit group shots)

... that am no longer a cam-whore (because I still am, but my recent pics usually show me with a bungisngis smile)

... that am no longer sexy (well, I don't always feel attractive... and I really don't feel I wield that sexual power I once always had... but I know am sexy! Hubs tells me so! Nyahaha)

Me at six and a half months

*~*

I have to take decent pics of me wearing all the maternity clothes i've been buying though... I orginally didn't want to be dressed up like an overgrown girl (you know, with all those laces and bows) but I also can't imagine wearing tights to look chic. I also opted to buy oversized polo blouses instead, so I can still use them when am already breastfeeding... but overall, my wardrobe is one mismatched collection of whatever catches my fancy.

Love the dress am wearing today though... and I think it enhances my aura because guys have been checking out the preggy me all morning.

I have to believe I also sometimes exhibit that wonderful pregnancy glow, demmet! :D

*~*

And seriously, I find myself just laughing at how awkward my body has become... I have to half-slide, half-roll just to get off the bed. Now, I really walk like a duck. So taking nudie pics of myself was a half-insane, half-freaky experience, having to 'pose' after setting the timer, and not really knowing what to do with my thousand bulges :D

Hubs was giving his family a crash course on computer use (because they just bought a new one, and will be getting a dsl connection soon) when we realized that his 11-year old brother didn't know how to use his thumb drive properly. The thumb drive became the school's requirement to replace floppy disks and where their assignments were going to be saved. BIL swears that they weren't taught to use it properly, I guess their teachers just assumed that they all knew how to use it (same way that they assumed that every kid in their school has a ready internet connection for research work). That was stupid. But the fact that the thumb drive contained no files (yet) but alerted the PC's virus scanner meant that the terminals in their school was a breeding ground for viruses.

Of course, with so many students using these terminals... what can one expect? But surely, for the thousands of pesos you pay such schools, it's actually logical for you to assume that their terminals are protected enough and attended to by really competent staff.

Maybe I'm just nitpicking.

But such is the sad state of the education system here in the country. The really good teachers are all working abroad, where they get properly compensated for the work they do. Tuition fees continue to skyrocket. Parents work longer hours just to put their kids in schools of good reputation, wanting to assure that they'd get into the better colleges, and later on, hopefully guaranteeing employment. Schools offer a more and more complex curriculum and parents are being led to believe that everything a child needs to succeed in life will be taught there. Meanwhile, they will also pay for tutors and summer school...

But it's been the consistent observation these past few years that we're churning out kids who haven't really mastered anything. Even their English profficiency is objectionable. And am not even talking of kids educated in public schools just yet.

And then there are the non-traditional schools cropping up, promising alternative ways of educating your child. Not only do they promise a smaller teacher-student ratio, they also make Calculus fun. But the price you'd have to pay will definitely cost you. If La Salle Zobel charges around P70k per year during the elementary grades, a year of prep in Eton would cost P120k. That's not yet counting the child's allowance and baon, the fees for tutors and field trips and uniforms and other expenses for the entire school year.

And just how involved do these schools get in terms of your child's welfare? I've had friends working as school counselors in the more prestigious ones over in QC who quit their jobs because they couldn't stand the priests and nuns running those schools who turn a blind eye on the abuse happening in their students' homes. I guess, if you're the violent parent, you really wouldn't appreciate the school telling you off... but what if it was your other child or your family driver abusing your child? Wouldn't you want to know?

Oh, and don't get me started on how a lot of parents are on a race: whose child is more genius?

Do kids even have entire afternoons where they can just stare at skies and talk make-believe?

I don't doubt that kids may be smarter today... but are their lives better? Are they happier? Are they healthier? Do they have more meaningful relationships?

We always say we want to give the best for our kids... and I know there can't be ONE THING that is best for everyone. But still, I think 'best' should be qualified further.

I'd love to have really smart kids... but I hope, not at the expense of their childhood and humanity. And not at the expense of my sanity, wehehehe.

*~*

Meanwhile, the results are in for the New Seven Wonders of the World. I didn't like it one bit that the Great Pyramids of Giza went off the list.

SAHM = Stay At Home Mom

Ever since I was a child, I knew I wanted to be a SAHM... not because I dreamed of doing household chores, but because I wanted to be the one dressing up my kids for school, and the one they'd be coming home to.

I wanted to be the one to see all their firsts... and not have to hear about it from the yaya, or from my mother/mother-in-law.

I know that a lot of this desire stems from a childhood that longed for parents to be emotionally present... to be my friends, and not just my providers... to actually know me, and not just know of me.

All my boyfriends were informed of this desire... because in these modern times where everyone is expected to pull their own weight, the role of being a SAHM has become unconventional, impractical and greatly diminished.

And oh, the suggestions that my choice was anti-feminist (which is weird, because I always thought feminism was all about respecting a woman's right to choose for herself and for her life)... and these coming from educated people ha.

But anyway, that was the dream. And one could say that I made sure I get to realize that dream. I married a man established in his career. I also married a man who was raised by a SAHM. I also married a man with the same sense of family that I have. But over these things, I married a man who loves and respects me.

I tend to over-talk the topic... wanting to realize my dream but also wanting it to be a joint decision we both believe is best in the long run. Always, his concern is that my self-esteem might suffer. Always, I tell him that we'd both have our moments... sad, bad moments... but who doesn't anyway?

Of course, we decided to give our parents the heads up... so that there won't be heads rolling and tongues lashing, after all, what was I cum laude for if all I intended was to stay home? (lolz... I actually studied fairly well because I didn't want my kids to be saying that their mother was too stupid to do anything but stay home)

I'm a little concerned about my in-laws... but I know them enough by now to know that they'd be more my husband's problem, if ever.

But alas, my Mom is going into fits of desperation over this decision... she keeps saying she's not trying to make my decisions for me, but she's also almost 100% sure that I'd end up poverty-stricken (with matching melodramatics such as: "at least, by the time your kids go to school and your husband's company closes down and he ends up jobless and you become poor, i'd probably be dead already and won't see you suffer")

Sigh.

I gently remind her that even two-income families go bankrupt sometimes... and that her brother has managed to provide for his family well even if he was the only one earning. I also assure her that this was a decision my husband and I have really talked about and are not going into lightly. We are aware of its rewards and sacrifices. And we do have a Plan B and C. I also assure her that I won't turn to them for help unless it's really, really necessary (say, if fate decides to be cruel and runs us down to the ground with a sick child too... like what happened with Py).

And then I also tell her that as much as I appreciate her concern, I am also confused why she couldn't trust me a little more. The last scrape she ever had to pull me out of was getting suspended in Grade 5 (and not really because of anything serious). I mean, I made a lot of really good life decisions, couldn't she cut me some slack?

Howell. I think the SAHM decision just made sure that she won't be coming home from the US for my delivery... and fussing over me and her godson after that.

It breaks my heart to know how much this upsets her... and how there won't be any pleasing her. After all, though the dream was motivated by my childhood, this is not an act of rebellion against them... I've made this decision out of nothing but love for the family I want to build, and I know it's a decision I can live with.

I would also have to deal with my father pala... tsk.

I was attending a meeting for our company's anniversary celebration. This guy from another department, who i've gotten to know thru the years because we're among the few who always have to represent our departments to dance in celebrations, started teasing me about something that go years back.

Turned out... once upon a time, when I was still new in the company and didn't know him that yet (and that time, everybody knew me, sort of, because I was the youngest in our head office), he saw me and my then BF (now husband) enter a motel.

He told me this in front of the other people attending the meeting (but the meeting naman hasn't officially started just yet).

Of course, I was embarassed... but was too pregnant to care. And he admitted that he saw me because he was checking-in the same motel. Confused, I asked him when he got married (because he's a lot older than I am) and he answered that he got married in 1991. So I then asked him why he was still going to motels then, and he said he wasn't with his wife then.

Howell.

The weekend was spent losing sleep over the first season of Heroes. I mentioned the TV series to my hubs once, because my Berks were raving about it (and I thought i'd be more interested with a bunch of people having special powers than, say, Prison Break, another TV series that is garnering rave reviews).

Anyway, hubs bought a DVD of the first season nga... and we both fell in love!

We've only finished episode 16... I absolutely loved the first 10 episodes or so, and then started getting frustrated from there.

I still don't quite get what Nikki Sanders' powers are (and it's already 16 episodes and she hasn't even mastered it!).

And what Sylar actuially does to his victims' brains (does he eat them? study them? or just remove them so that there won't be anyone else with the same power?)

And why people kept referring to the silent, memory-erasing guy as Haitian (i mean, how could they immediately tell that he's from Haiti?).

And why does everybody keep going around in circles on who to trust (I mean, nobody ever thought to look for Mohinder again, and Peter, Isaac and Hiro seldom communicate... and now, Simone's probably dead).

Anyway, i've resolved not to watch anymore episodes this week, since I really have to finish the AVP i'm making for the company anniversary... i'd save the last seven episodes for the weeekend :)

Oh, but I just love Hiro and Ando together! :)

Despite some things not going the way I want them to, my heart feels lighter for the past few days... I think, because i've really decided on some things.

And just like magic... other things are coming my way to support the decision i've made... everything is falling into place and I could see a path again right before me.

I just hope Life doesn't throw me several curve balls all at once... and that I and my loved ones will be blessed with a long enough and healthy life.

*~*

This brings THE ALCHEMIST to mind :)

What's the world's greatest lie? It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. (p18)

And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. (p23)

When you are in love, things make even more sense, he thought. (p105)

People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. (p136)

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.

Tagalog post muna :D Or sige fine, Taglish :D

I have been pestering my Mom to e-mail me her recipe for chicken-macaroni salad... because I tell you, we'd make batches and batches of it for celebrations and end without leftovers because we'd also have to 'jar' them for specific people to take home. Everyone who's tried my Mom's chicken-mac salad love it to a fault (aside from her spaghetti, baked tahong, buko pandan, ginataang langka, kinalamansiang tilapia, ginataang gulay... atbp)...

And so she finally sent this:

chicken, macaroni-one kilo-2 big cans tidbits, celery-3 stems,sweet ham (half of the can) big bottle of mayonaise, cheese cubes, pickles , carrots, apple. Cook the pasta ( hindi masyadong malambot-) drain and combine all the ingredients.
taste kung ano ang kulang-timplahan.

Panalo no? :D

There are a few certain things in life.

One of them is that we will always be our parents' child... no matter how old we, or they, get.

This explains why parents in their 50s or 60s will brave migration abroad and work menial jobs to send money to their sons and daughters... who already have sons and daughters of their own.

One other thing is that... between the age of seven and seventy, we cease to be a child. We grow up. We become. We self-realize. We master a craft and our independence. We strike on our own. We build families of our own.

In a way, it's a vicious cycle that we cannot escape, and one we can always count on.

But what happens when you stop being a child... and realize that not only are your parents fallible, one or both of them are actually not so good?

What do you do when you're of age and suddenly realize that:

- Your father is having an affair
- Your brother is your MOM"S child by another man
- You're adopted
- One of your siblings is adopted
- Your Dad just threw away all your properties in a foolish investment
- Your Dad is beating your mother up
- Your Dad molests children
- Your Dad is gay
- Your parents are into illegal stuff, like drugs or white slavery, or money laundering
- One of your parents is addicted to gambling, drinking, etc.

Do you thank heavens for a childhood filled with innocence... or does it invalidate your childhood?

Two sides of the same coin.

And do you just stand back and let your parents continue with what they're doing... because they're the adults, or at least, they're the parents? Will respect for them be measured by not meddling into their affairs... affairs which, because you're part of their family, will always affect you one way or another?

Or do you get yourself involved? And how?

I've seen wonderful adults break down because of the burden of paying off their parents' debts from too much gambling. I've seen estrangement. I've seen detachment. I've even seen families stay together without much love and respect for the perpetrator of the pain or betrayal.

As a child, do you do nothing? How do you reverse the role and direct your parents to the right path? What do you say to them? Where do you draw the line? How do you prevent yourself from getting forever scarred (and embittered) by the pain?

And how... how do you become a good parent if you feel that you're failing them as a child?

Firstly, I am not kikay at all... esply for the past year that I haven't been going on gimiks and meeting friends up and hanging out in bars anymore.

And when I was housebound, I even seldom combed my hair... because i'm mostly lying down anyway.

But since I got the OK to go back to work... I have been on a slight kikay mode :) First, there is clothes buying... I don't have tons and tons of maternity clothes but I think I have more than enough considering am only going to use them for some 3 more months. I also caved in and bought larger-sized undies (lycra & cotton bikinis in fresh colors). I also bought a lot of new housedresses. Oh and of ocurse, new brassieres (sale ang Triumph!)!

And then, there are the lipsticks. I now have three again in my bag.

And since I can't abide perfumes right now, I've resorted to buying baby colognes. I have J&J original (the blue one) and this Avon yellow one (I forgot the name) and an Avon pink one... but my latest fave is Huggies Baby Cologne in Lavender & Chamomile. I swear it smells so sweet... like what I keep telling friends when I ask them to sniff at me, "amoy lampin". It's that BANGO!

And then there are the lotions... I still have my staples Alyssa Ashley in White Musk and Jergens... and the odd Victoria's Secret and Bath and Body Works stuff... I have 2 lotions with olive oil (for deep moisturizing) and I have J&J Bedtime lotion (also with lavender)... but the thing that gets me feeling real sexy and delicious these days is my Cocoa Body Butter from Body Shop. Even hubs tells me that he gets hungry just smelling me :) It's mighty expensive though (around P800 for a 200ml tub) and I bought it because it was recommended by a friend to be great in preventing stretch marks (but I know stretch marks has more to do with skin elasticity and genes). Basta, it smells soooo luxuriously delicious!

I smell so luxuriously delicious! :)

... is that, though you get a much-appreciated long weekend, you pay for it the next day as you get caught up in traffic because the government still celebrates these holidays on the right date.

Case in point: yesterday was declared a non-working holiday... which was well and good. But celebrating Independence Day today, and having to close certain major highways and roads while everyone is on their way to work or school just resulted in traffic jams, confusion, tardiness/absences and hate for the government (thus, the common Filipino fails to appreciate now the significance of this day).

Sigh.

I used to have to walk part of the way to work before... when they close Luneta (and Roxas Boulevard) since I work at the pier area. But since I couldn't do that right now, and forcing JRA to go around Manila just to bring me to my office's door would just stress us both, waste time and gasoline, I opted to commute to Sta. Cruz instead and maybe get a ride for Pier there. But alas... twas traffic like hell.

So, I just decided to eat breakfast at Happy Burger and pray during the meal that the congestion will improve.

Then I was told by my colleagues to just go home because I might also have problems going home later (for who knows what else they're planning to do in Luneta... and who knows if there won't be rallies against the government clamoring for REAL independence today).

But since Sta. Cruz is real traffic... I found myself walking to Quiapo instead. I'd have loved to buy some ham and bacon from Excellente but am not allowed to carry anything heavy. I also had to forego Ma Mon Luk. Tsk.

Finding a cab to take me to Robinson's Place (because I had to pay our water bill) proved futile. Even FXs were a challenge... or jeeps going to Mabini (so I can save on P7). After much time under the heat of the sun, I gave up and rode a jeep for Taft... got off at Faura and rode another jeep again.

At Rob... I paid the bill, bought citronella essential oil for the insects at home, cocoa butter at Body Shop for my tummy, and fish chicharon for a Ninang. All in all, I spent around P2,000.

Then I got a cab home.

So yeah, I blame the Independence Day celebrations for my impulsive shopping spree!

*~*

Good thing I didn't faint from the heat... and the phantom pains I was feeling were mostly from hunger and need for hydration.